'Nice guy' plans to stop talking to coworker after she says she 'just wants to be friends.' AITA?
"WIBTA if I stopped talking to a woman after she said she just wants to be friends?"
So I, (32M) have been getting pretty close with a coworker (29F) let’s call her Jess. We work in different departments but see each other all the time, and we’ve been hanging out more and more lately. She’d call me after work just to talk, we’d spend time together in the office, we even made plans for a weekend trip with some mutual friends.
Over time, I started doing the kind of stuff you don’t really do for just friends. buying her lunch, getting her little gifts, staying late just to hang out with her, and paying for her ticket to the event we were all going to. She even originally suggested sharing a room at the Aribnb on the trip, which felt like a green light, especially with all the flirty moments and the closeness we’ve had.
I asked her out once a while ago, and she told me “bad timing” and said she wasn’t ready for anything serious. Cool, I backed off. But the behavior didn’t change, if anything, we kept getting closer. Then during the trip after all the planning, time, and effort I put in she casually says, “Just making sure you know we’re just friends, right?”
Big oof. I've been trying to give her time so I haven't been pushy about trying to go on dates or anything of the sort. As it turns out she’s been involved with someone else this whole time. Not seriously, "just for fun," she said. Which somehow made it worse.
So now I’m just kinda done. I’ve been in this spot too many times where I’m the “nice guy” who listens to everything, helps out, supports them emotionally, and then they run off to date someone else who treats them half as well. I’m tired of it.
Would I be the ahole if I just stopped talking to her? No fight, no drama, just…done. I’m not gonna be rude at work or anything, but I don’t wanna keep giving time and energy to someone who clearly doesn’t see me the same way. WIBTA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AgonistPhD said:
You don't have to befriend people you aren't interested in being friends with, but I do think YTA for the things you describe as "the kind of stuff you don't really do for friends." Treat your friends better, man!
senditloud said:
Yeah YTA. In general. Back off please. She’s been clear about how she feels. If you’re only being friends and nice to someone to be with them, then you aren’t a nice person. Imagine the betrayal women feel when someone is their friend only on the condition that they go out with them or be intimate with them.
She doesn’t owe your niceness anything in return except being nice back. You can ABSOLUTELY let a woman know you are into them. But once she says “no” that’s the answer. And you can absolutely decide to stay friends or not stay friends based on this answer. But to continue to hang around and “be nice” just in case she changes her mind? And then to get mad when she doesn’t? That’s AH territory.
Tipsy-boo said:
YTA for your behavior. You are interested in a romantic relationship. You asked her out. She said no. You then continued knowingly in a friendship. As did she. You willingly brought gifts, chatted etc, made plans platonically. When she made sure you knew it was platonic you are pulling the "nice guy" crap.
You are not a nice guy. You were not being her friend you were being manipulative. But for her sake yeah stop talking to her because she needs genuine nice guys in her life who understand what friendship actually is.
JJExecutioner said:
YTA but...so are TONS of guys who do this. You weren't doing these nice things out of the kindness of your heart, you were doing them in an attempt do sleep with this girl lol. You can say date, but lets be honest, that is the outcome you wanted. If you guys got along so well and have such a nice time together that you'd wanna date her, you'd be ok with just being friends and continuing as you've been!
Main-Yogurtcloset242 said:
You're never wrong for deciding who you want in your life but yeah YTA. This is why women don't even want to be bothered with men these days. You've never bought your GUY friends food or gifts they may like for no reason?
Women do that for each other all the time. I've also had single AND married male friends pay for me to go to basketball games & museums. You started as friends then decided you wanted to sleep with her & now because the feelings aren't mutual,you want to stop talking to her. And of course you think you're a nice guy lol. Please get it together
thisisstupid- said:
You are the one who made this awkward. For one you shouldn’t try to date coworkers because it makes people uncomfortable, if she says yes and things go wrong Work is affected, if she says no like she did you get all upset and work is affected.
You’re the one who tried to move this over to something else. Saying friends don’t buy each other lunch or pay for event tickets is completely untrue, I went out with one of my girlfriends the other day and she paid for the movie tickets and I bought dinner, that’s a completely normal thing for female friends to do.
And just as a side note do you have any idea how hurtful it is to be put into the “f zone," that place where you think you have a true and genuine friendship and then it turns out that he doesn’t want anything to do with you if you won’t be intimate with him? Yeah that’s what you just said to her, basically told her she didn’t have any value in your life if she wouldn’t spread her legs. Women are not vending machines where you put in kindness and intimacy falls out. YTA.
lun4d0r4 said:
NTA, please be clear with her that you were romantically interested and now that she's been clear that she's not, you're going to respect that by backing off. As a woman who has had multiple men ignore me when I say I'm not interested...
...and then try to use the friend zone to change my mind, being clear and backing off is 1000% the way to go. That is what makes you the nice guy! Respecting the boundary and not using the friendzone if you don't actually want to be just friends.