'My stepdaughter hates me, so I’m not bringing her on my beach trip. Husband says 'get over it.' MAJOR UPDATE

Treating people badly has consequences, and as a parent - it's healthy to teach kids that at an early age so they can grow into well-adjusted adults.

In a popular post on the Two Hot Takes subreddit, a woman shared her saga with her stepdaughter. She wrote:

"My step daughter said she hates me so I’m not bringing her on my trip."

I 28F married my 37M husband 4 years ago when his daughter was 11. She’s 15 almost 16. Her parents have been divorced since she was 7. She still sees her mom regularly and they have a great relationship. I know I will never be her mother and I have never tried to take on that role nor force her to look at me that way. The problem is she doesn’t like me at all.

Since she was 11 she’s made it clear I’m not her mom. She rolls her eyes at me, ignores me a lot of the time, tells me I’m not her mom, etc. Her mom and I get along. She will call me if she needs me to take my step daughter to practice instead because she has a new baby.

We’re not best friends but we do keep in touch for the sake of her daughter because her dad travels a lot for work so I'm the sole parental figure for her. I don’t try to force my step daughter to spend time with me but sometimes I do suggest we go shopping, watch a movie, etc. especially when her dad travels out town for a few days. I’m always shut down.

This brings me to last week, I had to go in her room to put more towels in her bathroom and she’s been a little down because her boyfriend broke up with her. I knock and she lets me in and I see she’s watching “Love is Blind” and I say “Oh I’m watching this right now with Anna (my niece), I’m an episode behind you but I’d love to watch it with you.”

She ignores me and I put the towels up in her bathroom and when I’m leaving I say “I have snacks downstairs, I also got new face masks if you want to try them out or we can just talk if you want someone to vent to” because we’re both into skin care and I know how hard a teenage breakup is."

She pauses her TV and says “stop f**king trying to be my mom, I don’t like you, you’re just my dad's wife. I have a mom and you mean nothing to me so stay the hell out of my life and stop trying to get me to do things with you, I want nothing to do with you, weirdo” she shoos me out of her room and slams the door in my face. I will admit that I cried a little.

My niece/god daughter is graduating high school this year and when we were watching Love is Blind, she said she would love to go to a beach because she’s never been and go on a good vacation before she starts college so we started making plans. I’m paying for both of us. Her mom says she wants to go and she’ll pay for herself.

My niece also asked if her best friend could come and I said I’d cover the hotel and plane but her parents will have to pay the rest. Yesterday when I was searching and calling around for hotels and amenities and things to do she comes down and hears me. Her dad walked in and she goes “are we going on a vacation” he says “I don’t think so…are we ‘Sarah’?”

I say “I’m taking my sister, niece, and her friend as a graduation present” and she asks her dad if she can go and he asks why I didn’t ask her and I say “we made this plan when I asked her if she wanted to watch a show with me and my niece and she told me I’m not her mom and she doesn’t want to do things with me and she wants nothing to do with me.”

They tried to make excuses and I say “I can’t be your parent/friend when you want me to do things for you but you treat me like crap any other time” She went and called her mom and her mom called me and I explained what happened and what was said. She was shocked about what her daughter said to me but she understood completely.

She told my step daughter that she will take her on a trip when she graduates but she missed out by acting that way and she can’t force me to take her my husband says I should get over it and take her. I don’t think I’m in the wrong.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions in response.

Impressive_Belt474 wrote:

NTA but I am curious why you would marry someone with a kid that clearly does not like you. That’s a sh**ty deal either way and it’s telling when the parent doesn’t care enough to at least try to fix the problem beforehand. Based off the husband’s response, he enables your SD’s behavior so not sure how you expect all this to play out.

OP responded:

She was not so open about not liking me until she hit 13. We were cordial? That feels like something I’d say about two adults but I knew that she wanted to be left alone because her parents had divorced and I know how hard it is because my parents got divorced so I did not pressure her into talking to me.

I hope this is making sense but when she was 11 I was not being verbally ass*ulted like this. She just really kept her distance and kept conversations a minimum.

Internet_Wanderer wrote:

I love when spoiled children run up against the consequences of their actions. You're better than I am OP. I wouldn't even give her another chance. She hates me? Great, no more presents, money for field trips, allowances, favorite meals made by me, or anything else really.

If she decides to, she could try and earn back my regard, but I tend to ignore people that hate me. And once she turns 18 I would start treating her as an adult I don't like. But I'm also a vindictive bastard

OP responded:

I have thought about going down that route after she said that but I am also a kid of divorce parents and I know how hard it can be when your parents start dating someone new, so I never fed her for that because I was the ones in that position. But I feel like she is 16 now and she says what she says she can mean what she say so she has to deal with those actions.

gvrnmntcheese wrote:

One of the reasons your step daughter acts the way she does is because your husband looks the other way when she insults you. She has a right to her feelings but blatant disrespect should be called out by her father. Her mother certainly understood and supported.

He likely doesn't want to deal with her surliness and pouting. Her awful behavior is making him uncomfortable so he wants you to fix it. You are doing the right thing. You don't even have to keep talking about it. Just go about your business and the step daughter will either learn a lesson or double down.

benderama5000 wrote:

This. The husband is the main problem in this entire situation. I'd guess the daughter is still mad at dad for leaving mom and in turn dad does absolutely nothing to parent the kid only spoil her to keep her happy with him.

Life_Barnacle_4025 wrote:

Nope, not in the wrong. I would have told you to give her a little leeway if she had been 13-14, but she is almost 16 and you have been in her life since she was 11. She is old enough to know that you don't treat people like crap and get rewarded for it. Even her mom is on your side, take comfort in that.

OP jumped on with an update the next day.

UPDATE: I took some of the peoples advice, and I had to sit down with her, her father and her mother to talk about boundaries and clear rules of what I will not tolerate anymore. I am still standing firm that I am not taking her on this trip, because I am not going to award bad behavior and verbally ab*sing and I don’t want to deal with that on the trip.

I do not want to be miserable on a trip that’s for my niece and celebrating her graduating. When my husband goes out of town, she will be staying with her grandmother or mother, I will no longer be parenting her here since she does not want me to do anything for her and I will not until her attitude changes I said that maybe she needs to go back to therapy and her mother and dad agreed.

I told her once again that I know she has a mother and doesn’t need another and that was never my goal to try and come in and replace her mom, I just wanted to be a parental figure. My husband did apologize for not having my back and controlling this behavior before. I said that I may not be her mom but I am her father’s wife and I need basic respect. She doesn’t have to like me but I won’t tolerate her disrespect.

They both asked her to apologize for what she said and she said scoffed and rolled her eyes. She stormed off and her mother and father went after her to scold her. We also agreed to go to family therapy. I told them that I will not be asking her to do things with me like go to the mall or look for a birthday present for her dad but if she comes to me with a changed attitude then I will be more than happy to do so.

Her mother said she will be talking to her privately about how her actions have consequences and that this was a small thing compared to what may happen in the real world.

I do realize I should have been more vocal about the mistreatment but I didn’t want her to dislike me anymore than she did but I see that was not the correct decision and hopefully we can come to so sort of… I can’t think of the word or phrase but we can be cordial.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

Salty-Dragonfly2189 wrote:

I am a divorced father and happily remarried and my son lives with us. If my son EVER spoke to another person like that, let alone his step mother then there would be hell to pay in my home. I’m talking all privileges gone, extra chores, and some type of meaningful apology. Sounds to me like she needs to learn how to treat people. Prolly why boyfriend broke up with her too.

VonShtupp wrote:

NTA - Step parenting is a crap deal. We are supposed to love them and treat them like they are our own…but not like we are a parent. We are supposed to take on the financial and legal responsibilities but have no actual say in what they do in our home. And the child is allowed to run the relationship and therefore the household.

I love my SS but that is in spite of my husband, who swore to me he was a great father who would support me. I tell any and all of my friends and acquaintances not to marry people with kids. Just don’t do it.

mignyau wrote:

Sh**ty teens can grow up into good adults only if they’re also taught by good adults and experience consequences for being sh**ty. Sh**ty teens who don’t become s**tty adults.

I don’t like how so many people just go “oops they’re just dumb minors forgive them” when the whole point of raising said minors is to teach them in a safe environment that some behaviours are unacceptable. OP establishing boundaries for basic decency isn’t the same as her refusing to feed or house her.

41flavorsandthensome wrote:

The kid’s mom sounds like a good one. She and OP seem to have some good communication going on. Yay! OP’s dad sounds like he’s mad he’ll have to “babysit” while OP is on vacation. Seriously? I don’t think I could be married to such a bum.

Also, I’m glad OP isn’t taking the kid on this trip. We all know the trip would be ruined when the stepdaughter pulls “you’re not my mom” out of her a*s, then gets mad because she’s not catered to.

stacity wrote:

Husband is lacking as a parent. He basically married a babysitter to take care of his daughter while he’s away a lot and reap the rewards. OP definitely got the short end of the stick with this arrangement.

OP definitely did the right thing by establishing boundaries, and showing her stepdaughter that actions have consequences.