Woman defends autistic son’s safe space after mother-in-law calls him 'weird' during family visit. AITA?
"AITA for no longer welcoming my mother in law in my home?"
betugotasmallone
I’ve watched my in laws (my mother in law, sister in law, sister in law's husband, etc) talk trash about their family for years (including her autistic grandson who is now an adult).
I usually say it’s not appropriate or walk away or don’t engage in the conversation. I’ve told my husband many times if she ever speaks that way about our family, she will not be welcome around us anymore.
She’s at our house for Thanksgiving. She lives multiple states away and we only see her once or twice a year although she’s been discussing purchasing a house near us.
My son is a teenager and autistic. She is well aware he is on the spectrum. My son was in the basement running on the treadmill talking to himself loud enough for us to hear (which isn’t super loud because the stairwell from basement to where we are is open space).
My mother in law said “what is he doing?” I replied “talking to himself.” She said “why?” I said “because it makes him feel good.” She says “he’s weird.” No joking, no jest. Very straight forward. I told her she’s weird and walked off.
I went upstairs shaking and told my husband what happened and that she is no longer welcome in my son’s home. This is his safe space. He masks his struggle and keeps it together outside of these four walls all day every day.
If he wants to talk to himself in his own home, he should not be subjected to judgment. Also, if she feels comfortable enough saying this to my face, what is she saying behind his back?
My husband said he would talk to her. I told him to ask her to leave tomorrow (it is dark and she doesn’t drive in the dark so she can’t leave today). He went and talked to her and came back up and said she realized what she’s done is wrong and that she is very sorry and won’t do it again.
He said that no one has ever called her on it before and she didn’t know it was a problem before and we shouldn’t just cut her off. He sais we should give her another chance.
This is false, every time she’s said inappropriate things about other family members I have told her it isn’t ok. The fact that an adult has to be told it’s not ok to call an autistic child weird is pretty wild. I want to protect my children from her.
My husband is now insisting we discuss this right now and that I be willing to work through this and not just cut her off (which I am not - I am saying she’s not do welcome in my home).
Teaching her manners is not my responsibility. My son’s well being is my responsibility. If she wants to work on herself, come back later to apologize, and demonstrate she won’t say things like that again, I will be happy to welcome her back. But until then, she is not welcome in my house. AITA for no longer welcoming her in my home?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Aware_Welcome_8866
You are between a rock and a hard place. You won’t accept your MIL being in your home, your husband won’t accept your MIL being banned. I wonder if it would be helpful to give your MIL some resources about autism. I’m a teacher for an ASD classroom and actually have some resources that might help. The other idea is to have your son tell her what it’s like to have autism.
I don’t want to judge your post. I do think this black and white take you have on the situation is going to cause resentment. I think you have to find the gray. You are well within your rights to tell your MIL she will not be welcome in your home if anything like this happens again.
While you’re at it, tell her to quit talking sht about the rest of the family. I can’t decide if she’s mean or incredibly obtuse. I am really sorry you’re in this position. I’m all on the side of you and your son. I just don’t know if your husband will ever get there.
betugotasmallone (OP)
It’s not a child’s responsibility to teach a bully how their behavior affects others but my mother in law does send us articles about random stuff constantly. I’d love any you can share to send her. Thank you!
Viva_Veracity1906
Go talk. You’re the judge, she’s the accused, he’s her crappy court appointed lawyer. Lay it out. Bring receipts. Make it deeply uncomfortable. Emphasize that this is the final warning and one more single trash comment will result in a ban as this is your son’s safe space and her nastiness does not reflect your values. With any luck she’ll feel so called out and closely watched she’ll leave on her own. NTA.
Beck2010
You do know your MIL didn’t admit to being wrong, yes? Your husband told you what you wanted/needed to hear and he only told her to not say things aloud in your presence. I, of course, am guessing here - but if she and the other ILs regularly bash people she sees nothing wrong with her actions. NTA. But I fear you have a slight husband problem.
A-Strange-Peg
NTA, a parent's primary job is to protect their kid. Too bad your husband forgot that.
Firm-Molasses-4913
Hmmm it sounds like she is willing to have a conversation and apologize so tell husband you’re willing to have that conversation with her, not through him. See what she has to say. If you’re to the point of kicking her out you have nothing to lose by having the conversation.
Don’t let husband speak for her. Hear her out. Is she sincere? Is she intolerant? I think you will make a lot of progress with your husband if she proves herself an ass OR if she sincerely apologizes and shows some humility. Good luck.