'AITA for telling my wife she owes me an apology for these last seven years of marriage?'
"AITA for telling my wife she owes me an apology for these last seven years of marriage?"
SampleLongjumping208
I’m 32, and my wife is 32. We dated in high school and got married seven years ago. My wife has always been a scatterbrain. Before marriage, she was always misplacing things and leaving everything half-finished.
She was chronically late, had clutter all over her living space, and would get bursts of frustration about these messes which would lead to hyperactivity into not really doing anything conducive towards a solution. I love her anyway, but at times, it was tiring.
I saw past that because I knew she was the woman I wanted to marry, and we got married when we were 25. Unfortunately, a lot of the problems that she had seemingly accelerated after marriage.
We purchased a larger house because she’s obsessed with “storage space,” but this has essentially meant two bedrooms are no-go zones for me. They're simply full of her clutter. Once they were full, she started leaving things in my office, which I would have to move to not trip over.
I tried to convince her for years to go get diagnosed with ADHD and start treatment, but she had a really negative view of ADHD. She viewed it similarly to how she views schizophrenia or psychosis—not that there’s anything wrong with these conditions, but she believes there is.
A couple of months ago, she had a girls’ night out, and she came home telling me that she might have ADHD. I mean, I had been telling her that for years until she decided that she would have a meltdown every time I brought up ADHD.
I first figured it was because she was 30 minutes late and it caused an issue with her friend, but no. She described her frustrations to her friends, and one of them told her that she might have ADHD.
A bit of a sidenote, but when I said it, it was the worst insult imaginable to her.
When her friend said it, it was helpful commentary.
Well, my wife finally got herself diagnosed the day before yesterday. She came home from the doctor talking about how it explained everything. I responded that I felt I was owed an apology.
She was initially confused, but I responded that if she had actually addressed this when I asked her all those years ago, I wouldn’t have had to live with the constant stress of her chronic tardiness, clutter, emotional outbursts, and so on.
She responded by shrieking at me, and now she’s refusing to even have a word.
I feel like I may have taken it too far, but were my words towards her justifiable?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ok-Investment4742
NTA. I knew it was adhd before you even said it. Maybe you could have worded it better, but I can see the frustration.
Genyornispriiscus
I'd be at my boiling point after literal YEARS of this crap!
DivineTarot
And it's because her friends said it, her friends! Your friends are typically the people who are the most blunt with you unless you surround yourself with serious sycophants.
Yet, he spends years asking, pointing it out, walking on egg shells, and it's all, "oh this answers everything, good thing Molly McEffHerself pointed this out to me over tea or I'd never have figured it out," after years of shrieking and melt downs at him for wanting her to give him an ounce of consideration.
Like, don't get me wrong. I'm autistic, my boyfriends bipolar, I have oodles of friends who have ADHD, and mental health is a lot of work to maintain sometimes. However, I have oodles of empathy for the neurotypicals who end up burdened with being the personal manager for someone intrinsically ungrateful towards them.
LenoreEvermore
It honestly sounds like she's a b-word with ADHD. Like the ADHD explains a lot about her life, but she's also just a bad person underneath it. Her attitude can't be explained or excused by ADHD.
Direct_Surprise1312
You obviously have a lot of resentment (justified in my opinion). How to deal with that….that’s a tough one. Maybe once she starts her treatment she’ll understand your point of view.
cbburch1225
NTA. She should've listened. She shouldn't have sidelined your thoughts, and she definitely shouldn't only listen when a friend says it. Make her sleep on the couch, take the bed, King.
TheSassiestPanda
I’m going with NTA because (unless you left some details out) you didn’t resort to name-calling or shouting - you simply pointed out the reality you’ve been living with that she refused to address until someone other than you pointed out the issue.
I think most people would be a little irritated in your shoes. It’s incredibly frustrating dealing with a partner who either ignores all your input or shrieks at you for bringing up your valid concerns. Hopefully she follows through with treatment and you both see an improvement in the quality of your home life. 🤞🏻🤞🏻 Good luck!
emermaidssinging
I don’t blame you for being upset, and I would encourage your wife to seek talk therapy as well as medication for her ADHD. Those two combos can work wonders, and hopefully a therapist can (gently) bring it up to your wife that she was being unfair by taking her friend’s suggestion as the gospel when that’s what you were suggesting all along. NTA, OP.
Modern_Day_Macgyver
You're not an AH. These people need to get serious. You been telling her for years and dealing with all the BS from it. But her friend mentions it 1 time and it all makes sense? Eff that, eff her.
Having a condition doesn't absolve you of what you put your loved ones through. People are weak doormats today (Not you OP, all these stupid people who wanna claim you're an AH.)