'AITA for not letting my daughter have her stepdad walk her down the aisle?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my daughter have her stepdad walk her down the aisle?"
So, my (56M) daughter (25F) is getting married next spring. I’ve been looking forward to this for years, and she and I have always been close. Her mom and I split when she was around 12, and she mostly lived with me after that. I’ve been in her life full time, so I always figured I'd have that classic father daughter moment at her wedding.
Her mom remarried about five years ago, and let’s just say I’m not a fan of her new husband. He’s a guy who always needs to be the center of attention, loud and over the top, and just exhausting. He’s pulled stunts even at family gatherings for my side, always making everything about him. I've put up with it to keep things civil, but it’s been a challenge for me all the time. I still invite him for my daughter's sake.
Fast forward to now, my daughter is wedding planning and told me that she’d like her stepdad to walk her halfway down the aisle with me. I couldn’t believe it. I told her that, as her actual father, it’s a bit hurtful to have to share this big moment with someone who’s only been in her life for a few years.
I’ve been there through everything. every school event, every late night, every hard time. Her stepdad has just recently come into the picture, and it stings that she wants to include him in a moment I always assumed was ours.
To make things even harder to swallow, I’m covering all the wedding expenses. I’ve spent a significant amount so she could have her dream wedding. I don’t want to be petty, but part of me feels like it’s only fair to expect that I’d have the honor of walking her down the aisle, just me and her.
She got defensive, saying she wants to include him because he’s been supportive, but I explained that, to me, this is about a father daughter tradition and how much I value our relationship. Now she’s upset, and my ex-wife has also joined, saying I’m being “selfish” and making it “all about me.”
I’ve now become a full blown topic of discussion, with everyone throwing some pretty harsh words my way. In frustration, I finally told her that if she really wants him to be there, she should ask him if he’d also like to split the bills. That might’ve been a bit much, but I was feeling cornered.
So, AITA for not wanting to share the aisle with her stepdad, especially since I’m also paying for the whole thing?
I just want to add a note here as there is some confusion. My daughter told she wants him to walk her down the aisle as my ex wife and her husband asked her for this. This was not something that she came up with. Just wanted to provide that clarity as some people are thinking it was my daughter's wishes.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. This is your ex-wife’s and her partner’s wish, not your daughters. Don’t let yourself get manipulated into thinking you’re in the wrong here. He pays 50%? Sure, you lost a lot of reason there. He doesn’t? He doesn’t walk her down the isle.
He wants to be centre of attention again. On someone else's wedding day. Dude is gross. Warn daughter that he'll try and upstage her.
I agree. I bet first half of the aisle will turn into the whole way down the aisle, with OP hurrying to catch up. Stepdad will definitely take over everything he can.
NTA. As a consistently active parent, even into adulthood, this is a significantly special moment for you and your daughter. Whether you’re footing the bill of the wedding or not, you and you alone should be the one waking her down the aisle! Although…. I have a feeling that the step dad is the one who suggested this, not your daughter. She might’ve just been the messenger.
Powerful_Activity333 OP responded:
you are right. He did. Him and my ex wife both did. I love my daughter a lot but my wife left us alone when my daughter was just 12. She cheated on me and turned her back on our daughter too.
She wanted to come back into our life and I let her because at the end of the day she is my daughter's mother. However, it hurts me that my daughter did not stand up to them or cannot clearly see that they are both trying to come between us. Sometimes I do think I should suck it up but it breaks my heart at the same time.
"UPDATE AFTER TALKING WITH MY DAUGHTER AND FAMILY"
I have not been able to read all comments but I see some people asking for an update on this situation. There is a lot of comments and I won't be able to reply to every one of them so I am adding my message here for everyone to read.
I didn’t expect so many people to comment on this situation and I’m really grateful for all the perspectives and messages I’ve received. It made me feel very less alone. I also got some messages about the cost of the wedding. I have to add that this is a destination wedding so some of the bills are due to flight costs, my daughter’s make up artists, and a few gifts I am giving to my daughter.
So after taking in your advice, I sat down with my daughter to have an honest conversation about everything. I explained why walking her down the aisle was so important to me, how much it means as her father, and why it felt unfair to be asked to share this moment with her stepdad.
I apologized to her, trying to express that I never intended to make her worry about the bills. I told her I am doing it because I love her and want to give her the day of her dreams. I told her I said it out of frustration and she has nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately, the talk didn’t go as I’d hoped. She got pretty upset and told me i was ruining her day and that I didn’t understand the pressure she was under from everyone to keep the peace.
She was worried about her mom getting angry, and when I told her I felt hurt by all of this, she accused me of “threatening” her and even called me a narcissist. I’ll be honest, she used terms I don’t fully understand, but it stung.
She mentioned that her mom has been really nice to her for the past few years and that she doesn’t want to lose that relationship. To her, my ex wife is her best friend now, and she didn’t have that growing up. I get it, my ex wife and my daughter do have a lot in common. Things like fashion, accessories, and other interests. My daughter is very much like her in that regard.
My ex wife and her husband also came over so they could all discuss it as a family. My sister happened to be there too, and she stayed to support me, which helped me keep my calm. When they arrives, things only got more tense. My daughter told them she no longer wanted me paying for the wedding and asked if they could step in instead.
I knew this was a very bad idea and knew it would not end well. I knew she would reject it but it would break my daughter's heart. I thought my ex wife will do it in a smart way so my daughter is not hurt but My ex wife flat-out said she couldn’t pay because she was saving for her son’s college fund (her son from a marriage before her current husband).
Her son is 15, so college is still 5-6 years away, but she said that was her priority. I knew this would end this way but I never expected my daughter to get frustrated with me and just ask them directly. I knew she trusted her mom deeply and I did want her to know her mother is not the best support but I didn’t want my daughter finding out this way.
I could see it really broke her heart. My daughter really had started to trust her mother. Her husband then jumped in, saying i was being a “jerk” and making the day about myself.
At that point, I finally had enough. I told them that my intent was never to “hold anything over” anyone, especially not my daughter, and i was only hurt because i wanted a moment with her that I’d looked forward to her whole life.
I explained that i was still willing to pay for everything, but my daughter was visibly upset after realizing that her mom and stepdad weren’t willing to contribute a cent to the wedding.
By the end of it all, my daughter looked heartbroken. I could see she was hurt realizing her mom would rather prioritize her half brother’s college fund, years down the line, over helping with her wedding now. She told me she needed some space to process everything, and I told her I’d give her all the space she needs.
As for my ex wife, she wasn’t done. She said I’d “ruined everything” and that i was the reason my daughter no longer respects her mother and stepdad. She blamed me for this entire mess, saying I’d manipulated the situation to create a rift between them and my daughter.
I’m glad my daughter knows the truth about her mom and stepdad, but I didn’t want her to find out this way. So, that’s where we’re at. I’m just trying to be there for my daughter in whatever way she needs So, that’s where we’re at. Thank you all again for the support, it’s helped me feel a lot less alone in this.
I have to mention, my future son in law had insisted to my daughter that her mom and stepdad should pay for the wedding instead of me. When I talked to him about it afterward, he explained that he wanted my daughter to learn that her mom might not have the best intentions for her.
To be fair, he’s not a fan of my ex wife because she’s made snarky remarks about his mother in the past so I know he only did this to get back at my ex wife but at the end this has left my daughter feeling broken. She has a very open heart and trusts people easily, I wanted her to know this was wrong but not in a way where she feels betrayed by her own mother. She carries a lot of pain from the past.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will end this message here.... Wish you all luck
Q&A with OP:
does ur daughter know her mother cheated on u?
Powerful_Activity333 OP responded:
She knows but my ex wife has told my daughter that she did it because I was an emotionally unavailable partner and never made her happy. She said I was not capable of loving. It broke my heart because I met my ex wife in high-school and really loved her. I don't know what made her feel like I didn't love her.
Cheating in any situation is wrong, she could have divorced me but she decided to be a coward. My daughter has a soft spot for her mother so she says the cheating was wrong but her mother was feeling unhappy and that is why she did it.
Oh man, Then ur daughter needs the reality check and good therapy.
If she continues this like this then she'll get hurt or hurt someone in future.
What I mean is doing the same thing as her mother did.
"daughter has a soft spot for her mother so she says the cheating was wrong but her mother was feeling unhappy and that is why she did it. " - her mom justified it and she's even thought acknowledges wrong but ok with it. So what says she won't do the same thing when the same situation arises and let's say a coworker perusing her heavily.
I'm a constant lurker at those infidelity subs and most of the time it's always a coworker. I'm not trying judge anyone here but environment and influence is what makes us.
NTA are your ex and her husband manipulating your daughter? It doesn’t make sense why she’d want him to also walk her down the aisle. If she really does want him to also walk her down the aisle then he can also pay for her wedding. If he’s actually supportive, he would help financially support the wedding.
Powerful_Activity333 OP responded:
Just adding a comment I added to someone else. I appreciate your advice. I also feel like my ex wife and her husband may be pushing her into this. i get that some people might see my stance as petty. Honestly, I feel a bit conflicted about it myself.
But my daughter is planning a very grand wedding, which is going to cost around $350k, plus her dress, which is also pricey (though she hasn’t told me the exact amount yet). i’m more than willing to spend this on her because I love her deeply and want to see her happy on her big day.
My ex wife and her husband are also quite well off, and they’ve been very involved in my daughter’s life mainly my ex wife. I’m fine with that she’s her mother, and I respect the role they both play.
But not once have they offered to help cover any of these expenses. i’m the one covering everything, which is why it feels a bit unfair to be asked to share this moment with her stepdad, who wasn’t there for her growing up.