Nanny is genuinely confused when her employers accuse her of being 'inappropriate.' 'Maybe I'm wrong but I think they're overreacting.' UPDATED 2X

When this nanny is genuinely surprised by her employer's accustion, she asks the internet:

"My employers thought something I did was inappropriate. I genuinely though it was normal. Was I wrong?"

Been with this family 6 months. I usually work 2-8 PM. Kiddo is 5 years old and in school. She doesn’t nap when I’m there and I leave when she goes to bed.

Sunday night, I was doing a date night for the parents. Put Kiddo to bed at usual bedtime and retired downstairs to watch TV. About an hour later, I hear crying and Kiddo calling for me. I head upstairs and she’s very upset. I’m pretty sure she had a bad dream, but couldn’t vocalize it well. She asked me to stay with her and I agreed.

This is potentially where I messed up. I laid beside her and stroked her hair, rubbed her back, etc. in attempt to help her settle.

The parents returned 15 minutes later. The dad was very upset when he came in the room and asked why I was in the bed.

By this time, I had gotten up and the mom was laying in the bed. I explained she had a nightmare and had asked me to lay with her. He didn’t say anything else and I didn’t think much of it after that, figuring he understood. I was paid and left.

Monday morning, Mom Boss texted me that Kiddo was sick so I didn’t have to come in. Figured that might explain her waking up.

This morning, Dad Boss called me and said that they were very “disturbed” to find me laying in bed. He said it was very inappropriate. I could barely get a word in when I was informed I would have the rest of the week off with pay while they “debated my future with their family.”

This is my first nanny job. I honestly thought this was okay. Was I wrong? Edit to clarify: I am not being accused of anything. Dad Boss has stressed he does not believe I hurt Nanny Kid, rather it was still inappropriate and crossed a boundary.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's see what readers thought:

finetime writes:

It’s okay for parents to have a boundary of no laying in bed with Nanny Kid. It’s not okay for them to never voice this boundary and then suspend/potentially fire you over it.

There are so many nuanced situations in this line of work that some people would view as inappropriate and others wouldn’t think twice about. What your Nanny Family should have done is say something like “in the future we are not comfortable with you laying in bed with Nanny Kid” and that’s that.

If they don’t believe you harmed Nanny Kid, and you had no idea this was inappropriate to them, what is there to debate? Your best move is probably to start searching for a new family. So sorry this happened to you!

OP responded:

From what I understand, Dad Boss feels I made a bad judgement call and is now calling my decision making skills into account. In his mind, this is just common sense and even if it were innocent, I should have known better. As I type it out, it really makes no sense.

aalag87 writes:

Wow, I’ve had multiple positions where I was required to lay in bed with a child until they fell asleep! I would quit while you’re ahead. Reactionary employers never get better, at least not in the time span of one nanny position. Save yourself the headache and send them something like:

“Hi MB and DB. After some consideration, I feel it is best for us to part ways. I think communication is vital in a nanny-parent relationship, and your lack of communication and subsequent reaction on an uncommon boundary has me feeling uneasy about this dynamic.

I will not tolerate having my integrity questioned after a simple attempt to comfort your child after a nightmare using common childcare methods. The boundary itself is not an issue, but your behavior in settling this boundary is unacceptable. This is my two weeks notice, and I wish you all the best moving forward.”

caeghim writes:

It’s okay for parents to have a boundary of no laying in bed with NK. It’s not okay for them to never voice this boundary and then suspend/potentially fire you over it. There are so many nuanced situations in this line of work that some people would view as inappropriate and others wouldn’t think twice about.

What your NF should have done is say something like “in the future we are not comfortable with you laying in bed with NK” and that’s that. If they don’t believe you harmed NK, and you had no idea this was inappropriate to them, what is there to debate? Your best move is probably to start searching for a new family. So sorry this happened to you!

edenev writes:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you did absolutely nothing wrong. If it were me it would be the end of my professional relationship with them. Use the week to find another job, this one will always be tainted for you.

One of the first families I nannied for needed an adult to lie down with their son to get him to fall asleep and even requested that I sleep in their child’s bed with him during my first over night because he would wake up periodically and it was easier to keep an eye on him that way.

In hindsight I should have said no for my own benefit, but I never though it was inappropriate, I was just comforting their two year old in the way that was most known to him.

Even if they haven’t expressly accused you of anything the implication was in itself incredibly inappropriate and has forever altered your relationship. There is no coming back from the incredibly hostile situation they’ve created.

flssh6 writes:

As a nanny, I spent at least 50% of my time in some stage of comforting my NKs- laying on the couch, in a bed, on the floor, wherever and whenever! I lay in NKs beds to read stories (under the covers as well, I am always freezing and my NK’s think it’s funny to tuck me in) at bed time and during the day to relax before quiet time.

I cannot even tell you how many times my MB and DB have walked in to a room where I am horizontal- in 5B’s bed, 2G’s bed, the couch, the floor, the guest room, even on the floor in their bedroom once!! They have never even hesitated when they see me and the kids like this, MB has even taken her phone out for a picture before.

I don’t think you should be punished as you did absolutely nothing wrong. This is a boundary that should have been communicated to you- I don’t think I’ve ever thought twice about laying beside my NK, especially when they ask me too.

The insinuation that you have poor decision making skills because you chose to lay beside your NK is insulting. I’ve been asked numerous times during random one time date nights to lay beside a child so they can fall asleep, and I’m essentially a stranger. This is bizarre

fabe87 writes:

Did they happen to mention what they wished you would have done? Stand in the doorway of the child you have spent the last six months with and tell her it was ok, not to be scared without approaching the bed or touching her?

The fact that they are questioning you about this AFTER BEING WITH THE CHILD FT FOR SIX MONTHS is absolutely ridiculous! If DB did have a bad prior experience and didn’t feel it was appropriate for you to comfort/cuddle their 5 year old they should have made that known.

What you did makes you a good, caring nanny, the one the child felt safe enough to call out to. Copy & paste the eloquent, respectful resignation message posted earlier & be done - you deserve better!

And now, OP's update:

So, I had my Skype with Nanny Parents about an hour ago and I feel like I had whiplash. Started great and ended terribly.

As soon as I answered, Mom Boss said “Tell us your side.” I did, explaining I felt this was the best way to comfort Nanny Kid. I added that I understand it’s a boundary and I won’t do it again, but all boundaries need to be made clear to me.

I said I spoke with a group of fellow nannies who both agreed it’s not common sense but also that the boundary wasn’t unreasonable. It's just that they need to communicate this to me as well as how to handle this should it happen again.

They seemed receptive. Dad Boss explained why he acted the way he did and I won’t get into it here but it is trauma based. He reiterated he doesn’t think I did anything to 5F, they love me, they appreciate me, etc.

We came up with a plan on what to do should it happen again (I’ll sit in a chair by Nanny Kid’s bed). At this point, I was thinking maybe we could turn it around. I know many of you said just quit, but I wanted to try to avoid that.

Well, then the call got awkward. I thought the conversation was done once they laid out their boundaries. But Dad Boss kept talking and kept questioning if it really wasn’t common sense.

He implied that he felt I was gaslighting him, not with those words but more of “I don’t think I’m wrong to feel this way and I don’t appreciate you trying to change the narrative.” I stressed several times that I don’t think his boundary is wrong, but how he went about it was.

This lead to a discussion of cameras. I’m their first nanny so they asked my opinion upon hiring. I said I’d work with them if they really felt needed but I just find them awkward and like I can’t truly be myself. At the time, they agreed against it. But now, Dad Boss wants to put cameras up in every room until I “rebuild trust.” It was a complete 180 from his previous “We love you!” speech.

I said that hurt. He said how am I supposed to trust you when you haven’t apologized. For fricking what?!

Finally, I said I can’t work somewhere where I’m not trusted and I can’t risk them falsely accusing me of something. Mom Boss got very upset and tried to apologize on behalf of her husband. I said no.

Another 5 awkward minutes of settling out particulars (mailing back their keys and such, them paying me severance as they declined me serving a 2 weeks notice).

It sucks because I love Nanny Kid and I won’t get to say goodbye. But y’all were right. His fears are based in trauma and I get it... but if they’re this bad, he needs therapy. Anyway, thanks for all the advice. I tried to get back to everyone but there was a lot, haha.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:

I know people who won't leave their kids with nannies or individual babysitters because they themselves were abused by babysitters (non-family or family) and have trauma as a result. I understand that.

But having this trauma, hiring a nanny and then dumping it on the nanny's head is Not OK. Sounds as though the family needs some therapy... and maybe to reconsider using nannies at all. Glad you got out of there, and good luck finding a family that's a better fit.

OP replied:

This is also what I don’t really understand. Mom Boss did always imply that she was the one who wanted to get a nanny but I never thought Dad Boss was resentful in anyway? All of this sort of came out of left field.