"My mum asked me to watch my siblings for a week. It’s been 9 weeks."

My mum went out two days before Christmas and then text me 12 hours later saying she would be gone for a week and for me to have the kids. She hasn’t come back since. So almost 9 weeks. I have heard from her 3 times total and she is saying she isn’t coming back any time soon, she just keeps sending money.

My siblings are 16, 13, 12, 9, and 7. I’m 19.

I’m surviving looking after the kids by myself and tbh not much has changed because I did most of it when my mum was here anyway. We live with our nan but she doesn’t help with them really either, and my older siblings are long moved out.

I guess my question is, is my mum being gone a serious issue legally and with social services? I don’t want to risk the kids going into care (been there done that when I was younger) so I haven’t told anyone that she’s gone. I’m scared of what will happen if people find out so I don’t want to even ask the question IRL.

The internet was quick to respond.

Expert-Angle-8214 wrote:

You need to report your mother for abandoning her kids, but at the same time tell them you will look after them, your mum need to learn she cant do this to her kids and needs to be brought up on child abandonment charges

OP responded:

I would do that if it was guaranteed i could keep them but I don't know if that's even possible or at all likely with so many of them and we aren't rich. Maybe 1 or 2 kids they would say ok but 5 just seems unlikely they would let me keep them

hmdmdm wrote:

Is there any other trusted adult in your family? Aunt, uncle, cousin, something? Maybe they could come help you keep your family together?

OP responded:

We have some aunts and uncles but none we are close to or who seem like they care. I could try that route I guess. My older siblings are most likely to give a sh*t and even they aren’t being very helpful.

campremembersh*t wrote:

Why do you think your life prospects aren’t good? You’re 19, you have your whole life ahead of you. This is really unfair of your mom to put on you. I totally get not wanting your siblings to go into the system but you need to think about setting yourself up to be in a position where you could take care of them if that’s your goal.

The youngest is 7, you’re looking a long road of caregiving if you go this route and you need to be able to support yourself and them if that’s your goal.

OP responded:

I didnt do great in school, we don’t have much money, live in a sh**ty area, I can tick most of the boxes for things that set you back in life. I work now and make a decent wage but I just can’t imagine being able to enjoy that if I abandoned my family. I have thought about it a lot and I used to wish I could just go and live my own life but reality is I would have no one and nothing to live for.

flowerodell wrote:

Where TF did she go? Is she in trouble? On dr*gs? Even if she comes back, this sounds super shady and maybe she shouldn’t be caring for them. You need to call someone.

OP responded:

She’s done it before. Usually she goes to the same city but I have no idea what she does when she’s there. She tells everyone she’s looking for our dad but that’s BS. Far as I know she doesnt do dr*gs but she has had issues with alcohol. She’s sh*t in the mum department but she doesnt care for them even when she is here, I do.

AnonymousWhiteGirl wrote:

File emergency guardianship. You're an adult so I don't see the law removing them if under your legal care. Not sure.

Where are your older siblings?? Do they know what's going on?

OP responded:

They moved out at 18 and we very rarely see them. I have told them she’s gone but they don’t think its a big deal as she has done it before.

OP jumped on with another comment laying out some facts.

I don't have poa or know how I can even get that. I assume it would come with legal guardianship.

I think she does but I dont really know the details or how much. She goes through phases of talking about that stuff but she also lies a lot. She claimed she gets nothing from the government, but she also claimed she got thousands from our dad which is impossible bc he is the definition of a “train wreck.”

I don’t know when he has even had a job. As in if they got hurt in my care? We don’t have access to that kind of thing as far as I know. We live in a small rural town with minimal access to a lot of services like that. I'm trying to find out but not having much luck.

I can make $4k-5k a month depending on what shifts I am able to do. Lately I can only work 30 hrs a week when the kids are in school so cant earn as much but my mum has sent money and my nan covers most bills so i dont have a huge amount of expenses. Food for 5 kids is a lot but I’m doing ok so far and can save a small amount.

Food/clothes should be fine, I mainly worry about birthdays and other big expenses like that but thats why I'm trying to save as much as possible for those times No idea where my dad is. We havent seen or heard from him for around 5 years. There were some serious abuse allegations from my older siblings and he hasn’t been seen since. Before that he would come and go.

The age gaps between the siblings are the times he disappeared. He would vanish for sometimes years, then reappear and they’d have a couple more kids I want to keep them here with us. So really just need advice on how to go about that. Letting them go into care would k*ll me so its not really the advice im looking for, but i do understand why everyone is saying that.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I spoke to my mum on the phone and told her I want her to give me custody of the kids since she is refusing to come back or say when she will be back and I’m done with her BS. We argued for like an hour but in the end she said she would do it after i told her I was going to call the police on her.

Before speaking to her I spoke to a lawyer and i should be able to get legal guardianship through a parenting order which will go through court. My 22-year-old brother said he will move home and help me under the condition that my mum doesnt move back as he refuses to be around her.

His income and input will help a lot and he seems serious about wanting to be involved with parenting and taking care of the kids especially our little brother as he needs a male role model badly. If we cant get custody then my nan should be able to. Either way my mum is very unlikely to keep custody unless she suddenly decides she gives a shit (I would bet my life she will never give a flying f*ck).

Getting legal custody is the outcome i want so I’m relieved it seems like a real possibility. Now I’m just trying doing a total overhaul of everything with the kids because I think they need a lot more structure, discipline, rules, routine than they have had until now.

I have realised I don't really know anything about good parenting so I have a lot to learn. Maybe I will get some books. Until now our house has been more like a house share with everyone doing what they want and running around feral rather than anyone really guiding the kids.

I grew up even more feral and I dont think it's a good way to be raised. So I’m starting a bath and bedtime routine for the youngest two, and a curfew for the teenagers. Because rn the 12 year old goes off on his skateboard and will just show up again at like 10pm on a school night.

I’ve also been giving them much better food than they usually have and its been rough to get them to eat healthy but we have made so much progress already. Any advice on instilling rules would be welcome as I dont think it will be easy and I have never had any kind of actual parent role model in my life.

People had a lot of comments and questions.

VeganMonkey wrote:

In another post you mention your dad, where is he? He should step up.

OP responded:

he disappeared 5 years ago after my older siblings started talking openly about how he abused them. We havent seen or heard from him since. He used to vanish for years at a time and come back when he was bored or whatever and my mum would try to keep him around with new babies. but I dont think he will be back again.

Tess27795 wrote:

I am so sorry you have the mother you have. There is no excuse. I give you full credit for what you are doing. I do not know where you live but I thought you might want to know if you are in the US there may be financial help.

Please look for any government assistance you can get.

Do not let that 12 year old run free. Make sure he is in at decent time. 8 pm on school nights is good. The later he is out the more likely he is going to run into older teens and trouble. Make sure he showers and wears clean clothes.

Get his older brother to talk to him. He should have some chores and he must get his homework done. Tell him he cannot go out after school or supper until his homework is done. If his older brother comes home, talk with him. If you present it a united front, it is better. Children always look for the weak link.

OP responded:

Thank you. We are in Australia but will see if theres anything we can get to help as with 5 kids it is kind of tight. We are good for the essentials but I can't get them much that they want or do fun things that cost money. But are lucky to have the beach. I'm trying to make him see that me telling him he needs to be home at an earlier time is not me being dramatic.

I took his skateboard today bc he was about to go off as usual after telling me to leave him alone. Hoping that will make him take me seriously or my older brother might have to step in The united front is what im most worried about. Doing it alone I know I can be consistent but I havent really seen my brother for like 4 years so idk what he will be like.

On the phone he seems pretty serious about everything and hopefully he will back me up. I really think they will need us to be kind of strict especially in the beginning since we will be changing a lot of things around here.

He will be here at the weekend so I’ll see if I think we can actually work together. The younger kids wont remember him tbh so idk if it will be good to take it slow or maybe better just go all in from day one.

TotalIndependence881 wrote:

You’re probably off to a great start already as a parent to your siblings! Rewards over punishments to start with! Bedtimes, wake up times, school attendance and good grades (at least better than yesterday grades), and after school time expectations (go home, ask permission to leave, curfew, always home at supper time, chores before fun, homework, etc Whatever works for your family).

Reward the crap out of positive behavior!

Then move to punishments. Think of “natural consequences”, which is punishments that teach a lesson about what was done.

Missing assignments at school? Cleaning the house isn’t natural. But losing privileges like playtime, going to friends, screen use is natural, because if you get behind at work you need to take your free time to catch up. So if they play too much that they get behind at school (their job), then they need to take play time to catch up.

Also think of punishments of “away from things” but also punishments that are “together with me”. For example, kids act out because they are missing connection sometimes. So if you think the kid would benefit from a connection punishment, do that instead of a “away from me” punishment.

An “away from me” punishment could be a time out, alone in room, chores alone, taking away a toy/screen. A “together with me” could be “come do the dishes with me”, cleaning up together, homework together, running errands together, things that are not “fun/play” but are doing helpful things together giving the opportunity to connect in the process.

OP responded:

Thank you so much, this advice is exactly the kind of thing I need. For me discipline has just been shouting hitting and being sent to your room until whoever wasnt pissed at you anymore. I want it to be healthier and just better for the kids. So thanks ❤️

OP posted a comment in response to generalized suggestions she get the kids therapy.

We can't afford therapy and dont have any access to it where we live. Even if we had the money I’m pretty sure it would be a 3hr round trip to the nearest one. X5 would be impossible. I will defo try to make sure to give them choices and listen to them as much as possible.

I already approach things differently with them as their personalities are so different. Some need me to be a lot more authoritative to even have a chance of them taking me serious. One cries if she even suspects i’m mad at her. Its a lot to learn but i’m willing to give it everything ive got and hope that will be enough.

After receiving lots of support, OP posted another update in the comments.

Thank you so much for all the helpful comments here and messages offering help/advice (i will reply to them all when I can). Rn I’m putting all my energy into the new routine and trying to sort out legal guardianship so we can get money for the kids etc.

Everything else is a problem for later on when we are more settled. My older brother came up last weekend and tbh it was nice but weird bc the younger kids dont even remember him and they pretty much clung to me for the entire time bc having a man in the house is strange for them.

But after he left they said they miss him and liked having him here. He’s been sorting his s**t out this week and is coming back tomorrow with all his stuff and will be working remote from our house. Me and him have spoken a lot and i think we will be able to get on the same page with the kids and make it work. I’m worried about some things with parenting differences but we will figure it out.

I’m trying not to seem controlling but its hard to adjust to someone else being very involved when I have been looking after them by myself. I know I need him though. My nan was actively trying to undermine me and we had an argument, then my brother got here and he had an argument with her in the first half hour. So she has gone to my aunts for a while.

She is still paying the bills here but if she stops we will be ok with my brothers money and mine. My brother wants to take the kids and move house but I am not even thinking about that until everything else is sorted out. Now that things are actually changing our older sisters are more interested and have been messaging me so they might help as well.

The kids are not taking the new routine too well but we are making progress so I’m trying to stick with it. I made a meal plan and have stuck to that all week. My 9-year-old sister told me she likes rules which makes it feel worth it. The teenagers are kind of a nightmare but Im trying to persevere with them.

13-year-old was being horrific and I lost my s**t which made her have an emotional breakdown and now she’s been a lot better. 12 year old has taken it ok ish he just tells me I’m a loser all the time and asks for his skateboard back a million times a day but I know he knows where it is so he is being pretty good considering he could just take it back if he really wanted. 16-year-old is hell.

7-year-old has like three tantrums a day and wont eat or sleep so she stresses me out probably the most. My mum hasnt called anymore but is complying with giving us custody and told her friend it's the best thing thats ever happened to her. I cba with her and if she tries to come back I will do everything i can to keep her away from the kids.

Two weeks later, OP jumped on with another update.

Hi! Not sure if doing multiple updates is ok but I have had a lot of messages since the BORU post and think it will be easier to update people who are interested like this as replying to all is hard.

Thanks to advice here we have realised that getting kinship is a better choice for us financially than getting legal guardianship. This wasnt mentioned to us by the lawyer or social services so i’m so grateful for everyone here as we will have so much less financial stress on kinship and we will get access to a lot more services for the kids

Things are already seeming so much less scary. My brother has come home to help me and is working remotely for his same job which is ideal. He has been amazing at making it all happen so fast and packing up his life to move back. He is still back and forth at the moment but should be here full time besides a few days a month where he has to be there in person.

Our oldest sister has said she will send some money every month to help us but doesnt want to be involved other than that. I understand why and am very grateful she is helping. Honestly it hurts a bit that she refuses to talk about the kids or anything but she is doing what she can handle rn I guess.

Our other sister is working fifo right now and has suggested coming back on her weeks off to help out but I’m not sure if that will actually happen or work well in reality. My brother doesnt get along with her very well and says he doesn't think living with her again will work The kids are still struggling with the new rules and we have had some issues.

16-year-old hates me so my brother is trying to take over with her bc I am bored of fighting with her The others are doing better but still so difficult. 7-year-old wont sleep which is the hardest thing right now bc then I can't sleep and I’m tired af. She has meltdowns when shes tired and shes always tired now so shes always having meltdowns. Idk what to do with her.

Everything U try to make her sleep doesnt work that well. She says she doesn't know why she “cant” (wont) sleep so idk where to even start. My brother tried to get her to bed and she just cried and screamed for me. 12-year-old is listening to our brother which is the best thing to ever happen because I was really worried about handling him since he listens to me NEVER.

13 and 9 year old are easier and not stressing me out too much. So we are kind of divide and conquer now. My brother handles 2 and I handle the other 3. I have found out I am very protective of the younger ones and find it very difficult to let my brother discipline them so it causes less problems between us if i deal with them.

Still early days and hoping consistency will fix a lot of the smaller issues. Long term we want to rent somewhere bigger as our nans house is very cramped and making things harder This is long and messy, sorry!! Just wanted to update everyone who has asked and thank everyone again for the advice.

The internet was super supportive in the comments.

LesbianSansa wrote:

Glad to hear your brother is helping out! Especially with the teenage siblings, it's hard for them to see you as an authority figure unfortunately as you're not that much older and it SHOULDN'T be on you to deal with this. Having two people be a united front for them will be hugely helpful in establishing boundaries.

Sounds like the 7 year old might be dealing with anxiety. Kids are not great at identifying their own emotions. She's running from sleep because she doesn't feel safe to lie down and drop her guard. Strongly recommend getting them checked out by the GP if you can, mention the trauma background. I know it's hard to find bulk-billing GPs at the moment though.

Divide and conquer is the right strategy! As is consistency as you mentioned. I would STRONGLY recommend communicating the current home situation to the kids' schools, they may be able to hook you guys up with more social services and if nothing else it will be helpful for teachers to be aware of the situation in dealing with behavioural issues. (But I am a teacher so that's my bias lol.)

OP responded:

Yeah I think him being that bit older and the fact they havent seen him for years has made him automatically more of an authority figure to the teenagers. The younger ones are a bit unsure of him still and I think they will adjust to him better if he isn't being the strict one straight off.

It's hard to find the balance with the different approaches for each kid. But 16 year old went to a party last night and was texting me arguing about the pre set pick up time we gave her, so my brother went to get her and she actually got in the car. If I had gone she would have 100% told me to f#$k off.

Yeah she refuses to lay down and just hates her bed. Only way I can get her to sleep is by laying in her bed with her until I’m sure she’s in a deep sleep. And thats after hours of her physically fighting me, crying, etc Trying to get them to the GP is a huge struggle time wise and money wise. Will get them in asap but probably wont be that soon.

Also dont have a car big enough for everyone so would have to go in separate trips as well. The teachers are aware of the situation. They know my mum is a pos and i have been doing parents night etc for the kids for literal years. I told them she is “away” and I am going for custody

Lamenardo wrote:

7 might be having bad dreams, or maybe she feels being awake is the only time she has any control over her life - did your egg doner leave during the night maybe? Either way insomnia is a b#$ch, and I sympathize with you both. Will she quietly draw or watch videos during the night while you sleep? Does she have a nightlife and white noise?

OP responded:

Yeah, 7 year old woke up on Christmas eve to our mum being gone. Tbh she seemed kind of unphased about it bc she is not even remotely close to my mum. She slept in my room from like 4 months old. But it obviously has affected her. I think she is probably worried I will leave so she’s trying to stay awake to make sure I’m still there.

I tell her all the time I’m not going anywhere etc but she just freaks out about bedtime every single evening. Even if I keep her in the living room with me and hope she will fall asleep without any pressure she stays awake way too late considering she has school in the morning.

And she still cries and says she just wants it to be morning already The 4 kids are all in the same room and there is a nightlight in there but 13 year old turns it off because she says she cant sleep with any light. 7 year old has never said she needs a light tbf. She slept fine in the dark before all this.

Fatigue-Error wrote:

OP is an angel just for trying. And the brother is a hero for coming back to help out. I hope the kids realize what these two are doing for them, and are grateful some day.

That mom and the dad, they can rot in hell.

41flavorsandthensome wrote:

I also have sympathy for the older sister who doesn’t want to come back. When OP mentioned her oldest siblings were out, I thought, “Ah. They escaped, and were probably once stuck the way OP is.”

It’s a messed up situation all around, and yes: the parents suck.

Weeks later, OP shared another update.

Back with another update for those who asked! Can't believe it's been over 3 months now. We applied for kinship and have had the provisional approval and the home inspection and some interviews. We’ve got a couple more things to do/still ongoing and then we should be good!

We got our first payment which has been SO GOOD and really made me feel much more optimistic about everything bc we will be able to actually do something other than just survive. The case worker pretty much told me they don't want to have to find placements for this many kids so us keeping them is their much preferred option which is reassuring.

My mum hasn't contacted me for a while. We thought she might show up on Easter bc holidays are usually her time to cry about how much she misses our dad, and she usually prefers to ruin everyone's day with that. But she didn't come thank god. Our nan is still at our aunties bc she cant stand to be around us apparently.

Bc me trying to feed them good food and not let a 7-year-old disappear for hours on bicycles with kids 3+ years old than her is just me thinking im better than my nan!!! A lot of people said to try to co-sleep with the 7-year-old so I have started doing that. It’s helping a bit and she actually will lay down so that's a win but she still cries a lot and tries to get up.

She also does a death grip on me so I have kind of accepted that I have to go to bed when she does. It's not the worst thing ever because I have been looking things up and reading online whilst I lay with her when she eventually calms down. I’ve ordered melatonin to try. I share a room with 16-year-old and she doesn't want 7-year-old in there but its kind of tough.

I can't do anything about it until we can move house which isn't going to be soon. It's not the most peaceful night with her in there bc she kicks me and wakes up at random times trying to chat or crying but we are getting some sleep.

She slept in my single bed with me from four months old until she was like two (I clearly knew nothing about safe sleep but my mum had sold the crib to try to annoy my dad so she actually had no where else to sleep) and I haven't told her that bc I don't want to tell her her mum didn't care that she didn't have a bed, but she seems to remember bc she said “we used to have sleepovers in your bed a lot didn't we”🥺

Also I got 16-year-old earplugs and told her she can sleep in 7-year-olds bed in the other room if she prefers. I do my best to try to soothe 7-year-old in general. She had one of her crying breakdowns last week and said she didn't feel safe or happy. Then she said she wishes I was her real mummy. I told her I am her real mummy bc I’ve looked after her her whole life and I won’t ever leave her.

She seems a bit happier since then. I'm going to get a photo of us for her to have in her little purse she carries everywhere. She’s pretty sentimental so she will like that. Yesterday she asked me if me and our brother are married lol obviously I said no and she said “I just feel like you are my mum and dad”. I hope that's a good thing even if it is a little weird. She is definitely bonding with him too.

She always wants me to carry her around and when I say no bc I’m busy, he offers to do it and she lets him now. She used to ignore him. Seeing her snuggle into his neck and actually relax is the cutest thing. Makes my heart happy bc I remember wishing I had a dad who would hold me and I’m so glad she is getting all the love❤️❤️❤️

Me and my brother have had a few disagreements over discipline. He is pretty strict and usually that's a good thing bc they need it tbh but sometimes I find it a bit much. Biggest disagreement was when he smacked 9yr old and I lost my shit. We grew up with a lot lot worse and ngl I have smacked them before but I don't want to be doing that anymore.

Bro thinks there’s nothing wrong with 1 smack on the bum. I would just rather we don't go there. He said he wont do it again and I don't think he will. He wasn’t angry when he did it so I'm not really concerned about it and he apologised to 9-year-old. We’re just still trying to figure out discipline. Our dad used an electric cord as a whip so one smack on the bum is practically gentle parenting to us.

I have read enough to know we don't want to be doing any physical disciplining though Worst thing I've had to do is give the youngest two suppositories. My sister gave me money to take them to the GP bc I was worried about them and couldn't find any for free and didn't want to wait for kinship. Turns out they are both malnourished underweight and constipated AF. And they’ve missed some vaccines.

For the constipation we tried medicine and more fiber and more water but no bueno so it had to be the suppositories bc the doctor said it was verging on severe. I tried to explain it to them and make the whole thing easy but it turned into quite the drama. 9-year-old was easier but still took me a while.

7-year-old was impossible and everyone got too stressed on day 1 so we left it and she was still not complying on day 2 so my brother had to get involved and pretty much had to hold her down. Bc I called the doctor and she said either we do it or I take her in and they do it. We had no choice really and i still feel horrible about it. I’m obsessed with what they’re eating now bc I don't want anyone going through that.

But I will say they are a lot lot better since. They aren't getting tummy aches and they aren't so grouchy. And it has helped 7-year-old with her sleep for sure. We are getting the other 3 to the doctor next week. We will do telehealth after but i want them to see someone in person for the first appointment. After that the next thing on the list is dentist.

We have looked at therapy and should be getting telehealth sessions soon. So far all 3 teenagers have said they aren't doing therapy but I will try to make them at least try it. 16-year-old is still difficult. She took my ID and she was going out whenever she liked. But my brother grounded her and she has actually listened and not tried to sneak out. The other three are doing okay.

No big issues with them TBH they are adapting pretty well I think. I try to talk to them all about everything when I can and they all seem to understand whats going on and trust that we wont be going anywhere and we just need them to cooperate with us so we can get through. My little brother J(12) is obsessed with older bro.

I used to have an issue with J going out every evening for hours and was so stressed about trying to keep him home and safe but Matt being here has basically eliminated the issue. J just wants to be around him all the time and Matt has somehow got this kid thinking doing homework with him is the BEST thing ever. Sorry this is so long again!

Idk how long I will keep doing these updates but for now everyone is so incredibly helpful that i will carry on posting bc I always need more advice. The advice and support from everyone in the comments and pm has been amazing and has actually helped change our day to day life for the better so thank you sm internet strangers ❤️

The supportive comments kept coming in.

littleb1988 wrote:

You already know this but have the social worker help you get the 7yo and 16yo into therapy. ASAP. All of you if you can. But them NOW. 7yo is forming attachments and associations that will cause more harm in the future if not addressed now.

OP responded:

I’ve asked about it and the only in person one is literally impossible for us to get to. So telehealth is the only option and we are going to start that soon but idk how I’m going to get a 7yr old to engage in therapy over the phone or online. She doesn't have the attention span for that. And 16yr old has flat out said she isn't going to do it. I could probably use some leverage to make her do it but idk if that's a good idea.

Azile96 wrote:

You and your brother are doing an incredible job. You were forced into this position because your adult parent couldn't parent and had seemingly failed at being an adult as well. You have taken on a huge responsibility! It does seem like your 7-year-old especially is dealing with some abandonment issues.

I imagine every sibling is dealing with some of that in one way or another. You are providing a good safe space for them. Family and/or trauma therapy would be good. Having teenagers myself, I can understand how frustrating it is to get them therapy because most teenagers don't think they need it and will push back.

You can get guidance from a therapist on how to deal with certain issues you are facing, so that can at least help those reluctant in your family in some manner. Indirect help is better than no help. Just remember you are doing something that most parents struggle with with even fewer kids to watch after. Give yourself and your brother some grace and just keeping up the good work.

OP responded:

Yeah tbh I’m still shocked how hard she is taking it bc it's not the first time and she literally has never been close to my mum even remotely. Last year my mum told her she loved her (only bc we were in public) and L turned around and told her she doesn't love her, she only loves me. The others I think are more used to our mum maybe. But yeah everyone needs therapy I guess.

All the teenagers are saying they will not do therapy. 12-year-old we could easily force but not sure about the girls. But yeah even if I can speak to someone and find out how to help them then that will be good. It's just a lot dealing with all the mental stuff when the physical and day to day issues are taking up literally all my brain space as it is.

TReid1996 wrote:

This randomly popped up on my feed so I had to go back and read the other posts. It's awesome how great of a sister you are and how great your older brother it. Glad to see things are starting to look up. Reading the whole thing reminds me of the show called the Loud House. Hope things continue to go up. Sorry you have terrible parents.

OP responded:

Thank you sm! Lol people always tell me various shows we remind them of and I have never seen any of them. Probably for the best.

Bleacherblonde wrote:

You are doing an amazing job- and their lives are already so much better. You and your brother really stepped it up, and that is so admirable. Just keep doing what you're doing. I know it may not mean much but this internet stranger is so damn proud of you. You've gone through so much, much more than anyone should have to go through.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

My previous posts explain everything but short version is: our mum left right before Christmas and I'm now looking after my 5 younger siblings. 16-year-old has been a pain in the a$$ the whole time. So unhelpful, permanently grumpy and arguing about everything and winding up the younger ones just to be annoying.

Basically making my life harder every chance she gets. She got her phone confiscated today bc she was videoing our little sister having an emotional meltdown and laughing at her. Later on whilst I was putting the phone away I saw a message from our mum pop up saying some horrible s**t.

My mum hasn't messaged me in weeks and 16-year-old hasn't mentioned messaging her at all so I was like wtf. Took me a few attempts to get into her phone but i got in and saw sooo many messages. Mostly her begging our mum to come home and our mum either ignoring her or telling her to come to the city she's in right now.

16-year-old sent her so many messages saying our younger siblings need her and our mum replied saying I think I know how to raise them better so she is leaving me to it since I don't want her here. Most recent one was 16-year-old asking why she doesn't care about us and our mum basically saying she has better things to do than sit here and listen to us all tell her everything she is doing wrong all the time

I knew she was having a hard time but reading her messages to our mum has broken me and i just want to stop her hurting so much💔💔💔

She basically hates me right now so comforting her is very hard bc she will not open up even a bit and whenever i speak to her about it she acts like she doesn't care.

Idk what to do or say to her😭 Meanwhile my older sister just calls me periodically to tell me she wishes she could help but she cant bc of a list of reasons including but not limited to her not being able to face being around our youngest sister bc our parents said she was her replacement and older sis cant get over it.

Which is like, okay, but baby sis just turned 7 and big sis is almost 25… so at some point she needs to try get past that and realize its not the little ones fault. Big sis is struggling bc she feels like I'm her kid and she wanted me to come live with her when I was younger but I ‘chose’ to stay here and ‘let my mum get away with not parenting’. The alternative is my siblings being neglected and ab*sed like us.

Anyway FR I don't have time to be dealing with her emotional issues on top of everyone elses. And she’s whining to me like oh I had to take time off work bc i’m having a hard time mentally. Which makes me feel soooo great when I am working my a$$ off to feed 5 kids and dealing with a million behavioural issues a day and don't have time to do anything.

Before everyone starts shouting “therapy”…yeah it's in the works. Trying to get telehealth arranged but it's taking forever. We can't afford anything else so that's the best we have for now. Until then its good old fashioned just get on with it and try not to f#$k the kids up anymore than they are already.

The internet had OP's back.

MasonJettericks wrote:

I'm sorry that every adult in your family is so f#$king useless. I can't do much for you, but you don't deserve any of this.

OP responded:

Thanks. I’m trying to be the adult that isn't such a f#$king mess but its rough and lonely. My brother is a godsend idk if I would survive this without him. When he isn't there I feel like it's me vs everyone else.

Alarmed_Ad4367 wrote:

How old are you?? Why have your parents left you in charge? I’m so sorry, this sounds awful.

OP responded:

I’ll be 20 soon. My dad left five years ago bc of my older siblings telling everyone he ab*sed them. My mum left bc she can't handle the responsibility and would rather act like a young and free teenager with her dodgy friends.

ellejaypea wrote:

I remember reading your earlier posts. You may not feel it right now but you are genuinely amazing. You stepped up massively at an age when a lot of others wouldn't have taken on the responsibility of so many kids.

Teenagers are always going to be difficult, combine the hormones with everything you guys have been through and it's not a good mix. She would probably benefit from therapy, but the difficulty is getting her to engage. Is there any help available through her school? Like a counselor maybe?

msmae11 wrote:

I’ve sent you a PM. I’ll happily cover the cost of therapy for you and your siblings. Please check your messages 💜

Five weeks later, OP shared another update.

Another update because my inbox is still flooded and I cant reply to everyone so just going to say it all here for you guys and anyone else who wants to know. Been like 5 months now...jfc.

Firstly thank u for all the nice messages and offers of help and stuff. I really do appreciate it and sorry if i havent replied but i have had literally 100s of messages and its kind of overwhelming for me. I have read most of them and am still trying to reply to more but its a big job. Currently things are going okay. Big things that have happened/are happening.

My older sister (the second oldest) is coming to visit soon. The relationship between her and my older brother is kind of strained bc of some s**t that happened when they were younger and the 3 older ones all lived together for a bit after leaving home. Honestly I think it was just a shit show having 3 damaged teenagers living together in a new place with no support.

I don't have time to be the mediator though so just told them if they cant get along then my sister will need to leave bc the kids dont need any more drama and my brother needs to focus on being a parent. She’s coming bc she wants to, and she said she wont cause any drama she just wants to help. We’ll see how it goes anyway but I'm low-key dreading it.

Last time I saw this sister was years ago though so I’m trying to not think she’s going to be the same as she was when she was a teenager. We have started planning to move to WA. My brother is desperate to get out of our town and not have to worry about our parents showing up (he gets a lot of anxiety about it, he doesn't like me being at home without him being here).

His job will help him move over there and he has been set on it for a while now. We will be able to transfer over there even with the kids being on kinship care which is basically the only thing i was worried about. But that's confirmed we will be fine to do it so now i’m on board with it.

Won't be any time soon but hopefully end of the year we can move. Financially we are doing pretty good. We have the kinship money, mine and my brothers wages and my older sisters have been sending money consistently. My brother is good with money and we are able to save some. I was able to buy the kids a small present each to cheer them up on mothers day.

They have like barely any toys so the little ones are psyched to have some things to play with and have been being feral outdoors way less this week. They have been playing lego and barbies like normal children. 7yr old sleeps so good when I give her melatonin. I dont do it every night but when I do its like a mini holiday.

She sometimes wakes up mad but I can deal with that when I have actually slept. Other nights when she doesn’t have it I either keep her downstairs and hope she will fall asleep on me or my brother whilst watching TV, or I go through the emotional bedtime routine of her crying and saying she doesn’t want to go to bed whilst I read the same 3 stories until she chills out.

She is doing better at school again now. It was pretty bad for a while (obviously bc she was permanently exhausted and surviving on literal air only bc the kid wouldn't sleep or eat).

Right now 9 and 13yr olds are doing the telehealth therapy sessions. 7yr old won’t speak to the therapist so she’s having indirect help through me. 12yr old hates it so my brother is trying to learn techniques to do with him to help him.

16yr old refuses which I was expecting anyway. Tried to force her to do it and that didn't go well. So again I just try to give her indirect help. I had some 1-1 time with her recently and she was different in a good way. She lets her guard down when the younger kids arent there. Like she can be vulnerable or whatever.

She said “thank you for looking after us” to me on MD. Haven't seen any more messages on 16yr olds phone from our mum, she has completely stopped messaging any of us. The last thing she said to me was she doesn't know why I’m turning her kids against her.

Kinda hilarious tbh but just proves she is deep in delulu land.

On Mothers Day, 7-year-old went outside 4 times before 8am to “make sure mum isn't coming down the road” and she has been crying about our dad, not sure why exactly, when I ask she just says she's worried about him.

9yr old gets annoyed with her and tells her to stop crying because our dad is a bad person. She is also very defensive of me and my brother and tries to police all the other kids and tells them to behave and be nice to us and don't argue/backchat/misbehave.

I think she’s concerned we will get fed up and leave. Ofc I reassure her we wont and she doesn't need to tell the others off. Its kinda funny anyway tbh because she is no angel herself Their diet is a lot better. We still have issues every meal of every day but overall its better and they are doing well with trying to eat new things. Years of ramen and chicken nuggets has obviously been horrible for our bodies.

But they all have at least 1 fruit or veg a day and have real dinners. They like pasta bake so thats the new ramen around here. My brother cooks curry and tries to get them to eat it but that doesn't go down so well. They like when he makes chicken and potatoes. 7-year-old likes Bluey pouches of vanilla custard and would eat those for every meal if I let her.

My oldest sister is still a pain in the a$$ and wants to talk about our trauma all the time. She just has more time to dwell than I do. I have no time to dwell. I asked her to please not message me unless its positive or helpful. Her reply showed she really is just jealous that i am giving all my time and energy to the kids but I really don't have it in me to look after an adults emotional needs as well.

She sees me as her kid and she wants to see me but doesnt want to see the younger ones. Like she asked me to come visit and leave them with my brother for a few days. I'm not going to leave insecure kids who are permanently stressed that I will leave for good. Imagine how stressed they would be the whole time. She also thinks i am babying them. But I'm just treating them like children.

Mostly it's just annoying that she is like this but it's also partly upsetting because tbh there is nothing I would love more than for her to meet and love 7-year-old. For me it would be like my ‘mum’ meeting my child. Because my oldest sister raised me when I was really young and 7-year-old is the only one of the kids I have fully raised since she was a tiny baby and my mum told me she didn't want her.

Anywayyyy I am trying not to get to caught up in everything with my older sister because I have enough going on with all the kids. My grandma is still at my aunt's house and very unhelpful. But she's not bothering me much so that's ideal. She mentioned wanting my cousin to move in here because he got kicked out by his girlfriend and has nowhere to live.

But f#$k that fr. He’s a creep and a dr#g add**t so no way is that happening. over my dead body Okkkk this has taken me like 3 days to finish writing and I have probably forgotten some stuff but really just wanted to say thanks for the support and I'm not ignoring my messages I just am busy and overwhelmed.

The internet continued to offer support.

CultureNovel6746 wrote:

You are an inspiration; it would have been so easy, in one sense, to walk away and live your own life away from all this. That you love your siblings enough to pour so much into them even when they're being difficult or horrible to you tells us a great deal about who you are.

It looks like one-on-one time, when you can afford to do it, is best with 16yr old. It would give her an opportunity to bond a bit with you as something other than an authority figure. Is there anywhere your older sister could stay nearby when she visits? An old friend of hers or a current friend of yours?

You are both apprehensive about this visit, she clearly cares about you and probably still sees you as the young person you were when she left. Some space might make it a bit easier and less likely to end in drama. There's a community out here who cares for and about you; reach out if you need help. All the best.

OP responded:

Thank u!! The sister thats coming to visit isn't my oldest sister, she's not the one causing all the drama. That one won't come visit because she cant be around the kids apparently. It’s the second oldest thats coming. There's not really anywhere else she can stay. We will see how it goes but i’m going to be really blunt with her about how things need to be and her and my brother need to forget their issues.

PowerTrippingGentry wrote:

Thank you for taking the time out of your incredibly busy new life to update us. Sounds like your making all the right moves with your older brother with these kids. Keep up the good work and we are all here to lend an ear whenever you need.

F#$k yo grandma too she should of absolutely stepped up instead of putting it all on her 19 year old grandaughter. You got the right instincts keep that cousin far away from yall and call the cops if he ever shows up. Whenever yall move see what can be done about moving close to a larger therapy center.

Ollieastic wrote:

You've got a great head on your shoulders and you're doing a great job with your siblings. It sounds like everyone is taking good steps forward--it sounds like you're all getting more sleep and new food and even some more chill moments, especially with the new toys.

When you make the move to WA, you may want to see if you have a buy nothing group in your area (there may also be one in your current area). I tend to see a lot of kids toys on mine (you can also make a post and see if anyone has kids toys that they'd like to get rid of), which your siblings may like.

Seriously though, you're doing great. I hope that you're able to take a little bit of time for yourself to get some alone time in, or read a book, or whatever it is that makes you happy. And that your sister who will be visiting helps makes things easier and not harder.

Foxy_Traine wrote:

Whenever you have the time to take a breath, you could benefit from some reading. "Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski could be super helpful for you to read as you manage all the stress in your life. Best of luck to all of you! ❤️

A few weeks later, OP shared another major update.

My sister. It’s the second oldest here visiting, she’s 23. She is here rn and has been here now for a few days. When she first got here I arranged with her to arrive in the evening after the younger kids go to bed bc i thought it would be a bit much and knew she would be emotional.

She was shaking when she arrived so defo the right call bc the little kids would have been freaked out. The first evening I was like hellll this is not gonna be good bc she was a serious wreck and wasn't sure she could stay. But then she slept on it and woke up way better and wasn't too emotional except at ‘meeting’ the younger ones since she hasn't seen them in so many years.

Since then things have been good. Honestly it has been better than I thought and I feel kind of bad for dreading it so much. She is obviously different from her teenage self. She’s never been really maternal or anything and in my head that was a bad thing but it’s actually good bc she’s hanging out with the kids as a sister not a third parent figure.

16yr old is very similar in personality to her so she has enjoyed having her here and having an adult to talk to who isn't Me or Matt. 13yr old is clingy af recently and having my sister here means she has clung to her instead of me all the time. 12yr old is not impressed about having another girl in the house and says she stinks (of perfume yeah).

9yr old wants to know why she’s here and when she’s leaving and if she’s going to visit again but when she isn't worrying she is having fun getting my sister to do different hairstyles for her. And 7yr old only has eyes for me and is totally psyched when all the others are hanging out with big sis so she can have me to herself.

She did ask my sister to let her out of timeout and was best buddies with her for 10 minutes until she got over being annoyed with me 😂 I have got some time with my sister alone which has been nice to properly speak to her and get her opinion on some stuff and have her clear up things that happened with my dad.

She defo has a lot of issues still but she is doing good for herself and pretty happy and isn't spiraling like our oldest sister. She pretty much said oldest sis has a lot of guilt issues for leaving and was expecting me to move in with her at 16 so is struggling a lot that I didn't and doesn't get how I was able to stay when she couldn't.

Pretty sad hearing it tbh and I will defo talk to my oldest sister again and try help her but I don't want to get sucked in to being her therapist. Matt has got along with her fine too but they aren't besties but they seem like they have put their issues aside and can handle being around each other which they defo couldnt do a couple years back.

Idk why exactly but seems like Matt and oldest sis had guilt issues and my other sister didn't (she has always been self centered but tbh it seems like that might be a good thing for her sake) and they had a lot of arguments about what they should and shouldn't be doing when they left.

I think essentially middle sis was having too much fun and enjoying her life too much for the other two to handle bc they didn't think she gave a s-t about the rest of us. Which she probably didn't but that's good for her I guess. Anyway she is staying for the week I think since its going pretty well

Other things:

My nan is still winding me tf up alllll the time. She whines at me daily about wanting my cousin to come live here and she threatens to kick us out all the time even tho she told our case worker we can live here as long as we need.

Try not to waste my energy getting pissed off at her bc my patience is running thin as it is but jfc she is so annoying and so aggy bc shes offended that I told her she’s a shit parent and grandparent. My mum may have found my dad. I only suspect it because she has been messaging me demanding photos of my 12-year-old brother, and chances are she just wants to show my dad that he looks like him.

She only gives a s-t about her kids when she’s trying to use them to make our dad love her. I told her to go f herself bc I’m not sending her any photos. Like get a f-ing grip if you don't already have photos of your own child on your phone that's a you problem.

She has been a b to him his entire life anyway (if dad leaves soon after you’re born or whilst she’s still pregnant with you, you’re in her bad books for life. 22, me, 16, 12 and 7 were all in the bad books before we could hold our own heads up. And the oldest 2 are in the bad books for not being quiet about him ab-sing them and letting it continue so my mum could live her dream of having my dad at home).

Also should mention my dad has other kids. Idk how many and I have never met them but he has mentioned them before and I thought they may have been made up but my sister said one of them contacted her ages ago so they defo exist.

7-year-old has been calling me mummy. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel bad that this little kid has to resort to calling a 20-year-old mess mummy. It has made it feel a lot more real like damn I really am all these kids have at this point.

I know my mum would never sort herself out but deep down I guess I felt like I’m the temporary guardian and now I’ve fully realised no one is coming to take over at any point. I knew that but idk if it had clicked until a few days of the teeny monster calling me mummy. I’m happy that she has someone she can call mummy though.

She wouldn’t have that in foster care so that makes me feel better. It would be really f-ing sad if she had no one to call mummy at 7 years old. 9 year old has been a bit upset about it bc I think she wants to call me it as well but it feels a bit uncomfortable for her. She keeps crying saying she wants me to be her mum too but I’m not her mum and she doesn’t know what to do.

OFC Ihave told her she can call me what she wants and it wont change the fact I will look after her and be there for her the same either way. I am kind of worried 7yr old is going to start calling Matt dad bc she is deep in her wanting a dad era and DESPERATE for a dad. Talks about it a lot and asks about having a dad daily. Which triggers the other kids who hate our dad.

So idk if it will go down well if she starts calling bro dad. And I feel like it will be weird for her to refer to us both like that when we are siblings. But I don't want to tell her she cant either. She hasn't done it yet but I can see her edging towards it. She asked me if I was going to marry Matt so he could be the dad. And he is so good with her.

I heard him singing to her the other night. So ofc she’s in loveee With 16yr old I have found it easier if Matt does all the tough parenting shit and I act like I’m on her side kind of. Ofc he knows I’m not really but she doesn't want me parenting her so instead of trying to force it on her I’m trying to be more like just a sibling and he is the bad guy.

It doesn't work out perfectly and I still get pissed off at her but mostly only when she does something to interfere with me parenting the other 4. Like 7yr old has her “lovies” (old muslin cloths) she is very attached to and 16yr old confiscated one of them and wouldn't give it back and I had to tell her you don't confiscate shit and force her to give it back by threatening to take her phone.

But other stuff I leave to Matt. He is less bothered by the psychological bs with her. He just gets annoyed when i have an attitude with him and she overhears and copies me lol

It's been a lot of trial and error figuring out how to deal with everyone bc like 13yr old is my shadow and does not react well to Matt disciplining her at all but is fine if I do it. And 12yr old is one extreme or the other. Would tell me to f- off but would cry when Matt tells him off for it. He listens to me better now but only when I grab him and make him look at me whilst I speak bc he is the master of tuning me out.

He cuddles me when no one else is around tho and if Matt disciplines him he comes to me crying. 9yr old is a perfect angel until she isn't and decides to have a 30 minute battle with us bc she doesn't want to brush her teeth for no actual reason. She kind of reminds me of myself as a kid trying to keep it all together all the time, but she is safe enough to then let it all out in a meltdown.

Mostly she’s pretty easy bc she's reasonable but sometimes she does go full demonic and tests our patience. To everyone messaging me saying 7-year-old sounds autistic, she’s not. I’ve discussed it with the doctor and the therapist. She’s got anxiety and abandonment issues and is very stressed in general which is why she cant let herself lose control and fall asleep.

But she was not like this before my mum left at all. She used to sleep fine. All of them struggle with food bc they have been eating ramen their whole lives but its harder to get 7-year-old to eat better. The older ones I can explain it a bit better that they need the nutrition and they will try and eat more. But she doesn't give a f--- about nutrition.

And she’s crazy attached to me bc she thinks I will leave obviously. She has tabs on me constantly. But in theory that should all pass with time and reassurance Matt has been really good at not being like our parents were with us. He walks away a lot when he gets pissed off bc he doesn't want to react badly to the kids.

He hasn't smacked anyone since our big argument about it which tbh is impressive considering how it was for us as kids. He literally has scars from my dad's beatings and my mum has broken multiple bones on a few different kids. So trying not to be physical at all when that's what you’re used to is hard but we are doing it.

I’m chilling out a bit now with letting him actually parent and not intervening all the time. Like a while ago we were having a terrible night with 7-year-old and she was still screaming at about 2am, Matt came to get her off me bc I was about to lose it and as he picked her up she was flipping out and accidentally headbutted him full in the face.

I basically went blind and grabbed her off him so fast bc if that was my dad he literally would have thrown her across the room and she’d be in hospital. But Matt just sat on the floor silently and held his nose for a while.

And I was like okkk WTF he didn't even seemed pissed off. So a couple more situations like that and now I’m not so crazy in protection mode and feel like I can trust him. Anyway, this is a lot a longer than I planned yet again. Cant stop writing when I start even though these updates take me days.

The internet continued to pour out their support for OP.

iwtsapoab wrote:

All heroes don’t wear capes. I enjoy your updates. It’s clear that you are working so hard for your family’s best interests. Well done.

Ill-Structure_8292 wrote:

Hi, just wanted to say you're doing an amazing job! It's hard to break generations of family dysfunction, but you're doing great. Not a parent myself, but from what I've been told, all parenting is trial and error, so you are definitely not alone in that. I do have a suggestion, was initially thinking to hopefully help 7 sleep, but it might be a nice gesture for all the kids.

Maybe a small stuffed animal, perhaps a lion or something ferocious in the wild, but cute and cuddly. Tell her it's there to help keep guard at night, or keep her company if you have to step out of the room (and explain that it isn't you abandoning her, just sometimes the other kids also need you, etc, and you'll be right back). You can tailor the animal and story to fit each child.

OP responded:

Thanks sm that's actually a really good idea that the youngest 2 will probably love. Defo need to get them stocked up with some more toys so that's a good excuse to go and get them a stuffy and maybe a couple other things.

hserontheedge wrote:

Thanks for the update - I know it's hard, but you are doing an amazing job.

I hope you know that you have a lot of people rooting for you all.

For 9 who wants to call you mom, but doesn't feel like she can't because you "aren't her mom" - that one is tough - because at her age she is right in between being a little kid and a teenager, but keep doing what you are doing. Explaining that it's ok either way and just continuing to be there for her is great. You and Matt are doing great - be sure to keep telling yourself and each other that.

OP responded:

Yeah I think 9yr old is struggling bc she wants a mum like her friends have but she is self conscious about calling me mum since i’m obviously only 11 years older and her friends know I’m her sister. Have had some jealousy issues with her and 7yr old since 7 started calling me mummy.

9yr old has been mean to her, telling her to shut up all the time, wont play with her as much and calling her babyish. She isn't usually like that and they usually get along well so must be bc of that and 9yr old feeling s-t about it.

Krillo90 wrote:

You and your brother are doing so well, and it's so wonderful that you're helping all the younger kids have a functional family with a real future. They'll appreciate it so much later in life. You are an absolute hero here. And man, you know this already, but don't let anyone make things even harder for you like sending your cousin over to live with you.

If your nan is so worried about him, he can live with her. You're already at the edge of being able to hold everything together. And I'm sure you don't exactly have a lot of space in the house either! I hope you can do that move to WA so you can all stop worrying about family turning up.

OP responded:

Thanks!! Yeah tbh my nan's house is like the family hostel like everyone used to come and go from here all the time so my cousin is like why tf can I not come anymore. It's my nan's house so technically I can't say no but I am saying no bc f that shit.

I will move out and pay rent somewhere else if she makes us have my f-ked up cousins stay here. They aren't being around my kids ever let alone live with them. And yeah we don't have room we barely have space as it is bc there's only 3 bedrooms.

TheChapelofRoan wrote:

You're in such a tough situation, I really can't imagine how hard it must be for you. It's completely understandable you're feeling all these mixed emotions about the other kids and maybe even feeling a bit trapped by it all. It sounds like you and Matt are doing a phenomenal job though, all things considered.

Like you said, learning to cope with conflict and discipline in a healthy way when you were raised with b-tings is insanely impressive. I think it makes a lot of sense that writing everything out is something where you 'can't stop' once you've started. It might be an idea to try some journaling or something to get those feelings out, because you've got to look after yourself too.

Good on you for telling you mum and grandma to f- off. That's hard as hell. And they deserve it, especially mum. Like you said, it's sad when a parent doesn't even have pics of their kid on their phone. It's a tough situation with the seven-year-old and nine-year-old wanting to call you mum and Matt dad - might be worth asking one of the kid's therapists or doctors what they think about it.

And of course consider your own comfort with it. At the end of the day, families aren't just about the exact configuration of how you're related, it's about what you make of it. Sadly you're not the only sibling being a parent, and there's parents out there being siblings too.

Really glad things went well with the older sister visiting. Seems like she got that trauma reaction out of the way first and has gone in on trying to be there for you lot. Remember to take care of yourself. If writing out these updates helps, then go for it. If journaling would help, do that. But go easy on yourself no matter what you do, you are doing amazing.

OP responded:

Thank you!! Lol idk if i could journal like actually write stuff down bc I knowwww one of the kids would find it and read it. Like 100% 1/5 of them would find it. They find everything you don't want them to find so yeah don't want all my thoughts down in writing for them to pass round and show each other. Being on here is safer bc only 16yr old has a phone.

Thanks yeah telling my mum to f- off got me a hugeeeee message about how ungrateful and unhelpful and rude I am. I think she said I’m a sarcastic b-. But literally who tf doesnt have any photos of their kid. My mum makes a point of deleting photos when shes in a phase of hating whichever kid for some reason and she has pretty much hated my little brother his whole life so yeah.

Everything of him is longgg deleted. I guess I spoke to the therapist about the mum thing and she said its probably best to just let 7yr old call us what she wants unless we are uncomfortable. Idm the mummy thing bc I literally am her mum and have been her whole life anyway but we’ll see about the dad thing if she does start that.

She just wants to fit in and is trying to figure out why our family isn't like her friends families and why she has a Hannie and a Matt not a mum and dad. Like she literally said to me “you’re a girl and matty is a boy and that's the same as a mum and a dad”. She says s-t like that DAILY on the walk home from school so huge thing for her rn.

A few months later, OP shared a small update and asked for advice.

Got my first text from a kids friend's mum today inviting 7yr old to her kids birthday party in a few weeks.

This is the message:

Hi Hannah! (Friend and friends sister) are having a joint birthday party at our house and (friend) would love for (7yr old) to come. It's drop off 1pm and collect 3pm. Let me know if she can make it.

Idk if I like the whole drop off/pick up thing like I don't even really know these people except to just say hi to.

But if that's normal I don't want to be a freak and make it weird. 7yr old has literal diagnosed separation anxiety rn anyway so not sure she would even let me leave her there but I’m stressed either way. Don't want her to miss out and don't really want to leave her at someones house for two hours (but I would if it turns out this is normal and I’m a nut).

Commenters offered up a lot of support in response.

Remarkable_Town5811 wrote:

That's normal. If you've met the parents & have their contact you're above many guardians tbh. Check with 7 if they want to go first tho. If they don't, give whatever reason you’d like. I usually choose to reply “Thank you for thinking of [name]! Unfortunately we already have plans.”

If 7 is worried about separation, it’s worth asking the parent who invited 7 & briefly explain, something like “7 would love to come but is a bit nervous, would I be able to stay if she needs me to?” Offer to help if you're up to it - I wouldn't take folks up on this much when I threw younger kids parties, but it’s nice having extra hands too.

If they don't express concern? Don't even bring it up! Given her anxiety maybe say “[adults] have my phone #. I'll have my phone on me, just in case.” wink, and tell her you're so excited for her, birthday parties are great!

anonymous_999999 wrote:

Normal, but it would also be totally normal for you to briefly explain 7’s anxiety, and ask if you could stay and help out. The mom might appreciate an extra set of eyes on all those kids. Good luck! You are an amazing young woman!

shiciloy4288 wrote:

First I would ask 7 if they want to go. If yes ask the inviting parents if it would be fine if you could stay (not sure if they know the diagnosis) maybe explain that 7 situation. Offer help then you would have a reason to stay and you can also get to know the other parents. That's how I remember from when I was a child. And yes I think it's normal to be worried. Hope it will go well. Good luck to yall.

strychnine28 wrote:

It's normal. If the 7yr old feels that they can't cope without you there (and you both want to be there), kindly let the inviting mum know and ask if you can tag along and help out at the party. Just pitch in, and the two hours will fly by, and she'll be able to practice having fun at parties. Maybe next time she'll feel safe enough to try without you there.

bebepothos wrote:

I’d definitely agree with other commenters - ask first and foremost if the 7 year old wants to go. If not, respect her wishes and don’t push her. You can also FIRST text the mom back, explain 7 year olds separation anxiety and how she probably wouldn’t do well at the party alone.

But ask if you’d be allowed to tag along with her and you could also help watch the other kids or other stuff during the party. If the mom says yes, then you could ask the 7 year old if she’d want to go with you.

That way you already have permission from the mom before offering it to your sister. If she still says no to that, politely decline and maybe instead take your sister out for a treat like some ice cream just by herself so you can spend some one-on-one time together out of the house.

I bet that doesn’t happen often (if at all) and I’m sure it would be really nice for her, and you!

PS: I’ve followed you and your story since the beginning and I just want to tell you (along with everyone else!!) that you’re doing an amazing job with your siblings.

I’m so sorry no one was ever there for you in your times of need, and how you turned out so responsible and loving considering the “role models” and the childhood you had is a mystery, but you really did and you should be so proud of yourself for how amazing you’re doing.

Your siblings may not always act like it, but as they get older they’ll realize how much you did for them. You basically saved all of them.

Even when you needed to also save yourself. You’ve just done such an incomprehensible thing for all of your siblings and you should be so, so proud of yourself. I hope as you settle into a routine with a little less chaos that you are able to take a little time for yourself and focus on your mental health. I’m sure it’s suffering but you probably have zero time to even think about that.

Hopefully you’re able to eventually see any doctor you need and utilize any medications/treatments you need to help you feel well because you’ve been through so so much and deserve to feel well. You’re an amazing person and sibling, you’re doing an incredible job, and you deserve only good things moving forward.

Things will only get easier and easier. Keep at it, and take any ounce of alone time you’re able to. You’re so incredibly selfless and love your siblings so much, but try to be a tiny bit selfish every once in a while to take just a little time to focus on your own needs if possible.

There’s no other word i can think of but you’re just amazing! Sending you all my positive and healing vibes your way girlie. If you ever need someone to talk to or cry to or scream at or need a friend or just need someone there, you can honestly message me whenever and I’ll be there. 🙂

OP jumped back on to thank everyone for their feedback.

Edit: Thanks everyone!! Appreciate everyone telling me I can ask the mum to stay without coming across as a lunatic. She was like yeah def there's a couple parents staying and I can if I want to/if 7 wants me to. So yay now I feel way less stressed. Didn't ask kiddo yet since she was in a monster mood and would have said no to anything I asked her but will find out her thoughts tomorrow lol.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update about the birthday party.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I took 7-year-old to her friend's party and stayed the whole time and it was def the right decision so I’m glad I messaged the mum about it and was able to figure it out. Louie came up to me loads at the start and then just looked at me a lot for the rest of the party, but she had a great time and I loved seeing her with her friends.

She’s never had a party or celebrated her birthday tho so she had a lot of questions after and I promised she could have a cake and a party next year for her birthday. Getting a party bag fascinated her she was like woah and said it was kind of like her birthday because she got a cupcake and 4 presents in the bag (stickers and a yo yo and a small baby doll and a colouring book).

She took two days to eat the cupcake and the baby is called Rapunzel and she carries it everywhere I'm glad I asked here and didn't freak out and just say no like I was tempted to since the idea of leaving her was freaking me out.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

umadhatter_ wrote:

That is so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m glad you were able to work it out with the mom. In my experience, any decent parents will be willing to help accommodate kids with difficulties (special needs, allergies, attachment issues). Don’t be afraid to ask.

Usually any parents that make a big negative deal about it are the people you don’t really want your kid to be around. Especially because your request was such an easy one to accommodate, it didn’t seem like it put much if any burden on the other parent. Just know that you are doing great and your sister will remember this forever.

Parade_your_Crazy wrote:

I'm so happy this worked out and 7-year-old didn't miss out on being a kid. You are doing an amazing job and we are really proud of you. Don't be ashamed to continue to ask questions. You have a tribe of internet strangers in your corner.

Just_Stop7538 wrote:

You are doing amazing!!! Your siblings are so lucky to have you there for them. I’m so glad 7 yo got to experience a birthday party and that you got you watch her playing with friends and have a small break from her clinging on to you. I wish you all the luck moving forward.

And as a mom, your stories have made me cry, hug my own kids a little tighter, and laugh with you when you talk about the 16 yo’s attitude. You are strong and amazing. Not many can do what you’re doing. And if you need any advice, you know your internet family is here to support you.

A month later, OP shared another major update.

My mum had another baby, another girl. Idk why it shocked me so much because I literally think through this exact scenario in my head every day. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks and I was on the edge of losing my mind for a couple days. Idk why. I think a mixture of knowing that either way this goes its going to f-- me up and also just general anger at my mum for how irresponsible she is.

If we take her I’m raising a whole newborn from scratch again and if we dont take her I will torture myself for the rest of my life wondering if shes ok and feeling guilty. At first we were going to just say no we cant take her and have her go straight to foster care or adoption.

But she’s in hospital with meningitis so after days of stressing out and talking about everything I’m travelling down rn to be with her bc I cant deal with her being alone and I was going crazy. Information has been really patchy but last I heard they think my mum would have got pregnant in late january bc the baby is premmie.

I suspected when she left at christmas that she had found out where our dad so she must have been with him for idk how long. Doubt she’s still with him bc she usually plays happy families with the new baby if my dad is still there when its born. My mum carries strep b so its not the first time shes had a newborn with serious issues from that.

We dont even know what day she was born on. I’m so mad at her that she didnt tell me she was pregnant or come home to have the baby. I would have made sure she got medical care and she would be ok. I’ll know more when I get there but it sounds like my mum didnt have her in hospital which again wouldnt be the first time shes done that

I’ve had to just leave Matt with the kids and hope things will be ok. He says he’s got it but idk and obviously me leaving didnt go down well with 7yr old. 16yr old is like a new person since we found out and is suddenly the most helpful person ever and now I’ve gone she keeps messaging me that things are fine at home and that she wants me to bring the baby home with me.

She’s the only kid who even knows about the baby, the others think I’m helping our sister with something I just don't know what to do. Imagining letting her go live with strangers sends me into literal blind panic.

I've been in foster care and it was horrible. I know its different for babies but like how can I risk her going to live with people who might not love her. I know I will love her and she will be ok with us. But the other part of me is like can I realistically have ANOTHER kid at home and what if she gets adopted by amazing people and has an incredible life. Idk what to do.

The case worker is saying that staying with family is priority and it would most likely be possible for us to have her if we want her. But I dont want to say yeah I want her and have all this stuff happen and then take her home and realise omfg I cant do this. A baby is a lot and a lot different from school aged kids.

But I have done it before and I was like 13 last time I was doing night feeds so surely at 20 I can do it. 7 yr old is finally mostly sleeping in her own bed and I’ve actually been sleeping at last. But I feel like an idiot if I say yeah give this human child away just so I can get a bit more sleep. That's crazy. Matt is saying we could bring her home and see how it goes as like a temporary thing.

But I dont want to just say yeah okay lets bring her home like a pet cat or fish. I want to be certain that its the right choice. I will get so attached and so will she and thats not fair bc if it turns out its impossible to have this many kids then what the hell do we do. I mean I guess nothing is impossible. Ahhh idk I just hate the thought of giving her to random people.

I know through the years all of us will be together and my head will be constantly like “hows the baby, wheres the baby right now, what if shes lonely, what if no one loves her, what if she has no one to play with, maybe she's hungry” I will be torturing myself forever. Idk how people give a kid away. She's not even my f--king kid and I’m like no you’re part of me I need to keep you with me.

But what if I cant. Financially it will be okay bc we get decent money for kinship and between us we can make enough money to be okay. When we move (before Christmas hopefully) there will be 3 adults in the house bc our older sister is moving with us plus 16 will be 17 by then. By the end of feb all the kids will have had their birthdays so they will be 14, 13, 10 and 8. Justtt getting more independent and then bam, newborn.

Idk what to do. My oldest sister is like f--k this you need to get her adopted. Everyone else wants to “try” keep her. I just want to a crystal ball so I could see how things turn out either way and then decide because the thought of regretting this choice for the rest of my life is really making me so so stressed.

Not really looking for advice tbh because I dont want the life of a literal baby being decided by the internet as that just seems f--ked up and I want it to be the right choice for us that we made with the case workers.

I’m just rambling because it's an 8hr journey and I need to stop spamming Matt and my sisters with my constant thoughts. But yeah for everyone who was messaging me like your mum will have another one, you called it I guess.

Internet strangers continued to offer support.

Effective-Change3238 wrote:

My god she needs her tube's tied or something! Kid #8 and she doesn't take care of any of you. I'm sorry hun. This has got to be so hard on you. But I know you'll make the best choice for you and the rest of your family. Hugs darling. You're such an incredible mom to them all.

Andyroo776 wrote:

Wow. You and your brother were really pulling it all together into a strong family unit moving in the right direction, and boom life throws a curve ball at you all. I can see why you are thinking the way you are about your newest sister. But I think you need to sit down with your elder siblings and some external counsellors and really game what this is going to look like over the next 18 years.

Will you and Matt be able to have relationships? Careers? Can you support the family you have better? Or will things back slide. You need to take the longer view and understand that this could keep on happening. Your mother's actions are not for you to solve and then parent.

Whatever you do, make sure you do it after due and careful consideration and that it is something you are all on board for. You have been doing so well and I am sure you will also deal with this with all the grit and aplomb you have been showing us all Be strong for your family.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Baby update

Short update as I dont have much time but everyone is messaging me today asking whats happening

Baby is doing really well. The passed week has been up and down and still got a few issues atm but theres a super good chance she will be totally fine.

She looks like an alien and she has a cannula in her tiny head but she’s okay according to literally every nurse and doctor I keep harrassing about her bc to look at her you’d think this baby is not well. They are like no she’s doing great. But yeah if she wasnt brought to the hospital when she was she would be deceased.

They still havent found my mum. No idea where she is but most likely left the city. Maybe she actually realises she f--ked up this time and you cant leave your newborn with random cr-ckheads We are getting temporary custody and hopefully bringing her straight home when she gets discharged if everything is sorted by then.

Need to actually see if we can manage it before we make a solid decision so it makes sense to do it this way and the case worker is fully on board. Im worried about everyone getting attached and then it not working out but after talking about it all week we think its better to try and fail than not try and wonder what if.

Had to tell the kids about her obviously and they are all like this is the best thing ever and excited but idk I think they think she’ll be a quiet adorable doll and the little girls think they get to name her so it's all fun to them. She won't be called Calypso or Lilo or Rapunzel tho and she definitely isnt quiet so idk if the excitement will last long once we get home.

We’ll see. I’m anxious to just get home and have an actual conversation with Matt and my sister bc rn it feels like they are like yeah yeah yeah we can keep her but I’m the only one thinking about things long term and like the actual logistics of having an infant.

The following day, OP shared yet another update.

Hey so everyone has been messaging me offering us money or gifts and stuff, since my first post but its a lot more atm bc of the baby. I dont want to keep replying the same thing so will just say here instead.

So we are really doing ok. I dont know if most of you are from the USA but here in australia we get good money for kinship. Like more money than we have ever had before by a long way. We also get discounts on some stuff.

I know how to feed 5 kids on very little money and i’m still in that habit so the money we get now covers what we need and more Me and Matt both have jobs and our older sisters give us money as well when they can. Matt has literally been saving some money for when we move and for emergencies, bc he can.

Not saying we are gonna be going on holidays and buying anything we want but we have enough to get by and will be able to give the kids an actual Christmas this year. They can probably count on one hand all the presents they have had until now. Birthdays didn't exist in our family before so if we get them a cake and a couple of gifts they will be amazed.

I brought myself some clothes recently and that was crazy to me to get new stuff and not have to think its either clothes or food or whatever. Like I could just buy them bc I wanted to and it was okay. So yeah I dont want them to get an avalanche of presents and end up not caring as much about what they do have.

Honestly can't imagine having an amazon wish list and things just showing up at our house they would probably all have heart attacks. And for the baby stuff Matt has posted in some Facebook groups and has people offering things we need for free or cheap, so he has already arranged for us to have most of the big things we need. The money we get for her from the gov will pay for some of the rest of it.

I appreciate the offers so much but I wouldnt feel right taking them when we are able to save some money at the moment which is honestly crazy to me and I know so many people who cant save 10 dollars a week if they wanted to.

So if you are offering stuff to us pls give it to another family who probably needs it more. We used to struggle so much and theres still so many people in that situation. I guess most people would still say we are poor or whatever but we used to be wayyyyyy worse than poor.

We dont share instant noodles for dinner anymore so we goooood. Sorry for rambling again and thanks for everyone being so kind and helpful.

Six weeks later, OP shared another big update.

I never know how to start these lol hi. I know people want to know about the baby so update is she is doing good we finally got her home (was a MISSION fr and the weirdest combo of stress/relief when we finally did it). As far as babies go she is on the easier side I would say.

Atm she sleeps a ton and I literally have to wake her up to feed her and even then she like falls asleep halfway through a bottle. My life legit revolves around bottles. Cleaning bottles sterilising bottles making bottles logging how much she drank tracking how long until the bottles expire getting confused which bottle is which so making them again bc I’m paranoid I’m gonna give her an expired one.

It NEVER ENDS. So funny that theres that whole debate about how bottle feeding is like lazy or whatever and the easy way out bc I swear I wish I gave birth to this kid so I could just feed her from my tits and be done with it. Dealing with bottles is so time consuming.

But ngl the baby herself is not a huge deal its the addition of the baby to the existing chaos thats like kinda f--ked because they all have suchhh different needs already. Like I thought the 7-13 gap was huge and a pain in the ass to keep them all happy but now it's like lets entertain you all AND remember the feeding schedule of an infant.

On the up side I dont have to do many nappy changes atm bc all the kids want to help with the baby all the time so as soon as I say she needs to be changed they are all fighting over whos turn it is which is hilarious and I hope it lasts.

Don't want to talk about my mum tbh except to say the baby is a full sibling so she is my dad's (I knew she was anyway but we got dna done to confirm) as ppl have asked. Had a convo with my mum that I honestly want to delete bc its so bad but I cant so yeah.

Hoping she just gets locked up atp I'm so f--king done but doesn’t seem like any efforts being made to actually find her like they dont give a f--k, sounds like they will do something if she walks into the station like hey arrest me.

Obviously I’m sleep deprived (which is actually more from 7yr old than from the baby) and stressed out but I was already both of those things before so tbh it doesn’t feel crazyyy different right now. I’m just MORE sleep deprived and more stressed. But like okay what else is new. I just have a tiny baby monkey asleep somewhere near me at all times.

The kids are doing well have had a couple jealousy issues with the younger ones but mostly they have been really great (not expecting that to last once the novelty of the baby wears off). 7yr old is up and down on how happy she is about sharing me but its not been too bad bc there are enough ppl that someone can usually hold the baby so I can focus on 7 or 9 or whoever.

I've given up trying to get them to be quiet around the baby bc they won't and so far she sleeps through everything anyway. 17yr old (had her birthday, the first bday we have properly celebrated like EVER. Can't wait for the others to have their bdays now) has been literally amazing I’m like WHO ARE YOU. Compared to the total pain in my a-- she was before she’s been so good.

Helps me out a lot even tho I tell her she doesnt have to. Won't go into it all here bc it's her private business not for me to share but she’s had some huge breakthroughs with therapy and seems like since the baby she has realised our mum is beyond fucked and she’s shifted her anger off me and onto her.

She’s full in protective mode over the baby which is crazy for me to see bc she normally couldnt give a s--t about the younger kids. Not saying everything is perfect there we still have some issues going on but she is so helpful atm and just like thoughtful. Idk it's nice I think maybe we will end up being friends.

My oldest sister not so much she's hella pissed me off bc she is so against me taking the baby and has been going on rants about me being an enabler and how I need more therapy bc I cant keep cleaning up our mums mess. Like ok firstly guess she hasnt noticed our mum couldnt give a fuck and if she wants to have 10 more babies she would whether I took this one or gave her away.

I could send the baby to outer space, my mum still wouldnt care and would have another one if she thought it would get my dads attention. And yeah I'm not really here for her calling the baby “it” and acting like I should literally give her away like she's an unwanted toy or whatever sooo I'm not speaking to her atm. It makes me upset bc I love her but I cant mentally deal with her rn if shes gonna be like that.

Had to name the baby so I called her the name I have always wanted to call my own kid bc who knows if I will have one and I thought it would help me bond with her bc I have an emotional attachment to that name like I have loved it forever. But I cant stop calling her The Baby bc she doesnt suit having an actual name yet lol she’s like too little I guess.

I'm trying to ease into calling her her name by using a nickname but I legit sit there in the middle of the night speaking to her and trying to call her her name and just end up being like “nope you are just a baby.”

Rambling again so Ill wrap it up bc idk who has time to read this s--t but we are all set to move as well. A bit later than planned but whatever. Matt flew over for a few days to sort out the house and my older sister is going to go over a week before we move to get everything fully ready which is defo needed now we have the baby.

She's complicated things a LOT but we are figuring it out. It's costing a s--t ton to move but once it's done I think everything will be so much better. No dealing with our nan and will be less cramped and my sister will be living with us so we will have 3 adults AND the new and improved version of 17yr old which means its 3 1/2 against 2 teenagers, 2 kids and a newborn.

Which isn't so awful (wait for me to take that back but I HOPEEE it will all be ok and feel easier). And our parents wont know where we are so Matt will finally chill out and stop having daily heart attacks about kids being here there and everywhere around town or me being home alone or whatever.

The internet was deeply invested.

Confused_lover_girl wrote:

One thing I’ll add here, since your mom is getting to the old age, there will be a point and time she can’t have anymore kids with your dad, as with her old age won’t be able to carry more kids. So I hope this will be the last baby she pops out.

I’ve been reading your story since day one, and I am so proud of how you’re handling this! We love you OP!

(PsS your eldest sister should probably realize there’s a reason why no one in her family wants to talk or even be near her anymore if she keeps acting this way lol)

Darkside_of_the_moon wrote:

OP, you are my superhero! I have been reading your posts since the beginning, and I am amazed at how far you and your siblings have come along. You all have captured my heart ❤️. You have not only stepped up to the challenge of raising your younger siblings, but you have shined in the process.

I am glad that you will be moving to your new house soon. Hopefully, with the extra from your brother and sister, things will calm down for you. You are absolutely a shining light to us all. Don't let anyone (especially yourself) tell you otherwise.

OP responded:

Haha thanks. Dont feel like a superhero rn, I’m on here distracting myself bc Matt is attempting to get two way overtired girls to bed and they are protesting HARD. And I feel bad for him bc it was me who told them they were going to bed straight after dinner bc they have been acting like the spawn of satan all day, but he gets to deal with it bc I have no patience left and I’m nap trapped by the baby.

Just to keep it real bc our day to day life is chaos (and this is what I mean about the baby being easy, she's legit the least of my problems. 7yr old had a 30 min tantrum today bc I called her her actual name when telling her off instead of her usual nickname. I’m tiredddd).

Instilled_Ink wrote:

You’re doing amazing. I hate that your sister is taking things out on you over bringing the baby home but hopefully she gets over it at some point. I hope the move goes smoothly and that it relieves some stressors from your life. Good luck OP.