Woman tells friends they wouldn't be single if they were "better people and not racist," asks AITA?
My friends are single because they suck.
Bookish_Florance writes:
I (38F) went out 2 weeks ago with 2 friends. Claire (38F) and Gemma (45F), both Claire and Gemma are single, I've been with my husband since I was 18. Claire has never been married, Gemma has been married twice.
I'm always cautious of 'staying in my lane' during discussions of being single, and because 2 out of the 3 of us were single it was mentioned A LOT on our night out. Gemma had just broken up with her latest boyfriend the day before, he was everything I hate wrapped up in a man, he was obnoxious, rude and homophobic.
She also admitted that he was a massive racist. She showed me some messages, but what she didn't realize was that she had accidentally shown me her own racist replies to his message. This was early on in the night so I bit my tongue and figured I'd mentioned it the next day to not make things awkward whist we were out.
I'm a POC, we live in a prominently white area, my husband is white, and my kids are white passing, Gemma and Claire are white. Gemma was big on BLM a few years ago, attending marches and posting all over social media etc. As the night went on Gemma started telling me about a 28 year old who has been trying to get with her, and she said that she was planning on meeting him on the way home.
Fine, however, she then said that we'd have to get the taxi to drop her at his house because he was in no condition to drive, this would have taken us 45 minutes out of our way so I said I wasn't willing to pay more for the taxi home because she wanted to see this person.
As we were getting in the taxi she starts saying how the 28 year old told her that he can't be intimate with her because she has vaccines. This was where I lost it, I told her that she's making terrible choices, and if she keeps choosing men like this what does she expect to happen?
Claire then starts shouting at me out of nowhere that I have no idea how hard it is being single so I should shut up. She literally screamed, "JUST F^#%NG SHUT UP! You have no f^#%ing idea how hard it is being single so you don't get to say anything about the men we choose". She can get nasty, and I avoid conflict so I got out of the taxi and rang my husband to pick me up.
As I left I let Gemma know that I'd seen her racist remarks and that I hope they both realize that the men they choose are a reflection on them and the reason they're so unhappy, but if they keep on choosing horrible men then they're getting what they deserve.
I included Claire in that as she had spent the night saying she missed her ex boyfriend who had cheated on her repeatedly, ran up debt in her name, and made her teenage son (17) move out of the house because of how awful he was. I've told her before how much I disliked her ex, but I supported her with every on/off break ups with him.
I held her when she cried when her son left home). I received a message this morning after nearly 2 weeks of no contact, from Claire that literally said 'have you stopped being a judgmental d%@k now?'
Did I take it too far by not watching what I was saying, am I within my right to comment on situations that don't involve me directly, but impact my life indirectly when I'm the one they turn to for support when it all goes wrong. Should I apologize? WITAH?
OP responded to a comment:
Caspian4136 says:
NTA (Not the A%#@%le). You need new friends. Why are you hanging out with a racist anyway?
OP responded:
I honestly didn't think she was, she's never made me feel that she could be in all the years I've known her, she was incredibly vocal against racism when BLM protests were happening here. She didn't mention anything about his racist comments until that night.
I think she did this in an attempt to make me engage in the conversation as I was actively not joining in. It was only because she forgot I could see her replies when she showed me his messages that I realized she was making similar 'jokes'.
TheSassiestPanda says:
NTA- they obviously seek a superficial friendship where you yes them to death and never tell them anything they don’t want to hear and that’s just not for you. At most I’d apologize like “Sorry you both didn’t like hearing the truth”. Just move on without them. Considering they both sound like train wrecks, I don’t think you’ll be missing out on much.
solo_throwaway254247 says:
NTA. But just like they have sh^#$y taste in men, you also have sh!@ty taste in friends. And no, you shouldn't apologize. But should really examine these two friendships and ask yourself why you are hanging on to them.
SlightlyPain says:
I don't think you're the AH. It sounds like you have horrible friends who need to learn to love themselves. They need therapy and you need new friends.
What do you think? Was OP right to tell her friends her truth?