'My husband fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory.' UPDATED 5X

"My (33F) husband (34M) fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory."

Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.

Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her. He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late.'

They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into s#xting.

She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.

So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.

I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship…I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it.

He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to poly*mory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her. He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another.

I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works. But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.

Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…

Could you guys give me your opinions on this? Thanks a lot.

Commenters did not hold back.

Anoncommenter wrote:

I'd be divorcing so fast.

DogOfTheBone wrote:

So he cheated and now wants to be able to keep cheating by calling it poly, lol. Come on. Do not have kids with this man for the love of God and if you have any self respect you'll be serving him divorce papers soon as possible. Sorry your husband is a cheating a$$.

swampcatz wrote:

You got married under the assumption you would remain monogamous. He is trying to fundamentally change the nature of your relationship. If I were you, I would drop any attempts at conceiving and figure out your next steps. Personally, I would not stay with someone who desired an open relationship. You need to decide if it’s something you’re willing to entertain or not.

HilMickaelson wrote:

He cheated on you and is now pressuring you into a open marriage. A polyamorous relationship only can work with proper boundaries and trust. However, he already broke your trust by having an emotional affair.

Just curious, what will you do if she gets pregnant by him, or if she starts pressuring him to give her a child after you become pregnant from him? What will you do if he wants to bring her into your home? Also, do you really think he will give you the same attention he's giving you now and won't start spending money on the other woman to spoil her?

If you still go for the open marriage, establish proper boundaries, don't bring a child into the relationship, and start seeing other men too - don't let him be the only one enjoying other people. Also, evaluate whether he isn't just using you as a maid or for financial stability, and that's why he wants to keep you while enjoying his time with other women.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

First off, sorry I didn’t reply to all your comments. I am very thankful for them; they helped me realize hard (but fair) truths about the whole situation. I waited for a bit to think about it all and had multiple long discussions with my husband.

I wanted to confront him before making a final decision. To answer some of your questions: the other girl wanted to meet him, but they never did. Partly because my husband refused, but honestly, mostly because she lives too far from here. I still got checked for S*Ds, though, and I'm clean (yay!).

As for our polyamory friends, they apparently were the ones who suggested him to go down the polyamory road. I stopped talking to them for now; I'll deal with the bigger problem first. I told him his actions hurt me deeply and that while I appreciated him admitting his affair, it was still infidelity.

I told him what you guys said: that turning it into polyamory was merely greenlighting the affair after the fact. That polyamory should be built on mutual trust and communication, which he already broke. That I didn't feel respected. It destroyed him. He said he already knew, deep down, but didn’t want to admit it, neither to me nor to himself. We both screamed and cried a lot.

He finally admitted he wanted to open the marriage for selfish reasons. He is very sorry. He cut off contact with the other girl, let me fully access his computer and phone, and now wants to go to counseling to repair our relationship and marriage. He is showing me a lot of affection and attention since then, although he admits himself it's sometimes out of guilt and not just out of pure love.

And now I want to make it work too, but…am I? Or is it sunk cost fallacy? I don't know. Our first session is in two months (the earliest we could get), and every day I change my mind. Literally yesterday I wanted to leave him, while today I think it's worth giving it a try.

We've known each other for so long, we understand each other on a very deep level and have already built so much together. He was there for me during hard parts of my life. He took responsibility for his actions and is really trying. Plus, if I leave him, I'd have to start my life nearly from scratch: find a new place to live, go back into dating for the first time in 12 years. I don't want to lose everything.

It sounds very hard and scary. Am I not too old for this? But at the same time, that's a form of denial, isn't it? It doesn't matter if those years were good; it's not going to be the same. Even if he gains my trust back, even if I forgive him, I'll never forget. I think he is genuinely remorseful, but isn't it too late for that? I am too empathetic, him being present now doesn't erase what was done.

Do I want to stay not because I still believe in this relationship, but because don't have the strength to ask for a divorce? Because it's the easy choice, some kind of co-dependency? I have no idea. I can picture both paths clearly, and it's tearing me apart. I am lost, maybe even more than I was when I wrote my previous post.

I've lost sleep and appetite, and I'm not sure I enjoy anything in my life anymore. I booked an appointment with a psychologist, for me alone, to help with this whole thing. I am sorry; at this point, I am rambling. I know I am the only one who can decide what's okay and comfortable for me or not. It's ultimately my choice and my choice only.

The emotional hell I am going through just makes thinking about that choice very hard and paralyzing. I'll go to both therapies and try to see what to do from here. I'll try to update, but it's probably going to take a while. I am sorry. I want to thank you again for your support, and I am sending you guys a lot of love.

Shortly after posting, she shared another update/clarification.

EDIT: A couple of info I should have mentioned but didn't because putting all of that into writing without omitting something is much harder than I thought. He cut off contact with her because once he told him he was married and wanted us both, she just ran away and broke up with him. There are times since then where my husband starts feeling sad or angry because of what's basically withdrawal.

And for that he's smart least sensible enough not to blame me.

What kind of marriage did we had before this crisis? It will sound so naive…it's my first and only romantic relationship, we were very close and basically grew as adults together. We could talk about anything and understand each other.

We shared the same values and interests. What changed…I think…is that we got into a routine and he got bored. During our argument he said he was addicted to the attention the girl was giving him and that he felt I didn't show him I was in love with him enough anymore. I told him that even if it was true, he should have told me instead of having an affair.

On one hand I have my faults too and I could accept this as one of them, on the other I was taking care of him and the house while he was sick. I don't think he believes it, I don't think he means it. But it makes me wonder whether I was actually a good wife for him. Even though I am not responsible for his actions. Thanks again for your support y'all. It's a lot, A LOT, to process but it helps me. So much.

The commenters kept it real.

DogOfTheBone wrote:

If you choose to stay, don't be surprised if in a year you find him talking to someone again. Cheaters are sneaky. They'll show remorse and swear they've changed. Meanwhile they're smirking inside because they've started a new affair and think they can get away with it this time.

OP responded:

Thank you. It's obvious and well known. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"… but reading it helps me fight denial. I really need to break up with him. If not for myself, just to show him that actions have consequences.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 wrote:

He fell in love with another woman and wanted you to just accept that and stay with him. He made a series of decisions that put himself in a position to fall in love with someone else. This was deliberate and calculated. It was not a sper of the moment mistake. That's going to take alot to come back from.

You're not too old to start again. You want kids and you have time to find someone you can trust and who considers you enough. I know you are scared to leave, but when you look at this man now, truly look at him is he the father you envisaged for your future children.

This man who was happy to share you with other men, who was happy to leave you at home with the kids and go off and screw another woman?

To leave you at home after you've had a baby and feeling vulnerable and unattractive and tired and go and be free and intimate with another woman? Did he even consider what would happen if he got her pregnant? I hope you make the right choice for you but you deserve better than a man who emotionally cheats on you.

giag27 wrote:

I understand you completely…I think you’re still very young, and starting over at any age is difficult and scary but never stay because of fear of the unknown. Women have left their partners in much much worse situations, ab*se kids etc. Whatever you decide, please refrain from trying to have kids with this man.

No need to bring a kid into this mess right now. I’m not going to tell you what you need to do, a marriage counsellor sounds great, two months though, that’s rough.

Upstairs_Flounder_63 wrote:

He opened his heart to someone and that bell can’t be unrung. Did he flip a switch and stop caring for her? If you can get past that and trust that you’re his only person, not just physically but emotionally, well you’re stronger than I am. 12 years isn’t much in the scheme of things, especially without the complexity of kids involved. Cut your losses and move on.

Three months later, OP shared another update.

Hey. I hope you are doing well. A huge amount of things happened since then. I'll quickly summarize, feel free to check my profile if you want to know more. It was a very, very unpleasant ride. So, soon-to-be-ex husband had an emotional affair online and tried to make me greenlight it by asking for an open marriage (where we'd be allowed to have "side adventures"). I refused and his affair partner dumped him.

He begged me to try to reconcile with him, to which I "agreed" while I was actually trying to prepare my exit. We both went to individual therapy (still am). We separated temporarily three times, but every time I came back, it went terribly. He was desperate.

He kept trying to cross my boundaries, love bombing me, playing the v!#tim, asking to touch me even though I established I didn't want to, threatening to kill himself if we were to divorce…I could go on and on. This made me finally realize (along with my therapist's help, lot of self-reflection and my exchanges on reddit) that I was in an ab-$ive relationship.

Which is an important part (actually THE MOST IMPORTANT part) of this update: please look up definitions and examples of ab-$e, because I had NO IDEA that what my husband had been doing all these years, even before the affair, counted as such.

In his case it was psychological abuse: manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail. Nothing aggressive or mean. Which turned me into a very submissive partner over the years, always catering to his needs while erasing mines.

I rationalized everything. It happened subtly and gradually and I was too naive to see it for what it was. His emotional affair and open marriage proposal were the natural continuity of that. Of course, the more I tried to get away from him, the more manipulative he got. Now that I was aware of it.

I knew what he was doing - but fighting years of conditioning, even if you recognize it and succeed, is f**king exhausting and disarming. So, earlier today, I brought a friend home to assist me. We sat down, the three of us, and I told my husband we were over and I handed him the papers. It might sound dumb but it's genuinely one of the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was terrified.

Yet he agreed. He repeatedly asked me if I was sure. He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - "Was it all for nothing?". Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken. Clearly mad and frustrated. But still, he agreed. He signed them and went back to his parents for now.

We still have to go through the whole procedure, separate our assets, decide what to do with the house and all. And he still wants us to go to marriage counseling. But right now? I feel free, for the first time in months. The last hours have been a mix of tears, celebration and godly, restful sleep.

And I have to thank you guys again, because my first post was the wake up call I needed to eventually, finally(!) get here. Better late than never ig. Thank you so much.

Lot of love to you all.

The internet continued to offer their support to OP.

FeeHonest7305 wrote:

He reminded me of the family we were planning to have and of our best memories together - "Was it all for nothing?". Apparently, yes. He was heartbroken. That's a special kind of asshole. "Was it all for nothing?" after cheating on his partner. He sounds like an insufferable d$#khead honestly. Congrats on your freedom.

OP responded:

I know right? The hypocrisy! The nerves of this man. The worst part is that he appears very charming to everyone who knows him (myself included). Hell lot of people from our circle (who are aware of what he did) still think he's a good person who just "lost himself" for a while. I guess it's hard to accept the ones we love can be terrible persons, too.

AnyDecision470 wrote:

You have been through a long, hard journey, and it will take awhile yet, but you are investing in yourself and your health and happiness!! Good for you! Continue self-care, and practice safety and security. Slow down and heal so that you will be strong and ready to seek and recognize true love. Wishing you a joyous future! You can do this!!

OP responded:

Thank you! I'll do my best. I like to think the hardest part is behind me but this story taught me to expect the worst. Whatever happens tho, from now on, it's me first. I deserve love and happiness and I'll fight for it.

A few months later, OP shared yet another update.

My previous post should have been the final update. I wish. God I wish. But no, of course not. Of course it got worse, again. F my life. After my soon-to-be-ex husband signed the divorce papers, we went no contact—or at least, I tried to. He still sent me text messages, voice messages, and tried to call me multiple times.

He even sent me a long letter full of statements such as, "I'm concerned that your mental health is deteriorating. I believe you need antidepressants to help you feel like yourself again," or, "Your trauma is understandable, but it probably makes you want to punish me by making irrational decisions, like divorce," or, "I am afraid you are surrounding yourself with questionable influences that have bad agendas.

Please let me help you see it through." He claimed that the crisis was just as hard for him as it was for me. People told me he was escalating and that I should protect myself. I should have listened immediately, but I didn't react soon enough.

Then he came to our street. He arrived uninvited and pleaded with me to give him a second chance. He said he wanted to be there for me and for us, insisting that he didn’t deserve any of this. I started to feel distressed.

He saw that I was unwell and wanted to comfort me, so he hugged me. But I didn't want to be touched. I'm pretty sure I told him "no." I think I screamed "no" multiple times, but my memory is fuzzy. Either I misremember, or I did say no and he ignored it and didn’t stop. I know it's just a hug, but it triggered a severe panic attack.

He called emergency services, telling them he was worried about me because I wasn’t myself. I had to ask the paramedics to make him leave. After that, he told me he was there for me if I needed him, but he thought we needed space. He contacted half our social circle to inform them that I was unwell and needed support—our mutual friends, my colleagues, our neighbors, my physician.

People reached out of the blue to ask if I was okay. I became paranoid, unsure of who to trust anymore. Close friends, my therapist, and people here helped me see things more clearly.

My lawyer filed a restraining order against him, but unfortunately, it was refused (not enough concrete evidence of a threat, apparently; I want to scream). We submitted a second request, which is currently being reviewed. In the meantime, I’ve moved into an apartment of my own. He doesn’t know where I live—hell, almost nobody does.

I constantly wonder how he reacted when he found out. I’m still paying my half of the mortgage because nothing has been decided regarding our house yet. It’s financially very hard for me, but I do feel safer. I am feeling much better, although I remain "haunted" by constant stress, sleep disorders, nightmares, nervous tics, random bursts of tears, and rushes of anxiety.

My physician prescribed me sedatives, they do make it easier. I realize I’m isolating myself more and more. I try to fight it, but I'm really afraid that sensitive information could leak, even accidentally. I've started reaching out to my closest friends again, as much as I can.

I am trying to come back here. I keep going to therapy; it’s necessary. Because one part of me—the part he cultivated for so long—urges me to stop all of this: to go back to the house, cancel the restraining order, cancel the divorce, call him, apologize, and repair our relationship. It would be insane. I am not going to do that; I do not listen to that little voice.

I don't. But when your defenses are attacked over and over again, it becomes incredibly hard to reason properly. I can't wait for the divorce to be over. I just want to move on. I want all of this to be behind me. I’m sorry this is bleak. I wish I would have left sooner. I just hope this can help someone, anyone.

The internet kept the comments coming.

Fresh_Mistake8678 wrote:

Install cameras fast. It's for your sanity and your extremely erratic husband.

OP responded:

I already have a Ring doorbell. I am waiting for this month's salary (which should probably arrive today or tomorrow) to buy additional cameras. I also got my landlord's authorization to add latches to the door. I hope this will help.

Silent_Syd421 wrote:

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. He’s trying to use your mental struggles against you. You don’t have to isolate yourself you can keep folks at arms reach until you feel like you can trust them. Definitely get some cameras for your place. Not just for your crazy ex but for other weirdos as well. This will pass, take care of yourself.

OP responded:

I felt like a child. It was so humiliating to find out everyone around me already knew about the panic attack, before I even had the chance to tell people myself. Or just choosing to tell them or not. He kept saying he was there for me and wanted to save me, but he never asked me if I wanted his "help."

think_about_us wrote:

I think the polyamory was him wanting to see if 'they' had a future together, and he would have dropped you like a rock if they did. You have made great decisions throughout this dreadful time.

Even times going back to him after separating were building blocks of you gaining confidence and strength through realisation and experience.

I think we're all excited for the next chapters of your life. Well done OP.

OP responded:

Thank you. I tend to beat myself up over the time it took me to react and all the mistakes I made, reading this reminds me I still progressed, despite it all.

"I think we're all excited for the next chapters of your life." makes me tear up. I want that.

Mak_zaddy wrote:

Get cameras set up at your home for security purposes. Have your lawyer start the process of pushing to sell the house and split it.

Take care of yourself.

Also don’t beat yourself up about how long it took to leave because the biggest thing is is that you did it. No matter how long it took, you were still able to get yourself out and that’s all that matters.

Five months later, OP shared another update.

Hey everyone,

I know it’s been a while since I last posted, and I appreciate your patience. I am OK. I was waiting for the storm to pass but also wanted to take some time to gather my thoughts and reflect on everything before posting again.

First off, I'm relieved to say that a restraining order was finally granted. Shortly after, my ex-husband sent me a long apology/love letter text asking me to take care of myself. I haven't heard from him since then. The divorce was recently finalized, and the house has been sold. It was draining. Saying it was a rollercoaster of emotions would be an understatement. I have to thank my lawyer for carrying it till the end.

Starting over is overwhelming. I often find myself asking a lot of questions: what if I had spoken up sooner? What if I had recognized the signs earlier? What if I had been more assertive and expressed my boundaries better? What if I had communicated more effectively?

What if I let myself get caught in the pain and overreacted? I think I failed miserably and made many mistakes over the past year. I’m still working on forgiving myself for those “what ifs.” I feel bad for the pain I caused my ex-husband and others. There is shame, guilt, and self-hatred for sure. I know I can't change the past. I can only learn from it.

Therapy still helps, even more now that the situation is stable. I don't need sedatives and sleeping pills anymore, most of the time. I still have plenty of bad days where memories, flashbacks, dissociative episodes, and nightmares paralyze me, but I’m learning to cope with them and identify their triggers better.

My new apartment has become a safe haven for me. It’s comforting to wake up in a space that truly feels like mine, not a house filled with reminders of the past or a mere survival space. I've finally found the energy to decorate it with little touches that reflect who I am, and it feels so good to embrace that—to have a place I can call "home."

I recently turned 34. It could have been a miserable birthday, but it was not. It felt more like the mark of a new beginning. I am proud to say I’m taking evening classes, slowly making some new friends, and reconnecting with old ones. The laughter and joy they bring into my life is something I didn’t think was possible anymore.

I still struggle with trust in relationships though. I am very careful around people. I'm still haunted by the traumas, and I never, ever want to go through something like this again. I fear being manipulated and worry that people might realize I’m broken, damaged goods. I have moments of doubt, anxiety, and sadness, but I’m learning to accept those feelings instead of pushing them away.

I understand it’s okay to feel lost sometimes; it's part of the healing process. I carry my scars with me, and I know that while they will never disappear, they will still fade with time. I’m excited for what’s to come as I slowly build a new life, one filled with hope and possibilities. I am not there yet, but I know I deserve happiness. We all do.

For now, I think it’s best for me to do what I was already doing: step back from posting. This will be my last update. It has been one year since I jumped on here, and I am now ready to move forward and focus on my journey, without constantly revisiting the pain. I have plans to travel, explore new hobbies, and meet new people. I want to rediscover who I am outside of my marriage.

Thank you all for your incredible support throughout this. Your kind words and encouragement have meant the world to me. I hope this can help anyone else going through something similar. It’s tough, it takes time, and there are going to be difficult days. Healing is not linear, but it will get better, eventually. I’ll be okay, and I hope you all will be too. Much love to you all.

The internet had a lot to say in response to OP's update.

DChaz1234 wrote:

I just read through all of your posts and am truly sorry for your struggles this past year. That said, I am happy that your life is moving forward and wish you all the best.

OP responded:

Thank you. It was a lot and I am glad the hard part is behind me.

All the best to you too.

whatashame_13 wrote:

Good luck in your new journey! Is your ex still with the other women? You deserve all the best.

OP responded:

Is your ex still with the other women?

As far as I know, no, that ship has sailed while I was still living with him. You deserve all the best. Thank you very much 💛

DaveKayaus wrote:

I’m so glad to hear you’ve turned the corner OP. This is the start of a new chapter in your life and it’s gong to be great!

You have a safe space that you have made your own and that’s valuable.

You’re not ‘damaged goods’ by any means. We all have experiences that have shaped us. Sure you look at the world and the people around you differently. But you’re still you. More so now than ever. All the best.

OP responded:

"You’re not ‘damaged goods’ by any means. We all have experiences that have shaped us. Sure you look at the world and the people around you differently. But you’re still you. More so now than ever."

Thank you. That's a perspective I am still struggling hard to see (although I am working on it). I really like the way your worded it, I'll keep it in mind.

All the best to you too.