'My wife is addicted to the gym and it’s ruining our marriage.' UPDATED 5X

If your gut is telling you something's off, it's best to investigate. Best case scenario, you're wrong and can chill.

In a popular post on the True Off My Chest subreddit, a man asked for advice on how to confront his pregnant wife about her gym addiction. He wrote:

"My wife is addicted to the gym and it’s ruining our marriage."

My wife is 30 years old and she’s always worked out and been in shape, but lately I feel like it’s becoming excessive. She used to regularly work out at a gym when she was in college. At some point she stopped going to the gym, I think lately just due to her schedule, and preferred to work out at home or go for runs outside.

About 18 months ago she announced she was going to get back into the habit of going to the gym. She now had a job where she’s able to make more time for it. It started off normal, but slowly became more and more frequent. She signed up for classes on the weekend (both days), she started going to the gym every day, then it became the morning before work and then again later in the evening.

Every single day. If she’s stressed, she goes to the gym. Experience some sort of life crisis. She immediately heads to the gym. We have an argument - runs to the gym. She’s 4 months pregnant right now. I’m kind of surprised we even had time to make a kid. I understand that it’s safe for her to work out, especially since she was already in the habit of doing it before she got pregnant, but the intensity is not slowing.

If she misses one of her normal gym session she becomes so irritable, like a junkie not getting her fix. It’s just bizarre. Truly a case of too much of a good thing. Of course she gets upset when I voice that I feel it’s becoming an unhealthy obsession and that I miss spending time with her because she’s there so much.

She has all of these friends and this whole circle of people there that she seems to prefer spending time with over me. Why don’t we work out together at the gym? The gym is her time, she says. This isn’t a case of me feeling insecure because she’s in great physical shape and I’m a fat slob. I work out and am in shape - my job really requires me to stay in shape so I can’t let myself go if I want to.

I genuinely feel her gym habits are unhealthy. She’s over exercising, for one. There is such a thing. But worse than that, I feel it’s becoming a way for her to escape everything else in her life. She never actually fixed anything that goes wrong in her life. She just runs off to the gym to get some sort of mood boost and then that’s it.

She also never gets anything else done in a practical sense because how can she when she’s at the gym so often? It’s to the point where I have to do every chore and if food is getting made I’m going to have to do it. I don’t expect her to do all of those things, but it should at least be a shared effort.

People we know have even commented about it to me. They’ve said things about how she seems different, how she “sure is at the gym a lot,” and many of her friends and family barely see her anymore. Some have even suggested she’s having an affair with somebody there. Please tell me that this doesn’t sound normal to you. She insists this is perfectly normal.

Internet commenters had a lot to say in response to OP's quandary.

manfredmannclan wrote:

My guess would be that she is overwhelmed by life and that she escapes to the gym. She has probably always been a control freak and now that life does life things, she has a hard time not being in control. You are always in control at the gym.

Same reason why bodybuilding attracts control freaks.

OP responded:

Yes, she is somebody who is overwhelmed with life. A very stressed out person. Somebody who worried about everything. Her job is extremely stressful to her and she’s been on the verge of true breakdowns because of it multiple times. They’re actually the ones who told her she had to do something to deal with her stress, which was part of the reason she started going to the gym.

FullOfFalafel wrote:

Something is going to have to give. You can't have a stressful job, go to the gym 3 hours per day and raise a baby. She can't run off to the gym every time the kid throws a temper tantrum.

OP responded:

With how early small kids need to go to bed, she would only ever see our child on weekends if she plans to try to keep the same gym schedule she has now.

Both-Pickle-7084 wrote:

There was a 9-mo pregnant woman working out at my crossfire gym and she was back 3 weeks post-birth. You can't even tell she was pregnant.

OP responded:

Doing CrossFit 3 weeks after birth? I feel like the most they’d really be medically cleared to do would be very light exercise.

Correct-Praline-4950 wrote:

Okay the people thinking it's an affair is one thing but I think it's more likely this: I saw this post and actually thought of myself at one point. I used to spend 3 hours at the gym over 2 sessions some days and run 30-40 miles a week.

If I missed my run or someone changed plans on me, I would be very annoyed and have to "make it up" another day often overworking myself and just stressed/can't enjoy things until I get my workout in.

Based on what you said, I do think she is addicted to exercise and it is a real thing. I think due to her pregnancy and body changes, the gym and exercise is really how she feels in control. It's an obsession like OCD if that makes sense and over time she will need more exercise to feel that high.

thevaultangel wrote:

Absolutely this. OP you mentioned that she exercises instead of dealing with her problems, I’ve had coworkers say their gym obsession was another form of self harm. Not to mention she’s pregnant, she may feel the need to keep her “figure” as her body undergoes a huge change. A lot of women struggle with pregnancy body changes and gaining weight.

Ten days later, OP posted an update.

I posted not very long ago about my wife’s addiction to the gym. A compulsion, if you will. She spends most of her free time there. She often goes twice a day, and sometimes even 3 times if we have a fight at night and she needs to run off instead of actually talking to me.

She won’t let me go to her gym and she refuses to go to mine. Her gym is her place, my gym is my place, and that’s just the way it has to be according to her. I’d love to have her come along with me. I’ve invited her multiple times. She’s about 18 weeks pregnant right now. This is our first baby.

She worked out like crazy prior to the pregnancy and she continues to just as hard now. I truly didn’t think she was cheating on me. People suggested it in the last thread and I laughed. You can tell she’s at the gym a lot, she’s in great shape. So she’s obviously going there. I felt really confident about the cheating issue and when I posted 9 days ago I wasn’t even considering cheating.

I’m embarrassed to admit that after reading a lot of the comments on my last post, I thought maybe I was being overly confident about her fidelity. She usually always has her phone on her, but she left it in the kitchen counter and as stupid as I felt, I decided to do a quick swipe through her texts.

She had a current text conversation going on with a guy. I recognized the name. The same name of a guy from the gym she mentions a lot. She’s friends with a lot of people there, went to one of their weddings last fall. I wasn’t too terribly concerned until I started reading the texts. Never wanted to know what the guy’s dick looked like, but I know now.

She was only out of the room for literally about a minute or two, so I had to scroll fast. I was furious. I asked her what the f&*k that conversation was about. She started yelling at me for looking at her phone. I told her she’s acting so weird and the gym obsession was really bothering me so I just decided to look, and was ashamed that I did, but that’s I thought I’d find nothing all.

She said “it’s nothing! It’s nothing!” Didn’t look like nothing to me. She sure seemed pretty interested in this “nothing.” I wanted to know if she’s been f&*king him. For how long? She kept saying no. I left the house because I was so furious, but not before I slammed her phone on the ground and shattered it.

She was calling me all sorts of names for breaking her phone. She hit me on the back as hard as she could. I left. Went to my brother’s house. My brother and sister in law were shocked, although my sister in law was one of the most vocal ones about my wife’s gym obsession being weird and bringing it up to me constantly.

I went home. She was in bed crying. She obviously couldn’t call me or anyone else for that matter. She was laying it on thick, “I don’t know if you’d ever come home.” Give me a break. I took her phone to get repaired tonight. She doesn’t deserve it but I still feel like an a*s breaking her phone. I still don’t know how deep it goes. She won’t admit to anything beyond what I saw.

Was it s*xting (bad enough) or more? I’m convinced it was a lot more, but she refuses to hand over her phone and is now trying to act like I’m this terrible monster who is ab*sing her because I broke her phone. Not my proudest moment, but I honestly wanted to body slam her after she punched me. I have never and would never actually touch her like that.

The internet had OP's back all the way after this update.

QueenMother81 wrote:

DNA testing…she absolutely is a liar.

OP responded:

She still will only admit to what I saw. I don’t know what’s been going on, but it’s definitely more than what I saw.

lostboysgang wrote:

Grown adults don’t see each other every day and only s*xt.

Sorry brother.

OP responded:

Agreed. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it than what I saw.

kelsnuggets wrote:

I’m so invested in your story. I’m so sorry to read this update, man. I really was hoping for it to be just an unhealthy way to deal with being pregnant. Please update us again.

OP responded:

The “gym obsession” started before she was pregnant, so I never thought it had anything to do with just a way to cope with pregnancy.

ProfPlumDidIt wrote:

Lawyer up.

Odds are 50/50 at best that the kid is yours.

Don't believe a word she says without irrefutable proof.

Accurate-Neck6933 wrote:

I wonder if he knows she has a husband.

OP responded:

He met me. Last summer he called her to come get him from a bar because he drank too much and couldn’t drive. It was really late at night, so I said there was no way she was going alone to pick some drunk guy from the gym up from a bar all by herself. I went with her.

State_Conscious wrote:

So he was in an extremely intoxicated state, likely horned up as a lot of drunk people are, and a person from his gym was the only friend he could reach out to for a ride? Not a cab/uber? Not a personal friend? Not a family member? That was a late night “you up?” Text that got caught. Notice how it didn’t happen outside of that one instance…..that’s because they learned to be more covert.

OP responded:

At the time, I questioned her about why he’d call her. She said “I told all my friends they could always call me in these situations since I’m usually always sober.” She doesn’t like alcohol. I told her I didn’t really want her doing that anymore late at night. There I was being more concerned about her safety going to pick somebody up in the middle of the night. F#$k!!!

Dangerous_Call_1176 wrote:

Listen man, I can say with almost 80-90% certainty that she's been cheating. She's gaslighting you and trying to play victim, plus it was that easy for you to find that text conversation so quickly. No telling what else she's hiding.

And I speak from experience because I was in a d*mn near identical situation and it was impossible to get her to say the truth. But I found out by putting 2 and 2 together, and over time people I know told me the truth. It's ridiculous how similar this situation is to mine.

OP responded:

He was the second most recent person she’d texted and he had sent the d**k pic that day! There were constant messages going back and forth. It’s obvious they text all day every day for who knows how long.

Accurate-Neck6933 wrote:

OP please update us again in a week. We'd love to hear if you got more info out of her. Also, there's no way you two can be staying in the same house?

OP responded:

We’re in the same house. I have places to go if I want to. I’m choosing to be an AH and not leave the house that’s in mine name that I own. Can’t think of where she’d go since she doesn’t really have family and friends out here.

The next day, OP shared another update.

Today my wife asked me to stay home from work so we could “talk.” She laid in bed all day yesterday trying to get me to feel sorry for her, but I paid absolutely no attention to her and ended up leaving the house to go to my family’s Super Bowl party.

I wasn’t in the mood to go but I wasn’t going to sit at home with her. It really bothered her that I left. She kept texting me things like “Who just leaves like that? When something like this is happening, who is that cold and callous that they just leave to go to a party.” I stayed home today to talk to her. She was full of tears, she’s “so sorry.”

According to her, she really was going to the gym twice a day because she likes going there, that’s where her friends are, makes her feel good, it’s “fun” for her. She met this guy there and he started flirting with her. Everyone likes him. He’s one of the most popular guys there. I didn’t realize there were popular people at gyms. She admitted that she flirted back but didn’t mean anything by it.

She didn’t reciprocate very much at first, but he gave her “butterflies” and she just found herself flirting back without thinking. She said it felt like when she had a crush on somebody when she was in school when she was younger. They started texting. At first it was just friendly and nothing sexual for several months, but she’d feel giddy every time she got a message from him.

She was really attracted to him, but told him that she was married and there could never actually be anything between them. According to her, he kept flirting with her anyway and said “sure, we won’t cross the line.” Until they did cross the line. She said she had tried to resist it for a while, but then one day they kissed.

She admitted to enjoying it but also feeling that it was wrong. She must not have felt that bad because she slept with him for the first time later that night. She described it like falling in love with somebody for the first time. All she could think about what him. Is she in love with him? She doesn’t know. Is this baby mine? She thinks so but there’s always a small chance it could be his.

He always uses a condom so she doesn’t think it’s his baby but they were sleeping together at the time she got pregnant. She loves me. She can’t help that there’s just this huge spark between the two of them.nShe doesn’t know if she loves him. She doesn’t know if the baby is mine. She doesn’t know why she did this. She doesn’t know what she thinks we should do.

The nail in the coffin is when she said “You would really leave me if it’s not your baby would you?” She had the balls to ask me that. I told her of course I’m leaving her and I wouldn’t raise another man’s child. She seemed shocked. She said “really? With everything we have and all our history, you wouldn’t even consider it?” She can’t be serious. I told her no I would never consider it.

She agreed to get a DNA test. She tearfully agreed, like I’m supposed to feel sorry for her about it? I don’t know who this woman is. She was crying the whole time, but not tears of an ashamed or sorry person. They were tears for herself and meant to try to make me feel bad. Feel bad for what? That her heart is apparently so torn?

People had a lot to say in response to the update.

TTIsurvivors wrote:

She still thinks there is hope to save your relationship? Jesus Christ.

OP responded:

Yeah, I believe she still thinks there’s a chance I’ll agree to raise another man’s child with her. She doesn’t take me seriously when I say there’s no way I’d do that. She is dependent on me. She probably wouldn’t leave me if I knocked somebody else up and wanted her to play mommy.

I know that sounds terrible and it’s nothing I’d ever do but I feel like she’d be mad and she’d go screw somebody else to get back at me but she probably would be too scared to actually leave me. I don’t feel the same way about leaving her. I’m sad to leave her. I don’t want this to be our reality.

I can’t even say that I completely hate her yet. But I won’t raise another man’s child. If she feels so strongly about that guy and he’s so wonderful, go get together with him then and leave everyone else alone.

Leather-Bag3959 wrote:

The good news is she has given you all the information you need to make the right decision. All the extra detail she provided is exactly what was needed to make it absolutely clear that you cannot stay with this person one second longer. Even if the child is yours, there is no way you should stay married.

Many people co-parent and it's better to do that then stay with this person.

As much as this no doubt hurts you, on the bright side it's really great that she removed the cloud of uncertainty that inevitably comes with situations like this.

You know what you need to do, now you just have to do it. That doesn't mean this is going to be easy, in fact it's probably going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life, but you now know with absolute certainty that ending this marriage is the right thing to do.

OP responded:

She’s ruined my life, but I just feel numb right now. I barely feel anything at the moment. It would have been bad enough for her to have an affair and cheat on me. But she couldn’t have stopped when she found out she was pregnant?

At least I could have walked away if it wasn’t for this pregnancy. Maybe a still can, but I won’t know for sure until I get some test results. She’s almost positive the baby is mine. I'm stuck dealing with her forever then.

My child will grow up with divorced parents. Their mom will be the gym bike. Maybe she’ll even take off to live near her family and take my kid with her. Oh but then she couldn’t be near the guy who gives her butterflies and fucks her in gym changing rooms. The thrill, the excitement, how can I even blame her? She’s ruined fatherhood for me, whether this is my kid or not.

If by some chance this isn’t my baby and I’m able to completely break free, how will I not think of this one day when I start a family? I was so f#$king happy to have this baby with her. I was really excited, even though we hadn’t planned for it right now. We have names picked out. I’ve been there for everything and now she does this to me. Not only me, but this poor kid regardless of who their father is.

Jumpfr0ggy wrote:

100% no fixing or forgiving this. On another note, you may think you don’t need therapy and that you can manage (this was me) but much later down the line when you in a new relationship, this s**t will rear its head when you least expect it. Like someone here said, it’s trauma.

Its betrayal trauma and important that you talk about it to someone and how she made you feel and acknowledge that this was something you didn’t deserve and that you are worthy of someone awesome that WONT do this to you one day. If you can work through it in the right way then you don’t give her the power to infiltrate your future chance of happiness.

OP responded:

She claims they’ve been sleeping together since the summer. Thats just what she claims, of course.

AusFrosty wrote:

That’s crazy- has she always been so self-absorbed?

OP responded:

I didn’t think so. Maybe I blissfully ignored red flags because I loved her. This doesn’t even seem like the person I married.

Life_gets_better2023 wrote:

"She said “really? With everything we have and all our history, you wouldn’t even consider it?" You should have asked her, "With everything we have and all our history, you still had s*x with another man?" You deserve a lot better. Is she still in contact with him? Is she still going to that gym?

OP responded:

She’s probably still in contact with him, but she hasn’t been to the gym since Saturday morning. She told me he really wasn’t there and she went because it’s her happy place where she’s not stressed. I told her that I hope she realizes that I can’t believe a word she says anymore. All trust is broken.

LlyodBriar wrote:

I think it's way past the point of obvious that she's been lying since the very beginning and has been continuing to lie to you. She's clearly a pathological liar and has emotionally and psychologically ab*sed you into complacency and into taking her at face value so that you would never actually leave or question her actions aggressively enough to force her to give way.

It's also obvious that she's not the least bit sorry for what she did as much as she's upset that she got caught. Has she even tried to convince you to stay? Has she said that she'll cut contact with this guy? Has she let you look at her phone again? And, on that note, did you save her texts for your own records?

I hate to say it, but she knows that baby isn't yours and she knows that a paternity test will be the last nail in the coffin for her. She's trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying whether the baby is yours or not. Nothing she's said since the beginning adds up and you need to protect yourself at this point.

Move out for the time being if you can or have her leave and record any and all conversations you have with her about this. Get her to admit in a recording that she cheated because I just have this gut feeling that she's going to use the phone incident in the divorce to rake you over the coals and paint you out to be an ab*sive monster.

I hate to ask this, but what is it that she gets from you to be trying to keep you? Are you the more financially stable one between the two of you? Do you have a prenup? It's clear from everything you've shared so far that she's a professional manipulator. Don't fall for it and protect yourself.

Put distance between you and get your ducks in a row because I guarantee you that when you find out that baby isn't yours all hell is going to break loose and she's going to come for all your worth.

She's had the upper hand in all of this since the beginning and it seems like you're going to have to do overtime just to catch up. Think about what you want your future to look like and protect yourself at all costs. I'm truly sorry that this is happening to you and I hope you heal from this.

OP responded:

She was practically on her knees yesterday saying “I won’t go back to the gym. I won’t ever contact him again.” I feel like that doesn’t really mesh with the fact that she doesn’t even know if she’s in love with him or not. She obviously still has very strong feelings for him, which are probably coming more from between her legs than her actual heart but doesn’t really matter either way to me.

I think despite anything to do with him, she’s dependent on me in a way. For stability, maybe. Just out of comfort, maybe. We’ve been together since she was 20 years old, so I’m just this familiar person I guess. She has her gym friends out here but other than that she has no family or friends out here.

She makes pretty good money, but I make more and all of our benefits are through me. Even with her good salary, it would be difficult to survive on her own as a single mom here with all of the daily living expenses, or at least live anywhere near the level she wants to live at.

OP jumped on with another long update in the comments.

I’m meeting with a lawyer next week and will see what they advise. How can she parade me around when I’ve never been allowed to go to her gym? I’ve met two of the people, a slightly older married couple.

Yes, I met the AP. Last summer he called her because he was drunk at a bar and couldn’t drive home, so he called her to come get him. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to go pick somebody up late at night, so I went with her.

I want her out of the house but I don’t necessarily want her to fly back home to where she’s from just yet. If this is my kid and she gives birth out here I’ll be in a much better position. If she leaves and goes home to her parents, she could very well be allowed to stay there and that would be considered the baby’s place of residence.

She missed a few days of work, but she has gone to work since all of this happened. She was having a meltdown this morning and I left for work. She told me had to go in late today and when she got there everybody was making her food and tea and stuff. She obviously didn’t tell them what really happened.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

My life has been reduced to a trashy daytime talk show. The woman who was once my wife, who I considered a classy woman, has turned into complete trailer trash. Today she announced that she’s moving in with her affair partner from the gym. She’s pregnant, might be his kid, might be mine. She’s too embarrassed to go get blood drawn for a paternity test.

She spent about a week trying to get my attention, to get me to talk to her, to get me to beg her to be mine. I didn’t fall for any of it. I’ve largely been ignoring her and when we have to speak I keep it very brief. We’ve been living together this whole time, but I’m in a different room now and functioning separate from her in all ways.

So, her pouting and trying to get me to pay attention to her and give her a gold star for not going to the gym for 5 days in a row didn’t work. Today she texted me to say she is moving in with him. Somehow I still care about this person. I’ve already met with a lawyer though.

I can care about her as a human being and possible mother of my child without being married to her. Still, it stung to hear her say she was going to be with him. I told her it wasn’t a smart move to leave the house. I’ve even told her she should probably meet with a lawyer. She doesn’t care about anything I have to say. I don’t think she needs to move in with anybody.

I actually feel bad for her that she can’t just be on her own. I asked her if he actually knew she was pregnant and wanted to know what story she’s been telling him this whole time. She said he knows and he doesn’t care if it’s my baby, he loves her and wants to be with her. Bizarre. You can’t find anyone else? Somebody who isn’t a married, pregnant woman?

Why would you take that on? Doesn’t make sense to me. He’s scum but he’s good looking scum who apparently is gainfully employed and owns his own home, so you can’t tell me that my married, pregnant wife is your only option here. I just can’t imagine being a single guy like that and wanting to put up with this baggage when I could have other options.

And if this really is my baby then what? They’ll live with my wife and this weasel 50% of the time? I don’t know how my life turned into this mess. And she thinks it’s embarrassing to have to go get blood drawn?!?!

The internet had a lot of empathy for OP.

Quirky-Afternoon134 wrote:

I would be getting her packing boxes and tape. Leave it at her door with a note. I just thought I would help.

OP responded:

Love that.

pelvic_kidney wrote:

The fact that betrayed men have to worry about paternity testing their children is a unique humiliation that I, as a woman, will never be able to fully appreciate. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're doing everything right. The only exception is, don't give your STBX-wife any legal advice. Don't advise her to not leave the home or get a lawyer.

YOU stay in the home and YOU get a lawyer, but don't help her humiliate you any further. Get a lawyer ASAP, listen to every word s/he says, and get ready to fight for custody or against paternity once your ex gives birth. Your marathon is just beginning, friend. Good luck.

Important_Row_1596 wrote:

I sincerely hope that child isn't yours so you can continue with your life.

OP responded:

Me too.

hd8383 wrote:

It’s damn near impossible in my mind to stop caring for the person you’ve spent the last x number of years with. It’s not a light switch.

But she’ll continue showing you who she is now and it’ll get easier and easier not to care for her.

OP responded:

When I was driving home today, she was out walking our dog. I passed her - she was on the sidewalk and I was in my car. She gave me the middle finger as I drove past.

She’s not taking that dog!

sampa2nyc wrote:

She's pissed because she can no longer manipulate you. You should check out the "Let Them Theory" and the concept of "Radical Acceptance". I think they will help on your road to recovery. Is the dog microchipped? If not, do so asap.

OP responded:

Yes, the dog is microchipped. I already told my lawyer that one of the most important things of that she doesn’t get the dog.

Jarlet91 wrote:

I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but I think "the best" thing that could happen to you is that the baby isn't yours, so you're not tied to her for the rest of your life. I wish you all the best.

OP responded:

I’m praying this is her boyfriend’s baby. This is not the life I want for my child.

A week later, OP shared another update.

My wife moved in with her AP last weekend. She didn’t take very much at all. Most of her stuff is still in our house. I still get the feeling she was just waiting for me to beg her to come home, but I didn’t reach out to her at all after she left.

It was a strange mixture of relief, anger, and sadness. I don’t think I ate at all until last night. Just never felt hungry. Drank a little too much. But I’m fine. I’m posting this update because I’ve received a ton of messages from people and honestly it’s emotionally draining to respond to each one and to have to type the same stuff out.

I just don’t feel like talking about her that much. So this morning she texted me to say her AP wants to get a DNA test done, so she’s going to do it. Look at that, didn’t matter when I wanted one but now that he has requested it she suddenly thinks it’s a great idea. She asked if I wanted to submit a sample because it’ll be cheaper to have 2 dads tested as part of one package.

I don’t even care about the cost at this point, I just want an answer. I don’t have to see or interact with them at all. I just have to make my own appointment with the lab to get my cheek swabbed. So this Saturday I’m going to do that and we should have the results within a week. I’ll take what I can get at this point because it’s better than her dragging this out for another 20 weeks.

So that’s it. I’m fine. I’m going to work every day. Trying to function. Just feel stuck in limbo. I miss her. Honestly, I hate that she’s there with him. It makes me sick. Part of me does want to beg her to come home. It’ll be even worse if I find out that it’s my baby and she’s there with him. Unless he drops her at that news. I won’t let myself beg her. I won’t play any of those games with her.

The comments kept rolling in.

TTIsurvivors wrote:

Have you gotten the paternity test results?

OP responded:

At 11:00 this morning I got the news that I’m the father. I feel incredibly conflicted right now.

jacobe_bryant8 wrote:

Is she asking to come back home? Or is she still planning on staying with the other guy? Regardless this is a rough situation I’m sorry for you bro.

OP responded:

We haven’t talked.

jacobe_bryant8 wrote:

Understandable but I think that you should try and set up a meeting with her somewhere public to discuss the pregnancy and the future in general with her. Whether or not your marriage is going to end the kid is still going to be a big part of your lives so it would be best to see where both of you stand in that regard.

Also I recall you saying earlier that you think that your wife would listen to what her affair partner would say to her (or something similar to that) so now that it’s not his kid I would be concerned about him pressuring her into getting an ab*rtion. So I think you really should talk to your wife about your unborn child and whatnot.

OP responded:

We definitely need to talk, but I got the news in the middle of a work day so I wasn’t in the mood to have a full blown conversation with her. I think I need to sort of wrap my head around the reality of it all before I say too much to her anyway.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

My wife has been having an affair with a guy she met at the gym for at least nearly a year. She’s around 22 weeks pregnant right now. She was somewhere around 17 weeks when I discovered she was cheating. She maintained that she was positive I was the father, but then refused to get a paternity test done to ease my mind.

We recently had a paternity test done (at the request of her affair partner) and it proves the baby is mine. It’s been very mixed emotions for me, very up and down. Originally I thought I just wanted to be completely done with her and not have any lifelong ties in the form of a full blown human being we shared, but I was sort of happy or relieved when I got the results.

I’d already had it in my mind that I was going to be a father for months before I found out she was cheating. Sometimes I just have moments where I can’t believe this is my life, that this is the situation that my kid will be born into and I hate her for it.

She’s still living with him. All of her belongings are still here in our house. I refuse to do the work of packing everything up for her. She doesn’t seem concerned about taking any her things, beyond the essentials. After we got the news that I’m the baby’s father, she texted me to say she’s glad I’m the father and that she knows I’ll be a great dad. She was texting me new baby name ideas last night.

She’s tried calling but I ignore the calls. I only speak with her via text. This morning she asked if she could come by and get a few things. I told her it was fine, as I’ve been advised by my lawyer to not prevent her entry from the home, but I told her that he better not be with her. So who shows up with her? The scumbag boyfriend.

He walks right on into the house behind her like it’s no big deal. She ran upstairs to get the stuff she wanted and he and I were just left standing there in the living room. He told me it wasn’t her fault that he was there. She told him I didn’t want come but he forced his way along. He wanted to talk to me, supposedly, to tell me he “understand how I must be feeling.”

No, you don’t know. He told me he knows I probably don’t believe him, but he genuinely loves her and knew he probably wasn’t the father. He accepts it and then tried to assure me he won’t try to take my place with the baby and hopes we can just get along since we’re both going to be in her life now.

He “promises” that she’s fine, he’s looking after her. I told him that I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what he wanted with a pregnant woman who is having another man’s child, that I found it weird. Then I told him if he didn’t get out of my house I’d p*nch him. I went upstairs and she was trying to find somebody things in the bathroom. I got mad, asked her why she brought him along.

I told her I find it really strange that he still wants to be with her now that he knows he has nothing to do with this baby - and that I refuse to let him have anything to do with my child. She said he talked her into coming and she’s sorry and never meant for any of this to happen but she’s in love with him now. He is supposedly what 30 year old her is looking for, not me.

She’s setting up a nursery in his house and I can set one up at my house and she has no intention of trying to get full custody or anything like that. She doesn’t want to keep me from being involved in my child’s life. How generous of her. She went back downstairs and I followed her and he was still standing there in the living room and I just walked up to him and punched him.

He stumped back and fall into a table. She yelled “What the f#$k?!” and ran over to him. I don’t even care at this point. As if he’s going to call the c*ps? He deserved it and it wouldn’t have happened had he just left like I told him to. Several hours later she texted me to say she was sorry about today.

He really meant what he said and he’s actually a good guy and he cares about her and he respect me. Wtf? He respects me?! He was screwing my wife in the gym locker room! I was like you can’t be serious. She said “Fine! I’m trying to have a mature conversation about this. I can’t help that we fell in love. Believe it or not, I’m not trying to hurt you and I want everything to be amicable.”

This guy stole my wife and he’s stealing my kid too. Sure I’m the actual father but now they’re setting up a nursery together in his house? I’ve tried to not feel jealous or sad. I’ve tried to maintain the thought that he’s the trash man who picked up my garbage. Sometimes I feel that way, but the truth is that I loved her, and still love her. I don’t want to stay married to her on principle alone, but this is devastating to me.

The internet had nothing but support for OP.

Quiet-Ad960 wrote:

Dude is lucky all you did was punch him. They’re both delusional. You’ll be living in the twilight zone coparenting with them, jfc I don’t envy you. It won’t be long before they start cheating on each other.

Wait until after she gives birth and her hormones are out of wack and her s*x drive plummets for several months and she’s moody and tired all the time. Won’t be long before lover boy is banging the next chick at the gym.

OP responded:

There’s the key phrase. “Parenting with them.” It’s a hundred times worse than just co-parenting with my ex-wife. He can say he doesn’t want to interfere all he wants but 1) he’s already interfered and 2) he’ll be living with my kid a good deal of the time.

I don’t want to stay married to my wife after what she did, but I just wish she wasn’t staying with him. I can only hope their relationship fizzles out before the baby is here.

Leather_Bag5939 wrote:

Kills me to read this. The truth is it’s still gonna get worse before it gets better (still). There’s nothing amicable about any of this and it’s clear she is not feeling any of the real consequences so she is operating under the delusions that this can all be “okay.”

Long term, it will be —in the sense that you too come to a way of being that works for both of you—but short term everything is balanced in her favor. Also, it is 100% her fault that they “fell in love”. She invested time and energy into him and the result is what you’re living through now.

It was her decisions that led her to this relationship and she’s trying to pretend it was just some cosmic miracle, this is just about preventing her from dealing with the real nature of her betrayal. She needs to know how awful she has been and how deranged what she did today truly was (and Jesus it was insane to bring him to your house).

My recommendation is to call her parents and spill your guts to them up to and including that she brought him over today (be real and be vulnerable). She needs to feel the pain of her decisions and to have other people tell her she is awful. Stop protecting her and start protecting yourself.

Fine-Geologist_695 wrote:

They won’t stay together long OP, rest assured that it is incredibly rare for an AP relationship to work long. One of them will cheat, become wary/mistrusting or lose interest after the excitement is over.

Fight for full custody, abandonment and cheating is not always worthy but shows lack of moral character and does sway judges. Some states you can sue her and him for loss of companionship too.

TaiwanBandit wrote:

Get a boxing/punching bag and envision his face on it. Punch the hell out of it. Doing it in person will get charges against you and could harm your efforts for 50/50 custody, if that is what you pursue. She is the trash and I feel so bad for what you are going through. You can't make her love you or bring her back. She is gone to him. I doubt it will work out long term. How can he trust a cheater?

Somehow find the inner strength to setup a bedroom for your child and arrange help as needed to care for the baby. Ask your family and friends to help. Let everyone know what she is/has done. Sorry OP. Get the divorce finished, go for all you can get, sue for alienation of affection if allowed in your area. Take care of you. Be the best father ever.

This is a horrible saga for OP, hopefully, he's able to carve out space to heal and move forward.