'AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?' 'I feel like a single mother.'

"AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?"

My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September. We knew he had less than a year. Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I’d chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening.

Our weekends were spent at his parents’ house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada). So we’ve essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother.

Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying. He needs way more attention and care than my toddler. So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father.

Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2. I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc.

My reasoning to my husband was I didn’t want him to feel torn between two families, and when I’m pregnant, I will need him with us, but right now his father needs him. He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January. All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday.

My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. He does not handle loss well. Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows. This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can’t tell someone how to grieve.

My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I’m arguing with him for grieving “in advance” before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn’t want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn’t be left to pickup the pieces. Now he’s telling me I’m not being understanding or sympathetic when he’s about to lose his father. So, AITA?

EDIT:

I appreciate all of the criticisms, truly. Upon further reflection, I’ve realized this stems from my job. Since this diagnoses, I’ve been demoted and later “warned” about missing so much work.

I’m terrified at the thought of losing my job while pregnant with a second baby. Perhaps my priorities are out of whack, but it’s a very real fear and it’s driving me to be resentful which is absolutely misplaced.

I’m not going to bash my husband, but we have literally argued about my feeling sick (due to pregnancy) and not watching our daughter closely enough while he’s on a FT call. Little things like this have also played a role in my anxiety and stress.

Also, I didn’t include any notes of ‘having sympathy’ overall for my husband, my in-laws, or my dear FIL because I didn’t think it was relevant to the question I was posing. I guess my tone made me sound a lot worse.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Puzzleheaded-Age-240 said:

This is a tough one. You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn't be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain. But a long, drawn-out end of life scenario is something you can't really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you.

It's most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn't able to meet his end of the agreement right now. It's possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterwards. Either way, he's speaking from a place of immense pain right now and you're speaking from a place of exhaustion.

I actually think this is NAH here because you're both under so much extra stress. Can you at least get a few hours break over the weekend? Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend and you can stay home and rest.

Give them some space for their grief. Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone. I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time.

icerguy0211 said:

TBH NAH- your husband is going through a major trauma and life event. I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own. It's got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you. Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time?

But saying he can't grieve before it's even happened? Grief doesn't work like that. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again?

You absolutely should not have caved and should've held firm. Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions, having another baby shouldn't have even been on the table.

mrsrossmrrachel said:

This post makes me sad. I’m not going to call anyone an asshole but why get married if you’re not going to support each other through the hardest parts of life? People should be able to rely on their spouse when life is hard. If you’re already resenting your husband for spending this time with his family, maybe it wasn’t the time to “cave” to getting pregnant right now

Puzzleheaded-Ad2795 said:

This is a really rough situation, and I’m sorry. I would make sure to emphasize to your husband that.. you’re not mad he’s grieving. You’re upset that you saw this problem coming, you told him, you didn’t want to do it, and he talked you into it, swearing it would be different.

It sounds like he didn’t really acknowledge or take in your feelings and fears. He just wanted another baby to distract himself from his dad dying, and didn’t think about what it would be like in reality enough.

But there’s unfortunately not much to be done about it now. You’re already pregnant, and his dad’s already dying. Does your family live nearby? Do you have any close friends? I think it would be best to lean on outside support. You can’t do this all on your own, and that’s okay.

Humble_Pen_7216 said:

Not to be unkind but what did you expect? Your husband has been grieving for months. Now that D-day is almost here, of course he is a mess. Why on earth did you get pregnant before he passed? If you want to help, find a grief counselor for your husband for next month and stop expecting him to be back to normal so fast.

GoreGoddezz said

YTA. Good grief his dad is dying! Have you ever lost a parent? Do you have any idea how horrible it is!! This is his dad. Someone he obviously loves very much and doesn't want to lose. You're only thinking about yourself. Very selfish im sorry.