'AITA for yelling at my husband at Disney World because he fell asleep on our kid's birthday?'
"AITA for yelling at my husband at Disney World because he fell asleep on our kid's birthday?"
heggothethirdoption writes:
My (30F) husband (31M) has this wonderful gift of being able to fall asleep in any situation. I first noticed this talent when we were dating. We would be texting, and then he would stop responding and wake up the next day saying, “Sorry, I fell asleep.”
Now, I recognize that is totally normal, but it started happening every single night, no matter the conversation. Once, I was texting him about some heavy stuff I grew up with, and he was texting and sympathizing, and then immediately stopped responding because he just fell asleep. But once again, we were dating, and it was texting, so I get it.
But then we moved in together. He would constantly, without warning, go to bed. He would get up in the middle of watching movies, claiming he needed to go to the bathroom, and then 30 minutes later, I would go upstairs to find him asleep.
One time he took my dog out while I was doing the dishes, and then I found the door wide open with him nowhere to be found because he thought I would “take care of the rest of it” and he went to bed. We had a VERY serious talk after that, with a lot of resentment building up over him leaving movies and board game nights, and he did get better.
Since then, we’ve had kids, and minus a few times he’s done it where I truly blame exhaustion, he’s been consistent with not doing it anymore. Until tonight. We planned a multi-day trip to Disney World with all my husband’s family to celebrate my son’s birthday.
It has been a Herculean effort to pull this all off, and the price tag has been hefty, but in my mind, the memories are the things I care most about. My son LOVES outer space, and the plan was to have dinner at Epcot’s Space 220 Restaurant.
The plan was that MIL and I would take the kids to meet one of their favorite characters, and my husband was going to bring his one present (a new BB8 he can assemble with his dad) to the restaurant, and the rest of the family would meet us at 6 pm for dinner.
Well, everyone showed up but my husband. I called and called and called with no answer. We eventually just sat and started eating without him, and he missed our son’s entire birthday meal. I was HEARTBROKEN, mostly for my son, who didn’t understand where daddy went because he and his dad both love space.
I went to the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out and then went back and was as present with my son as possible. I saw my husband's location and knew he was still at the hotel, and I knew he probably fell asleep, so I was pretty upset.
My husband eventually woke up and met up with us for the fireworks and never even apologized. He brought the gift with him then, so I guess that at least worked out. I don’t believe in fighting in front of my kids, but I couldn’t contain it and had us go over to a less crowded area and just started yelling at him.
I asked what happened, and he said he just wanted to take a quick nap and thought he would wake up in time. He didn’t even set an alarm. He said it wasn’t a big deal since my son’s birthday is technically tomorrow, but we were only able to get reservations for that restaurant tonight, which is why it was such a big deal.
We went back and forth on this, yelling over fireworks, and I essentially called him a deadbeat dad who didn’t care. This is the kind of behavior my parents would pull, and I was just so angry I couldn’t contain it.
He’s sleeping on his brother’s hotel couch for the night because he is so angry at me for yelling at him in front of people, let alone calling him a deadbeat in Disney. I am still so blindingly mad I can’t even tell if I’m in the wrong.
I know what he did was bad and that he is definitely an asshole for it, but am I an asshole for making it worse? I feel like I just made my son’s birthday worse and like my in-laws are going to hate me after this. Please give me judgment so I can know how to fix this.
OP added more contexts:
I should have added this, he has had assessments done several times throughout his life, and he does not have a sleeping condition. He’s very openly someone who is avoidant to any conflict, so he sometimes uses it to get out of doing stuff (i.e., not wanting to finish a movie, so he just leaves and thus doesn’t have to talk to me about not wanting to finish watching it).
Even if this was an accident, he could have apologized. My speculation is he was over hanging out with his family and just wanted to be alone. And before anyone speculates further, he has zero other diagnoses for anything else. He is neurotypical in every way.
I need to emphasize that the time my husband had to go to the hotel and back to the restaurant was only an hour. I was concerned, even if he didn’t nap, that he wasn’t going to make it in time because the hotel is like a 20-minute tram ride to begin with. He really could not justify even a 15-minute nap.
Here are the top comments:
FloofyDireWolf says:
To anyone thinking it's a medical condition OP has said his assessment showed nothing out of place and that his family explained he uses this as a way to avoid things he doesn’t want to do.
Seems to me that he’s continuing to do that and be inconsiderate, using sleep as an excuse. My husband falls asleep in the middle of things all the time but he sets alarms for important things that are scheduled. He’s never missed dinner or an important event. He might forget to take out the trash because he was asleep. Nothing that is a big deal.
Either he is willing to make changes (setting alarms and backup alarms - 100% of the time when he has something to do, or he’s telling you that it your needs are not a priority. Seems like he’s kind of selfish and a little lazy.
StangledinMoonlight says:
He only had 15 minutes to nap anyway, and didn’t even set an alarm. He had zero intention of being there for dinner.
ConstructionNo9678 says:
Honestly, the fact that he doesn't apologize or acknowledge that he fucked up is what makes me suspect it's more him being a dick than anything else. I have issues with insomnia. They get worse when I am stressed. Sometimes I fall asleep during the day, especially if I'm in a cool, dark place. I also sometimes take quick naps, because if you're running on 4 hours of sleep, then even 15 minutes of rest makes your body feel better.
The key difference is, when I nap before an event I set 2 (possibly 3) alarms to make sure I'm not running late. If I fall asleep during an event, I apologize because I know it's inconsiderate to the people I'm with.
Chloeleachwx says:
NTA. He needs to see a therapist if it's not medical. You deserve a husband who is present, and your kids need a father who values their important moments. You're done making excuses for his absence.
OR mom is the type that makes everything about her. Son’s birthday for example- no longer is son the center of attention, it’s mom because she had to go to the bathroom to cry about something and is weepy and wiping her red eyes during son’s birthday.
Kids go to Disney and instead of kids getting the most out of Disney experience, rather the mom again steals the spotlight by having histrionics. She’s a drama mama. It’ll be that way for the kids entire lives.
heggothethirdoption OP responded:
I cried because we had told our son all day that he was getting his present at dinner. Dinner rolls around, not only is there no present but no dad. I spent 30 minutes of the dinner consoling my crying child wondering not only where his birthday present is but why dad isn’t there.
I was exhausted, stressed, angry at my husband, but I mostly felt like a failure as a mom. I felt like I should have just gotten the gift myself and felt like an idiot relying on my husband. So I took a brief moment in the bathroom to just cry while I breastfed my daughter. I was upset, I’m allowed to cry, I’m allowed to feel emotions.
I washed my face, came back out and no one knew the difference because I was only in there long enough to feed and change her. I didn’t cry in front of him, but even if I did that is not a shameful thing. I was justified in being upset that my son didn’t have his birthday gift at his birthday dinner.
What was not cool of me was yelling. I’ve apologized to my kids and my husband. But I don’t raise my kids to believe emotions are wrong, I let my son be upset because his dad wasn’t there which IS an upsetting thing, and then I let myself be upset. And that’s totally fine.
Whoa he wasn’t even present during the entire vacation?!? Ok you have far bigger problems. I don’t blame you in the least for yelling and I would have yelled too. You should not have had to plan all of this by yourself.
He should be your partner, not another child you have to wrangle. I thought the deadbeat dad was a little harsh until I read this comment that he complains and wasn’t present for a lot of the trip. I think it’s time to reassess this relationship. Also I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this.
heggothethirdoption OP responded:
I honestly knew going in that he wasn’t going to be present, I wasn’t that upset. It’s the entire reason I planned a vacation for 6 adults and 2 kids instead of our immediate family. I knew he would be unreliable and I knew I was going to need help wrangling the kids. I knew his parents would be awesome, and they absolutely were, and that when they were too tired I switched out for their fav auntie.
It was a win for everyone. My husband got to do the fun stuff he wanted at Disney (he’s a big Star Wars fan), my kids got to spend time with his family, and I wasn’t alone in the parks haha. But not showing up for the dinner????
Unacceptable to me I will say I had been to Disney with him once before then. We were in Florida for a wedding and I grew up poor and had never even left the state growing up, let alone going to Disney.
I begged him to let me buy tickets for the day, just to like heal my inner child despite me not being a super huge Disney fan. I even paid for his ticket. He was MISERABLE the whole time. Didnt even attempt to enjoy it and told me if I wanted to enjoy Disney next time not to invite him. Soooooo I took that to heart.
Why are you settling for this kind of behaviour?
heggothethirdoption OP responded:
Because I genuinely believed he could change