'My fiance broke up with me because my parents have a non-conventional marriage.' UPDATED 2X

When you commit to marry someone, you ideally want to get along with their family as well, but that's not always how the cookie crumbles.

"My fiance broke up with me because my parents have a non conventional marriage."

We've been together for 6 years. We've known each other for another three years before that, so 9 years total. We're getting married in February. Or we were, I don't know any more. We're visiting my parents to meet some more of my extended family, so they get to know him before the wedding. My parents offered to host us, and we've been staying in my old room. I'm [F29], he's [M32].

We are staying with my parents. My fiance wanted to stay at a hotel, but I thought it will be fun to sleep in my old room. And to be here with my mom and dad one last time under their roof before I become a married woman. My parents have been in a non conventional marriage for a long time.

It was a shock for me to learn about it, and I learned to cope with it. I am not necessarily comfortable with their life styles, but I can't do anything about it. They basically go on dates with other people, spend time with other people, sleep with other people.

Had to learn it when I came home a few days earlier from a trip with a friend's family, and my father was sleeping next to another woman, when I was 16. I freaked out then, and my parents had to explain to me it was all fine.

So my fiance could not sleep last night, and went outside for some fresh air because he is not used to sleep away from our bed back home. And he found my mom kissing another guy in my parent's foyer. So he freaked out, started yelling at her, came and woke me up, demanded I call my father and tell him he found my mom cheating on him.

So my mom had to explain to my fiance about my parent's non conventional marriage, but it didn't go well with him. And once it seemed like he is calming down and starts to accept what my mom was telling him, he figured out I knew about their marriage, and he started freaking out on me.

He told me that he can't trust me any more, that he was set up, that I insisted we stay with our parents so that I can ease him in the idea, so I can enforce my parents principles on our own marriage, and I simply can't get through to him.

My fiance has been cheated on before, his parents have divorced because his mom cheated on his dad, and he doesn't have a good relationship with her, he could barely stomach the idea of having her come to our wedding.

He went to a hotel for tonight, and said he will be leaving back home tomorrow. he's not really answering his phone or texting back. He says he needs to reevaluate our engagement, that he doesn't think he can marry me knowing I approve my parents marriage style. That I wanted to manipulate him and introduce this life style in our relationship.

The truth is I am ashamed of my parents and their relationships, and I had no idea they will behave like this while my fiance is around, let alone sleeping in their house. He simply doesn't believe me because I haven't talked about it since I've met him. It's not something I find easy to talk about, and the less I think about it the better.

How can I talk with him? I have no interest in my parents style of relationship, I am fully dedicated to my fiance, and I have never been interested in another person since I've met him. I don't want to lose him over this stupid thing, and I feel ashamed he had to find out about my parents like this. I'd have preferred he never knew. Please, if anyone has any ideas, I am interested in any suggestions. Thank you.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

TiredofDancing wrote:

Yeah you let him learn about that in the worst possible way. I am not excusing his behavior but I get his reaction. You insisted on staying in their house and you knew his past trauma. I would totally expect you to have told him by now, you are engaged and your parents very alternate ( to him) lifestyle is a big issue.

It’s not your parents responsibility to cater to his needs when it’s their home and their actions not a secret. You seem to not be understanding at all that you should not have hid it, and wanting him to never know is the wrong idea to begin with and what got you this mess. Stop hiding shit like this and share it in a way that makes it clear you don’t approve.

OP responded:

I would have at least expected my parents to be able to control themselves, at least for the few days we were supposed to be here, but I guess that was too much to wish for. I didn't necessarily hide this from him, but it never came about. And I am so uncomfortable talking about it, it was never something I even thought mentioning.

He doesn't talk about his mom that much, I learned what I did about her and how his parents marriage ended from his sister. And honestly I thought it would be nice to sleep in my old room, and be there one last time before I get married. There were no malicious intentions here.

PixelatedNuts wrote:

Honestly you and your family couldn't have handled this worse. This is something you bring up before he meets them. Especially with his issues. I mean, he is your fiance, when were you planning on telling him.

He is thinking the apple didn't fall far from the tree here and it is hard to fault him given your insistence on staying there, your mom's behavior, an not getting a head's up beforehand. You gotta let him know, with no f-ing hedging or omissions, that you 100% do not want a lifestyle like this. Be direct, be honest, and be prepared for him to resent the shit out of your parents for a while.

OP responded:

Thanks. To be honest, he doesn't talk about his family either. I learned about his parent's divorce from his sister, who is more comfortable talking about it. It also never came into discussion, there was never a proper time to tell him "and my parents f-k around."

I guess before we came to visit here, sure, but I was thinking my parents would be on their better behavior while we'll be here. I guess mom had other ideas :(

1threadkiller1 wrote:

If you are ashamed at the lifestyle choice your parents have made, tell him that clearly. You really should have done that before staying in your parents home. You can still do that now.

You need to make it clear you don’t agree with it at all and you’d never want anything like that for yourself. I was a bit sketched out by my wife’s family history. Her mom is a serial cheater and hasn’t made a romantic relationship last through her entire life as a result.

You know what set me at ease with it? Actually made me more comfortable committing myself to her. She shared her perspective on her mother. She shared with me that her mother cheating ruined parts of her childhood. Made the whole thing unstable. Made her loathe infidelity. I feel like her life experience with a cheating parent makes her way less likely to repeat that behavior.

Hearing how much you dislike your parents relationship may well calm his insecurity in regards to you. You definitely set him up for a bad shock, but you can come back from this if you really dislike how they live. Obviously you need to get him past what’s been modeled to you. He probably thinks you’re really ok with it since you didn’t even think to bring it up to him before taking him to stay with them.

OP responded:

"You know what set me at ease with it? Actually made me more comfortable committing myself to her. She shared her perspective on her mother. She shared with me that her mother cheating ruined parts of her childhood. Made the whole thing unstable. Made her loathe infidelity. I feel like her life experience with a cheating parent makes her way less likely to repeat that behavior."

I will try this. We never talked about my parents life style.

I am ashamed of it, and I am not comfortable talking about it. Or thinking about it, for that matter.

And it never came in discussion. he also doesn't talk about his mom, I had to learn about how his parent's marriage ended from his sister. I knew he had a bad relationship with his mom, not why. I guess we are both a little introverted when it comes talking about our families. We do great talking about anything else, though! Thank your for the suggestion!

Umbran_scale wrote:

This was a series of events where save for a dead body turning up literally nothing could have gone worse and honestly I don't know why you didn't predict this before the whole arrangement.

Betrayal leaves a severe psychological impact on a person and the reaction to it is dependent on the person and unless you've experienced something like it yourself it's hard to truly sympathize and given your fiance has seen it happen on two fronts, his parents and his own ex partner, this was likely seeing his own personal nightmare coming to life.

Considering the fact you didn't even think to mention this beforehand only makes your situation worse and I sincerely doubt outside of his own free will, there's nothing you can do to change his mind.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates in the comments.

UPDATE ONE: I've already talked with him, and I am staying in the hotel room with him tonight, since it's already paid for and it will be fun.

Tomorrow we will move to my grandma's house, until the end of the week. We came here to meet the extended family, and that's what we will do. My parents have finally found it within themselves to apologize, but it no longer matters. For what it's worth, I didn't blame the situation on my parents when we met earlier. Aside from what my parents do in their spare time, I never had a secret from him.

He knows I know about his mom, and I told him that if he ever wants to talk about her, I am here to listen, and I understand why he avoids talking about her. He also apologized for his outburst and reaction, but he was honest and told me he doesn't think he will be that close to my parents, in general. And I am fine with that, since I don't have that close of a relationship with them anyway.

I have told him how much he hurt me saying he needs to reevaluate our engagement, and he acknowledges he wasn't thinking when he spoke those words, and also said he regrets them so much he was afraid he damaged our relationship. He didn't damage it, but I told him if I could predict the future, flowers is what I'd see, haha.

He's met my parent several times. We are here to meet my extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins, stuff like that. We live in a different state.

He's met some of them, but not all, and we wanted them to have an idea who my fiance is, not to see him for the first time at the wedding. We know each other for 9 years, the first three we were more like acquaintances. Friend of a friend type of thing, and we would meet when everyone had a group meeting or a party or a birthday, etc.

Then six years ago we had a fight at a friend's "we are getting married announcement party," and we were really passionate and stubborn and neither of us would give an inch. And a friend told us to kiss and make up already, and we did, and here we are.

But this entire time we've lived in our own state, where his family is, while my parents and the rest of my family are in the state we are currently visiting (I am being vague on purpose). I never planned to let him know about my parents unless it became a conversation item. It was never something I had to share, or felt the need to do so. I don't really like thinking about it.

UPDATE 2:

Thank you. I'm still reading through the comments, because this thread has become way bigger than I expected. My parents did "apologize," but they justified themselves by saying "it was a planned night." Which I find ridiculous, as they have invited us to stay with them over a month ago. How far along into the future do you plan your "fun nights?"

I refuse to think they planned their little indiscretion since more than a month ago. Bottom line is, they knew we would be there, they invited us, and they didn't care. The idea of not inviting them to the wedding started floating through my mind yesterday, while reading the thread, but I am not sure what I will end up doing.

They are my parents, they are my responsibility, my fiance got to see them for who they are and how they are for himself. He now knows why I don't really talk about them.

Aside from our little bump in the relationship the other night, we should be fine. We actually ordered two books from Amazon, at the recommendation of other commenters, with all kid of relationship tests and lessons. And we will maybe even go to therapy as a couple, this is not yet set in stone, we'll see. Thank you for the kind words.

Commenters had a lot to say.

captain_borque wrote:

OP's parents are suuuuuuper f-in' sketch. How f-ing hard is it to say "my daughter is visiting tonight, let's do tomorrow instead?"

Just...f-k's sake.

LindonLilBlueBalls wrote:

Why would the mom even think it was a good idea to invite a dude into her house when she knows her daughter and daughter's fiancé are staying with them? Like she couldn't postpone her date for a week? Or even simply meet at the dates place? It's like the alcoholic that claims their drinking doesn't affect others.

Anti_NIckname wrote:

This makes me think of really poorly-written TV shows and movies where the characters never f-ing really talk to each other and it just creates a s-tton of unnecessary conflict. It’s infuriating. And here is an entire cast of those people in real life. Absolutely insufferable, the lot of them.

Gwynasyn wrote:

Honestly I'm baffled by OP. Even aside from the initial reaction of the commenters in the first post about how she never told him about it before they stayed with the parents. Why in god's name did she ever agree to stay with them in the first place??

Everything she described AFTER the initial post when she was getting ripped apart by the comments is of the resentment and embarrassment she had about her parents and their treatment of her as their child. But apparently was still having him meet the parents and staying with them like everything was fine?

But then he says he wants no real relationship with them now that he knows, and she's just like "cool, I don't really like them or have a relationship with them anyway!"