'My husband wants to leave me for celebrating my late aunt's bday on his sister's bday.' AITA? UPDATED

"My husband wants to leave me for celebrating my late aunt's birthday every year."

Hi everyone. I apologize if this post is all over the place as I am filled with a lot of emotions and anger. For some context, I (24F) didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother and father divorced when I was extremely young. Needless to say, they weren't very good co-parents. My mom was an alcoholic and my father used substances.

My aunt (Who wasn't my aunt by blood, but was my grandmas best friend) took care of me most the time when I would have to stay with my father. She would constantly make me feel loved and taken care of. She would always have fun activities planned for us to do together such as making bead bracelets and bead art, making other jewelry and painting. I loved being with her because there was never a dull moment.

When I was in fifth grade, my mom got clean and got full custody over me. We ended up moving towns and I never really saw my father again. It got extremely difficult to see my aunt but as I got older and could drive, I started seeing her more again.

Fast forward to a few years ago, my aunt passed away due to lung issues. I had not seen her in years because I was working and was dating my husband (25M). I felt extremely guilty that I hadn't seen her in so long. Once I was told about the disease, I immediately went to see her in hospice. I went and saw her twice and the last day I saw her, she passed away holding my hand. I was extremely broken.

My aunts birthday is on September 15th, ever since she passed away I've always made her favorite flavored cake, sang happy birthday, and blown out candles for her. This is my way of showing appreciation and love for my aunt...but, my husband's sister's (12F) birthday is also on the same day. I love his sister and always spend the majority of the day with her.

At the end of the night, I do go home to bake the cake for my aunt. This makes my husband furious. Anytime I ask him if he would like to join me, he always angrily declines and says his sister is more important. I totally understand and leave by myself.

He sent me a text saying "I'm not coming home tonight" and I respond "I love you, be safe." I wake up this morning to see all of his stuff from the apartment gone, along with a text saying "You are extremely selfish and leaving a 12 year old on her birthday for a dead person isn't okay. I will be contacting a divorce lawyer."

I immediately started crying as my husband knew how much my aunts death impacted me. He also knew I would celebrate before even marrying me. I am more angry than sad right now that I let this man destroy my life over me wanting to bake a cake for my aunt.

The relationship never had any huge issues and yes, he would get annoyed every year but it was never to this extent. Needless to say, It's only been a few hours but I am okay with him wanting to divorce me, as I don't need to be with someone who can't accept me making a damn cake because I will not stop. AITA?

What do you think? Did she do anything wrong? This is what commenters had to say:

Alarmed_Lynx_7148 said:

Yeah that’s not a partner you want. Anyone who acts like this towards something or someone or anything, their partner deems as important to them, should not be in a relationship. Something is wrong with him and he’s doing you a favor.

Also if he retract this, the divorce part, you have some serious thinking to do. Either take him up on the offer and do it yourself or keep your eyes open because this is a crack in the foundation of your relationship.

Aylauria said:

While I can understand not wanting to divert focus from his sister on her bday, he seems to lack empathy here. You are obviously still grieving your aunt. And you seem to be doing it in a respectful way.

This feels like an "I want an excuse to get divorced" scenario. You seem better off without him. But I do hope that you have or are getting grief counseling.

OP responded:

I totally agree. I never forced him to ever do it with me, I understand his family is important to him so I see no reason why he would was a divorce over this!

butterflyinflight said:

If it wasn’t your aunt’s birthday, he would’ve found something else to make an issue of. He just wants to be angry.

SnoopyisCute said:

I am sorry about the loss of your special aunt. I understand both positions here but your estranged spouse seems outrageously angry about it. I started brainstorming how to make this work for all parties but his anger pushes me to your camp 100% especially because the shared birthday kids isn't even his child.

So, while I know it's hurtful, I think divorce will give you the peace you need to grieve your late aunt how you want and move beyond being the emotional punching bag of someone that can't seem to empathize with the depth of your loss. I wish you peace.

And rofosho said:

Um a 12 year old doesn't need a whole day for a party. You spend the majority of the time together. That's enough. I only ever had a party for a few hours growing up. It's perfectly normal. Your husband is hiding something else.

She later shared this update:

Hey everyone! First off I want to thank everyone for their support and kind regards to me. I am going through an extremely emotional time right now.

For some context to the first story, some people were saying I was prioritizing the dead over the living. This is NOT true. I work extremely early in the morning for work so I'm usually in bed by 8:30pm. Depending on the day of the week my SIL birthday lands on, I go straight to her after work, or if I'm not working then early in the morning.

Even on days we are just visiting my husband's family, we usually leave around 8:00pm so I can get home and get ready for work. His family lives not even 5 minutes away from us. Whenever I make the cake for my aunt on her birthday, I still leave at 8:00pm and just go to bed a little later. I do not prioritize my aunt over my SIL.

I also have gone to grief counseling as it's always been hard for em to process a loss. My counselor was the one who made the recommendation to do nice contribution to her every now and then. So for everyone saying the way I'm coping is "unhealthy" and a "ritual" thanks, but I'd rather listen to the professional. Now onto the update.

After I posted the original post, I contacted a family friend who is a divorce attorney. After a few hours after the text from Rayden (Husbands name), I decided to text him back. "I understand. I have hired a divorce attorney." This clearly made him shit his pants as not even 5 minutes later he came back home.

He started saying he was just drunk and didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't say a word. He kept saying he was sorry and he didn't mean it. I told him to go back to his parents house. He kept begging as he left. He then started blowing up my phone with the same apology.

After about 20 minutes, I received a call from his mother. His mom loves what I do for my aunt and has asked to join me a few years ago. She called me saying she just had a conversation with her son and wants to know why "I'm leaving him because he didn't join me in making the cake."

I just started laughing and sent her the screenshots of his texts last night. He tried to lie and say I was the one wanting a divorce. His mom was extremely shocked and said she will call me later.

Around an hour later his mom came knocking on my door. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I let her in and gave her a cup of coffee. We sat down and she told me that after she confronted Rayden after seeing the texts he started saying that he gets angry when I celebrate because I don't need my family since we have his.

I do not talk to my mom that often, but when I do he gets extremely defensive and insecure about it. Now I know why. He also told her that he threatened to divorce me as a way for me to say I'll stop celebrating my aunts birthday. His mom also told me she respects my decision to get a divorce attorney but that she will always love me like a daughter and will always be there for me If needed.

I am going through with the divorce and am working closely with my lawyer. This will be the final post I make about this situation and appreciate everyone for supporting me. Thank you all.