'My husband hid having lunch with a coworker and said my food was ‘tasteless’. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

There's no need to lie to your partner if you have nothing to hide.

"My (38F) Husband (39M) hid having lunch with a coworker (25F) and said my food was ‘tasteless’. What do I do?"

I want this to be quick. I feel really weird about this and I’m on the verge of asking for a separation. So, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 11. Amazing relationship, small bumps of course but nothing like this. I’ve always made lunch for my husband to take to work, and up until a little over a month ago that was fine.

Middle of March he said that a new Turkish food stand opened up outside of his office and that he had been eating lunches there instead because they were good. Alright, no problem. So he just completely stopped asking for lunches. I had maybe packed 5 during this time frame for him, but I’m not even sure he was eating them now.

So on Thursday I was at home working and I had a phone call from him, thought he was calling during his lunch but he had butt-dialed me instead. At first, I didn’t hear much, just him talking to someone, and I was about to hang up until I heard a woman’s voice as well. I wouldn’t say I’m a jealous person, but I was a little bit curious so I muted my call at work and listened.

It was just standard conversation at first, he was praising this woman’s cooking A LOT. Which of course made me realize that he was eating lunch this coworker made. I was a bit peeved but there’s an explanation sure. Although that went out the f#$king window when she said “is it better than your wife’s?” To which he replied “Oh yeah, without a doubt. I mean, it’s not tasteless for a start” followed by laughing.

First of all, what the f#$k is that supposed to mean? 15 years of cooking and NOW he has a complaint? And not even to me but some coworker!! Also, that absolutely isn’t innocent on her end right? I’m not crazy in thinking that’s so weird, why even bring me up? Anyway, I raised hell, ended the call, sent him a message not to ‘worry about my tasteless cooking anymore’ and he ‘can eat from the bin’ from now on.

Hes apologized, said that he loves my food and was just trying to seem cool in front of his coworker. I asked why he lied about where he was getting lunch from, and he said that initially he did get it from that stand, but the coworker started offering and he didn’t want to tell me because he thought that I would get jealous (yeah, can you blame me?)

So, I’ve been airing him since. I’m still pissed to be honest, I haven’t made him lunch or dinner, only for myself since he said that he dislikes it so much. He said today that he’s apologised and that I shouldn’t keep punishing him but I’m literally an inch from going to my mums. I have a suitcase with my clothes packed under our bed ready.

Dad thinks it was a stupid comment, but that I should work it out, mum is on my side regardless of my decision. I’m thinking about leaving for a few days at least, maybe a separation but I honestly just want some reassurance if that’s what’s best here?

The internet had plenty of thoughts.

Blue-eagle-23 wrote:

Has he agreed to stop having lunch with her? Even if she is not hoping to get with him she is certainly not a supporter of your relationship.

OP responded:

He said that he’ll stop having lunch with her and apparently has done since that happened. (Although I have no way of proving this)

the_taco_life wrote:

If he's not cheating on you with his much younger coworker, he wants to/is trying to. Man my v#gina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior. You're not overreacting. You're under reacting.

OP responded:

I absolutely feel it drying up already. It’s like everything I’ve found attractive in him has gone. He’s just so plain to me now.

issa_username29 wrote:

Yeahhhh honestly I’d probably leave for at least a couple of days too, overhearing something like that would piss me off! Has he been weird with his phone or any other communication devices?

OP responded:

Absolutely nothing! No change in behaviour either. He hasn’t been cagey or weird, he’s let me use his phone whenever before all of this happened. He’s been completely normal.

BitterMistake9434 wrote:

Now let's be real here, what are the odds the first time he talks about you negatively is the time he butt dials you. This has been going on since he stop having you make his lunches.

Single_Vacation427 wrote:

Married men who are into some other woman start conversations by making themselves the victim and saying s**t about their wives. In this case, maybe your husband was s**t talking about your cooking and now this coworker is making him lunch, and they are eating it together.

Hexagonsnsuch wrote:

D*mn, he insulted you to look cool in front of a female coworker? Like, why? That makes no sense unless he was trying to impress her. By s**t talking you and disregarding that you have been feeding him for years at the same time, how disrespectful.. That would definitely feel like a slap in the face if I was in your shoes. I'm sorry hun :/ I'd definitely leave for a couple nights, no question.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I’m back. It’s not a great update but you all deserve one for all of the advice you gave me on my last post. He confirmed that he developed a crush on her, it’s an emotional affair at least and that’s all I really need to hear. I sat him down and had a heart to heart with him. Bottom line are these points.

If I hadn’t of heard what he said, he most likely would have continued flirting with her, he admitted this himself.

He liked the attention, she had bad mouthed me previously (I didn’t ask for examples) and he didn’t shut it down because he liked it.

She has actively been persuing him for over three months now, he hadn’t put a stop to it until I caught him.

The Saturday before last she offered to give him a bl*wjob during lunch together, he declined, but he told me that he let her feel his muscles over his clothes.

The only reason he said all of this f#$king s#$t was because I was all sweet and I said “I promise, tell me the full truth and we can move on, I’ll forgive you, I just want to know” Right, f#$k that. He is packing his bags. This is MY house, and it will be treated as such. I really don’t care anymore.

If he’s seriously deluded himself into thinking this is going to last, he can crack on. I’m genuinely so angry more than anything. I did everything for him. I make double what he does so I paid all the bills, while we used his money for fun stuff. When we met he had crippling CPTSD and body dysmorphia. I did f#$king everything to help him get over it.

I dealt with his night terrors every bloody night, despite it ruining my sleep. I reassured him constantly despite not getting it back. All of it without a bloody complaint. You love someone so much just for them to throw you away so easily. He cried, had a panic attack that I had to calm him down from and is now taking his time packing. He keeps stopping to come into the living room to ask for a hug.

I can’t even express how disgusted I feel, like I physically can’t even look at him anymore. There was no need, if he was unhappy he should have told me, I don’t know why the hell he even felt the need to get some validation from this girl but sure, whatever. He keeps saying he doesn’t know why he did it, but of course he knows, he’s just too much of a coward to tell me.

Well whatever, it’s done now. He’s leaving, his family is back in Germany so f#$ k knows who he’s staying with, probably her but I’m washing my hands of him. Thank you for all of the advice you gave me on the last post, so many great ideas that I didn’t even end up needing to use because he just down right admitted it all to me.

The internet had OP's back.

Katatonic92 wrote:

Doesn't know why he did it? Here's my guess based on the info you shared;

You saw him at his weakest & most vulnerable, you are clearly still his backbone judging from his current behaviour.

He doesn't get to play the toxic image of manly man to you, in his mind, you are stronger than him. I guarantee he hasn't opened up to her about any vulnerabilities he has, it sounds like she has appealed to the toxic manly man ideal of making food & offering bl*wj*bs to the big, strong muscular man. He gets to inflate his ego in a way he can't with you.

Not only have you emotionally supported him, you are also the main breadwinner, the provider. You cover the bills, the roof over your head, his contribution is the unnecessary fun stuff.

This is yet another blow to the toxic manly man's fragile ego. He probably considers himself financially superior to her, his money could hold more "value" to her instead of it just being fun money you won't really miss.

He is older than her, gets to seem like the wiser, more worldly adult of the relationship. He will feel superior to her in every way he feels inferior to you.

He enjoyed the negative comments made about your food, not because they were necessarily true but because it meant you weren't perfect & someone else was validating it. Again, when you are insecure it is easier to find faults be derogatory towards a perceived threat to drag them down, instead of building themselves up.

Conclusion. Major insecurity, inflation of ego from someone he feels he holds superiority over. And as f#$king usual, instead of recognising this bulls#$t, speaking to his wife who has done nothing but love & support him, go to see a therapist to work on his feelings, he goes down the easy road.

Instead of doing the work to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, it was so much easier to gravitate to someone who not only let him ignore those feelings for a while, they also found a way to tear you down. I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it is truly pathetic when someone would sooner risk causing this terminal heartbreak, than suffer short term discomfort by communicating. It's pathetic.

Jesus f#$king christ. How do I pin a comment? That’s so unbelievably true I can’t even say anything. Physically he’s pretty intimidating. He’s 6’6 and about 270 pounds, and he can be pretty scary to people who don’t know him. But he’s always been extremely sweet and kind, and that’s one of his biggest insecurities, looking like a man but not ‘feeling’ like one.

Which has always been bulls**t to me. But yeah, everything you said is literally him.

I can’t even thank you enough for writing this. Having it down fully on here is so incredibly validating.

honeybunnana wrote:

What’s he crying for? He did this to himself lmao he wanted this. Good for you for giving him an example of how you’re supposed to end a relationship you don’t want to be in anymore.

Still_actuator_8316 wrote:

Good for you.

And even if he hadn't physically cheated yet. It would not be long before her did. I wish you the best. And I hope you can find another who will give you the live you deserve

Motherofcats0115 wrote:

I am here to say two things.

I, a random stranger online, am extremely proud of you. Extremely! My heart is full of pride for you rn, you did what a lot of people out there don't have the courage to do. You did the right thing, you stood for yourself!

I am sorry that you had to go through this. This is t*rturous and traumatizing! Grief is not linear, there are going to be good days and bad. There may be days you will be proud of yourself, and there might be days you will regret it.

Writing this for those bad days. You did your best, and you did right. You are enough and you deserve much much better.

Sending tons of love your way ❤️

Wrastleguy wrote:

Proud of you for being strong. Too many people forgive this and remain miserable until they’re cheated on, again.

You will find someone amazing.

OP responded:

Urgh, can’t even imagine forgiving him. It’s like my ovaries evaporated looking at him. It might take me a bit but I’m sure I’ll find someone way less maintenance that’s for sure.

jealous-ad-5146 wrote:

So they have been texting and s**? I find it crazy that he's been doing all these but turned down the bj.

OP responded:

Literally. I have doubts he turned it down to be honest. Like he’s fine with her talking s**t about me but sucking his pp is too much? Right okay…it floors me how he could even need that gratification as if our s*x lives weren’t good, like, okay maybe if we hadn’t slept together in months it could have been more of a conversation, but he’s 6’6, that’s all I need to say.

Have to get the stool out now though to remove everything from the top shelf which is a bit of an emotional task. So going to have my mom do that tomorrow.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Yesterday night STBX contacted me. A lot of people told me to delete my recent update made of the post, it honestly slipped my mind that he could be reading it too. He said that he was a bit hurt that I’d think he would go for Alimony. But that he understands given everything.

He told me that he wasn’t going to but if he needed to sign something to prove it he would. I said given everything that’s happened he can’t blame me for being on alert. He said that he’s quit his job and that he’s thinking about returning to Germany to be with his family there, additionally he says he’s cut contact with that coworker.

He apologised again and wished me the best. Right, and that would have been just fine by itself. But I woke up at about 2.15am last night needing a wee and I saw my ring door bell going off. I have footage of him just sitting outside my house talking to himself.

Literally he got there at 1 ish, knocked, sat down on my front steps and just started talking. I slept through it and only woke up because I needed the bathroom. I literally sat in my closet for ages just watching the camera not knowing what to do until he left at 3am. He’s probably going to read this too but I’m somewhere safe, I just can’t tell you all for obvious reasons.

He sent me a message saying he can’t lose me, that I’m the love of his life. I told him to f#$k off and blocked him. I really can’t say much, but I’m taking action. Absolutely don’t worry about that little prick. Just a possible last update, it’s a bit risky to tell you what’s happening now that it’s gotten a bit sh**tier, just in case it gets back to him.

The comments kept flowing in.

figuringitout890 wrote:

I almost feel bad for him. He blew up his life for a meaningless emotional affair and an offer of a b#$w job. Is he still holding to his guns that he didn’t take her up on it?

Considering he admitted he had a crush on her, she pursued him relentlessly, it would have taken balls to turn it down- considering he was already deep in an EA. I can understand feeling flattered that someone is interested, it’s an ego boost, for sure- but that’s where it should have ended.

He should have succinctly told her he’s very happily married and she needs to knock off. Why don’t waywards think of this? Did he really think this was just harmless flirting that wouldn’t affect his actual life? Did he ever expound on the his “feeling up his muscles?" What muscles?! I feel pity for him and his hour long languishing outside of your house.

OP responded:

I did end up asking him why he declined her offer for a bj. I feel like at this point it’s pretty done and dusted, there isn’t really a need to keep lying. He said the main thing was that he was a little bit afraid to cross that line, and that he had rationalised to himself that since it hadn’t turned physical, it wasn’t bad. (He didn’t really elaborate on why he was afraid, we were each other’s firsts, so that’s maybe why?)

I cringed a bit writing about her feeling up his muscles. It feels a bit gross to type out for some reason. My STBX is a physically big bloke. He’s 6’6 and roughly 270. He was in the military for a while and he never got out of that routine. I really don’t know what he means when he says his muscles. I mean it could be any of them.

My heart does really hurt for him in a strange way. I was a bit panicked this morning after I woke up from the nights drama worried if he had a night terror or something. I know that he betrayed me, but I still can’t stop hoping that he’s okay. I’ve messaged some of his friends to check up on him just in case.

Educational_Shop1115 wrote:

OP be safe. I don't feel like he's the type to do anything but desperation makes people do silly things. He knows he just lost everything. Right now, he's in shock & denial about everything. He told you he cut off the coworker in hopes that you'd rethink everything & see his "effort" in fixing things.

To show you he's remorseful & regretful of what he's done. A lot of cheaters go through this stage. In any case, don't be anywhere alone with him because of his unstable mental state & if he happens to contact you always record.

About the reddit post, not updating would be best but if you do decide to update don't post anything regarding your plans about the divorce & don't post anything related to where you might be staying. You can just update how you're feeling & vent if you need too. I'm proud of you for standing your ground. A beautiful journey of self love ahead for you. ❤️

Known_Party6529 wrote:

You are my kind of woman. Woman to Woman. My ex had an emotional affair, too. I left him as soon as I could, and I have been thriving for the last 10 years.

canyonemoon wrote:

I hope you're staying safe! Your ex blew his life up for literally mean comments and some cheap validation that he's better than you. He's already realised how much he's lost. Desperate people can do desperate things. Hope your divorce goes smoothly and he stays far away from you and your family for good.