'AITA for not buying gifts for my in-laws this Christmas?' 'They never get me anything.'

↵

"AITA for not buying gifts for my in-laws this Christmas?"

My wife and I both love celebrating Christmas and birthdays. We always buy each other gifts, and we also make sure to get gifts for my two nieces (8 and 2 years old) during Christmas and their birthdays.

Additionally, we buy gifts for my sister-in-law (SIL) and mother-in-law (MIL) for their birthdays and Christmas. If we are not able to be there physically (we live a few states away) we will still ship gifts directly to their house and they will wrap the gifts we got for them.

Here’s where it gets frustrating: they only buy gifts for my wife when we’re not physically there. For example, my birthday was a few months ago, and they didn’t get me anything, but we still sent gifts for both my MIL and SIL on their birthdays. They'll even be sure to send texts to my wife of what exactly they want.

When we visited them recently, they had birthday gifts for my wife ready, but I got nothing for mine earlier this year. They won't ship gifts like we do but they'll give to her the next time we visit but if my wife isn't able to be there physically, they will buy the gifts and just give them next time we visit.

This is not the case with me though. They never get me anything unless we are at their home on Christmas day or on my birthday. This has been the norm for ~4 years.

Also, my wife doesn’t have an income, so I’m the one paying for all these gifts. It’s really starting to bother me that they consistently ignore me unless we’re visiting them in person, yet I’m still expected to buy them gifts regardless of if we are visiting or not.

I told my wife that I don’t want to buy gifts for my MIL and SIL this year—I’ll still get gifts for my nieces, but if she wants to buy her mom and sister gifts, she can use her allowance from now on. She’s upset with me about this decision, but I just don’t feel like I’m treated as part of the family and want to stand my ground.

I feel bad for my wife because she is just in the middle of all this and it's not her fault her family does this. To clarify, it’s not about the gifts themselves—I don’t care what I get—but the lack of thought or acknowledgment makes me feel excluded.

EDIT:

Regarding the "allowance" - this was my wife's idea. It's for budgeting expenses. She uses it to buy stuff she wants or buy gifts without overspending. If she ever needs anything, she knows I'll get it.

I think it's stupid because I think she could just set a mental budget and stick to it but whatever, it works for her. The money we have belongs to both of us. Just to be clear, she is my equal and always will be.

Yes, my wife could technically just ignore me and her allowance and just get my SIL and MIL all the gifts they want but she obviously doesn't want to do this if it's just going to make me upset.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

HRHtheDuckyofCandS said:

Oh yea, my in-laws did this. I was working and my husband wasn’t so I was footing the bill for all of their gifts. They only gave him gifts for Xmas and birthday. His gifts would be given in person or they might mail a check.

Never anything for mine. This probably went on for 5 years. You should definitely have your boundaries and stop giving them gifts. If your wife doesn’t like it, I would suggest marital counseling. We are now estranged from my in-laws. NTA.

MOLPT said:

NTA. Suggest that holiday and birthday gifts from relatives be limited to underage children.

luckycookie77 said:

NTA. It’s not about being petty—it’s about feeling like you’re getting the short end of the stick. If you're the only one paying and putting in the effort, you deserve to feel like part of the family too. You’re not asking for gifts, just some recognition and fairness in the gift-giving game!

NUredditNU said:

NTA. Your wife is the real problem. Why hasn’t she tried standing up for you? Why is she mad that she has to spend her allowance money? She needs to check her family or zip it.

Chickets17 said:

NTA your wife needs to be forthright with her family and commuicate how they are treating you or budget accordingly and take care of presents for them herself, this is a fair compromise.

Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 said:

NTA. Your wife must see the blatant disrespect. Talk to her and tell her it really bothers you.

CMVqueen said:

NTA. My stepfamily never got my mom gifts even though she spent dozens of hours each year finding wonderful things for them. They just gave a gift to my stepdad. It’s pretty awful to be ignored as a human being in the family you’ve married into. After decades it’s dehumanizing.