'AITA for not helping my injured mom after I found out she cut me out of her will?'
"AITA for ignoring my injured mom after she cut me out of her will?"
Poesbutler writes:
I (50F) am the eldest of divorced parents. My father is happily remarried with more kids, but my mother stayed single and relies on me and my younger brother (45) to help her out in her retirement village regularly.
It's a flight and a rental car to get to her, so it's kind of a pain. What makes it worse is that my younger brother, who is single with no kids, will never go down when she needs something - only when it aligns with his schedule. So he'll go down during his summer vacation and then help with things like moving furniture or taking her car in to be serviced.
However, if it's an emergency of any kind, it's all on me. I'm married with kids in school and have a decent career and a side gig. But all hell breaks loose if I don't go: passive-aggressive texts, relatives pestering, etc. When I ask if anyone else could step in, the answer is always "but you're the one she wants."
How big a deal can this be? This woman is the most accident- and illness-prone human you'll meet. And it's all for real: in the last few years, it's been a head-on car collision, cancer twice, another car accident (t-boned), and pneumonia. She wasn't like this growing up - just since retiring.
So even staying the least amount of days (to the point of having to go back once when the caregiver I found flaked) ... I've burned through PTO, cashed in savings, and left the kids to have milestones without me.
And usually, when I'm with her, she talks on and on about my "golden" brother - see how he hung that new picture when he was here? He's so handy! It's annoying as hell, but I've had a lifetime to get used to it.
Some months ago, I found out by accident that except for some small amounts for my kids, she's leaving everything to my brother. It will be a decent amount ($250,000+). I was so perplexed and admittedly hurt. She refused to talk to me about it (hung up on me and ignored texts), so I was stuck trying to figure out what I did to make her decide to do this.
Eventually, one of her siblings told me that it was to ensure my brother can retire comfortably - he's always worked low-wage jobs. However, he has few expenses because he lives completely free with a wealthy relative who has a large home (that he will also be inheriting).
Recently, she had another accident and called me to help. I got the call from the hospital and then her rehab center because even though my brother is her medical POA, I'm always the name and number she gives out. When I didn't say I'd be coming, she sent texts complaining about how hard it is to not be able to drive or do many things and pushed for my travel plans.
My love for her and care for her was never based on money. She's my mom. But I ended up telling her I couldn't come down. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know she's in pain and struggling.
I know that her siblings and friends are too old and too far to be much help. But in a moment of spite, I told her to get my brother to do it and, of course, she defended him and added that he couldn't - as a guy - help with some things.
My spouse says I'm in the right - that I've prioritized her needs all my life and even if it's because of the will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything. But others, especially family, can't understand why I haven't gone down yet, and I end up feeling so disappointed in myself.
Mom sends me "woe is me" texts about how she will manage without me, even though everything's a struggle (the injuries are legitimately difficult). Now she's sending texts about how she understands I'm too busy and she'll call the youngest of her siblings (67F) if she has to. So, AITA for leaving my injured mom on her own because she cut me out of her will?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Pretzelmama says:
Nope, tell her bluntly to call the kid she's leaving all her money to.
Gnd_flpd says:
Hell she has plenty of money to pay home care if she needs it. OP does not need to take it on anymore.
concretism says:
Your mother refuses to spend her $250,000 on hiring the help she needs. Instead, she has used your savings and PTO to preserve her savings for your brother. I don't think you are mad enough. Spend time with your children and send your mom in-home aide information. NTA.
EnvironmentOk5610 says:
This, exactly this. Mom expects OP to impoverish herself so Mom's money can stay in the bank to be passed to brother. OP is GIVING HER OWN MONEY TO HER BROTHER.
canyonemoon says:
NTA. She's disowned you in her will and you're not her POA. With that amount of money, she can also look into hiring a personal care assistant for herself. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when they're not appreciative of your help and sacrifices.
Focus on yourself and on your family. Quit running to her side. Your brother, the one she loves and rewards, already comes down when he can. I'm sure your spouse will also be very appreciative of you staying home and from now on using your PTO for your nuclear family.
What do you think?