'My husband of 20 years is cheating on me with our son's 18-year-old girlfriend.' UPDATED 3X
When things fall apart, they really fall apart.
In a popular online post, one woman shared the horrific saga of her marriage unraveling when she found out her husband's true nature.
"My husband of 20 years is cheating on me with our son's 18 year old girlfriend."
I (41/F) am a stay-at-home mom. My husband (48/M), whom we'll call "Paul," works in finance. We have been married for nearly 20 years. We have two kids, whom we'll call "Eric," our 18-year-old son, currently a senior in high school, and "Mary," our 15-year-old daughter. They are both the lights of my life.
My marriage with my husband has grown somewhat stale over the years for a myriad of reasons, such as his work schedule and how I've aged poorly since we first met. Our son "Eric" has a girlfriend (18/F), whom he's been dating since they were freshmen in high school. We'll call her "Amy." Eric absolutely adores Amy. She's his first love, and she's someone I've always considered as family.
This makes the whole situation emotionally excruciating for me. Last week I inadvertently saw my husband’s phone screen and got a glimpse of a text thread between my husband and Amy, our SON’S GIRLFRIEND and I read what looked like a message of her telling him that she “misses sucking his c*ck.” I froze in place, in complete disbelief.
I spent most of the day convincing myself that I must have misread what I saw. However, I didn't misread it because, over the last several days, I discovered a file on his computer filled with tons of BDSM p*rn. He clearly has a p*rn addiction. He also has saved photos of Amy from her Instagram on his computer.
Although they weren't inappropriate - she was fully clothed - it was still the proof I needed to confirm that I wasn't going crazy. I also looked at his phone during opportune moments and saw more of their interactions. I wish I had never looked. They were filled with mean, horrible things said at my expense, with him comparing me to her. He would call me fat and old and other things, with Amy LOL’ing.
I’ve always had hunches or paranoid feelings that Paul has been cheating on me but never in a million years could I have fathomed something like this. Last month, I found a thong in our bedroom that I know wasn’t mine. I turned a blind eye to it, being naive and acting like it was maybe our daughter’s even though that made zero sense. Not only is he cheating on me, but he’s betraying our son.
I’m completely devastated, I don’t even think words can adequately describe the dread, anger, shock I feel right now. I’m totally overwhelmed on how to handle this because obviously action needs to be taken but I’m terrified of what kind of psychic blow this will be for my son. I have no idea how to even broach this completely f##ked up topic with him.
I wouldn’t wish this predicament on my worst enemy. I can’t even believe I married this scumbag in the first place. And then my mind started to race, realizing that I started noticing specifically unusual behavior from him around the same time Amy turned 18. Was he waiting for her to turn 18 before pursuing this affair?
There’s so many layers to all of this and I’m completely paralyzed with fear and dread about it all. None of it makes any f#$king sense. How did this happen? Am I that much of a stupid idiot that I let all of this happen under my watch? Eric adores Amy, and the thought of revealing this sickening truth to him terrifies me. The impact on his young heart and mind could be devastating.
My heart aches for Eric and Mary who are completely innocent bystanders. I haven't confronted my husband about this because I'm frankly scared of the domino effect. I don't know who to turn to first about this. I share my story not for sympathy, but in search of understanding and perhaps advice from those who might have had to grapple with deep betrayal. Thank you for listening.
The internet was quick to respond.
YogurtclosetOk5338 wrote:
If she's freshly 18, isn't this illegal? There's no way they weren't doing anything illegal before she turned into an 'adult'. Also even if so, the age gap is over 3 decades, ur husband is suspect af, police immediately 🚓🚓
OP responded:
She’s been 18 for 5 months now. I haven’t been able to gauge when their affair started, i’m trying my hardest to figure that out. He deletes his texts every couple of weeks it seems like, so I haven’t been able to pinpoint when this whole thing started.
Character-Tennis-241 wrote:
Take screen shots of everything.
Hire an attorney.
Get your business in order.
Send the pics of messages to her parents.
File for divorce. Tell son. Get counseling for you and children.
MercyForNone wrote:
This. He very likely groomed her by some extent as his s*x toy and God only knows how young she was when he started. Your husband isn't just betraying you, he is betraying his entire family. You need to blow this up with her parents and your son involved. That girl needs to be de-programmed and kept safely away from your husband. Your son also needs to end his relationship with her.
If you think ending the affair will make everything return to normal, think again. Your marriage will not survive this and you know it. Your family is going to need you, so prepare to cut that cheating husband out of your lives because I cannot imagine any scenario where your kids will trust you if you stay with that man once things are made known. Best of luck, OP.
justanormalchat wrote:
Your husband is a piece of work scumbag, the lowest of the low. Unfortunately you’ll have to tell your kids one way or another as you file for divorce. Your sick husband has been grooming her?
arittenberry wrote:
Husband had known the girl since she was about 14 (freshmen in high school). Absolutely disgusting. No way grooming didn't happen.
OP added an update in the comments.
Thank you everyone for overwhelming support. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to your private messages, I'll get to it when I can. Dealing with a lot right now and taking a lot of steps that need to be taken. I'm trying to be smart and strategic with this truly surreal and terrible situation I'm in.
I want to be clear that not telling my son about this was never something I was considering, I didn't mean to make it seem that way. I was just saying I'm intensely dreading it, but obviously it needs to be addressed. It's one part of the many steps of my overall plan. I'm currently playing dumb and collecting as much evidence as I can so I can be prepared for anything and everything.
I'm going to protect myself and I'm going to make sure I don't put myself in any potential harm's way.
I'll post a more thorough update soon when I can. But please know, you've all touched my heart so much and made me feel less alone.
Five days later, OP shared another update.
I'm using pseudonyms for confidentiality. I shared a situation a few days ago involving my (41/F) husband, "Paul," (48/M) our children, "Eric" (18/M) and "Mary" (15/F). I discovered that Paul was having an affair with our son's 18-year-old girlfriend, "Amy." My son has been dating her since they were freshman in high school.
My brother connected me to a very tough junkyard dog type lawyer. I saved screenshots of all his conversations with Amy. I was only able to get the last three months from iCloud. The conversations were mostly flirty and dirty talk; it was hard to stomach, completely sleazy, and I saw several negative things said about me. His call history showed he talks with her for hours pretty consistently.
He uses dating apps. I took screenshots of his profiles and all of the active chats he has with his matches. It’s very clear he uses a filter to seek out girls who are 18-22 or so. I copied all of his files from the computer. He goes on s*x chatrooms and forums, and he spends a ton of money on OnlyFans. I rummaged through every possible hiding spot I could think of in the house.
He had various toys, blindfolds, cuffs, lubricants, etc. He also had different outfits which looked kind of like a girl's Catholic school uniform and a French maid type outfit too. I picked up Eric and Mary from school, and we all drove to my brother’s. They were able to sense something was awry when I picked them up. I delicately told them the entire situation, and I broke down crying.
Mary had the most anger, even more than Eric. I met with Amy’s mother and told her everything. She confiscated Amy’s phone and gave me the entire chat log; it only dated back 3 months ago like on my husband’s cloud, almost as if they both deleted the messages at the same time. She told me Amy sobbed when confronted.
Amy basically told her mother that she will never understand and that she and him are “in love.” I don’t want to get into too many details with what else she was saying, but suffice to say, it's very easy to assume that my husband slowly and methodically became a sage-like figure in her life making her feel she could rely on him, and he took advantage of the fact that she came from a broken home.
Amy is also non-stop insistent that their friendship only became romantic/physical recently, and before that, she said he was more of a "friend and mentor.” I confronted Paul over Zoom. The look on his face was scary. He became red and looked so sweaty; he had anger and panic in his eyes.
His tone of voice was very defensive and frightening; he kept yelling the word “CONTEXT” over and over again and that "none of that happened." He was unable to speak without constant stutters and intensity; nothing really made any sense to me. I refused to tell him where I was, and he said I had no right to take his kids away from him, and then he abruptly left the Zoom.
My lawyer is filing for temporary sole custody of Mary and a restraining order. Mary is still the most angry; she’s totally furious with her dad and Amy, justifiably so, of course. Mary is recollecting moments and times she watched her dad interact with her friends and she's in knots about it. Eric is very clearly hurting but he's so strong and very level-headed. He wants to see a therapist.
The maturity my kids are showing makes me proud. They don't deserve this at all. We made the authorities aware of everything. I plan on being completely unforgiving and ruthless in this divorce.
I'm reflecting on how I've been treated and how it's made me a shell of myself and how I've had a very negative opinion of myself because of him over the last 20 years. I don't want to let this scumbag get away with it. I want to reinvent myself and move on stronger than ever.
The comments came rolling in.
dlafrentz wrote:
How is your son holding up? What has developed between him and Amy?
OP responded:
He hasn’t spoken to Amy yet since finding out the news and I’m not sure if he ever will again.
[deleted] wrote:
Have you confirmed if the thong you found was Amy's? The situation is f#$ked up...
OP responded:
I confirmed that it wasn’t my daughter’s. She said it wasn’t hers. And I know it wasn’t mine. So who else’s could it be.
[deleted] wrote:
Wait...are you saying that they f$$ked in the master bedroom?!
huh-5914 wrote:
Don't cheaters always use their married bed.
OP responded:
Yes I believe he did.
OP added another small update in the comments.
Both me and my son are going to get tested and checked out as well. There’s no telling how many different women he’s been sleeping around with.
As for Amy, her mom has been in contact with me and Amy has been threatening to run away with him because they are “in love.”
G0DK1NG wrote:
Keep him away from your son. This would annihilate me if my dad did this.
That is an insane betrayal on all of you and your kids but damn. I feel so bad for all of you. There’s not CONTEXT to get this man out of this.
skorvia wrote:
I hope you go to war with this, your husband is a horrible person. Take everything you can from him and I hope that his children never regain contact with him, not only did he deceive his mother, he betrayed his son!!! What a piece of s#$t of a man. OP update us on how this is going please, I hope that man gets what he deserves.
Five days later, OP shared another update.
Thank you again for all the love and encouragement; it gives me comfort and means so much to me. I've received many comments and messages accusing me of faking this story, which oddly also provides comfort because all of this feels unreal even to me. It validates my own feelings that there are people out there who can't even fathom this being true. I wish it were fake.
I've been focusing on and worrying about how others are feeling over this, somewhat ignoring my own feelings which I'm trying to change. I range from anger to numbness like a light switch. We're all safe and still at my brother's house. We're very careful, and his house is secured. Paul has tried to call my cell phone several times a day. I am refusing to interact with him.
I will have my lawyer handle all correspondence. He scares me, frankly. My brother has a very secure house with an alarm system and deadbolt locks. We feel safe with him. Both my son and I got checked out and tested. It appears so far that we're both clean based on the immediate rapid tests, but in the coming days, we'll know for certain when the lab results come in. I'm not overly concerned.
Eric is scheduled to see a therapist early next week, which is very good and needed. He's not himself right now; he seems a bit shell-shocked, and I am concerned. He internalizes a lot, and it's hard to get a read on what's going on in his head. That being said, he's thoughtful and has been talking with me, asking me how I'm doing and everything.
He's not interested in corresponding with his dad at all. He calls only my cell phone, and he hasn't tried to reach out to either Eric or Mary. I get the sense that Paul is extremely nervous. He's scared, and I think he deep down knows that if investigated thoroughly, he would be in big trouble. That's what my gut is telling me.
I still think about the Zoom call with him, and the more I think about it, the more it looked like he was a man whose entire world was crashing down on him. The panic in his face was very apparent. I offered Mary for me to make an appointment with a therapist as well, but she doesn't want to see one yet. She said she's open to it eventually but wants time to herself.
She's been asking her friends about her dad and if they experienced any creepiness from him. Her friends were open and honest with her, and apparently, they felt like he stared a lot and sensed his hovering presence whenever they were over. One of Mary's friends went so far as to say that she felt like he was checking her out a lot, like looking at her rear and complimenting the color of her yoga pants.
At the time, no issue was brought up about it, but in light of everything that has been happening, it seems strange now. He would sit himself in different areas or vantage points to get a good view of her, she claimed. He also asked questions about what kind of friend group or which clique they were in at school. He kept asking about if they were "popular" girls.
I'm completely embarrassed that they had this experience at our house. As for updates on Amy, which is the main reason why I wanted to write this update, I completely agree that she is also a victim. A lot of people have been emphasizing that, and I agree. I've done everything I could in my own power to indirectly get her opportunities to get help.
Like I said, I told her mother, and she's been updating me on everything. Amy, unfortunately, is still living in her deluded reality and I can only pray that she'll eventually come to her senses. She doesn't want to see any doctors or therapists at all and has been constantly trying to reach Paul because, again, she believes that they are "in love."
From what I've been told, she hasn't been able to get hold of him, and he's been avoiding communication with her completely. Amy blames me for that and believes I took away his devices and am very controlling. Any truth that her mother tries to convey to her is met with conspiracy theories and hostility. Amy looks at me as a villain and still sees Paul through rose-colored glasses.
Her mother showed her screenshots of his dating app profiles and matches, and she refuses to believe it, saying I "photoshopped" it. According to her mom, Amy keeps saying things like everyone is just mad because she found herself a "real man" and that I'm jealous because she "takes better care of him" than I do.
It's in line with some of the conversations I screenshot, where a lot of what Paul says is him complaining about things I don't do for him s*xually. Right now, she's insistent that she and Paul will be together in the "long run." Ugh, he's honestly a slimeball. I can only hope that Amy comes to her senses, but me directly intervening doesn't feel like it would be productive at the moment, maybe eventually though.
The internet continued to offer their support in the comments.
Useful_Escape1845 wrote:
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Reading all the previous posts, I honestly get the vibe that your husband wasn't a very good one to begin with. Someday(when you're ready), you're going to find someone who thinks you're glorious as you age. Your son is also going to be okay. He's gotten a lesson on exactly how men shouldn't behave.
A painful one, but in time, he's going to realize that Amy was groomed and abused. It sounds like she was vulnerable, and your ex took advantage of a child who was in a bad situation. Hopefully once Amy has had some time to process just how messed up this was, she'll tell the police the whole story. I fully believe something was happening before she turned 18
OP responded:
I believe stuff happened before she was 18 too.
Johnmiliano wrote:
Do you think they kept that "relationship" secret for most of Eric and Amy's relationship? what a disgusting father and pig if that is truth...
OP responded:
I'm not sure when things got actually physical or romantic, but I do think his grooming started as soon as she came into the picture when Eric started dating her freshman year. This "mentor and a friend" that Amy alluded to had to start right away, and the way she's acting now, being so indebted and believing every single thing he says, shows that his effect on her had to be over a long period of time.
She only turned 18 like 5 months ago, her behavior and infatuation for him seems so strong that it couldn't possibly be only 5 months of them being together.
Minute_Bus6892 wrote:
If they are consenting adults then there is nothing to report. This is a personal problem that needs to be dealt with by attorneys and the people involved. People are way too jumpy to snap to the police to fix their problems anymore. OP is handling this the correct way, if any legal issues come into play then her attorney will do the right thing.
OP responded:
The only thing we can really hang our hat on is the possibility of Amy having an epiphany of the reality of her situation and she opens up candidly about when it began. But because she's 18 currently and has no interest in saying or doing anything that could potentially put Paul in legal trouble, nothing really can be done. Unless they find out about other girls that I have no idea about yet.
ruskiekrov wrote:
What's the interaction like with Eric and Paul. That's the one I'm most interested in. The day a son stops looking at his father as a father is the day he stops being afraid of him. Need an update on this for sure.
Also this Amy chick, she ain't no innocent bystander at all.
OP responded:
He doesn't even want to acknowledge his dad's existence right now. I'll keep you all updated on that for sure.
Hopefully, OP and her kids can move forward and heal, and Paul gets exactly what is coming to him.