'My wife cheated on me with our son's baseball coach. I'm still madly in love.' UPDATED 3X

No one wants their well-established life to unravel into shreds.

In a popular post on the Daddit subreddit, a man shared the saga of discovering his wife's affair. He wrote:

"My wife cheated on me with our son's baseball coach."

Been married 8 years. 5 & 6 year old kids. I've been madly in Love the whole time as she's an AMAZING person and mother. Literally keeps the family together and is just... spectacular. Truly. She was showing me something on her phone and I saw a text come in saying "I love you more!" and I asked who it was.

She explained it was a coworker that she's been helping out and I thought nothing more of it. That day we had a lot of family over to celebrate our daughter's birthday and it was a wonderful time. Some stayed overnight so the next day after a wonderful weekend getting company out and putting the kids down my wife said she needs to tell me something.

Well, that "I love you more" was not from her coworker. (Well, at least not the one she explained it was, but I'm not sure because she's not sharing any details regarding the other person).

She told me that 6 months ago when I was in a dark place and have since come out of (no dr*gs except weed and booze, which we both partake) she found love in someone else. love I wasn't providing in our relationship.

"If I have feelings for someone else, I'm not sure that I should be married. It's not fair to you or me. I never planned for this to happen, but now that it's a reality, we need to deal with it."

She explained that she wasn't looking for someone else, it just happed. A friendship that bloomed into more. She's also told me that they have not been intimate, and explained that as a s*xual relationship.

She says life is too short, and she wants to be happy. She's proud of all the changes I've made and I've always been a good dad, but I've grown into a great daddy and my kids and I have never been closer. But she wants to be 100% happy and the changes I've made haven't gotten her there, so she seeking elsewhere.

She says this person may not be the 100% answer. She worries that I'm at the best I can be and it's not enough, yet she's not giving me specifics. We've had a beautiful loving relationship. we are know to be well out together and have our s**t in line. We'd be the last couple that folks would think this is happening to.

So, I'm devastated. absolutely totally ripped apart and don't know what to do. We own a house together that we're making payments on, I carry no debt besides said home and she's in the same position. We had a perfect life together and I'm suddenly being blindsided by this 6 month relationship where she has feelings and thinks it's best we split.

I have no idea how to move forward. I've told her she needs to let her family know what's going on, so I can tell mine. it's her cat to let out of the bag. I'm just so sad for our kids. When we were dating and in marriage, cheating was the one thing that would break us.

We both come from broken families, and it was something I never wanted for our kids. I just...and so hollow and broken. She is/was my everything and am so thankful for the 10 years we've been together. But I think the writing is on the walls and I'm helpless. It's all up to her. I'm broken into a million pieces.

The internet was quick to offer advice and support.

rmorlock wrote:

It's the walk away wife syndrome. Get a lawyer. Gets some therapy. REMEMBER SHE HAS BEEN PROCESSING THIS FOR MONTHS. You've had a few days. This is why you need a lawyer. They will help you make better decisions.

OP responded:

It just happened last night. I'm still processing.

djguerito wrote:

I feel you brother, but this person is right, get a lawyer right now. Emotions will run high, but you need to lay rational and legal groundwork. That all aside, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Try to remember that through what comes next. Life will be wonderful when you are with someone who loves you the way you love them.

marcuse0 wrote:

She's not the amazing person you think she is if she can drop this on you after 6 months of cheating on you. You say you always talked about how cheating was a big issue for you, and she's gone and crossed that line and is happy with dragging you over it too against your will.

She's acted entirely to suit her own needs and completely disregarded yours.

I will say that if this has been going on, I'm not sure if the view of your relationship as perfect is quite accurate, at least from her perspective.

People don't cheat for no reason, but that doesn't mean it'll be a good reason (or that it's justified). What I would do is seek advice from professionals, both for your mental wellbeing and legally if she's intent on divorce. Remember that even if she's unhappy, she's the one who's been unfaithful and doesn't have a moral leg to stand on here.

kingofthenorthwpg wrote:

Get a lawyer. A lot of people will post advice regarding this. Remember every jurisdiction is different. Get a therapist. This is going to be a really difficult time for the foreseeable future. However, it is something that you will get through. Probably want to get therapy for your children as well. This will be a difficult transition period for them.

In response to your overall post, remember that you and your children will “get over” this at some point. Two happy homes will be better than one home that had a person who was unhappy. While your wife has done something that has hurt you deeply, do your absolute best to not villanize her in front of your children.

OP responded:

Thank you. I'll never villanize her in front of the kids. We're a collective front. I want the best for them always and have Always shown them to be courteous and kind. Hell, I made her coffee and warmed the car up for her this morning. Worse case, I had 8 beautiful years with an amazing human. I will always show her respect and be an example for our kids. I hate this so much.

Five months later, OP jumped on with an update.

She was caught by me catching a text at my daughter's birthday party come in that said 'I love you more!' when I asked what that was about she said it was a co-worker she's been helping. Because we had all our family and friends there, I didn't push it. Later the next day she came clean and said that she's been in a relationship for 6 months (this was back in October).

She refused to tell me who it was with or what they've done. I was devastated. Absolutely destroyed. Still am. So we spent some time apart and she continued her relationship with him. I did some digging in the mean time and looking at the phone records it was our son's coach. I called her out on it and she still continued the relationship.

I saw a lawyer and he told me to not leave the house or the kids and either try to work it out or time to leave and to see a therapist. My therapist says she's a narcissist and that I should protect myself, protect my kids and run. Come December, she said she had cut it off with him and wanted to try again. I gave her all the effort in the world, but I don't feel like her souls been in it.

She's not over compensating or has even truly apologized for what she's done. I've also gotten access to her photos (I'm the admin on the family Google account) and she doesn't know that I've seen all I have. She framed a picture of him and had it (maybe still does) at her Desk, I found naked selfies she's sent him that I haven't even received.

I found a picture of his naked a*s in our Beach Condo which I thought was natural space as we were nothing sharing it during our time apart. I slept on those same sheets.

I know that she was at a fancy restaurant with someone else, she screenshots all these deep love quotes that I know aren't about me....so much that loves rent free in my head. She has a white bracelet with one black bead that she now wears every day. I've called her out on it. She lied once and said it was from her mom, and up to last week said well my best friend has the matching one.

Well, her affair partner wears an all black one with one white bead. I know what that represents. Again, she doesn't know I've seen all these things. So now to current day, I can't place it find anything that suggests that she's still with him, but I know she used snap chat often and is secretive with her phone.

Whenever I bring up the affair this blow up because I said I'd try to not bring it up and get over it, but I simply can't. I'm not rubbing it in, but it does come up when we argue which is almost every week. we do really well for a bit, up to and including intimacy, but then something happens and we go back to s**t.

She cancelled our babysitter for trivia this past Tuesday, and for this Friday where I got tickets for us to see a show, but she doesn't want to go because I can't get over her affair. Her parents (mom and stepfather) both cheated on their spouses for each other and support my wife and both call and text me that it's unfair that I bring up her affair.

The pictures of him life rent free in my head almost constantly. I can't get past what she's done now matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do as she's trying to make me the bad guy and I'm like...I've been here the whole time. I didn't fall in love with someone else. I just don't understand and am an emotional train wreck.

The comments of warning and support came flowing in.

One_Relationship3169 wrote:

So you live somewhere that has at fault divorces? If so use the evidence against her, if not still use the evidence to help speed up the divorce. It doesn’t sound like she loves you at all just needed you at the moment. The AP may have broke it off and you are safety net. It doesn’t seem like you will get over this betrayal. So it’s time to move on without her.

OP responded:

Unfortunately no. I'm In MD and my lawyer says the laws just changed.

One_Relationship3169 responded:

So you have a lawyer? You started the divorce process? If so have you asked her to leave?

OP responded:

I've had consultations. I have not officially started the process, and no I haven't asked her to leave. I don't want to do that to the kids...but maybe I should ask her to. We have the condo just a few mins away.

I haven't left because she's a teacher and has to leave before I get the kids on the bus , then I go to work. I have to be around as her job doesn't allow her to. My lawyer has also stated that this fact would be helpful in custody matters.

Razzzy_Turtle wrote:

I hope you find indifference and leave her. You’re fighting a losing battle.

OP responded:

I'm trying. It's painful, but I think I'm there. I appreciate your words.

Prestigious_Past2701 wrote:

Wow her mom and stepdad are affair partners to each other, biased much? You should follow the therapist's advice and run with your kids. Narcissistic people will never see themselves in the wrong...like ever. My wife's ex is Narcissistic and he never calls his kids and they have abandoned him because of it and took me as their dad.

I've tried to give him the best opportunity to have a relationship with his kids and he's never chosen to take it up. This will be an advantage for you, she will be so caught up in her own crap that she won't care about anything else.

OP responded:

Very biased. The crazy thing is my wife and spoke a billion times about cheating because we've both grown up in broken homes because of it.

My dad and literally both her parents and her stepdad.

AtePasha wrote:

You didn't listen to your therapist's advice, and you won't listen to the advice of those here either. You're waiting for your life to magically return to normal. If you don't address your issues of codependency and low self-esteem, your life will continue to deteriorate.

OP responded:

I'm listening, I just wanted to try. I had to. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I just gave up. But I'm starting to realize it's done and I can't get over her actions. I've tried to, but I simply can't and her and her family are guilty tripping me for not being able to forgive her.

Literally "Are you so unforgiving?" Like...if you only knew what I know. What I have hard evidence of.

What a mess.

Timfairweather wrote:

If she asks why you are so unforgiving, maybe take that opportunity to say, "I do not know fully what I am to forgive, as you have not disclosed the facts."

OP responded:

Her mom asked me that, simply on the base that I know she had an affair, and said the love word. Not the selfies, the framed photo, the s*x, the dates, the emotional disconnect. Just surface s**t. None of her support system knows what I know.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

Welp, long story short, I literally just caught her at the family condo with the AF and have photos and video of his truck, his belongings in the home, and her coming out of the Master where he stayed behind a closed door.

I also went into our shared car that she drove and it was left unlocked in the parking garage with an open high noon on the cup holder and her wallet and belongings still in it. She came home and tried to talk. It was calm conversation but she kept saying it was my fault and if I communicated with her last night (I gray rocked her 🪨) maybe she wouldn't have been with him.

So I communicated that I will be home later this afternoon/evening, so she's unexpectedly watching the kids today. I wanted to hang with them, as she took them away from me yesterday to go do activities and I would do separate activities today, however I'm not emotionally able to give the kids the best of me right now and I definitely don't want to be around her.

I asked if she could sleep in a kid's room and she got upset and stated that our bed is her bed and she will sleep where she wants. I said obviously...I've been for a 6 mile walk already and have been calling and leaving VMs at all the lawyers around.

I know I can't abandon the home but I can't be around them after what I just saw this am. THANK ALL OF YOU who responded earlier this week and suggested Gray Rock and 180 for me. I implemented them and I guess it drove her to this. But I'm officially divorcing her and there's no going back. Thank you so much SI crew.

Soon after posting, OP shared another update.

UPDATE: Legal counsel told me to no contact her, so that's what I'm doing. She texted me last night all about how she hasn't asked for a second chance even though I've given them and she loves me and she now is willing to do therapy and share her locations and access to her phone and can't see rocking on the porch with at 80...yadda yadda. When I got home last night she was in the Master so I slept upstairs.

This AM, no communication. She wouldn't even look at me. Yesterday, when I caught them with video, I saw his hat and it noticed it was a local landscaper. So I called to see if he worked there. He does. Ok thanks. That was it. This MF just called me saying if I want to talk to him here's his number, don't call my boss. I said I have nothing to say to you.

He replied and I have nothing to say to you and hung up. Also her Mom reached out and said how I must be devastated and she's so sorry and to call her when I have a chance. I'm going to continue my no contact with everyone and let my lawyer (once I secure one) do all the talking. This is so d*mn hard! 🪨

And the comments came flowing in.

Agile_Opportunity41 wrote:

Blow up the baseball coaches life. Tell his partner and the league and all the parents of the team. Nobody will want their kids coached by him.

OP responded:

My wife is his SO. He's divorced because his wife cheated on him.

MongooseLoud wrote:

So the lesson he learned from being cheated on was to cheat with another man's wife and break up another marriage.

OP responded:

Right? How absolutely sh**ty. Kids involved too...

Sarcasmisntdead wrote:

Be sure to tell your kids why you are splitting don’t let her paint the narrative speak to a counselor on how to tell them the truth or she is going to paint you as the bad guy…

OP responded:

Yeah. I need to get back to my therapist.

TaiwanBandit wrote:

but I'm officially divorcing her and there's no going back It is time OP. Your first post about her cheating and telling you she wanted more was 5 months ago. You have tried to save the marriage while she continues to spend time with him. She shows no remorse and is shifting the blame to make this your fault. Her family supports her because she is spinning the narrative to make this all your fault.

They need to know the truth, as does your family and friends. If AP has a wife or SO that person needs to know. Your mission in life now is to take care of your yourself so you can be the best father possible for your kids. They need you to be there for them.

They will see you are the stable parent and someday realize your wife's affair has impacted their life forever. They will now be sharing time separately with each of their parents. Holidays will never be the same again. Your wife caused this, not you. Don't let her get away with blaming you. Hire a good lawyer and take their advice. Sorry it came to this OP, but time to let her go.

OP responded:

Thank you for following this terrible journey of mine and always sharing your thoughts.

We're in the endgame now.

Ally2502 wrote:

You did not do anything to drive her to do this, that is BS! She never stopped her affair. She is a morally flawed manipulator and gaslighter that has used you and emotionally abused you. Please, start letting people know about her cheating. Family and friends need to know or, the master manipulator she is, she will turn this around on you.

And does that mean she has moved him into family condo? This, all of this will come in handy in the custody, child care and alimony proceedings, even if MD is not “at fault” state. Keep all the evidence where she cannot destroy it.

Keep your head clear. Do not drink. Record your interactions with her. Reach out to friends and family. Let people, especially men whose children that human garbage coaches what he has done. I doubt his wife cheated. You are doing great! You deserve better than this!

OP is in between a rock and a hard place, but it sounds like he's doing what he needs to move forward.