'AITA for refusing to go to my 'best guy friend's' wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to go to my 'best guy friend's' wedding?"
I grew up with my family and another family whose parents were best friends with mine since high school. My parents had me (F28) and my two older brothers (M31 and M35), while their friends had four boys (M27, M29, M30, and M37).
Growing up was pretty nice, but the boys used to pick on me a lot and exclude me during their "girls are yucky" phase. I wouldn't say I see these boys as brothers, but maybe as cousins. I was close to M27 and M29 when we were little. I will call them Adam and Jake. Until we were 15, we were really close and did a lot together.
I don't talk to Jake much anymore. No hard feelings, but he grew up to be a classic tech bro and can be pretty condescending. However, our families are obsessed with the idea of us ending up together. The other guys are already married, and Adam is gay.
They've always pushed for us to be together (making us go to the store alone at Christmas, telling us both an earlier time to meet at the restaurant for Dad's birthday, talking him up a lot, etc.).
Then both Jake and I met our SOs. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years, and Jake met his fiancée 3 years ago. Our families have been very disappointed and have not welcomed our SOs warmly. One Christmas, I took Jake's fiancée, Tracy, aside and explained the weird family lore to her.
With Jake (just like we did with my fiancé), we assured her that it was just a weird thing of our family and that Jake and I have not been close for ages and have never had more than a friendly relationship. Ironically, having to stand against our parents made us all a little closer.
But we come to the problem. Jake and Tracy are going to get married soon, and it has been chaos. Our parents have upped their antics by 2000%. Family dinners are full of "ahh we thought you two would get married." They brought out a picture I apparently drew of me and Jake when we were little of us getting married (I suspect they made it. It did not look like it was made by an actual child).
They were cornering Tracy about making me the matron of honor and letting me wear white (what??). Also, his brothers and my brothers joined in, making jokes about us being star-crossed lovers and calling me "the missus." I distanced myself heavily from my family during that time and stopped going home after talking to them did nothing.
One day, one of my brothers invited me out. He said it was just my two brothers and me. So, I went to his apartment, and when I arrived, it was Jake's bachelor party. One of his brothers screamed out that the "stripper" was here (f#$^ing ew). I wanted to leave, but the next train left close to 12 a.m., and it was not the safest neighborhood.
So, I stayed. They tried to make me drunk, were constantly physically pushing me and Jake together, and even locked us in my brother's bedroom. I could hear loud laughing from the other side.
Jake and I did not talk much. He apologized to me and asked me if I could not come to the wedding as I made Tracy uncomfortable. I completely understood and said at that point I was not planning to go anymore.
He offered to drive me home as he was also completely sober. When they opened the door, he said we were going home. In their heads, that meant we were going to be intimate or something because all the caveman sounds started.
The next day, my phone was blowing up. Someone uploaded a video of me and Jake leaving and captioned it "finally." It was very awkward. I am clearly uncomfortable, and so is Jake as we exit the apartment and enter his car.
There were comments, calls, and texts. Tracy called me crying and cursing me out. Jake called me apologizing and telling me he tried to explain. My mother and his mother sent me a bunch of texts saying how proud they are and that it was about time. My fiancé is understanding, but he wants me to make clearer boundaries with my family.
I drove past their house, and they were all there. They didn't even let me talk and were just love-bombing me. I started screaming and told them Jake and I have never and will never be together and I will not be leaving my loving fiancé.
That I would not be going to Jake's wedding, and if they kept up with this, I would cut every single one of them off because I am tired and just want to live my life and not their weird fairy tale.
By the end of my meltdown, my mother and his mother were crying, and my father just told me to get out. Since then, I have been getting messages from my brothers calling me a b^#%h for treating my family like that because they only wanted the best for me. So, AITA?
Edit: No an, Uber was not an option. Taxis and Ubers are ungodly expensive here. Thus is take the freaking train. Also no we don't have a car.
Tracy was away and my fiance had a night shift
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Why didn't you pull out your phones when they trapped you in the room? why didn't he call tracy and you call your boyfriend? video and call evidence would have saved you. Looks like you cheated and are trying to paint a flattering image of yourself to the readers.
YTA. Your fiance should leave you and put this weird family in his past. Tracy is right to curse you out.
CherryColacoca1 OP responded:
Yeah sure. Buddy did you fall on your head? Tracy was out herself and my fiance had a night shift plus he doesn't have a car either.
Well, that this is just insane that any family would behave that way. I can’t believe your fiancé is still around. Unfortunately, if you want to have happiness with your husband, you’re going to have to cut off your family It sounds like.
CherryColacoca1 OP responded:
It's because he loves me. But thanks
Mean_Nefariousness25 says:
NTA, I grew up in a similar situation with a close friend of mine, it didn’t really stop until she came out a couple years back but her mother still refers to me as her “son” and talks about what could have been even though I’m now engaged and her daughter is, again, gay. It drives me crazy that parents try to force things like this on their kids
Bella_Rose36 says:
NTA. Both families are insane and your brothers are gross for even participating in this disaster. I'm baffled and stunned that these adults think that what they are doing is okay. They are being selfish and manipulative and need to look in the mirror and examine their immature and abhorrent behaviour instead of insulting and putting blame on you.
Ok-Adhesiveness-2232 says:
NTA- Your family to put it nicely sounds like they are exasperating and their behavior certainly warrants being cut off.
Wrong_Moose_9763 says:
You need to block them all for at least a couple months. This is just a sh^#show of their own making. They have some kind of fantasy of merging the families, but JFC they need to seek professional help. Good luck and I hope it isn't always this messy, NTA.
About a week later OP came back with this update:
Update 1: Jake and Tracy broke up.
Update 2: My fiancé was cheating with Tracy the whole time!
Update 3: I think I might have feelings for Jake, but I can’t let our families win.
Update 4: I’m pregnant and it’s Jake’s.
I'm kidding. Just thought this comment was particularly hilarious.
First of all, thank you all for your insight, especially those of you who reached out in the comments and privately with similar stories. I honestly thought my family was the only demented one, but apparently, it's a trend (also, a lot of German parents have done that... in that vein... Joa scheiße, ne?).
Now for the real update: My fiancé and I spoke and concluded that cutting out my family for now would be the best option. I sent a message to my parents and brothers explaining my decision to distance myself for the time being. I emphasized that while I love them, I cannot continue to endure their pressure and manipulation.
I told them their behavior had made me resent them and, to some extent, Jake. They ruined any friendly relationship we could have had and made me feel gross and exploited. I told them they were setting me up to be [ ] if it had been anyone else but Jake.
I also told them that their controlling behavior was the reason I never told them about anything in my life. I told them it hurts to be with them, and I am in a bad mood for days after meeting them. I never look forward to holidays with them and have caught myself wishing I would get into an accident or get sick before the holidays to have an excuse not to go.
They cut themselves out of my life, and they will not be there when I get married, have kids, or in any other life achievements.
After sending the message, I left the group, blocked them all, and felt really light. I cried with my fiancé for hours, and I didn't really know if it was tears of sadness, relief, or happiness. I was so conflicted. I just kind of fell asleep.
Jake has also cut his part of the family off. According to Tracy, he just went to their home, dumped a sack of their stuff on the table, told them to stay away from him, and left. His mother tried reaching out to me, and my father tried reaching out to Jake. Our fiancés had been targeted by them too.
My parents sent the police to my house claiming my fiancé had me there against my will. We talked to the police. They couldn't do much but assured me that they would leave a note in their database clarifying that I am not being abused.
I also asked how to go about a no-contact order, and they pointed me to resources. They also said they would tell my parents to leave me alone and noted that should they make false reports, they would have to cover the cost of the drive out to me.
As of Friday, we have different numbers! Tracy is coming over this afternoon, and I am taking her to my nail salon, and afterward, we are going to a game store because she really wants to play some escape games.
Jake and I are still not close, and he is also not close to my fiancé. But he is happy that we have carved out a healthy space and that Tracy is so comfortable with me now in such a short span of time. They are reevaluating their wedding plans, but I won't disclose more here.
Also, to the people that made fun of me for saying that I couldn't drive by anywhere without a car... I have a bike.
Anyway, that was it. It was only a week, and I don't see this going much further. My parents are going to keep contacting me probably, but it's going to be all right. We are all all right.
Edit Thank you for so many well wishes. It has been really nice to read through all these comments.
Just one thing. Don't give me legal advice. Remember that we are most likely in a different country, and our laws a s procedures probably don't apply to the ones you know.
For example, the camera thing to have as evidence is a nice sentiment, but in Germany, it's difficult. We have super strict data protection laws that make things like a ring camera unviable. Or a restraining order. The process here is not only to go ask and get it. But you can be well assures that I am looking into all viable options and am getting some legal advice from lawyers in my area
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
I LOVE your sense of humor! Definitely got my laugh in from the first paragraph, lol!
As for your families, good on you and Jake for cutting everyone off. I doubt that false report of you being abused is the end of it, though. Please be safe, you’re doing the right thing by seeking a no contact order. Make sure you have security at your wedding and maybe suggest that Jake and Tracy do the same.
I’m glad Tracy came around and realized that it was the families doing this and not you and Jake. This is exactly what you needed and you’ll be a lot happier for it, especially in the long run. You’re taking care of you and your chosen family and that’s all you need to do. Enjoy your freedom!
God her and Jake's parents... your kids are autonomous human beings, not toys you can mash together like G.I. Joe and Barbie.
The one where she’d prove she could be on time by helping plan the younger sisters wedding? And then was 25 minutes late? Btw I believe my flair highlights that you are the n for more wackiness.
CherryColacoca1 OP responded:
Yes, that one. I think she wants to make a big entrance every time, that's why she is late always And to the second one. I really hope not! So far, nothing has happened. Only that I let Tracy dye my hair purple hahaha
Good update, honestly. and Jep definitv scheiße das es so viele Eltern gibt die sowas machen. [Yep, it definitely sucks that there are so many parents who do that]
Be prepared for them to come visit and be at your door. As soon as you notice its them call the police to get them trespassed. Only after that, open the door while recording the interaction with them.