'AITA for offering no sympathy for my husband after his dad crossed a boundary?'
"AITA for offering no sympathy for my husband after his dad crossed a boundary?"
I'm currently pregnant with my second child. I found out three days before Christmas, and told my husband the following day. He was pleased as punch... myself, excited but more than a little nervous.
Big mixed bag of feelings. For this and other reasons, I asked my husband if we could keep the news between us for a while and let me process/adjust to this new reality before sharing with our family/friends.
His response... "I'm so excited - can I just tell Work Friend?"
I repeated that I would prefer to keep it between us for now, at least to get through the holidays without all the focus on us.
Fewer than ten minutes later he says "Work Friend is super happy for us! And I told Other Friend, she says congratulations."
I let him know I was disappointed and I thought his behavior was super disrespectful and shitty, but whatever, it's out of my hands now. He assured me that he wasn't going to tell anyone else.
Fast forward through the weeks following Christmas, during which he pestered and pressured me to tell his family members before I was ready. Again, we had his parents casually over for coffee one night and he "let it slip" without my consent because he's "just so excited". Repeat this process with a few other friends and family members.
For whatever reason, he hasn't yet "let it slip" to his paternal grandparents. Because of this, his dad has been pressuring him to call them. Today, his dad gave him an ultimatum: he would say something before the end of the day if my husband didn't.
Husband comes home in a super disagreeable mood and proceeds to vent to me about his dad's total lack of consideration and how angry he is over this ultimatum. I calmly listen to him, and I agree, it's not a nice thing to do. It's not his dad's news to share. It IS inconsiderate.
But this is where maybe I'm the a%$^ole - "I love you, but does this maybe give you some context for how it felt when you did the same thing to me?" He then gets even angrier and tells me that it's not the same situation at all, criticizes me for making it about myself, says I have a victim mindset, he just needs support from me and not "whatever this is".
I then also blew up at him, defending myself, and we've hardly spoken for the rest of the night.
I can't wrap my head around him wanting sympathy from me after repeatedly hurting me with almost the same behavior.
But is it not the same situation? Is he right? Should I have put my own resentment aside to help him feel better? DID I selfishly make it about me? Maybe he would have made the connection without me pointing it out, or maybe he would have been more receptive if I just gave him a hug and let him calm down for a while.
I don't think so... I'm still livid. But please tell me what you think, outside observer.
OP said this in reply to a comment:
I do want to clarify that we are already parents to a spectacular toddler - this will be our second. I have suggested couples counseling to him for the sake of our communication, but he always finds a reason not to proceed. It makes me feel uneasy. This type of conflict tends to pop up pretty frequently for us. Heavy sigh.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your husband is a hypocrite. He did the exact same thing to you, and now he's shocked when his dad does it to him? He needs to learn to respect your boundaries, just like you had to learn to respect his. You're not being selfish. You're allowed to be upset.
Interesting that his dad is treating him the same way he is treating her. NTA
Yeah, it’s crazy he doesn’t see the connection. He can’t just ignore your boundaries and then expect sympathy. You’re definitely not being selfish here.
He does see the connection, he’s just angry she pointed it out and he can’t pretend to “not understand” anymore.
NTA. You are correct. He is a man baby. You should be even more angry than the initial betrayal because he clearly hates it being done to him but is fine with doing the same thing to you. Reconsider marriage and pregnancy.
He is entitled to his feelings too op but don't forget you politely asked not to share for a reason but he didn't respect it and continued to 'slip up'. That's where he is the a&^%ole, not for having feelings.
YTA The news was both yours and your husband's to share. You are not the final arbiter of this and you should have been more willing to discuss with your husband His father, however, is not one of those people who gets to choose who knows when. So, no, the situation is not the same.