Man refuses to coach wife's 'annoying' friend on how to talk to humans, says 'there's a reason she has no friends.'
"Is it wrong to not invite someone on a trip because everyone finds her annoying besides my wife?"
ThrowawayBad1240 writes:
My (M31) wife (F30) has a friend, we’ll call her Dana (F34). They have been friends for a little more than 10 years, and it’s important to note that the only friend Dana has is my wife (for the sake of the post, I’ll call her Laura).
Dana has always had difficulties making and keeping friends. This is because she’s a classical “one-upper”: if you tell her about a vacation you had and enjoyed, she’ll tell you it’s nothing compared to her last vacation. If you’re going through a bad time, well, it’s nothing compared to what she’s going through, and stuff like that.
Since her only friend is Laura, I've had to hang out with her a lot. I don’t like her and don’t consider her a friend, but I am civil to her.
Laura has tried to integrate Dana into another group of friends of ours for a few years now, but it's not going well. The breaking point was one night when we were drinking and a friend opened up about losing a beloved pet, and Dana responded by saying it was nothing compared to when she lost a blouse her mother had given her last year. After that, some people wouldn’t hang out if she was coming and so on.
Now to the issue: we’re planning a week-long camping trip along with 2 more friends and their spouses. Of these friends, only one of them has met Dana.
Laura thinks this might be a good chance for Dana to meet new people, so she suggested we invite her. I was obviously against it; I get tired just imagining a week with her and told her so.
She knows I’m not a fan of hers but is hoping I will help her improve her social skills. However, I don’t think our vacation should be her opportunity. We fought a little and didn’t solve anything.
Here is why I think I could be an a*&%ole: I continue planning the trip, and every time Laura told me to invite Dana, I would just tell her I’ll do it once all is set up (I had no intention of doing so). Anyway, the trip is a few weeks away, and last Saturday the cat was out of the bag about me not wanting Dana to come.
Laura argues that “being annoying” is no reason to exclude her and if she needs to improve her social skills, we should be helping her. I obviously disagree, but I have never seen Laura this angry, so I’m doubting myself. So, Am I the A_*^ole?
OP responded to some comments
Apart-Ad-6518 writes:
NTA (Not the A^%#ole). "The breaking point was one night when we were drinking and a friend opened up about losing a beloved pet and Dana responded by saying it was nothing compared to when she lost a blouse her mother had given her last year."
There's one upmanship & then there's being completely tone deaf. You're going on vacation not running a finishing school. Dana has had plenty of opportunities to "improve her social skills."
Laura sounds like a nice person but the evidence weighs heavily against her; Dana is going to upset all those people. "Laura argues that “being annoying” is no reason to exclude her." Sorry but yes it is.
OP responded:
Yep, she is absolutely tone deaf and thanks for the judgement.
ProfessorYaffle1 writes:
NTA for not wanting to invite her , but you are for lying to your wife about planning to do so, and for not communicating with her.
Not wanting to invite someone whose behaviour has caused multiple people to say tbry don't want to be at events if she's there, is reasonable. Not wanting to inflict her on others is reasonable.
Wanting to invite her on a trip sounds like a great way to damage the friendships you have with the others you are due to go with.
If your wife wants to introduce her to new people that's fine, but she needs to meet up for coffee, or start a book club, not commit to multiple days and nights.
OP responded:
Yeah, the lying part was an a%#^ole move, I’ll keep it in mind, thanks.
YouthNAsia63 says:
“Being annoying” is an excellent reason to exclude somebody. I would tell your wife that if Dana goes camping, you won’t be going. A week, stuck in a campground with an annoying person that has only met one of the other campers-nope.
Your wife can help her friend meet new playmates some other time. Like at a dinner or cocktail party or afternoon outing. When you aren’t there. And when the other potential friends can more easily escape. NTA.
OP responded:
Thank you! That’s exactly my thought process, I feel like there is no need to use a whole week just to help her.
PandaEnthusiast89 says:
Going against the grain with ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). Your wife for trying to force this obnoxious-sounding individual on both you and her friends. Trying to integrate a new friend into a group is best done over drinks, dinner, or some other one-day outing, not a camping trip where you'll be stuck in the woods for a week with someone.
The only reason I'm not saying N T A is because you shouldn't have lied to your wife. You should've been honest and said "I do not like Dana and am not going on a week-long camping trip with her, it's either me or her."
OP responded:
I told her I didn’t want to go with her, at some point I choose to lie rather than anything which now seems pretty standard asshole territory. Thanks
SnooPets8873 says:
INFO has your wife considers helping her social skills by talking about how she is turning people off? Because until the friend gets that piece it won’t matter who she is introduced to or in what setting.
OP responded:
Yes, we've both talked with her about this many times, she denies it or takes offense.
VeronicaSawyer8 says:
A week long trip is too long of a period to try and force new friendships. It's unfair to the other friends on the trip who don't yet know Dana. You intro friends over a dinner - not a long camping trip. NTA.
What do you think? Is OP wrong for lying to his wife?