'My husband's single ex-wife wants to come on vacation with us, and I don't want her to. AITA?'
"My husband's single ex-wife wants to come on vacation with us, and I don't want her to. AITA?"
My husband and I have been talking to his son for a long time about taking him with us to abroad, as we travel every year. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and I have been a normal part of our son's life. Now that our son has been expressing that he wants to go with us abroad, my husband's single ex-wife is suggesting she go with us to take our son abroad.
For a little back story, every time my husband and I tell her we are going to take our son to a movie, event or some type of show, she buys tickets for the same event a week or two before we take him so that she can take him first.
She also made it INCREDIBLY hard for me to meet my son, even after a year of my husband and I dating, but introduces her boyfriends to our son within weeks of dating. Now that we want to take our son traveling with us to show him what is out there, she is insisting she must come too. I married my husband and my son. I did not marry his ex-wife.
Now my husband is saying I am childish for not wanting to take his single ex-wife on vacation with us, to stay in the same VRBO as us. If it were truly about giving our son the best life we all could, the ex-wife would stay home and trust us to take care of our son.
Never, in any of our MANY discussions about traveling with our son has my husband brought up that we should bring his ex-wife, and now all of a sudden I am the a$#%ole and childish for not wanting to play "full house" with her, since she can't handle not being the first to give an experience to our child.
Edits from OP:
I refer to him as "our son" because I will never treat him like he is an outsider in my husband and I's family. No child deserves to feel like an "other" or an "outsider." I know I am not his biological mother. He only has one of those. I have never asked him to call me "mom," nor would I.
I do however share financial responsibility for him, plan his birthday parties that he spends with us, and do anything and everything I can to give him every bit of attention and love that EVERY child deserves. NO CHILD deserves to feel like a step child, that's why I don't call him my step-child. I'm sorry if that offends anyone.
My bonus son's bio mom is an excellent mother to him. I never refer to him as "My son" in front of him, I always introduce him as "My bonus son" so as not to confuse him and I always speak highly of his mother in front of him. I am not trying to take her place, nor have I ever tried to.
I have never, nor would I ever ask him to call me "mom" he calls me by my first name and I am content with that. I know my boundaries.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
potenttechnicality said:
Yeah, you and hubby need to have a talk about this one. If his ex wife comes on the trip, you'll be visiting a lawyer. He HAS to separate the fact that she's remaining in his life as his sons mom from his duties to you as a husband. She's not his wife and you are. Keeping her quiet and happy cannot come at your expense.
Otherwise-Average699 said:
There is NO FREAKING WAY I would stand by and let this happen. You need to make it plain to your husband that this is the hill you die on.
ERVetSurgeon said:
NTA. Tell your husband that he already has a wife and he does not get two wives. Stand strong on this or this will be your life forever. Stop telling her and your son plans in advance. You could tell her one movie and then go to another across town. Otherwise, you should leave.
Kindly_Good1457 said:
NTA: Tell him it’s cool if his ex wife goes, but you’re bringing along a couple of ex boyfriends. When he freaks out, tell him he’s being childish and that your ex’s should be allowed to accompany you, since it’s ok for his ex to accompany him. See how fast his tune changes.
Wild_Equivalent6461 OP responded:
His argument is that I don't have children with any of my ex's and that the trip is not about me or his ex, but about/for our son.
Kindly_Good1457 said:
It’s not for your son. It’s for his ex. There is no reason for her to tag along. If I was you I’d tell him he can take the ex and the son on the trip because you’ll be busy filing for divorce and moving out. It’s bull^%#t. Tell him to decide. She is over involved. Boundaries matter. Don’t accept this s^%t.