"AITA for ending a friendship because she said she'd hook up with my husband behind my back?" UPDATED
AITAH for ending my longest standing friendship when said friend admitted they’d hook up with my spouse?
AdhdRando writes:
I (30F) have been married to my husband (30M) for ten years. We are high school sweethearts and have been dating since we were 15. My friend (30F) and I have known each other since we were around 6 years old.
Our moms were friends, and my uncle ended up marrying her mom, so she sort of became like family. We were extremely close growing up, but not as much in recent years. We didn’t have a falling out or anything; I think we just got busy with our lives.
She has known my husband since we were in high school; I introduced them. Thinking back, even then she would make comments like how “lucky” I was to be dating him because he was “so cute.” I always brushed it off because I know he is attractive and figured she wasn’t coming from a place of malice.
Anyway, this friend and I recently became really close again since summer 2023. We caught up on life and shared how much we missed hanging out. Soon, we were texting daily and hanging out at least once per week. She still lived with her parents, who are always gone, so I would invite her over for holidays, etc.
She would even come over just to eat or help me run errands (I have a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old). She told me about a guy she was hooking up with at work, who happens to be married with an 8-month-old baby. To her credit, she didn’t know he was married initially, but she did find out before they got intimate.
Of course, he played the “we are getting divorced, but it isn’t finalized” card, but I quickly showed her that was a lie since divorce filings are public. He came clean that they weren’t in the process yet and even told her how they were in counseling. This was all before they had done anything.
This all made me very uncomfortable, as I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband did something like that. I am not one to be a fake friend, so I told her this and was clear that I didn’t think what she was doing was right. She agreed but said she had no intention of stopping.
This made me wonder whether she would sleep with my husband if given the chance. I immediately thought she would. That made me question whether this was truly a friendship I wanted to have. Then I felt bad for thinking that way, as I couldn’t imagine she would really be okay with stabbing me in the back.
I’ve always been a good friend to her and have supported her in many ways. I felt guilty but couldn’t shake the feeling, and with her coming around my house frequently, I figured I’d just ask her straight up. Of course, I didn’t think she would openly admit something like that to my face, but I figured I’d take note of her reaction, body language, and overall response.
We were seated on my living room couch, talking about her situationship with the married man, and I again shared how I felt she was wrong for continuing the relationship. Then, I asked her what she would do if my husband tried to hook up with her. She looked at me, confused.
I repeated the question and made sure I was clear about what I was asking. She immediately pretended to text on her phone and tried to ignore the question. I waited for her to look up and asked again, “What would you do? Would you actually hook up with him?”
She responded, “Well… first there’d have to be attraction, and there is definitely attraction.” I immediately felt my blood boil as I tried to keep my composure. I looked at my wedding photos hung above her head in my living room; this girl was even in my wedding!
I wanted to bash her face in at that moment, but I am a licensed professional with a lot to lose over a petty assault. Plus, my kids were home, and I would never expose them to something like that. I managed to hold myself together as I gave her my response:
“I really respect the fact that you were honest with me.” (She smiled, and I could see how proud she felt in that instant that she had been honest.) “But do you really think I’d be so f%&#ing stupid as to allow you in my house and around my family after what you just said?!”
Her eyes widened like a damn deer in headlights as she frantically tried to recover by saying she didn’t hear me right and that she would never do that to me. Honestly, every part of me wanted to believe her; she is someone I truly cared about, and I didn’t want to end our friendship, but I knew for a fact that she had heard me.
I was extremely clear and even used both my husband’s and my names. Plus, I’d seen her body language in what felt like slow motion as she initially avoided the question and then gave her response.
So many things rushed through my head, like how she had made a comment a few weeks prior, saying my husband could have any girl he wanted because of how attractive he is, and how the two other women closest to me had told me they didn’t like the way she looked at me when I first started bringing her around again.
I told her to GTFO of my house before I lost my sh%t. She told me she loved me and we should talk it out. I told her I loved her too, enough to simply let her walk out my door one last time, and so she did. As she left, I made it clear she was never welcome in my house again. So, AITAH?
OP posted an update a few hours later with more context.
For context, my original post actually happened 4 months ago. I appreciate all the feedback from both ends. I truly wanted other people’s perspectives as I admittedly reacted in anger, and it’s not exactly my proudest moment. Still, most people seem to agree that friends shouldn’t be down to hook up with your husband.
Others judge the fact that I was “ok” with her sleeping with someone else’s husband “but not mine,” which I disagree with. I was never okay with her actions, and I was very clear about that. Some suggest I should have ended the friendship when she hooked up with her married coworker. Perhaps I should have.
A few people suggested she might have thought I propositioned her, which made me think that could be a possibility, but I don’t think that’s the case. On the second or third time I asked, I went as far as suggesting my husband tell her that he is sick of my nagging and wants to try things out with her before she gave her response.
I was putting myself in the woman’s perspective of the man she is cheating with, as in the conversation just prior to my question, I was explaining to her why I felt she was wrong for what she was doing to her and her family.
Some say IATAH for ending a friendship over a hypothetical that I created. I can respect that, as it is completely true. Frankly, I never expected her response. I was trying to give her a scenario to help her understand why her actions were wrong and fully believed she would say something like, “I would never do that to you as you are my friend.”
Either way, I figure I wouldn’t take my chances to see whether she would really stab me in the back if given the chance. A lot of people suggested I tell my husband, and one suggested I tell my mom. LOL. I definitely told my mom first, as my husband was at work, and I could not believe what had just happened.
My mom was shocked and told me I should stay far away from her. She also suggested I NOT tell my husband, which made me sick to my stomach (my mom has her own traumas with infidelity that we won’t get into). I asked her why and suggested that if that’s all it took for my husband to turn his head, I better find out now than later.
Of course, I told him. To the commenters suggesting my husband wouldn’t be held accountable in the hypothetical scenario, I am not sure what gave that impression. My husband is the one who made vows to me, and I would absolutely hold him accountable for an infidelity, let alone with someone I care about. Cheating is not something I think I could forgive, and I have made that clear to him.
As for his response: he was supportive of my decision and kind of told me the “I told you so” in a nicer way because he had already suggested she didn’t seem like a good friend to me for a few unrelated things she had done/said to me.
He also didn’t appreciate that she was “needy” and always wanted to be around us recently, so he was glad that wouldn’t be happening anymore. I did ask whether she had ever made any moves considering her response, but he assured me she had not and that he would have disclosed that immediately.
Lastly, a few people suggested I let the wife of the man my ex-friend slept with know what is going on. I did seriously consider this, as clearly I’m the type of person who would rather know. However, not everyone is like that, and I’m not sure it’s really my place.
The postpartum year is tough, and I don’t want to be the one to bring this to her. I also have no clue how much, if anything, she already knows or is okay with. This also happened months ago now, and I have no idea whether it’s ongoing.
I am also concerned about the drama this could bring to my family’s life. This ex-friend will undoubtedly know it was me. The man she hooked up with also isn’t just a co-worker. He is the son of the owner of the company they work for and comes from money—not that it matters—but he has plenty of resources if he ever wanted to retaliate against me for bringing his affair to light (if it’s not out already).
I am a strong believer that what is done in the dark will come to light, and I hope she knows already. Overall, I just want to thank everyone for their feedback. Both the positive and negative gave me good perspectives. I hope this provides the info/update a few of you wanted.
Here are the top comments from readers:
LouisianaGothic says:
NTA. Don't be surprised if she tries to reach out to your husband either way, sorry you've crossed paths with someone so self-serving, her lack of shame tells you exactly how little she would care about fracturing your family.
Broad-Supermarket290 says:
Please, please, please tell the other woman (with the baby) about her husband’s affair with your ex-friend.
omrmajeed says:
NTA, What she said was DISGUSTING and CONCERNING. You should 100% cut her out of your life.
BigPeachyyxx says:
She basically admitted she’d betray you if she got the chance. You don’t need a friend like that around your family.