'AITA for telling my husband to grow a spine and not let his teenage daughter walk over him?'
"AITA for insisting my husband stop giving his daughter food that makes her sick "
Grandmas_Cozy writes:
My (42F) stepdaughter (13F) has her dad (42M) wrapped around her little finger—in mostly a good way. He is a great dad, super connected, and present. He spends tons of time with her and loves her to pieces.
My stepdaughter is smart, funny, and independent—really just starting to grow into being her own person. She went through a lot when she was with her mom (up until a few years ago) and didn’t really get basic parenting with healthy boundaries and consequences.
She struggles a lot with honesty and is incredibly manipulative with any adult she can get away with it. I have a lot of patience for this because, up until recently, the adults in her life haven’t really given her a reason to be honest.
But she will lie, cheat, and manipulate to get out of doing anything she doesn’t want to do. Lately, it’s been coming home from school ‘sick.’ Her stomach reacts badly to both dairy and gluten. I feel really bad for her. We went a few weeks without both, and all her stomach issues cleared up. But she wants to eat whatever she wants, and her dad doesn’t want to force anything on her.
I said, “Okay, you have two options: 1. We can cut out dairy and gluten (I’m perfectly happy to do it with you), or 2. You can’t come home sick from school anymore unless you’re throwing up or have a fever.” We also agreed that if she stayed home ‘sick,’ she wouldn’t get her cell phone until school got out.
My husband agreed it was a good compromise, and I thought that was the end of it. Today, I found out she came home from school with ‘diarrhea,’ was on her phone all day, and spent the evening at her friend’s house.
I gently lost it on my husband. I told him he is either making her sick or being manipulated by her—neither of which is great parenting. Today, I insisted that he either gets the dairy and gluten out of the house or tells his daughter that if she chooses to eat dairy and gluten, she has to stay at school. And if she does come home, she doesn’t get her phone and can’t go to friends’ houses.
I feel like a jerk, but this situation is driving me crazy. I know she’s been through a lot, but I don’t see how allowing this behavior is helping her. Am I the a%#@ole for putting my foot down?
Here are the top rated comments.
imafrickinglion says:
NTA. Some other thoughts, though. Sure, it's entirely possible that this girl simply wants to eat whatever she wants during lunch at school and then inevitably ends up going home, and she might even be eating it on purpose just to get out of school as you suspect.
But also, what classes does she have after lunch? What people are in those classes? Does she get along with those teachers? Is someone perhaps bullying her if she continues to attend classes after lunch? Is that when Phys Ed is and she can't stand changing in the locker room?
Basically, there might be something else going on here than just a problem child trying to manipulate something. Hold your ground because for sure, she needs to be looking after her gut health regardless. But also, I'd be keeping an eye out for other causes and warning signs.
Ok_Homework_7621 says:
NTA. But your husband is literally intentionally harming his daughter. Long-term effects of ignoring gluten intolerance or celiac can be very serious. He might as well be putting small amounts of poison in her food. He needs to take this seriously and teach her to do the same before she ends up with lifelong consequences. To be honest, I'd even be thinking about whom to involve.
no_good_namez says:
NTA, but your husband is. This child is 13; she’s not going to voluntarily choose a restrictive diet. She needs help to stay healthy and your husband is not providing that.
NalaIDGAF20 says:
NTA. Your plan in how to deal with the situation sounds like a good plan, giving her the option to stay at school or come home and not have phone access. You and your husband decided on the boundary, and you both need to stand by it.