'My husband is NEVER jealous and I grew resentful and snapped at him.' MAJOR UPDATE

Communication is everything in a relationship, especially when you're feeling insecure or disconnected from a partner.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman shared her frustration with her husband's lack of jealousy. She wrote:

"My husband (42M) is NEVER jealous and I (36F) am growing resentful."

I have been married to my husband for 12 years, 13 together, 3 kids. He proposed 6 months after we got together and told me he knew by the second date. He is indeed very practical and rational. He is also very caring, kind and supportive, Just really à wonderful partner, except for one thing, he doesn't get jealous, like AT ALL.

By that I mean if someone flirts with me he will just chuckle and move on, sometimes leaving me to deal with them alone. When his friend's father spent the entire night of his son's wedding hitting on me he just said "Pff what à loser" and moved on, I even had an ex write à poem and post it tagged me, he just said "wow cool" and when I say how come you're not jealous he says"why would I? I trust you."

Last week I reached my boiling point, à month ago there were some workers transferred to our department among them was my ex. We broke up amicably, he moved to à different country and we kept à very shallow contact (like once à year for a happy birthday text). When I went home I immediately told my husband and he said cool and then started talking about something else. I snapped.

Not my proudest moment but I said "are you serious? I just told you I am working with the ex I stayed with for years and you don't care" he said "what do you want me to say? I know you and I know you are extremely loyal, I know you will never cross any boundaries, I completely trust you so why would I be jealous?"

Now I know I will never cross any boundaries, we never had that issue in our relationship, I am crazy about my husband, he is the one and only, I have spent my life showing him how much I love him because I really do but being jealous I see it as an expression of love, and him being so cold and indifferent is making me resentful and I hate it.

It just feels like he has taken me for granted. I am hurt and he has been more affectionate than usual but hadn't referred to that argument again. How do I navigate these feelings? It seems silly but I am hurt.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ConnieMarbleIndex wrote:

Why are you angry about the fact he trusts you? You must have learned control and possessiveness means love. It does not.

OP responded:

God I never thought about it that way, thank you.

Molson5972 wrote:

Yeah your want of him being jealous and possessive is a toxic trait. Your husband seems really healthy emotionally.

Financial_Hyena_7960 wrote:

This is a you problem, not a him problem. It seems that jealousy is your love language, and that's not healthy. It's a good thing for your partner to trust you so much that he doesn't get jealous. You should be thankful, not resentful, and I'd seek out some therapy if I were you because you're essentially punishing him for trusting and respecting you.

OP responded:

I know...I will after I apologize to him.

Financial_Hyena_7960 responded:

Well, good on you for being receptive to the advice on here and acknowledging your mistake!

Rip_Dirtbag wrote:

OP, can you go back and reread this and pretend like someone else wrote it and it’s about a total stranger? Because if you do that I think you might see just how poorly a picture of yourself you are painting.

OP responded:

Yes I am seeing it.

Specific-Street-8441 wrote:

I’m being tough to be kind, here: This is an unhealthy way to think. You’ve got a great marriage and a man who loves and trusts you completely. The root of this must be deep inside there, somewhere, and you’re only going to get more bothered by this until you dig down and weed it out. The good news is, this is what counseling and therapy are for.

None of us are perfect, while the attitude you’ve got is not healthy, to occasionally fall into an unhealthy attitude is normal. It’s what you do about it that matters, and you’re already recognising that this seems irrational. Find someone to talk to, preferably a professional. You’ll get past this for good and it’ll stop being an obstacle in your marriage.

It’s not for “nutters” and “basket-cases,” it’s for ordinary people to work on their human flaws and become their best selves - it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s ok not to be “ok,” but it’s not ok to stay “not ok.” Good luck!

OP responded:

Thank you so much for your kind and true words. I know I need help, even I know it is silly to see his trust as nonchalance, I have an idea where it coming from but I need à professional to help me through it. Thank you.

That_Buy110 wrote:

I think when you say 'jealous' what you are not asking for is him to express insecurity, but instead to display some form of territory protection. You want him to act a bit more aggressive in protecting what is 'his'. Maybe talk to him from that point of view.

Tell him you don't want him to cry and weep about how some guy is going to take you away, but rather just a bit of 'back off pal' instead. I suspect this is related to wanting to feel 'protected' by him.

OP responded:

Thank you, that is exactly what I meant. There was one instance when someone was hitting on me (quite aggressively) and my husband just put his hands on my shoulders and said "hey knock it off" he indeed stopped and I was over the moon, so you are right.

The next day, OP jumped on with an update.

Hello again, so I got a lot of messages, advice, and yes insults. iI is okay, I see why. By the way, I just had a baby and someone told me this is important, it might have added to my insecurities. I followed your advice and talked to my husband. I started by apologizing to him and he said it's okay, I just want to understand where this is coming from.

So I explained: by jealous I didn't mean him getting controlling or violent, or even throwing a fit. I understand I expressed myself poorly. I meant I wanted him to show he cares enough to have a "back off" attitude when somebody hits on me in front of him, or just ask how is it at work, him not caring I took it as him taking me for granted and not loving me or finding me attractive.

He was shocked, he laughed and said "how did you jump from me trusting you to me not loving you?"

He then explained his side, he said a lot, but here's the gist: "I don't get jealous because I feel it's disrespectful to you; I don't say anything because I keep thinking you don't need my protection, but I see your point. But I'm not jealous because the notion of you betraying me is just foreign. I know you and I know how much you love me and believe me, that is something I will not take for granted."

"There were many instances that cemented my trust in you: for example when one month after we started dating, I saw you turning down a guy who looked like a movie star and we haven't even talked about being exclusive yet (I didn't know he saw that), when you stood by my side when I lost my dad, when you sold your dear car because I needed an urgent surgery."

"Any time you initiate sex I am singing inside, the sweet notes I find randomly in my bag etc the point is I feel secure and comfortable. do you have any idea how rare that is? I work with a lot of guys, I hear horror stories, while there is me who can't wait to finish to go running back home to be with you."

I told him about how he feels when I sometimes get jealous, he just laughed he said I always find it cute that you think I can see and be with someone else, I am all yours, body, soul and heart. (This man)

He then said "I had an ex who kept on flirting with guys and then eventually cheat, it was nerve-wracking, I was on edge, anxious, worried now I am at peace so me trusting you IS me loving you and being at peace knowing we can be ocean apart, I know you will respect us. Now let me ask you about this ex: Have you had any inappropriate conversation? Any one on one lunches/dinners? any lines crossed?"

I said no, no, and no ofc. He just smiled and said "I knew it" but I can see how you have been not yourself lately and I am sorry if I did anything that makes you doubt how much I love you. I will work on that, I promise. Then he got to the part that I was avoiding; he said given how and where I was raised, and how my parents have been, he isn't that surprised I mistook jealousy for love.

For context, my parents have been together for years but should have divorced years ago. It is a constant cycle of love/hate relationship. Dad used to even beat me and then say that it was because he loves me so much and is worried about what kind of person I will be. So we talked about therapy, I will be going next week.

He also suggested a couple counseling because he wanted to learn how to be a better husband. we also talked about different love languages, future plans etc. He called Ma (his mom) and asked her to take care of the kids while we went on a date, we had dinner and then had ice cream.

When we reached our home I was laughing hard at his dad jokes (it kinda his thing) so he suddenly hugged me long and said "welcome back love, I missed you" I MELTED. So now he is sleeping with his head on my lap, I wanted to thank you all for your advice, kind and even harsh words. I needed them.

To be honest I am still scared of therapy because I know how ugly it is going to get, maybe this is why I have postponed it for so long, but my family and I deserve to have my own best version, so if that means slaying some inner demons, then I'll do it.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

Fluffle-Potato wrote:

He sounds like a super nice person who loves OP very much. I just can't shake the feeling that there's something unfair about him apologizing and promising to work on himself and take therapy to learn how to be a better husband. I mean...it's like.....what???

I get that everyone might benefit from therapy and self reflection, and he may have just been trying to make OP feel better about her own toxic behavior. It just feels unfair for the person who's done no wrong to randomly take on blame and vow to make adjustments for no reason. But idk, I'm probably just peeing on everyone's happiness parade here, so hell with it.

OP responded:

I totally understand and I told him that. First of all, this was never an issue before, I addressed it once in 13 years and occasionally get annoyed but never made it àn issue . It was a long discussion, we had to stop sometimes for the kids, breastfeeding etc, so i omitted much of it.

But I told him he had no need to apologize, it was entirely my fault that I had that meltdown (whether it was a mixture of hormones, triggers, past whatever) I am to blame and I will work on my issues. He said he felt he was doing not so good of à job if for a second I suspected that "he didn't love me with every fiber of his being."

So he suggested counseling to understand how better communicate and learn each other's love languages. I know sometimes I think I must have been à Saint in past life to have him in my life now.

DplusLplusKplusM wrote:

Kudos to your husband for not allowing you to drag your parents' poor relationship role modeling into your marriage. Sounds like you found an absolute "keeper."

OP responded:

He really is thank you!

GarlicTraditional227 wrote:

He learned from bad past experiences. Stressing over things that are out of your control is bad for your health. I told my girl the same thing. I trust her. But if she does I won’t trip, I’ll just leave. No need to stress about it because you can’t control what someone is going to do.

If they wanna cheat they’ll do it anyways so just let them and go find your own path. It took me a while to realize how much better I felt not holding onto that tension.

OP responded:

Exactly, he kept repeating "I am at peace now."

Mscatw wrote:

It’s a whole different world to be with a non-jealous man. It took me awhile to find my footing. My husband doesn’t get jealous often, but apparently he keeps his eyes out for me. Lets me handle my own and when I can’t he steps in. I too confused jealousy of a healthy relationship. And it’s not. I’m so grateful towards my husband. Again he rarely ever shows jealousy.

Alert_Bid1531 wrote:

You have a keeper but don’t forget you are as well. You make your husband feel at peace can you imagine what a feeling that must of been for him when he first started to date you after he’s had past relationships of cheating.

Therapy will be hard but your both there for each other and every month go on date nights make it fun both write date ideas and tick them off to give you both a little congratulations on doing therapy and a night to decompress with your husband and have fun.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will follow your advice, especially that I am scared of therapy.

This is a situation that ended surprisingly well.