'My wife’s ex sends her flowers every year on Mother’s Day, and it makes me very uncomfortable. AITA?'
"My wife’s ex sends her flowers every year on Mother’s Day, and it makes me very uncomfortable. AITA?"
My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 8 years, and we have 2 children aged 4 and 6. My wife has been a SAHM since we had children. Prior to dating me, my wife was in a long term relationship with her ex. Ever since we had our first child, he had been sending her flowers every year on Mother’s Day...
And it always made me very uncomfortable, but my wife was always appreciative of those flowers, and she called him and thanked him every time. It frustrated me because I try and make the day as special as possible for her, and she still sought external validation from her ex...
Who she has no reason to even be in contact with anymore. I expressed my feelings many times to her over the years, but she always said I’m overreacting and that he is just sending flowers on Mother’s Day to appreciate her as mother, and there was nothing more to it.
Last month on Mother’s Day, her ex again sent her flowers and she was obviously very happy about it. It frustrated me a lot but I hid my reaction because I didn’t want to ruin her Mother’s Day. However, the next day, I started emotionally distancing from my wife, and a couple of days later, my wife wanted to talk about this because it was the elephant in the room and it was affecting the home atmosphere.
We talked about it, and to be honest, I went a bit overboard on my rant, because I was extremely frustrated with everything. I told her that I was tired of being disrespected and unheard for years. I then told her that she was extremely privileged and spoiled being a SAHM.
I told her to look at my sister (32F) for example. My sister also had 2 children, but she was a single mom as her deadbeat ex cheated on her. My sister also worked at a big tech company, she was hard working, and she was the type of woman who deserves a Mother’s Day gift and appreciation, and not my wife.
I immediately regretted saying all that, and felt extremely guilty after because my wife didn’t say anything, she just seemed shocked. We didn’t speak much after that. That night, she cried. The next couple of weeks were pretty rough, and we barely spoke.
After that we slowly started speaking again, and we both agreed on looking for a couples' therapist. My wife also admitted she was wrong to not listen to my feelings, and she has communicated to her ex that there will be no contact between them anymore, and she has also blocked her ex. Was I the AH with how I handled everything?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Mediocre_Swimmer_237 said:
NTA for flower situation, your wife wasn't communicating properly for 8 years. But on the comparing Sister part YTA it is not who deserve flowers but the intent behind it, what is the intent of her ex, does he want to reconnect ? or just keeping a line open. In all this no matter who it is your sister, parents or ex partner, anyone outside of the marriage is not healthy for a marriage.
HellaciousFire said:
YTA. Did you buy her flowers? Have you shown her appreciation? Your sister doesn’t matter here. Your wife and her feelings matter. How could you tell your wife that she is privileged and spoiled and doesn’t deserve gifts on Mother’s Day?
She is the mother of your children. No wonder she was so happy to receive flowers from her ex, he actually cares about how she feels and now you’ve taken that away. Like it or not your relationship has changed.
She now knows you don’t appreciate or respect her and you have taken the little thing that brought her joy on Mother’s Day away. Frustrated or not you should never have called her privileged and spoiled. You owe her flowers every month and you should be happy she’s still in the house with you after such an insensitive rant.
Repulsive-Fuel-3012 said:
YTA that was a wild reaction. Also, how do you know they haven’t lost a child together?
Dazzling-Frosting-49 said:
Really dude? Just flowers? You could have approached this in a million better ways but you screwed it up. So yes, you were a big AH!
Dark54g said:
YTA. You accuse her of not listening to your feelings. Have you considered hers at all? Just because your sisters life went for a sh%t, you can completely disregard the work your wife does for your children and you? Really?
bigwhiteboardenergy said:
YTA. I’m glad your wife had someone showing her appreciation, if this is the way you feel about her.