'My sister and fam visit and treat my home like a hotel. AITA to limit them to two nights?' UPDATED 3X

"My sister and fam visit regularly, treating my home like a hotel, AITA to say they are no longer welcome to visit for more than two nights?"

I live in a fantastic location, near the beach and short drive from hinterland. I have kids aged 8 and under and a full time job, my husband also works 13 to 14hr days. We have our hands full.

When my sister comes, I move 1 of my kids so her and her family have a room big enough. They leave wet towels on her bed and I have addressed this with my sister before however she and her husband reacted quite immaturity to this, blaming one another instead of just saying noted won't do it again. They still do this.

They both shower twice a day which is fine, not great but what is frustrating is one of then has a 45 min shower each time. They let food overflow on my stove and try and clean it up and they leave it stained. This weekend, I was left to do laundry, cook breakfast for them, breakfast for my kids, and at one point also asked to hold their one child whilst I was doing all that.

They are also always late for events, I usually have to give them an earlier time to try and get them to places on time and even then they can be quite late. They sleep in, lounge around and then go out all day coming home after the kids have gone to bed.

My kids absolutely love and adore them and are always disappointed that they aren't spending much time together. My sis and BIL also have a tendency of telling the kids they will come to their sports and not turn up. BIL also likes to play pranks, he called me at work when I first started and pretended there had been a house fire at my home.

I was stressed and when I tried to address it, I got blamed for making it awkward. I've asked him not to prank me and he says he only does it to those he loves and I was like please I don't appreciate it. He stopped for a while. My youngest is also behaviorally challenging which is exacerbated dramatically when they are here.

AITA if I set ground rules to their visits, towels stay in bathroom, showers max 10 minutes, can't stay more than 2 days? What would be a tactful way of laying those ground rules out?

Update: To not wanting my sister and her family to stay over ever again.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Majestic_Valuable_70 wrote:

Them getting a hotel for their visits to your area would be much better, don't you think?

WielderofAphorisms wrote:

Not overreacting.

Simply say it isn’t a good time when it’s not convenient for you.

Regarding house rules, they’re behaving like entitled freeloaders, so be clear and concise.

It’s awkward because they’re being rude.

• Pranks are unacceptable and stop.

• Showers are under 10 minutes each.

• It’s not a hotel, clean up after yourselves.

• Do not disrupt our routine.

• Don’t yank my kids’ chains saying you’re going to be at a sports event if you’re not going to show.

• If you cannot be respectful of our home, lives, and schedule it’s best you stay elsewhere.

Don’t overthink. Do not put yourself out.

CardaBella wrote:

Hey sis. We're finding hosting guests is too disruptive for our household just at the moment so here is a list of nearby bnbs and hotels for your next visit.

Maybe when the kids are all a bit older and responsible.

Shashi1066 wrote:

You are not overreacting. Your BIL sounds immature and passive aggressive. Who calls someone as a joke to tell them their house is on fire? Yes, limit their time in your home. Expect pushback. They do not deserve an explanation if they’re so self-unaware.

maywellflower wrote:

"AITA if I set ground rules to their visits, towels stay in bathroom, showers max 10 mins, can't stay more than 2 days? What would be a tactful way of laying those ground rules out?"

I wouldn't even bother nor be nice enough give them 2 days, I would point blank say "You and family is no longer allowed in my house after all messes, pranking and using up my water - not even for 1 overnight stay. My house is not free hotel, motel nor Airbnd - you want mess up place like their maids to clean up after yourselves, then take yourselves there and not my home."

"I don't care you have to / don't have money to pay those places, you & family should had been better considerate guests in my home - you don't like that consequences for being terrible guests under my roof too many times, free feel to never come to home ever again."

OP shared an update four months later.

I posted and deleted in June.I had posted about my sister and brother in law who come and stay every few months for 2 to 6 days at a time. Leave their wet towels on our beds even though I've asked them not to, he takes 45 min showers twice a day and they don't really spend time with us, more go do their own thing and come back at night like we're a hotel.

It's upsetting to my kids because they don't understand why their Aunt and Uncle don't keep their promises of coming to their games like they said they would or play whichever game they promised they would.

Sure they are busy with their 1-year-old but I've asked them not to make promises they can't keep. I don't think I went into this at all in my last post. There were a lot of comments, pointing out I'm a doormat (OK I heard ya internet) and I think in the comments I mentioned I am of a culture where we open our home to family and are overly hospitable.

I was however born and raised in the west but Mum was overly hospitable and looking back often it was to my detriment. There is more to what happened in June. My brother was also there but he is a whole other post, maybe a novel. Internet strangers, you will be very proud to hear my update.

My sister called me two weeks ago as my birthday was approaching and she wanted to ask if she could come for my birthday. I told her no as we had a lot on and it wasn't ideal. It was the last weekend of kids school hols, I just needed to get my house in order and iron their school clothes and my work clothes and get them back into routine and just have some family time that weekend.

I didn't say what we were busy with but just that it wouldn't work for us.

She tried again, but explained that her friend is arriving from interstate to an airport (90 minutes from me but almost 4 hours from them) and she was hoping they could stay at mine before leaving in the evening to pick her up and heading home.

So it wasn't for my birthday but for convenience and then she planned to head off in the evening in the middle of birthday celebrations and it would have been disruptive because our kids are always sad to see their fave Aunt and Uncle and cousin go.

I was like sorry no and I'll have to call you later because my kids were fighting...again. On a tangent, I won a weekend away to an island from a $5 raffle, island is about 1 hour off the coast, it was a 3 bed townhouse and I wanted her and her fam to join us.

But the thought of cooking and cleaning after them didn't sound fun to me. In fact I felt stressed about it. I ended up asking my husbands cousin and his family, they pitched in with cooking and cleaning, they have kids the same age which was great so we all handled the kids well.

It was just what I needed. I need a resolution though, my sister and I live too far apart to visit just for the day. Neither of us can afford accommodation when we visit one another. I would have visited her at least once since June but have avoided it. I would like to hang out with my sister but how?

I also don't feel like I can keep saying no to her, it will require a honest conversation eventually where I lay my grievances and concerns on the table. She will JADE, it is never her fault. If you recall when her husband pranked me about the house fire and I called him out on it, he eventually apologised and she called me days later to chew me out and tell me how I had made it awkward.

Not long after posting, OP shared two more updates.

Edit: People saying save up for a hotel, they are 300 min per night at either location and about 150 if we meet halfway between those locations. We're facing the mortgage cliff in a few months and can't justify the cost.

Edit 2: Meeting halfway doesn't interest me. Halfway point is my old hometown of a decade. We will make plans, sis will be anywhere between 1 to 4 hours later (we've done this song and dance before, yes she has been 4 hours late).

Recent times I've carried on to try and enjoy whatever activity I had planned but the kids ask where their Aunt and Uncle are every 5 minutes, despite them knowing Aunt and Uncle are always late. If I'm going to that city, I would rather make plans with friends who won't flake, see my sister in law, go to the man-made beach there with my kids cousins who live locally.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

moontiara16 wrote:

You love her because of history and she is your sister. She loves you because of what you do for her and provide her. She doesn’t care about your feelings. Why do you show your children how to get used, abused, and unloved?

You’re showing them it’s okay for your sister to do this. These are lessons they will take into the future. Your sister is a grown person. You don’t need to tell or show her anything except indifference.

OP responded:

Here's the thing, I had a talk to my older kids...they were asking when my sister and fam were next visiting and I said not for a while and they asked why. I explained after their last visit, I was uncomfortable inviting them back. Older two understood, youngest blabbed to my brother.

LaciePauline wrote:

Congratulations on your shiny new backbone!

lilyofthevalley2659 wrote:

Why do you miss her? She sounds awful. And she’s a user. You need to tell her the truth. Be open and honest. Tell her they are not welcome in your home and why.

oldandopinionated wrote:

Well done for not letting yourself be used as someone else's convenience. It is hard when you first start saying no but it does get easier! For future visits maybe take a different approach. Tell her you'd love them to come for a few days, and that its really important that while they are there they do certain things together with your family.

Set it as an expectation. Make sure they have plenty of time to do other stuff too, but set down some non negotiable time. And really make it clear that this is what they are visiting for, to spend time with your family. Plan your time together so that she knows exactly what's expected.

And if they mess it up let her know how she let down you and your family even though she knew what you both agreed on. You can ask for the relationship that you want, but sometimes you also have to accept that other people want different things from you. And then it's really up to you whether you accept that or not. Sometimes it's not our immediately family we end up closest to.