'My 'friend' manipulated me into believing my boyfriend was having an affair.' UPDATED 2X
A false friend can be far worse than an overt enemy.
"My 'friend' (36F) manipulated me (28F) into believing my boyfriend (27M) was having an affair."
This is a complicated story so I’ll use fake names for everyone.
Boyfriend: Tom
My Friend: Jess
Boyfriend’s friend: Kim
My tech savvy friend: Rich
Tom and I have been together for 3 years and he’s been a very affectionate and loving boyfriend during that time. I would have said yes if he proposed to me. Kim is a friend that he knows from work. I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with their relationship but I never had a reason to believe that Tom and Kim were doing anything behind my back.
That is, until Jess told me that she saw them at dinner together on a Friday night where Tom told me he was working late. Obviously, I was devastated. Tom is the most stand-up and honest man I know so I never expected in a million years that he would even lie to me, let alone have an affair. I didn’t believe Jess at first but then she showed me a (blurry) picture of the two together.
I couldn’t see either of their faces but I was body figures that greatly resembled both of them. I also saw the man wearing a watch (Tom always wears a watch) and Tom’s favorite Vineyard Vines tie thrown over his shoulder. I was convinced. Jess told me that if I could get my boyfriend’s phone, she’d be able to bypass the password and get all the messages that were on it, even the deleted ones.
She gave me a stack of papers that she claimed was correspondence between Tom and Kim which clearly indicated an affair between the two. Again, I was devastated. The papers showed that he called her the same nickname he called me. That cut really deep. I tried to approach Tom with this information in mind casually. “Do you have anything to tell me?”
I tried to be extra affectionate and loving with him throughout this and he always reciprocated the love, which disgusted me but gave me hope that he’d end his alleged affair with Kim. Every time I jumped through Jess’s hoops to check, Jess would tell me that the affair was still ongoing. After two weeks (yesterday), I confronted Tom with everything and unsurprisingly, he denied it.
I told him that I was willing to fight for our relationship if was willing to meet me halfway. Tom continued to deny everything and he told me that if I didn’t believe him, then we had no relationship. I didn’t believe him. He slept on the couch and promised me he’d be out of the house by the end of the week. I was so upset last night I could not sleep. I cried for a really long time and Tom heard me crying.
He even tried to come in and comfort me but I cussed him out and told him to leave. This morning, Jess was busy with work so I went to a tech savvy friend, Rich, for help with what Jess had done traditionally. I gave Rich the phone and he told me that my demands were impossible.
He said you cannot bypass the password on my boyfriend’s phone (it’s a work phone) without deleting the text messages. I teased him about not being as familiar with this stuff as he thought but he adamantly stuck with his claim. When I showed him the papers that Jess gave me, he told me they were fake and he proved to me they were fake by making his own.
F#$k my life. I have absolutely no idea what to do and no one to talk to about this. Rich told me he’s looking into everything but I don’t know if he’ll come up with much. When I came home, Tom was already gone with his stuff and I have no way of reaching him directly because I’m the one with his phone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what’s really going on in my life anymore.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Edit: Lots of questions about this so I'll try to clarify.
I took my boyfriend's phone when he went out for his run since he doesn't listen to music when he's jogging. The runs sort of contributed to my suspicious but he's been doing this since I've met him.
When I confronted my boyfriend, I didn't show him the proof but I told him I had conclusive evidence and he said that that was impossible. At the time, I thought he was lying.
Jess has not replied to any of my voicemails or messages.
TL;DR Friend told me that BF was cheating on me. I think friend was lying and conjured up evidence but I may have already done irreparable damage to my relationship with bf. What do I do?
Internet strangers were deeply invested.
acranym wrote:
Did it not ring any alarms when she showed you those messages between them? Didn't you ever wonder how she even got them in the first place?
OP responded:
I gave her the phone. I thought there was software or whatever that lets you do that.
[deleted] wrote:
I'll put 7:3 on the fact that Jess is engineering your breakup to get at your man. Not gonna lie, there are ways to bypass security measures on some phones, and there are ways to retrieve deleted correspondence on some phones...but realistically, it's unlikely that your friend has the knowledge or ability. It's a Liam Neeson thing, right? It takes a very particular set of skills.
toldyaso wrote:
Tell your boyfriend this entire story, and give him a chance to explain. You can very easily fake the messages, and you can just as easily fake the picture. Send me a pic of your boyfriend sitting in a chair, and I can make it look like he's having dinner with Angelina Jolie. It would take me about ten minutes.
InkMonkey1 wrote:
So, your "friend" Jess is hellbent on banging your boyfriend...well..ex-boyfriend. You done gone goofed, lady. You made it very, very clear to your apparently perfect man that you'll believe what your friends say before you believe him.
You're going to have to work very, very hard to get him back--and, being honest, it's possible he won't come back after this--but, on the plus side, you have proof that your "friend" is a s#$twitch trying to break you two up. Throw yourself on his mercy with this info. And say sorry until your mouth hurts.
Four days later, OP shared an update.
I returned Tom’s phone to him and we talked about the situation. I tried to explain everything but he told that the trust in our relationship was irreparable and that I need to learn how to effectively communicate my concerns. He’s a firm believer that “without trust, there is no relationship” so we’ve officially split up.
He initiated NC and I have not spoken with him since.
I finally got ahold of Jess through the phone and she admitted she lied but she won’t tell me why. I’m sure she has not slept with Tom but I can’t be sure she isn’t trying.
I’m unbelievably mad right now, mostly at myself.
TL;DR: Broke up. Why did I do this to myself?
The comments and questions kept rolling in.
[deleted] wrote:
But just to clarify, you are also never talking to this psycho Jess chick again, I hope.
OP responded:
I want to know why she did this to me!
The_Humble_Braggart wrote:
Would you honestly believe her when she explained why? Because I sure as hell wouldn't. Let the crazy go.
Mindtaker wrote:
Why didn't you dump Jess as a friend? Do you think a liar will magically stay telling the truth? If you don't get rid of this "friend " your going to have more problems.
Go ahead and pretend hearing her side will give you "closure " or that seeing how she hurt you will somehow enlighten her. But in reality so far, you pushed away your trustworthy BF. For your liar friend, and are keeping the liar.
OP responded:
I did dump Jess as a friend. NC for both of them.
recovering_poopstar wrote:
Jess is just a b#$ch so don't worry about her anymore. You don't need to know why she did it because it doesn't matter anymore. You and Tom are over so just put all this bulls#$t in the past and learn not to be so easily persuaded by one person.
Learn to collect the evidence, analyze it and the situation...instead of jumping to the conclusion and blowing up.
Time to move on with life.
routesixtysix wrote:
For those that don't understand his reaction, you need to look at it from his perspective. From her explanation, he never EVER did anything wrong (I don't know how true that actually is).
If I am in a relationship and have never done anything wrong, am 100% trustworthy, then all of a sudden my girlfriend accuses me of cheating, makes me sleep on the couch, will not listen to my side of the story, kicks me out, then I don't think I deserve someone like that.
I would rather move on and be with someone that won't go crazy. I know it isn't OP's fault entirely, but the fact that she didn't try and get anyone else's opinion on it and then just turned on him is not good. I would be done.
Maybe this is something that can be repaired, sure. But it is unfair to him to have to work to get this trust back when he really has done nothing wrong at all. To him it makes more sense to just go out and find another woman, rather than repair a relationship and put in work, when he did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to have to work to fix this broken relationship.
SwangThang wrote:
Anyone else wondering if "Jess" just wanted "Tom's" work phone to break into it for some other reason? Like the s#$t that might be stored on it for work purposes? I don't know where he works, but corporate espi0nage is a very real thing.