Woman's brother snubs her birthday, then refuses to attend her son's party until SHE apologizes. AITA?
"AITA for not apologising to my brother after he missed my birthday?"
ExperienceFrosty457
I (30f) have always loved celebrating my birthday. My parents were not amazing parents but my Mum always made sure on our birthdays a big deal was made. I got married quite young (21) and didn't have a lot of money at the time so our wedding was very cheap, it was even BYO.
I still loved it but always regretted not being able to pay for a big meal for everyone. So for my 30th, because I'm in a way better financial position, I wanted to do something where I paid for everyone's food and drink and we all had fun.
I told everyone about it months in advance as I had to pre pay for the venue and let them know about catering. It got to a month before my birthday and my brother (26m) hadn't RSVPd yet so I messaged him to ask.
He said that he wouldn't be coming as him and his girlfriend had just bought a puppy and could not leave the puppy unattended that long. I responded asking him if there was no one else that could look after the dog to which he responded the dog was "his responsibility not anyone elses".
I explained to him how upset I was as it felt like he wasn't even trying to come. He said he didn't see what the big deal was and I always make him uncomfortable by guilting him about stuff like this.
For context, I have gotten mad at him before for not attending my son's birthday party and not letting me know he wasn't coming. We argued a bit about other history thats not relevant. What made me mad more than anything was his complete inability to empathise. He made me feel like I was being the difficult one for being upset with him.
5 years ago I would have lost it and told him to get out of my life forever but I've done a lot of therapy in that time and I simply said I wasn't going to let him make me feel bad for having a valid response to my own brother missing an important birthday to me. I said I needed a break from talking to him so I could enjoy my birthday and I loved him. We left it at that.
It's been 6 months, it is now coming up to my sons birthday and I sent him an invite as I don't believe in withholding my kids from someone because I'm mad, my parents did that a lot. He hasn't responded and when my Mum asked him if he was coming he said he was waiting on a conversation with me first.
In my family that means I will be the one that has to call and he will expect me to apologise for being upset with him or he won't come to my son's birthday. He is more stubborn than I am so it will have to be the way it goes for him to come. AITA if I just don't apologise and continue the stalemate?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Forward-Dingo1431
I'm not taking sides here, but you could call and speak with him and not apologize and see what happens. Just say, "Hey, how's it going. Are you coming to my son's birthday party? " NTA.
ExperienceFrosty457
I've honestly been considering this option which is why I put up the post I feel like I should have called him myself to see if he was coming rather than my Mum asking but was afraid it would end in an apology on my part but maybe if I just ask casually like that it wouldn't have to turn into a serious talk.
Pretend-Sundae-2371
I'm going with YTA/ESH here mostly because I suspect that the "history that isn't relevant" is in fact very relevant. You think he owes you an apology and he thinks you owe him one. Your birthday is important to you. A 30th birthday is a big birthday and is is understandable you want to celebrate.
But it sounds like this isn't a one off, that you have always done big birthday things and that that now applies to your son. Just because this is important to you doesn't mean other people's social calendars have to revolve around it and my YTA assessment is based on the fact that you refuse to understand that.
An invitation is not a summons. Your brother said he couldn't make it, and so fixed the thing you were annoyed about for your son's birthday (him not telling you that he couldn't make it). If he says he can't come to your son's birthday this year, how are you going to react?
Ziitiikii
Totally agree, and the comment he made about her always guilting into things makes me think this has been an ongoing issue and he is setting up his boundaries.
Direct_Commission492
NTA. Your brother is acting like a petulant 2 year old child by refusing to go to his nephews party until you apologize to him. Also apologize for what? You didn’t do anything wrong in my Opinion.
no_good_namez
NAH/ESH you also don’t seem to empathize with his perspective. I’m sorry your brother doesn’t value these birthday events like you do. It doesn’t seem like you expressed any interest in his new pet which can also be a momentous passage for some people. It was passive aggressive of you to send another invite after initiating a relationship break because of arguing over invitations.