'AITA for not trusting my husband enough to let him go out to dinner with an ex?' UPDATED
"AITA for being nervous about my husband getting dinner with his last ex?"
Rebound-dork12345 writes:
I really need input from people who don’t know us, so their opinions aren’t biased. I’m very emotional and tired, so I apologize in advance for any typos. My husband, Jack (M, 36), used to date Emma (F, 34) for years.
They broke up because Jack didn’t want to get married or have kids. Emma moved away, and about a month later, Jack met me (F, 30). I don’t look like the typical girls Jack had been dating. For example, Emma is super tall, blonde with blue eyes, and has a PhD. I’m petite (110 lbs and short), I’m a nurse, I have dark curly hair, and I’m an introvert. Apparently, she was a social butterfly.
Jack has a group of friends that he’s known since childhood. They are like brothers to him, but from the very beginning, they didn’t like me. They still call me the “rebound girl.” At our wedding, during his best man’s speech, he joked, “We all thought rebound girls were temporary, but our brother Jack made an honest woman out of her.”
Everyone laughed; I didn’t. They also joke that I’m “just a nurse” and that Jack downgraded (since he has a PhD, technically postdoctoral) from a doctor to “just a nurse.” For my own sanity, I ignore them, and Jack still hangs out with them regularly.
Last weekend, there was a fundraising gala, and Emma was there. I saw her for the first time in person. Jack introduced me, and Emma said, “Yeah, I know who she is! The guys weren’t kidding when they described her, haha!” Jack quickly changed the topic and asked how long she was in town. She said for a week, and then they ended up chatting all night, reminiscing about old times. I decided to talk to other people.
Later, at bedtime, Jack mentioned that he should go out to dinner with Emma. I assumed he meant inviting her over, so I asked what kind of food she likes so I could make it. He said no, it would just be the two of them. I asked, “Like a date?” and he replied, “No, just two friends going to dinner. Why are you so insecure?”
I asked him, “Do you miss her? Do you miss being with her?” He said, “I’m not going to lie, it felt great talking to her tonight. There’s just something about her.” I got really upset and told him he can do whatever he wants, but if he goes on this dinner date, I’m done. He thinks I’m overreacting and being insecure. Is this “rebound girl” overreacting?
Here are some of the top rated comments of the post and OP responded to a couple of them.
eightmarshmallows says:
Your husband and his friends haven’t shown a lot of respect for you or your marriage. How long have you been with him and dealing with this? How long is he going to let this go on?
OP responded:
His family has been extremely kind and respectful to me. Not once they mentioned his ex’s name or compared me. His friends on the other hand think it’s funny to make these comments
theworldisonfire8377 says:
6 months down the road we'll get the update: "Shocker! He's been cheating on me with his ex since they hung out months ago" Please don't be one of those gullible women who let their husband gaslight them into believing that this nonsense is normal.
Good lord. If you were going to dinner with an ex, would he have an issue with it? If he asked you if there was anything to worry about and you said "there's just something about him", you think he'd brush that off? Come on...Either this is rage bait or you're ridiculously naive.
OP responded:
That’s what I told him. Next there is something about her when you touch her? Sleeping with her? Are you even over her? I have never talked about any guy I have ever dated in front of him.
DogTheBotHunter says:
Is this for real? How could literally anyone think they're the a^#%ole in a situation where their husband is going on a date with an ex? Or how could anyone find it ever appropriate to say someone made an "honest man/woman" out of anyone else?
OP posted an update a day later.
It’s 4:45 a.m., and I didn’t sleep last night. I thought I’d post an update. I decided to stay awake and talk to him when he came home. When he did, I told him, “I could have tracked your location, shown up at the restaurant, and done so many things to get my answer.
But I’d like to believe you have enough respect for me to tell me. Were you on a dinner date with your friends or Emma?” He showed me pictures and said, “No, it was all of us—me, my friends, and Emma.”
I was stupid enough to feel relieved, even feeling bad for accusing him. Then he told me to sit down because we needed to talk. He said that after seeing Emma at the gala, he couldn’t stop thinking about her.
He decided to take Monday and Tuesday (yesterday) off and spent the whole day with her (while I assumed he was at work). He went on about how strong their connection was, how they couldn’t stop talking, and how much he enjoyed being with her. He told me I’m a sweet woman, but he never felt that “spark” with me.
He said that at dinner, Emma was laughing and having fun with everyone, and it felt like old times (compared to me being quiet and uncomfortable around his friends). He said it’s best if we go our separate ways.
I asked him if he had cheated on me, and he didn’t reply. I asked again and again, but he still wouldn’t answer. I was so upset and asked, “Why did you marry me if you’re not over her?” He said he thought I was the one, but these past two days made him realize there’s no spark between us.
He kept going on about how sweet I am and that I’ll find someone too. I told him to shut up. I said, “Emma knew about your cancer treatments—where was she when you needed a friend? Why didn’t she ever call you back then?”
He went quiet. I feel stupid for ignoring all the red flags over the years and wasting six years of my life with him. My next step is hiring a lawyer and finding my own place. I feel so numb right now. I’m going to contact my brother to help me.
OP shared some more thoughts in the comments.
CyberArwen1980 says:
He will regret this. He will realize that she was an ex for a reason. It wont work and he will come looking for your forgiveness.
OP responded:
He had the audacity to say he realized he was stupid for now not marrying her years ago. “She is the one for me! She is everything I ever wanted in a partner! We talked about the past! We planned our future ”. Great! Maybe take off your wedding ring before drooling over your ex.
Soggy-Milk-1005 says:
Did he go through chemo and radiation for his cancer?
OP responded:
Yes and surgeries. Doctors told him due to nature of his cancer and strong treatments he won’t be able to conceive children. It was fine by me. I told him I loved him so much and I don’t care about having kids. I’m sure if I had asked about it last night that if Emma knew, he would have gone on about his fairytale plan about his future family with Emma.