My husband got a vasectomy without telling me and I don't know what to do. UPDATED
"My husband got a vasectomy without telling me and I don't know what to do."
Throwaway bc my husband knows my main. I don’t know what to do. My (31F) husband (32M) -fake name Chris, and I have been married for four years, together for six. When we first got together we had several long talks about how we both wanted a big family.
I wanted to be very upfront that child-free is not an option, and I said I wanted to have at least four kids. I’m an only child and know how lonely it is. I also said I wanted to have them about a year/year and a half apart so they could grow up close.
He always wholeheartedly agreed to this and often made jokes like “whether we have 4 or 6, have as many as we want, it’s your call since you pretty much have to do all the work” and on our wedding day before we left the reception for our honeymoon he whispered “can we get outta here and get started on baby #1?” I loved how excited he seemed.
To be clear I didn’t go off my BC until about two months after we were married and I got pregnant soon after with our first daughter Joy.
Joy was a happy pregnancy, long birth, but she was a beautiful, healthy baby. She went through colic which was trying, but other than that she was a happy first addition according to me. I noticed Chris became distant during my first pregnancy, but when I asked him about it he just said he had a lot in his mind being a new father.
He said he was still excited, but something changed. For reference, we both work full time, I make about $20K more a year than him, and the five bedroom house that we live in was a gift from my mom who was very excited to be a grandma to many.
My job is fully remote, but still offers maternity leave, and I have a nest egg savings for emergencies, and feel it’s important to mention this because I know finances can be a major stress factor when it comes to having kids, but not for me and Chris.
Then Joy came out perfectly, Chris had three months of paternity leave and was home with us for majority of that time. My mom visited a lot, and paid to have cleaners come. There were still a lot of long nights and it was tough for me to breastfeed, but overall nothing unexpected.
Chris still seemed distant, but always helped with Joy. We have an agreed open phone policy, so I did check his phone quite often but didn’t find any sign of cheating. He goes through my phone whenever he wants too. I asked if he found me unattractive while pregnant and he assured me no, he loves me and he’s excited for our family.
Fast forward a year after, we’re sleeping through the night and I am back to work, saw my doctor and was cleared to try for bundle of joy #2, and Chris seemed very enthusiastic at this point. He even downloaded an app to track my fertility cycle so we could make the most of my ovulation times.
We had a lot of fun and he was always very passionate, but six months of trying with no pregnancy I started to worry. I’d voice my concerns and Chris would brush them off, so I tried to be patient, but then almost two years passed and Joy is growing up by herself.
I broke down to my mother crying and she agreed to come with me to the doctor to get checked out. I was very emotional and scared, but the doctor assured me everything is fine and that I should be able to conceive without any issues.
I went to Chris with this knowledge and he was very upset I went to a fertility specialist. I explained I thought something might have gone wrong during my last pregnancy, concerned that I was maybe blocked or infertile somehow. He said why not wait and “just let nature take its course” and I said “our little girl is almost three, and growing up by herself.”
I reminded him of our plans and he just nodded and said all we can do is try. I asked if he would see a fertility specialist and he got angry, saying there’s nothing wrong with him and we don’t have the money for fertility treatments anyway. This confused me since we do have money, we have my savings and are doing pretty well.
When he went to sleep I decided to go through his phone again and went back through his calendar and call logs. I noticed about eight months after Joy was born there was a blocked day indicating he’d taken off from work, but it was in the middle of the week and I don’t remember any sort of special occasions behind why he’d take this random day off.
I went through the call logs and found an office number about a week before and when I googled the number a local business where you could get a vasectomy appeared! I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I instantly felt cold all over then started to panic.
I woke him up and confronted him. He just stared at me while I went off and admitted babies were harder than he thought and he felt like my first pregnancy took forever.
I couldn’t believe it. I packed my things, Joy and her things and drove to my mom’s house. She is in distress with my sudden appearance and my inability to stop crying. I finally told her yesterday morning what happened and she’s just beside herself.
I don’t know what to do, but every time I think about how during s#@ Chris would talk to me about giving me a baby and he’d had the vasectomy the entire time. I feel so disgusted and stupid. I can’t believe my little girl is going to grow up alone. Chris has been blowing up my phone, but I just keep letting it ring and haven’t read any of his texts.
Edit's from OP after reading the comments:
To those saying I “coerced” my “poor husband” into agreeing to a big family, nope. I was always open and honest about my dreams, told him it’s okay if he wanted different things, and he not only repetitively agreed and accepted.
He also helped me plan, nest, put together the nursery and enthusiastically participated in conversations regarding having multiple children around friends and family, and always said we’d have at least 4. That was our number. Him getting a vasectomy behind my back was a complete shock.
Also, we’ve both always agreed to the open phone policy. I never “betrayed his trust” by going through his phone since I always had his consent to do so and he has mine. We even have the same phone pass code. I never wanted to be in a relationship where we kept secrets from each other. I know other couples feel different, but this is another thing he always 100% claimed he agreed with me on.
I vaguely remember one week where he actually turned me down for s$# claiming he had a “head cold” and he didn’t join me in the shower like usual during that time, but I didn’t think anything about it. And no, men never need a wife’s signature to get vasectomy.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the initial post:
There's nothing wrong with child number one changing his mind, but he should have been open and honest about that and said that he wouldn't be having any more children, and then it would have been up to you as to whether you could live with that, or move on from him.
What he did, however, was duplicitous and manipulative. I don't think I could stay with a man who was so willing to keep such an enormous lie from me, one which impacts me, my daughter and my future enormously.
Agreed- communication is the answer. It sounds like he was hoping they would continue “trying”, and OP would just shrug along with him that it wasn’t meant to be. Especially with the “just let nature take its course” comment.
The lying is awful. I’m so heartbroken for you.
I am the youngest of seven. I love it. I adore my siblings and would never want to grow up without them. To each their own, but still, it was magical.
Capable_Goal_6116 OP responded:
That’s exactly what I wanted for my little girl. It’s exactly what I wanted when I was a child.
Update from OP 7 days later:
Some of you made some comments about my mom gifting my husband and I a house, paying for occasional cleaning services implying that Chris feels somehow emasculated by this, also implying I am “too financially dependent on my mom.”
I make very good money, I have a sizable savings and don’t need any help, my mom was excited to buy this house for us as a wedding present. My dad passed away when I was young, he was wealthy and left my mom everything, so she shares his love since I’m her only kid. I make more money than Chris and always have. Yes his name is on the house, so yeah I’m gonna get screwed over in the divorce.
Some of you complained I “broke his trust” by going through his phone. He goes through my phone too. We have the same passcode. Some comments called this agreement between us unhinged, which to me is bizarre. Chris, I thought, was my soulmate, my husband and best friend. We don’t have secrets.
I thought. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage? To finally have one person in the whole world you can tell everything to? To always be on the same team? Obviously I was wrong, and as many of you pointed out, that kind of love, trust and openness doesn’t really exist, and none of that matters now.
Chris and Joy seemed fine to me, but in hindsight there’s always been a hesitation on his part. I always thought it was just typical since the short while my dad was alive in my life I don’t really remember him being affectionate or warm.
He was nice and played with me sometimes, but I don’t remember being held by him very much. I asked Chris many times if everything was okay when I noticed he was distant. He always said things were great, and give an excuse; just tired, work is draining, no big deal.
We’re in the US, and here a man can go get a vasectomy at any time. I don’t know what Chris told his doctor. For all I know he took his wedding ring off and gave a sob story, or probably just walked in and asked for the procedure. It doesn’t matter.
I’m really thankful for my mother. She’s heartbroken for me, and like many of you, she already knows my marriage is over. There’s been a lot of long nights of me crying that she’s endured.
I’m numb when I’m not crying, and keep getting this creepy feeling that nothing matters. We’re getting a divorce. I finally called Chris and he sobbed he was sorry, said he might be able to get it reversed. I’ve read a lot about vasectomies since my last post, and sometimes it can’t be reversed. It’s always a risk.
Again, it doesn’t matter. It’s not actually about the vasectomy. It’s that the person who I thought was the one person in the world that I could trust, that I was on the same page as, literally writing the book together, made this decision without me and kept it from me and the lied for years. I really thought what we had was true love. Now I’m pretty certain that doesn’t even exist.
Chris has not offered any explanation. He cried, begged my forgiveness and said again that he could get it reversed. Even if he can, the rest is irreversible. He never once answered my question. It’s really painful to talk to him, so after three times of asking and him each time dodging answering, and begging forgiveness, I finally just said to please leave the house and told him he’d hear from my lawyer.
He texted that he’s packed and left, and I haven’t heard from him since. He never once asked about Joy.
My lawyer says I might wind up paying alimony, but I might be able to get the house since it was a gift from my mother and Chris has never made any financial contribution. He also says Chris committed a kind of infidelity since he went behind my back to have this life altering procedure and admitted it, so that might help me.
To everyone telling me it’s gonna be okay, and I can still have more children…all of that seems impossible right now. My heart is broken. I’ve never experienced such sadness and the only relief is when I’m playing with my daughter. Her happiness is infectious. She is blissfully unaware, having the time of her life at grandma’s, but unlike her father she actually asks where’s da da?
I called work and took a medical leave of absence. I found a therapist. My mom has offered to stay with me for a while, as well as hire a nanny.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I agree with you. It’s lying about and defrauding you. Wanting your money, but not being a true partner. Listen to your lawyer. Do what he says, and you’ll come out the other side. Even if you pay alimony, it won’t be forever.
Not only that, but he let her go through the pain of thinking she was infertile, when he had the answer the whole time. A complete and utter betrayal.
The audacity of letting the person you supposedly love suffer because you want to keep the gravy train going without having a mature discussion about not wanting kids.
Absolutely, the gaslighting is unforgivable. OP needs love and support, not deceit. She deserves true happiness.
Capable_Goal_6116 OP responded:
Thank you for this. 😪