'AITA for refusing to let my husband lend my dying mother-in-law our daughter's phone?'

"AITA for refusing to let my husband lend my dying mother-in-law our daughter's phone?"

My MIL has leukemia and has been in and out of hospital quite a lot for the past 3 years. It's especially difficult to get any updates on her condition when she is in hospital because she hasn't put my husband (her only child and only living relative) as her next of kin on her forms so the staff are reluctant to give him information. And she refuses to get a mobile phone.

The last time she got out of hospital my husband told her how stressful it was trying to get information on how she was doing, and she told him that he would have to deal with it because she has no interest in getting a mobile phone.

When I got a new phone last year, I gave my 10 year old daughter my old one. She primarily uses it to upload YouTube shorts. She's been working at uploading every day recently and got her 9th subscriber and 100th view a few days ago - she was ecstatic and said she was going to keep building her channel and become a YouTuber.

Tonight, my MIL phoned my husband and said she wanted his advice. She told him she'd been to see her GP, who told her if she didn't go to the hospital right away she wouldn't live to see the morning. She wanted to know what she should do. He told her it was obvious what she should do - go to the hospital!

She said she didn't like the idea of going to the hospital and wanted him to give her an alternative. He told her to stop being ridiculous and get to the hospital ASAP.

He asked her why the GP didn't arrange an ambulance if it was that serious, and she said she told the GP not to bother phoning an ambulance because she has a lunch tomorrow afternoon and she would have to make arrangements to reschedule it and also arrange for her dog to be cared for.

After a few minutes of back and forth, she told my husband that she wasn't going to phone an ambulance and disturb the paramedics, that she would just see how she goes overnight and if she dies, she dies. My husband then said he would come over and bring her himself, to which she was very thankful.

My husband then came to me and asked where my daughter's phone was, I said it was in her room and asked why. He said he was taking it to give to MIL while she's in hospital and I told him he wasn't.

I told him that 1) it was my phone and I gave it to our daughter. 2) if MIL wanted a phone, she's had more than enough time to get one. 3) Our daughter would feel like she was being punished by having her phone removed,

and 4) if MIL wanted him to have information about her while she's in hospital, she'd have made him her next of kin. He has made it clear to her how difficult it is for him to get information, but she hasn't done anything to make it easier. He got really angry with me and said I'm being difficult and he's left in a huff with me.

I rang my mum to vent and she said that I should have given over my daughter's phone, but my dad said I was absolutely in the right. Now I'm conflicted. So, AITA?

Edit to add: several people are focusing on the fact that my daughter uses YouTube. While I understand the concern, her face appeared briefly in 2 videos that have now been deleted.

The videos she uploads are mostly stop-motion videos involving her toys and random household objects so she doesnt appear in them at all, and comments are switched off. I also didn't ask about that, I asked if I was the @$$hole for not letting MIL take the phone.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA but I have a feeling MIL doesn't want a phone so that she can keep you all guessing. Refuses to go to the hospital, supposedly in a very bad way, and frets about her lunch plans and dog? Then is "very grateful" when your husband jumps in? No lunch and dog concerns then?

I'm sorry your MIL is ill and it must be scary. But there us only so much good will around when she makes things difficult for everyone else

No-Yam-1231 said:

NTA. Your MIL is super manipulative and is toying with your husband.

Particular_Title42 said:

NTA. Husband can get mom a burner phone and hospital rooms have had telephones in them for decades.

[deleted] said:

NTA. The phone is not the issue. The MIL is the issue, and your husband's refusal to set boundaries. If she doesn't designate him next of kin, then he won't get updates. That's how it works. If she wants him to know what's going on, she can make that happen.

Bringing this person a phone she hasn't asked for is not a solution to any of the current problems. Your husband needs counseling to understand how his mother's push and pull has messed him up, unless he would like to also screw up his own children.

[deleted] said:

When it comes to the MIL having your daughters phone, absolutely NTA. I get he’s angry, but his anger should be placed on her. Not you. She’s the one making This difficult.

However, YTA for allowing and encouraging your TEN YEAR OLD to post YouTube shorts. That is so insanely irresponsible and out of touch. You’re encouraging your small child to put herself on the internet when she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand that responsibility, or the cognitive awareness to understand what a big deal that is.

There’s a reason it’s typically frowned upon for kids to post pictures and videos of themselves. We all did it and many of us deeply regret it. There’s videos of me online as a child I’m trying to get taken down but can’t. For you to not only allow that, but encourage it is ridiculous.

Do you know how many people target children that post videos? They do that because it’s easy access and it shows that the parents aren’t as responsible as they should be. You’re setting your ten year old up for a life of adults masturbating to her and trying to get in contact with her. Good luck with that OP.

About 1 1/2 years later OP posted about about her mother-in-law's will:

MIL died in May and she left a distant random friend as executor and trustee instead of my husband, her only child. She was notoriously difficult in life, and even more so in death.

My husband and our 2 children are the only beneficiaries and she left a sizeable estate. We didn't see all the bank accounts, but we saw a few of them and there's almost half a million across the bank accounts we did see. The majority of the money has been left to our kids, and the property has been left to my husband.

As of this week, probate has not been applied for and funeral directors have not been paid from the estate. My husband has urged the executor to chase this up, but he keeps telling him he will get to it and get back to him, but never does. My husband has been very patient but nobody is telling him any information and he can't sell the house until it's in his name, and it is currently sitting empty.

We got an email from the solicitor dealing with the estate confirming that the funeral was paid for last week. My husband phoned the funeral director to confirm, and the funeral director told him that when he contacted the solicitor dealing with the estate, he was told that there isn't enough money in the estate to cover the cost of the funeral and he will have to chase my husband for the payment.

Where do we stand, here? What can we do? My husband has tried to contact the solicitor and executor and neither of them get back to him. The only thing the executor has said is that he wants originals of our children's birth certificates to set up the trusts, and he does not want us involved in the setting up of the trusts.

He refuses to tell us why. We told him we are uncomfortable with this and have heard nothing back. It just seems really fishy to me! We have sought our own legal counsel but she has emailed them and doesn't get much of a response, either. She said that there isn't much else she can do, but surely there's something!!