'AITA for not allowing my ex-husband and his wife to take full custody of my kids?'
"AITA for not allowing my ex-husband and his wife to take full custody of my kids?"
Hey everybody! I’m really hoping to get some outside perspective on a situation that’s been weighing heavily on my mind, so please bear with me; this might be a bit long.
Backstory: I met my ex-husband, Eric, in college. Little did I know back then that he was cheating on me with a girl who lived on campus, and I was completely oblivious.
We got married, had a pretty good marriage at first, and welcomed three kids into our lives [13F, 8M, 5M]. It wasn’t until years later that my sister clued me in on Eric's infidelity when he showed up late to her wedding with a woman named Rianna. I was shocked and felt utterly blind-sighted because I had no idea who Rianna was, thinking she was just a friend of my sister’s.
To cut a long story short, after finding out about his cheating — which happened while I was raising our kids — I filed for divorce. We ended up with a 50/50 custody arrangement. I had the kids during the weekdays, while Eric took them Friday through Saturday, occasionally Sunday mornings.
All the while, I struggled with the emotional fallout and the fact that he married Rianna shortly after our divorce, which added more salt to the wound since they now have two kids together (10 and 6) as a result of their relationship.
Fast forward to now: I’ve remarried and recently had a daughter with my new husband, who is now just a few weeks old. Honestly, the transition has been tough. I feel like I’m juggling a lot — raising three kids, a newborn, and trying to forge a life after what I went through with Eric.
My family, with the exception of my mom and sister, have always sided with Eric, praising him for being the "good" father while conveniently forgetting he cheated on me and left me to handle everything on my own.
This past weekend, my kids came back from Eric's place, and they were expressing annoyance about their baby sister crying and how I ask them to help out occasionally.
I ask them to do simple things like watch her while I run to the bathroom, make a small bottle now and then, or give her a pacifier. Just typical big sibling duties — nothing that should be too overwhelming. However, my 8- and 5-year-old were complaining a bit too much for my liking.
Things escalated when Eric and Rianna suggested that they should take full custody of the kids, claiming that the new baby was changing family dynamics and affecting my kids’ academic progress.
I totally understand that having a newborn can be an adjustment, but I think asking them to pitch in here and there is not “parentifying” them. I just want to involve them so they don’t feel neglected or uncared for, which I believe can be common for kids in blended families.
I had a talk with my kids about it, and they told me they were just joking around and actually enjoyed helping. I was firm with them about how it's not funny to joke about such serious things, especially with their dad and stepmom, who, let’s be real, will do anything to get back at me for the divorce.
Things took a turn when Rianna texted me saying she wanted what's best for the kids and that the newborn would negatively impact their lives. I’ve seriously had enough, so I ignored her message and blocked her.
But then she had the audacity to text my oldest daughter, claiming that I didn’t care about their happiness, which is just flat-out untrue. My husband and my mom have been supportive, telling me that Eric and Rianna are overreacting, and my sister has been a rock, advising me to just ignore them.
Now Eric is trying to push for this full custody arrangement again, and I’m at a crossroads. His side of the family insists I should bow out for the "well-being" of the kids and that I'm as bad a mother as I was a wife. I really want to know — AITA for not allowing this? Am I being unreasonable in wanting to keep my family dynamic as it is?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Of course you’re not ! And what they are doing is actually is very serious , you can go to a judge and say they are talking negatively about you, it’s called “parental alienation” and they can adjust custody or order your ex and his wife to shut the hell up.
You need a lawyer in the mix ASAP. You need all communication to go through a parenting app. For now 100% do not ask the kids to do ANYTHING for the baby and make time to do a few one on one things with them.
Your ex and his wife are totally whispering in the kids ears... going to try and be the FUN parents with little or no rules and are trying to alienate your kids from you. You need to go ALL IN on addressing this NOW. And duh you would be the AH if you let these AH steal your kids. NTA.
Aware_Pie_1985 (OP)
I do have a lawyer thank god so we’ll be handing that. I will make sure we get a good app the system and us have access to so there living proof do anything else that happens. How in the world would I stop my kids from helping with the baby? That’s all they wanna do, “can I..” “please mom..” “mommy can I” everything with the baby. It’s like they’re obsessed with her.
WTAF? How on earth would separating the children from a loving mother (or father) be in their best interest? Don’t let them get to you this is total BS. Of course a new baby is an adjustment for all but so what? I truly don’t understand. Do they think these children should just be sheltered from realities of life?
Is resilience and not having things 100% the way a kid wants it to be suddenly a bad thing? I’m infuriated and you should be too. Unless there is more to this story they couldn’t be more wrong that is a terrible thing to suggest. And to text your child and involve them in this nonsense is disgusting. They should be ashamed of themselves.
He showed up to your sister’s wedding with the woman he was cheating with? And you were not there? And he was parenting two small children while you guys were married, living together, and raising kids? And your whole family except your sister and mom are on his side about everything? I’m calling malarkey.
Aware_Pie_1985 (OP)
I was at the wedding but I left early because I felt sick, he got there after me because he had told me he would be working later than normal, which I didn’t see any signs of lies.
I still think it’s unbelievable that someone’s husband would bring the other woman to their wife’s sister’s wedding.
Aware_Pie_1985 (OP)
So did I when she told me.