MIL’s constant insults leave bride wondering if she’s making the biggest mistake of her life. AITA? UPDATED 4X
"My MIL is a nightmare. Should I call off the wedding?"
I’m getting married in six weeks to James (30M), who I genuinely love. He’s kind, funny, supportive—or at least he was until wedding planning turned into what feels like an extended episode of Mean Girls, with his mother, Karen (56F), playing the role of Regina George’s older, scarier, passive-aggressive cousin.
I’ve always been super non-confrontational. Like, I’m the kind of person who says, “Oh no, it’s fine!” when the waiter brings the wrong food because I don’t want to be a bother.
I hate drama. I hate conflict. I’d rather swallow my feelings whole than deal with the awkwardness of an argument. But Karen is turning me into the kind of person who screams into pillows.
At first, I thought she was just the typical overbearing mother. You know, the “no one is good enough for my son” type. But this is… different. She’s not outright rude. It’s worse than that because everything she does is wrapped in this “I’m just being helpful!” package, which makes me feel crazy for even getting upset.
At my bridal shower, she stood up and gave this heartfelt speech, ending with, “I always pictured James with someone more refined, but Sara’s so… fun and casual! It really keeps things interesting.” The whole room laughed, and I sat there wondering if anyone else felt the secondhand sting.
She’s part of this little clique of family friends—think adult “cool moms” who wear matching yoga gear and drink wine like it’s a personality trait. They make me feel like an outsider at my own engagement events. I swear, it’s like I’m back in high school, trying to sit at the lunch table with girls who pretend they don’t hear me.
She gifted me a book called “The Art of Being a Good Wife.” When I awkwardly laughed, she said, “Oh, it’s just a little joke! But marriage can be challenging for women who’ve been so career-focused. Thought you’d appreciate it.” Like… what? Am I supposed to be grateful?
At a family dinner, she glanced at my plate and said, “Wow, you’re not one of those brides obsessed with crash dieting, huh? Good for you!” I didn’t even know how to respond because… was that a compliment? An insult? Both?
She once pulled me aside and said, “Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, especially if you’re not naturally organized. But you’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.” This was after I mixed up ONE vendor appointment. Like, sorry for being human?
She constantly “forgets” basic things about me. She introduces me to people like I’m an afterthought: “This is James’s fiancée… uh, Sara, right? She works… with numbers or something?” I’m a data analyst. I’ve told her this multiple times. She just doesn’t care to remember.
The worst part? James doesn’t see it. Every time I try to talk to him, he says, “That’s just how she is,” or “She doesn’t mean it like that.” He’s not a mama’s boy—he’s just blind to the subtle stuff because he’s grown up with it.
My family? They’re the “keep the peace” type. My mom literally said, “She’s probably just nervous about losing her son. Don’t take it personally.” Like, okay, but why does her anxiety have to become my emotional punching bag?
The only person who’s truly been in my corner is my maid of honor, Lena. She’s the kind of friend who would fight a bear for me. She’s witnessed Karen’s behavior firsthand and has even called her out in the most polite, cutting way imaginable—basically my hero. Shesw also has been gently trying to push me toward standing up for myself.
Now here’s the thing: I’ve seriously considered calling off the wedding. But the idea of doing that? Absolutely terrifying. Not just because I love James, but because dealing with the fallout sounds like my worst nightmare.
The awkward conversations, the disappointment, the feeling of having failed—it’s enough to make me want to crawl under a blanket and never come out. But at the same time, I’m scared of walking down that aisle with this giant pit in my stomach, knowing I ignored every red flag because I was too afraid to speak up.
So, am I overreacting? Is this normal “wedding stress” that everyone deals with? Or am I ignoring something that’s only going to get worse after the vows are said? I just need opinions from people who aren’t biased because I feel like I’m losing my mind here.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Have you told him that you are considering breaking off the wedding?
OP, I am so sorry. Your fiance will never have your back and your future MIL will just get worse because he can't or won't set boundaries. It's time to have an honest conversation so he fully understands how serious this is for you. If he still doesn't see the issue then I think you have your answer.
OP, you have a fiancee problem, not a mil problem. He should be putting the boundaries down with his mother. He should be defending you so you need to at the very least postpone the wedding, so there will be fallout stand your ground because if you don't am afraid it won't be a happy marriage which could bring bigger fall outs involving children.
Be brave, stand your ground now. I say to my daughters, " Know your worth because if you let someone else decide them, you may not like them." Good luck in whatever you choose.
I’d postpone it until you can open his eyes and he steps up. Can you record her? Premarital counseling? It’s a lot easier together away now than it would be once you’re legally married…
I get calling off a wedding can bring a sense of failure, but divorce is 100 times worse in failure feeling stakes. I am sorry you are at this place. Understand that this will not get better after marriage, she will continue to do this and probably double down on the condescending patronization. Do you want to live with that? Treasure yourself, believe in what your heart is telling you and chose your best life forward.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I never thought I’d be posting here, but I’m at my breaking point. I’m getting married in six weeks to James (30M), who I genuinely love. He’s kind, funny, supportive—or at least he was until wedding planning turned into what feels like an extended episode of Mean Girls, with his mother, Karen (56F), playing the role of Regina George’s older, scarier, passive-aggressive cousin.
I’ve always been super non-confrontational. Like, I’m the kind of person who says, “Oh no, it’s fine!” when the waiter brings the wrong food because I don’t want to be a bother.
I hate drama. I hate conflict. I’d rather swallow my feelings whole than deal with the awkwardness of an argument. But Karen is turning me into the kind of person who screams into pillows.
At first, I thought she was just the typical overbearing mother. You know, the “no one is good enough for my son” type. But this is… different. She’s not outright rude. It’s worse than that because everything she does is wrapped in this “I’m just being helpful!” package, which makes me feel crazy for even getting upset.
At my bridal shower, she stood up and gave this heartfelt speech, ending with, “I always pictured James with someone more refined, but Sara’s so… fun and casual! It really keeps things interesting.” The whole room laughed, and I sat there wondering if anyone else felt the secondhand sting.
She’s part of this little clique of family friends—think adult “cool moms” who wear matching yoga gear and drink wine like it’s a personality trait. They make me feel like an outsider at my own engagement events. I swear, it’s like I’m back in high school, trying to sit at the lunch table with girls who pretend they don’t hear me.
She gifted me a book called “The Art of Being a Good Wife.” When I awkwardly laughed, she said, “Oh, it’s just a little joke! But marriage can be challenging for women who’ve been so career-focused. Thought you’d appreciate it.” Like… what? Am I supposed to be grateful?
At a family dinner, she glanced at my plate and said, “Wow, you’re not one of those brides obsessed with crash dieting, huh? Good for you!” I didn’t even know how to respond because… was that a compliment? An insult? Both?
She once pulled me aside and said, “Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, especially if you’re not naturally organized. But you’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.” This was after I mixed up ONE vendor appointment. Like, sorry for being human?
She constantly “forgets” basic things about me. She introduces me to people like I’m an afterthought: “This is James’s fiancée… uh, Sara, right? She works… with numbers or something?” I’m a data analyst. I’ve told her this multiple times. She just doesn’t care to remember.
The worst part? James doesn’t see it. Every time I try to talk to him, he says, “That’s just how she is,” or “She doesn’t mean it like that.” He’s not a mama’s boy—he’s just blind to the subtle stuff because he’s grown up with it.
My family? They’re the “keep the peace” type. My mom literally said, “She’s probably just nervous about losing her son. Don’t take it personally.” Like, okay, but why does her anxiety have to become my emotional punching bag?
The only person who’s truly been in my corner is my maid of honor, Lena. She’s the kind of friend who would fight a bear for me. She’s witnessed Karen’s behavior firsthand and has even called her out in the most polite, cutting way imaginable—basically my hero. Shesw also has been gently trying to push me toward standing up for myself.
Now here’s the thing: I’ve seriously considered calling off the wedding. But the idea of doing that? Absolutely terrifying. Not just because I love James, but because dealing with the fallout sounds like my worst nightmare.
The awkward conversations, the disappointment, the feeling of having failed—it’s enough to make me want to crawl under a blanket and never come out. But at the same time, I’m scared of walking down that aisle with this giant pit in my stomach, knowing I ignored every red flag because I was too afraid to speak up.
So, Potatoes Am I overreacting? Is this normal “wedding stress” that everyone deals with? Or am I ignoring something that’s only going to get worse after the vows are said? I just need opinions from people who aren’t biased because I feel like I’m losing my mind here.
Later that day, the OP returned with more info.
I wanted to give you an update, and things have definitely shifted in the past day. After reading through all the comments, it was clear I had to talk to James first, but I'll be honest, I needed a boost.
So, before talking to James, I called my brother for his perspective. I thought he'd be on my side, but he gave me a reality check instead. He said he couldn’t believe I was seriously considering canceling the wedding over a few comments from my MIL.
He told me if that was the only reason I was planning to cancel something so huge as a wedding, I needed to take a serious step back. He basically told me that no one is perfect, and relationships, especially marriage, involve compromise. He said a wedding is a huge deal, and I shouldn’t rush to make a decision over something that could be worked through.
Then, he said something that hit home: "This is how you always are. You have no opinions until the very last moment, and then you freak out when you realise how it's actually a problem and wont go away just because you don't react to it. "...
I didn't realise that this was a problem but looking back...wow he was so right. And honestly? I didn’t realize I had a pattern of letting things build up until I can’t take it anymore, and then I panic. That’s something I need to work on.
After that conversation, I went straight to James. I’m terrible at confrontations and tend to get emotional, so I decided to write him a letter to get everything off my chest. I told him how hurt I was by his mom’s comments, how I felt unsupported when he didn’t take me seriously, and how worried I was about moving forward with the wedding if things didn’t change.
When we sat down after he read it, he told me how hurt he was that I jumped straight to thinking about canceling the wedding without talking to him first. He felt blindsided and like I didn’t give him a chance to be part of the conversation. Again, wow, you guys were so right about actually talking it through with him.
But he admitted that he didn’t realize how much his mom’s behavior was affecting me. He agreed that it wasn’t okay and that he shouldn’t have brushed off my feelings. At the same time, he explained how much he loves his mom and how worried he is about making things worse if he steps in too hard. Still, he promised he would back me up when I need him.
It’s clear to me now that I’ve been expecting James to handle things with his mom that I need to address myself. I can’t rely on him to fix everything. I need to step up and handle some of this on my own. Next, we’re planning to have a private conversation with his mom. I’m not sure how much it will help, but having James there for support can only make things easier.
And I talked to him about couple therapy.... He felt we didn't need it, but we still booked a session, just to see if it would help. I am not sure what the conversation with karen would be like, but like everyone pointed out I should deal with it first instead of imagining the worst and just supressing it. Not sure what that looks like, and even just writing this is making me hyperventilate and want to puke, but, as I have been advised so many times by you guys, that's the right thing to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the update:
hope there is another update on this. Glad you are looking to fix the situation and not cancel the wedding.
I'm glad you guys got to talk and established a solution. Hopefully he will be there and support any decisions you guys make when it comes to the wedding and specifically his mother.
Take a deep breath, if you would like to make a list of possible things you want to discuss, ask or communicate. Of course, when it comes to the conversation/intervention with MIL, you could do that to clear your mind and have an idea of what you guys want to tackle.
Maybe this will ease your mind a bit? Either way, hope everything goes well. Be firm, respectful with a side of smarta** if necessary. Don't let her or the situation, put you down...you got this!!! Fighting!!!
There’s barely an update - she spoke to her fiancé and nobody has addressed the MIL or her behaviour. Her fiancé gave her nothing, just your basic ‘I can’t hurt mummy’s feelings but I’ll ’back you up’ if you want to address my mothers behaviour towards my fiancé’ answer. There will be more to come.
Ten days later, the OP returned with another update.
Welp, I’m back with one last update—and trust me, I didn’t see this one coming either. It’s a ride. First, thank you to everyone who supported me through my last post. Reading your comments made me feel so validated, and honestly, it gave me the push I needed. So, here’s what happened after that.
James and I decided it was time to have the dreaded talk with Karen. I wasn’t exactly thrilled, but we both knew we couldn’t keep ignoring it. Spoiler: it went about as well as you’d expect.
We sat her down and explained how her constant digs and “helpful” comments were hurtful and unnecessary. She, of course, denied everything. “I’m just being honest!” “You’re too sensitive!” and my personal favorite: “I’m only trying to help you be a better wife!” . Yeah, she actually said that.
James tried to back me up, but every time he did, she pulled the whole “So you’re choosing her over your own mother?” guilt trip. It was exhausting. After an hour of going in circles, we realized nothing was going to change. Honestly, I've never seen James so irritated in my life.
So, we just… stopped responding. No calls, no texts, nothing. And let me tell you, Karen did NOT take it well. She left endless voicemails, sent passive-aggressive texts, and even showed up at our place once (we didn’t let her in).
God, I've never seen her so pissed off. I'll be honest, I was so happy about how I was actually getting to her. Nothing I said seemed to annoy her as much as not reacting to her did. We expected some fallout, but what happened next? We never saw it coming.
Karen got into a massive argument with another family member.We’re still not 100% clear on what sparked it (something about money, family heirlooms, who knows?), but it escalated fast. And then… the cops got involved.
Yeah. Actual police. From what we’ve pieced together, Karen lost it. We’re talking threats, some property damage, and just… complete chaos. Next thing we knew, there were legal charges being filed. It still doesn’t feel real.
James and I were floored. My parents couldn’t believe it either. My mom kept saying, “We knew she was difficult, but this?” Yeah, same. I still can't believe she did something like this... It seems so different from usual.... I honestly think this is something more than the small issue everyone is making it seem like, because she actually got physical.
With all this going on, the wedding quickly became the least of our worries. After a lot of long talks (and even longer silences, because how do we react to this? ), James and I decided to cancel it. Not because we don’t love each other—we do—but because we need time to process everything, figure out boundaries, and honestly, just breathe.
We’re still together, and we’re starting therapy both individually and as a couple. There’s a lot to unpack, and we both need to heal from all this. So yeah, that’s where we’re at. No wedding (for now), one MIL possibly facing legal trouble, and me finally breathing for the first time in months.
Thank you, Potatoes, for everything. Your advice and support got me through some really rough moments. This is my last update, but I’ll always be grateful for this little corner of the internet.
Later that day, the OP returned with their final update.
Hey Potatoes, I know I said my last post was the final update, but after reading through some of the comments, I just wanted to clarify a couple of things—especially to everyone saying we should just elope.
It’s not really the wedding itself that’s the issue. Even if we eloped, MIL would still be in our lives, and honestly, that’s what worries me the most. This isn’t just about the ceremony being ruined; it’s about having someone this unpredictable around us forever. How do you have a relationship with someone like that? James has to because she's his mom, but why should I suffer through this womans nonsense?
And if I’m being totally honest, I’m a little freaked out right now. After everything that went down, I can’t stop thinking… what if she decides to come after me next? What if it gets physical?
That thought has been living rent-free in my head since all this happened. Especially since, I've never really been a violent person, and honestly this is the first time in my life that someone had totbe escorted by the police.
Right now, James and I are just trying to process everything and figure out what happens next. It’s a lot, and we’re taking it one day at a time, but we’re both still kind of in shock. Therapy is helping, but yeah… we’ve got a long road ahead. Thanks again for all the support. Seriously, you guys have made this whole mess a little morebbearable.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the update:
OP you said something that is a common misconception, especially for non-confrontational people, as you define yourself. “How do you have a relationship with someone like that?
James has too because she’s his mom, but why should I suffer through this woman’s nonsense?” There’s the rub. James owes his toxic mother NOTHING! He does NOT have to allow or enable her nasty ugliness. He can choose to walk away with you.
I hear you! My late Flesh Oven was crazy just like your JNMIL! She DID go after my late Golden Child Brother's first wife which, I think, is what made my late GCB go NO CONTACT with her.
Let's see what happens in therapy. It may well happen that James will realize that he needs to cut off his mother in order to have peace in his own life, not to mention to have YOU in his life. If that happens, feel free to have whatever kind of wedding appeals to you. Best of luck!