'AITA for 'sabotaging' my ex's relationship with our son? She's a bad mother!'
"AITA for not telling my ex wife about our son's talent show and then telling her it's not my fault she's ruining her relationship with our kids?"
ProfessionalAerie96 says:
My ex-wife (40F) and I (40M) have two children together: Amy (12F) and Noah (11M). Despite our messy breakup and divorce, we used to be civil, and it was for the best. We got along better than many divorced parents I know. We’ve always shared custody of our children, and my ex-wife had another child soon after our marriage ended.
My ex-wife remarried about three years after our divorce. She and her husband now have three children together, bringing her total to six. I understand that managing a large family can make it difficult to give all the kids individual attention. However, Amy and Noah have increasingly felt like they matter less than their half-siblings.
They’ve mentioned that their half-siblings get one-on-one time with their mom—not just when Amy and Noah are with me—but that they can also ask for time with just her or their dad. Yet, when Amy or Noah ask for time with just their mom, they are told she doesn’t have time or that they should want to spend time with everyone because they aren’t always there.
There’s also been tension regarding how the kids refer to family members. Amy and Noah introduce me and their mom as their parents and refer to their mom’s husband as their stepdad. They also call their half-siblings exactly that—half-siblings.
My ex doesn’t like this. She has told them there should be no “halfs” or “step” labels because they’re all family. She uses the fact that they live with me 50% of the time as a reason they shouldn’t use those terms or want one-on-one time with her. However, she and her other kids openly talk about times when she takes one of them to the arcade or trampoline park when Amy and Noah aren’t there.
Amy, for example, had a Mother’s Day event at her music class. She asked her mom to come, but her mom brought the other girls along so they could have a “girls’ day.” Another time, Amy wanted her mom to drive her to a show she was performing in.
Her mom suggested making it a “family thing,” so Amy asked if I could take the day off work to drive her instead. Since it was my parenting time, and Amy wanted her mom, I said it was fine if she asked her. When her mom refused, Amy asked me, and of course, I agreed. Her mom wasn’t happy about it, but Amy said she didn’t want it to be a family event.
Noah has also faced similar issues. He invited his mom to take part in his cooking classes, but she always wants to bring her husband or some of the other kids. He wanted to celebrate with her over milkshakes after getting a good grade despite the school messing up by not having his aid available for a test (he has dyslexia and requires an aid). His mom insisted it couldn’t be one-on-one.
There are multiple examples like this. Amy and Noah would love to live with me more, but a judge won’t consider their wishes until they are at least 16. Last week, Noah had a talent show at school during my parenting time.
We both receive notifications about school events, but Noah decided not to tell his mom or invite her. She found out because he won, and it was posted on social media. She called to complain and upset Noah so much that I had to take over the conversation. She accused me of coming between her and the kids.
I told her I didn’t have to inform her about the event because we both receive notifications. It’s on us as individuals to keep up to date on these activities. She claimed I was interfering with her relationship with the kids. I told her it’s not my fault she’s damaging her relationship with them by refusing to give them one-on-one time.
She said it wasn’t fair and argued that it’s easier for me because I only have Amy and Noah. I pointed out that she manages to find time for her other kids when they ask for one-on-one time, either by getting a babysitter or having her husband stay with the kids. But she can’t be bothered to do the same for Amy and Noah. She called me an a&%^hole and blamed me for coming between her and the kids. AITA?
Here are the top rated comments:
BulbasaurRanch says:
No, NTA. She has made efforts herself to destroy her relationship with her kids without your help. She is doing this to herself and then blaming you? Not acceptable. You’ve done nothing wrong. Her inability to be available to her children and give them the attention and care they need is 100% her own doing.
Hopefully this is a wake up call for her, but it won’t be. When the kids move in with you full time, I’m sure she will be telling everyone how it’s your fault. She wants to be a victim and take no responsibility for her actions. Don’t let her.
Arcade_Life says:
NTA. Props to you for being there for your children mate. One word of advice, nothing will come out of arguing with her. You should have just told her that you both got notified by the school.
Ask if she is not following notifications about the children as these notifications could be extremely important.You two broke up. It is not your job to re-remind events etc. to her. Luckily for you, the children is on your side anyway.
2npac says:
So she has 6 kids with 3 men? Yikes...if she can't balance her time amongst all of her kids, it's her own fault for having too many. She's a grown woman that should be able to keep a calendar. NTA. As soon as you can though, file for more custody. It sounds like your kids will be on board with this.
Dark54g says:
NTA. I feel badly for your children because they had lost their mother. But I think you’re being a great father. It’s not your job to remind your ex-wife to be a parent. And that includes involving herself in the children’s lives. Your ex got mad Because you called her out on her bulls#%t behavior. People don’t want to face how sh@$^y of a parent they are. And frankly, she’s pretty sh#$@y.