Non-binary teenager gets revenge on mother for kicking her out; 'I told our entire cult the truth.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this teenager upsets their mother, they ask the internet:

"I got revenge on my cult mother but I may have taken things to far. AITA?"

Hi. I (21nb) am an nb lesbian. I grew up in the Mormon church/cult. I decided to come out to my parents a few weeks ago because I thought they might just take it well - my little brother and sister are allies in their schools lgbt club and my parents themselves have been trying to be more "PC."

They did not take it well (I also said that I was leaving the Mormon church), and told me that even though they love me, they couldn't handle having someone "living in sin" living "under their roof", nor someone who's so "anti Mormon" (I am an antimormon, but I legit just said I'm leaving the church. I've been inactive for years so idk why they didnt see it coming.)

So I said great! Fine. In the past week or so I've gotten an apartment and a job in a city a few hours away and put in my notice at work. Here's where the problem comes in.

I turned in my notice at work for only a week (I'm moving out on Sunday and need a few days to pack). Me and my boss are good friends; she asked why I was moving so suddenly (I had written in my notice that I was moving out of town and that's why I had to quit). I told her the truth, that my parents said that I couldn't live in their house and be gay anymore.

Well, gossip spreads through my work like wildfire. The other day my mom had to pick me up from work because of the bad roads and she came in and was rather taken aback at the way the other employees glared at her.

She confronted me about it in the car and it turned into a giant fight where I finally explained tearfully that they'd all heard about how she was kicking me out for being gay and I was sorry they treated her so terribly.

She blew up and said that they weren't kicking me out for being gay or leaving the church, they just didn't want me talking about it around my little siblings because they didn't want me to lead them down the same path as me.

They just didn't want me to have friends or a significant other of a "bad influence," or to access sites of a bad influence online (aka gay sites) and that they couldn't believe I was moving out just because they were setting boundaries.

Here's why I may be the asshole. My parents have graciously let me live with them rent free during the pandemic and pay for groceries, too. I've been able to save up to move out because I've been living with them.

I can't help but feel guilty because they really have done a lot for me and maybe I shouldn't have told my work why I was moving so suddenly. So reddit, AITA?

Some top responses before we give you OP's updates:

cringg writaes:

NTA. Former Mormon here- I’m so so so fucking sorry you’re going through this. The first while is a tough go; usually there is vigor and intensity in the energy the church/family will expend in trying to shame you and bring you back into the fold simultaneously.

You’re right to tell people the truth, and you’re right to listen to what your therapist said. Mormon Niceties only last so long and then you see the true purposes coming through.

In terms of your family and how to move forward: break all their logic down into the simplest terms. You want me to move out because I’m gay? NO! No not because of that- okay do you want me to move out because I’m a bad influence?- NO!

Obviously we love you and just want what is best for all of our family- do I not count as family? YES obviously you do—— you get the gist. Make them spell out the actual logic- and then REPEAT IT BACK TO THEM so they understand what they’re saying to you. It’s hard to fight the twisted logic, but it’s easy to make them break it apart themselves.

Boundaries are also going to be HUGELY important now. For instance, my mom is still convinced someday I’ll rejoin the church and marry my partner in the temple. When I curse on FaceTime, she tries to call me out on it.

I have had to become RUDELY DILIGENT about reminding her that- I have absolutely no desire to come back to a church that covered up my rape and in fact encouraged me to stay with my rapist- and whenever she calls me on language, I tell her “I wish we could get to the point where you are hearing what I’m saying instead of just judging the way I say it.”

Boundaries are super hard to maintain so the best of luck with that. Lastly, and I know this is probably more unsolicited than any of the other stuff: as you learn your role in the new world outside of the Mormon world, remember the things they thought they tried to teach you: individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, and integrity.

THESE, dear friend, are values you should cling to with every bit of might you still have. Knowing your worth, allowing yourself to demand to be treated better than you were, maintaining your integrity in all your dealings with honesty, and understanding your choices will lead to consequences you will have to face.

Let those ideas protect you as you jump into the deep end of the outside world. People can and absolutely will try to take advantage of your diminished sense of self, your hurt feelings, and your vulnerability and try to slip themselves in as a supportive person.

Remember how you want to be treated and don’t let anyone put you in situations you don’t want to be in. The LGBTQ aspect adds an entirely new layer to that as well; you’re facing discrimination not only for leaving the church but for being sexually and gender “divergent”.

Remember your worth, and don’t lose sight of that in the darkness of this situation. Good luck, OP. I wish you the absolute best this world has to offer.

foul6 writes:

YTA I know I will get downvoted but I’ll say it anyway. This is their religion. This is what they believe. In their religion, being gay is a sin. Well, practicing homose%uality is a sin. Some people believe eating pork is a sin and against their religion. You do not have to agree with it, but respect goes both ways.

Let’s say you love pork, you eat it all the time. Someone offers you a home, and says “hey you can live rent free here with everything paid for you as long as you don’t eat pork in my household.” And you say “you’re super unsupportive! I’m going to eat pork whenever I want!! You’re horrible to me and don’t respect me!!! Why are you kicking me out for not listening to what I want!”

Everyone has boundaries, beliefs, and you need to respect that. Just because someone doesn’t support what you do, doesn’t mean they’re horrible and homophobic and abusive.

They love you. Your mother picks you up from work. They fed you, pay your rent. Provide a bedroom for you. Support your dreams. And somehow that’s being unsupportive? That’s somehow being hateful and horrible people? They didn’t yell or scream. They didn’t call you names and slurs.

They didn’t disown you and dump you on the curb. They created boundaries to have you living rent free in their household.

They’re not kicking you out, they established a boundary that said “hey please do not do x within my household.” It’s your choice to do that or not. You not choosing to do that is not them kicking you out. You’re 21! Why haven’t you moved out anyway?

Slandering your parents, saying untrue things “they kicked me out because I’m gay” is not helpful, and untrue, and whats making you TA. You have a choice. You chose your choice, and that isn’t them kicking you out.

I can’t believe you’d say that about your own mother while she picks you up from work (something she absolutely doesn’t have to do for her grown child). Your parents have sounded helpful and loving this entire time which is a stark contrast for some true homophobic parents you hear about.

You’re making that an attack on your identity. But they did not say that. They’re okay with you being gay, they are not okay with directly supporting someone who openly sins inside their household.

It would be similar if you were supporting someone rent free and they openly wore shoes everywhere in the house, when you don’t want them to. Ultimately it’s their house, their decisions, and their boundaries. If they don’t listen, why do they deserve to live rent free?

Edit: idk how I see so many posts where it’s like “yeah they are living in my house rent free, and I asked them to not to do something in my household, and they did it anyway. AITA for kicking them out?”

And everyone’s like “your household your rules! Go do it bro!” But then once we have a situation like this, they’re somehow horrible people?

When it’s a 21 year old adult who doesn’t even need to rely on them financially anymore, and openly lied about them at their workplace, when they were helping them out anyway by picking them up from work, not knowing they’re talking badly about them in their workplace. wow.

archell writes:

NTA. Having had your living expenses paid by your parents and the reason for you being asked to leave their house are two separate issues.

Your parents did what any reasonable parent would do for you when they gifted your living expenses so that you could save for your future. Gifts do not come with conditions so don't feel guilty, because I doubt that your parents would begrudge you that despite what has happened.

Your parents didn't like that you were leaving the church which again is normal for people that are deeply emeshed in their chosen religion, but that wasn't the reason for them evicting you although it would have scored points against you in their minds.

I get the sense that you coming out as being gay was not in itself the greatest issue either. The main issue was that they assumed that you would have a bad infuence on your siblings if they allowed you to stay in the house. They clearly don't understand that your siblings sexuality will not be influenced by you and that is both their error and their shame.

You told your boss that you were being evicted because you were gay which was a truthful statement, so you are not TA for telling the truth. You are not TA for your parents reaction either. They are embarrassed by the community's reaction though and they are trying to blame you for that when it is completely on them.

crista0 writes:

There IS a lot to unpack here, but based on the edits it looks like OP has found good insight. As I was reading, I thought “ how could mom be surprised that OP is under the impression they’re being kicked out when the phrase ‘can’t handle someone living in sin under their roof’ was used?”

It sounds as if the parents are being manipulative, even if it’s inadvertent. It took me a long time to learn how to identify when someone is being vague and to poke at them for clarity to avoid situations like this.

The kindness of the parents being a part of OPs reasoning speaks volumes of their self-awareness and gratitude. But as always, unless the specific kindness came with terms and conditions, it’s not really a point of consideration IMO.

I’m glad mother didn’t try to throw that in OP’s face. It would reek of “I’m only nice to you as long as you’re cisgender and heterosexual. You don’t deserve my kindness for being anything else.”

OP is entitled to telling their boss as much as they’re comfortable with, especially if a future employer has to reach out. Context when you somewhat suddenly quit is the difference between burning a bridge unnecessarily for leaving them “high and dry” and a glowing review for your time up until the very end.

Also, it’s been my experience that when you get a melting pot of people together, like a shuffled deck, and the majority can AGREE that something you did is wrong, what you did was probably wrong. A workplace isn’t like a church, where you gather based on like-mindedness or a commonality of values/ideology.

Random people get together around a means of production and say “this is how I choose to make money.” So that part of the story was very telling (not a surefire shortcut to perspective, but it helps).

A person’s reaction is often when they tell on themselves. Mom got mad and immediately defended herself, instead of something like a calm “what? Why would they think that? Why would YOU think that?” which might indicate a genuine miscommunication.

Also worth pointing out that the conditions were all based in control, even to the point of WEBSITES. You could even press mom as to why the friends/SO op would make are assumed to be bad influences. In that moment, mom told on herself. She agreed with the idea, but disagreed on the details.

If the telling of this story is accurate, the whole “I just didn’t want you talking about it around your siblings” was an embellishment, after the fact, to make the shit fact of the matter look prettier. Stuff like this is black and white.

“Will you allow me to continue to live with you if I’m nb lesbian and choose to be open about it? No? Okay, then you’re kicking me out for being nb lesbian and choosing to be open about it.”

Unless siblings are incredibly young (not my business, just for the sake of argument), they already know OP has basically left the church. Years of no participation kinda lays that out bare.

OP is NTA. Mom just knows that what she put out there is pretty bad and doesn’t like the idea of publicly standing by it.

Update 1:

I use they/he pronouns! Thank you! I have anxiety and am a bit overwhelmed replying to everyone, but please know I read them and see them and I'm so so grateful for everything people are saying. Sometimes it's hard to see the manipulation from the inside. Thank you

I just got out of therapy and I've gained some new internal clarity to this situation bc of comments and what my therapist said. I'm going to just paste what I responded to someone questioning why my mom is still driving me and picking me up from work/why they're giving me time to pack if they're kicking me out:

"You've clearly never been a victim of Mormon niceties then. Mormons are all about keeping up appearances. If they'd kicked me out on the street the night of, absolutely their reputations would've come into question.

Half the reason why I've been so conflicted and wondering if I'm in the wrong is because they're not explicitly pushing me out of the house. They're still saying that it's my choice to move out, and they'd love to have me stay... So long as I stop being gay. I'm sorry that that experience happened to you, but it in no way resembles what I'm going through."

Mormons are cultists. They're all about keeping up appearances. My whole life in the church has been keeping up an appearance of a perfect family, and my parents still want to maintain that allusion. Hence telling me I can stay as long as I hide being gay. Anything for the perfect eternal family, right?

And now, OP's 2nd update:

So update! Im now in my second apartment after moving out, have a full-time job in an area I love, and I own three cats now. I'm doing pretty good for myself and keep a tight budget.

I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out and assured me that what my parents did is fd up. I have an amazing therapist now and have begun to unlearn a lot of the stuff that I was taught as a Mormon. Thank you especially to all the fellow exmormons who reached out.

About a month ago, my mom reached out. She apologized sincerely and told me I was welcome to come back home and that she had joined a bunch of Facebook groups and is working on it, it being not being a bigot lol. I told her that I'm not coming home and I need time.

I don't think that we will stay no contact forever, but for now that's where I'm at. I appreciated her apology, and it seems as though she's really trying. Still feel like shit that I basically got kicked out, but, you know. She's trying, and I think ill eventually get there with the help of therapy.

Update 3:

So a happy update! Life is good. Mom has apologized. I suggested she go to therapy that isn't just talking with her bishop.

Thank you to everyone. I was a wreck when I left home but now I've never been happier. To fellow people stuck in cults: it gets better. There's resources to help you get out. You will be okay.