'AITA - My friend told me she loves me 4 weeks before her marriage...?' UPDATED
"AITA - My friend told me she loves me 4 weeks before her marriage...?"
My (35M) friend B (35F) just told me she loves me 4 weeks before our marriage, and I am not sure what I am supposed to do here. I want to know if I am doing the right thing. To give some context, I lost my wife 2 years ago.
I have a 5-year-old daughter. I have not dated in the last 2 years because I have major trauma from losing my wife. I still love her a lot and don't think I am ready to move on. I invested all my time in my daughter (who looks exactly like her mother) and my work to keep my sanity for the last 2 years.
I have been friends with B since we were in elementary school. We lived in the same neighborhood growing up and were best friends. She is an awesome person, and we were inseparable growing up. The weirdest part was we had completely different personalities.
She was very outgoing and always had a lot of friends. I am a big introvert and B along with a few friends was all I needed. B was a serial-dater and I don't remember any time since middle school since she was single. B and I never dated though.
B and I also went to the same college. She never had a stable boyfriend, but just jumped from one relationship to another. I, on the other hand, did not date seriously until I was in my junior year. When I met my wife, she was a freshman and we hit it off instantly.
We fell for each other and spent all our time with each other. This strained my relationship with B as I would generally hang out with my wife instead of her. That was the time B and I slowly started drifting apart.
After college, I moved to a different town for my job, and B and I occasionally messaged each other, but nothing beyond that. B attended my wedding and that was the last time I saw her. We kept in touch, but mostly by commenting on each other's pictures or keeping each other updated on significant life events. B did reach out to me when my wife passed away and we talked on a phone call.
Last year, B and her fiancé moved to my city. I was still grieving, and both have been amazing support for me and my daughter. My daughter loves dancing, and B helped me enroll her in dancing and gymnastics classes and sometimes takes her to them. I also became good friends with her fiancé, who is indeed an incredibly good man. My daughter also loves Aunty B and B sometimes helps me babysit.
Last week, B came to my house and asked if we could talk. Her tone sounded serious. She told me that over the last few months, she feels like she has started to develop feelings for me and is not sure anymore if she wants to go ahead with the wedding. She felt I also had started developing feelings for her.
I told her that I am not ready for any relationship before I could deal with my mental health (for which I go to a therapist regularly). She tried to convince me that she loved me, we are soulmates, and she felt that we were meant to be together.
However, I do not have the same feelings for her. I love her as a friend, but nothing beyond that. We were both emotional, but she said she was glad we talked about this. She left after that.
B called me that night and told me not to talk about our conversation to anyone. I thought a lot about it and decided that I would not tell her fiancé about B and my conversation from last week. I feel it's their relationship, and I do not have the right to ruin their moment if B decides to go ahead with the wedding.
However, I feel guilty that her fiancé does not know anything about this and is going into a marriage where B might not be fully ready for it. Can you guys give suggestions on what I should do in this case? Am I an AH for not telling her fiancé about our conversation?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
410Writer said:
Look, you're definitely not an AH for not spilling the beans to her fiancé. It's her mess to sort out, and you've made it clear that you're not interested in a romantic relationship. However, it might be a good idea to have another heart-to-heart with B, emphasizing the importance of honesty and communication in her relationship.
Encourage her to talk to her fiancé about her doubts and feelings before they take the plunge into marriage. Your support as a friend is valuable, but it's ultimately her responsibility to make decisions in her relationship. Drama aside, keep your focus on your healing journey and being there for your daughter.
OrganicApricot9079 said:
NTA. I don't think she's in love with you. More like she loves you and wants to save you from your pain. She got attached to your daughter and that confused her even more. I think you should have another talk with her. Don't tell her fiancee any of this.
Opening-Ad-2769 said:
NTA. Let her figure out what she needs to do. Like you said she's a serial dater and jumps from one relationship to the next. This is probably one of those times. I'm guess avoidant attachment person or something like that not sure really what it called. You're just the next branch to grab before leaving her fiance.
BeardManMichael said:
NTA. Let her figure out her feelings. Given enough time maybe she will make a definite choice. Until then, keep working on yourself.
Asleep_Pickle_5238 said:
NTA. To me it seeks like OPs friend had a crush on OP back in college but backed off when she realized that OP was serious with the woman that became his wife. She also seems like she took on a significant role to the daughter to help out the OP so may feel a bond with them both.
Maybe she still has a ' what if he had chosen me instead of her' scenario in her head and decided to ask him if he loved her to close that chapter by revealing her feelings.
Lambsenglish said:
Do nothing, bro. She’s getting stuff off her chest and is reaching for the panic button ahead of her wedding. It’s like her life flashing before her eyes. You sound level/headed. Don’t take on her guilt or try to define how her life plays out.
Don’t take any role at all in the relationship she has with her fiancé. Don’t suggest she talks to him, don’t talk to him, just don’t get involved. She’s a grown woman and can make her own choices. You’ve no part to play here.
UPDATE:
A month ago, I (35M) wrote a post regarding my friend Brie (35F) telling me that she loved me, only 4 weeks before her wedding. The last month has been crazy, and my whole world has turned upside down.
Again for context, I lost my wife 2 years ago and we have a 5-year old daughter. Brie and her fiancé Jason (~33M) moved to our town a year ago, and we have reconnected as friends and they have done a lot to cheer me up during this year, and bring my life to normalcy. After Bree told me that she loved me, I told her that I was still not ready to move on as I still miss my wife.
She said she understood, and I did not hear from her or Jason for a few days. The guilt was killing me, as I was not sure if I should tell Jason about what she told me. Thanks to everyone who commented on the post, it helped me think the situation through.
I finally called B after a few days and asked her to meet me for lunch. I talked to her and asked her if she was going ahead with her wedding. She broke down and told me she was not sure. I told her that she should at least talk to Jason regarding her feelings and not be dishonest with him. I also assured her that I would not say anything to J, but I just wanted her to be happy. She said she understood and left.
That night I put my daughter to sleep and was watching TV. Around 9.30 pm, I heard a loud knock on my door, and it was Jason. I opened the door, and he was in tears. He started yelling at me and asking me why I had to steal Brie out of all the people. I tried to calm him down, but he just kept on shouting. I was trying to get him to sit down on the bench on our porch.
I told him my daughter was sleeping upstairs, but he slowly was getting more and more physical. I was able to push him off. I told him to get out of my house, and he sat in his truck and drove away.
I immediately called Brie, and she was crying and did not sound well on the phone. She told Jason that she could not marry him, because she had feelings for me. I was really scared for her, after the physical altercation with Jason, and told her to gather some clothes and get out of the house.
She did that and came to my place. I just didn't feel she was safe with Jason. I consoled her for almost 2 hours and was able to get her to sleep.
The next morning, we had to call her parents to let them know about what had happened. Brie kept a brave face, but I could see how much she was hurting. Her parents asked her to take a few days off, and immediately come back home, and she did take a flight in the evening to go home.
Over the next two weeks, the wedding was called off. Brie and I were talking everyday and she was just very exhausted. She talked to Jason a few times and kept on asking her to take more time to think. However, I think Brie just wanted to get out of it and decided to just break it off with Jason.
Currently, Brie is staying with us for the last two weeks. She still has a job here and started going back to work last week. I have talked to Brie in detail about what happened. Brie told me that Jason and her were dating on and off for the last 4 years. Jason is not very career-oriented, and Brie is very good at her job. She felt he was a nice and reliable person, but was unsure about him from the start.
She felt that she was not getting any younger, and hence they decided to get married. When she heard about my wife passing away, she just felt really bad and wanted to be around me to comfort me. When she got her big promotion, which meant she could work in a corporate office, she immediately chose my city and moved here. Jason also moved here and got a new job.
She never had any romantic feelings for me back then. As she started hanging out with my daughter and me, she started feeling the bond we shared when we were growing up. Except, I was the broken one and she was taking care of me.
She said that she realized that she was enjoying her time with us, more than with Jason. She realized she made a mistake with Jason, and what she wanted was right in front of her.
Hence, she slowly started thinking about me in that way and finally told me about it. She knew her relationship with Jason was over the moment she confessed to me. It's a sh$%$y situation, but I am glad that she realized that before getting married vs. after.
As for Jason, I feel bad for him. He is moving back to our hometown closer to his family. He is currently in their apartment and will move sometime next month. I know a lot of you would be curious if we were dating. We are not dating. I don't think I can date anyone right now and neither should Brie.
She is my friend, and I am happy that she is staying with us, and plans to be here until everything is sorted out. My daughter loves having Auntie Brie around too, so that's a bonus. Plus, it's really nice to see her slowly get back to normal. Thanks again for helping me during my last post. Cheers.
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
Starry-Dust4444 said:
I’m glad you aren’t becoming involved w/Brie. She needs to figure herself out & you don’t need that drama. It kinda seems like she was looking for a way out of her relationship w/fiancé & might have confused that the need to escape w/feeling for you.
Aloreiusdanen said:
I think your friend brie already had doubts and used you as a means of getting out of the relationship. Kinda messed up that she dragged you into her mess.Just make sure you are setting firm boundaries with her, so that you dont get sucked into more of that drama.
MuttFett said:
The fact that most of you can’t see that Brie used OP to get out of her marriage, and got him beat up in the process, is wild. She could have told her fiancé that she couldn’t go through with it and keep OP’s name out of things, but nooooooooooo, she needed the nuclear option. OP, this woman is a train wreck, get her out of your life completely and focus on raising your daughter.
Beluga-Dragon said:
NTA but Brie isn’t right. She was engaged when she told you about her feelings. She should have left Jason before confessing to you. Was he her back up plan? It’s incredibly manipulative of her to have done what she did. I would not allow her around your daughter or you for the time being.
It’s apparent she has feelings and it’s not healthy to keep her with you. You say you’re not ready but she is even if she tells you she isn’t. She’s playing the long game and is going to stick to you. Your daughter may be used to her but it isn’t healthy to keep around your home.
HotCheetoLife said:
Please don't invite drama into your home. You owe it to yourself and especially your daughter to keep a healthy and SANE home. She needs to leave.
wellbehavedhuman said:
Oh boy, what a mess. I caution you not to do anything with her for at least a year. That is a messed up and troubled person. She's shown herself to be an unsteady partner, willing to throw away her commitments and promises when something else interesting comes along. She needs work and the last thing you and your child need is someone in this headspace in your lives.