Woman refuses to fund sister's wedding because her homophobic fiancé tries setting her up with men.
I withdrew my money from my sister's wedding fund after hearing what her fiancé was saying about me.
throwaway_coffeepod writes:
My cousin (26F) and her fiancé (26M) are set to get married in the spring, having been engaged for two years. My cousin has been living with us since she was three, after her parents passed away. I hold her dearly as my younger sister, and I support her in many of her decisions, except for this marriage.
I feel like my cousin is rushing into things, overlooking the fact that they're not financially stable. Neither of them has a job, and although she is in a Ph.D. program, they're living off some of her research funds, which are not sufficient to make a living. They currently reside in an apartment paid for by his parents.
To be fair, I never approved of their relationship, even during their dating phase, and I haven't softened up to him yet. I've been vocal with her about wanting them to break up their relationship, now engagement. I find him obnoxious and rude, and he has made some unnecessary comments that still irk me.
For instance, whenever we invite them for dinner, he makes snarky remarks about my wife's traditional dishes. No, we've never forced them to eat any of them; those were more for my wife than for them.
However, he compliments everything I make, even something as simple as coffee, and he keeps telling me that I'll make a good man happy one day. It's infuriating that my cousin just ignores this.
His disrespect for my marriage is the reason for this whole situation. With the wedding on the way, he introduced me to the other funder, his relative. We hit it off right away. We're close in age and share similar interests, so we bonded well.
But I started to notice that my BIL was behaving peculiarly, like trying to give us "space" to be alone with each other or giving us hints that we are a natural couple. I had to tell the other person that I have a wife, and what he told me in return really shocked me to the core.
BIL has been going around telling his family that I'm getting a divorce because my wife cheated. The sheer audacity of this man baffled me. I left and, without saying a word to anyone, withdrew my fund. After cooling down, I informed the couple, my wife, and my parents of what I had done and why.
My cousin called me crying and begging for the funds, but I told her no. If she can't afford a wedding, then don't have one. My BIL has resorted to calling me names and is getting his parents involved as well.
My parents are okay with it, as it is my money. But my wife, although she is angry with what BIL did, doesn't support my action. Whether I withdrew the fund or not, they will get married and stay family with us, so this would only cause a rift with my sister.
While I understand her point, I don't see why I should support the marriage of someone who doesn't respect mine. So, AITA for withdrawing funds because my FBIL slandered my marriage?
OP responded to some comments:
hippofippo says:
NTA (Not the A%#hole). He sounds awful. I think you’ve every right to refuse any funds given how repeatedly disrespectful he has been. It could definitely cause a rift with your cousin, but I personally think rather that than enabling the situation. Rifts can be resolved over time if they occur, but enabling bad behavior is tough to crack and your BIL needs to face consequences for his actions.
OP responded:
Thank you. I do hope that the rift can be resolved, but I cannot be involved in their wedding anymore.
bendytoepilot says:
NTA I don't get why your wife is disagreeing with you over this. He sounds awful and weird.
OP responded:
I agree. But because of how weird he is, my wife is worried about my sister.
Nester1953 says:
What shameful, homophobic behavior by your BIL. Of course you don't pay for anything involving this guy with the possible exception of a one way ticket out of town.
Tell you little sister, "I'm sorry, but he has put down my wife and tried to ruin her reputation by lying about her character to his family. He has disrespected my wife, my marriage, and me, in ways that are unforgivable.
He is homophobic in word and deed. I cannot offer financial support for these reasons, and I would hope you would understand as I assume you respect me, my wife, and our relationship." Not. One. Red. Cent. NTA.
OP responded:
Thank you for the advice. These words express my decision perfectly.
boredathome1962 says:
NTA. And why were you funding it anyway? And he's so darn disrespectful of your wife I wouldn't allow him into my house, and I wouldn't go to their wedding. Use the money to go on a nice holiday instead. This man is abusive, and really really dumb...
He let his colors show too early, should have waited till you'd paid before he so grossly insulted you. They will stay family? So what. I'd go LC with anyone who supports him. (Bit worried about your wife defending him...)
What do you think? Was OP right to withdraw their money?