Man uninvited from wedding when brother learns he is gay, family sides with groom. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for not caring that I was uninvited to my older brother’s wedding?"
MiserableWait2784
This whole thing is so weird. I, (27M), am gay. I came out at 16 and my parents told me they would always love me, but to not mention it to my older brother who I'll call Brick, (then 19M, 30M now).
When I was confused and asked why, they said that Brick had expressed some awful opinions about gay people. I limited talking to Brick until I moved out at 18, which wasn't much of a problem because we were never close. I went to uni, got good job, and an awesome boyfriend (28M), in my home city.
Me and my boyfriend Angel live a peaceful life. Peaceful until a few days ago when I got a call from my brother. I was concerned that Brick was calling me, as we have never messaged before, just had each other's numbers for emergency purposes.
I picked up because maybe there was some emergency happening. He opened the call with an annoyed "hey man" and I knew something was up. He said he was getting married to his fiance Yen (24F) next year.
I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! I was like "that's great Brick!" and asked some boring wedding things that he begrudgingly answered. He then told me invites were being sent out in a couple weeks, and that I could bring a plus one.
Here's where I made the mistake that started this mess. Without thinking like an idiot, I said, "cool, I'll bring my boyfriend." Major. Mess up. Brick immediately started yelling insults down the line, screaming that he "wouldn't have an [f slur] at his wedding."
I didn't say anything and just hung up. I was rattled by hearing those words from my own brother's mouth, even though I knew his feelings about people like me. I told Angel, and he comforted me, ordering in my favourite restaurant and watching movies with me, which was awesome.
We went to bed later and I felt alright the next day. I sent my parents a message that Brick invited me and uninvited me from his wedding pretty much in the same breath, and went on my way to work, not a clue of the crapstorm waiting for me when I got off.
When I turned my phone on again after my shift, it was blowing UP. Messages and calls from my parents and relatives galore asking me what the f happened? I phoned my parents back when I got home and gave them the run down of what happened, and said I honestly didn't care because it's not like Brick would be coming to my wedding anyway.
My parents immediately chastised me for my "obvious disinterest and disregard of my brother's life" and told me I should be apologizing to HIM for bringing my personal life into his wedding. WHAT?
I basically told my parents to screw off and have been getting bombarded with messages from relatives to apologize to my brother and get my invite reinstated, and apologize to my parents for disrespecting them, but I really don't want to. Angel's reassuring me that I did nothing wrong, but it's still nagging me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Dittoheadforever
You're NTA and it's easy to see where your brother got his attitude.
"my parents told me they would always love me, Yeah, until the rubber met the road."
Your parents sure let you down.
"My parents...told me I should be apologizing to HIM for bringing my personal life into his wedding."
Huh? Isn't it natural to respond to an invitation with a Plus 1 to say great, I will bring my significant other?
"Angel's reassuring me that I did nothing wrong."
He is right.
Ok_Number_4988
Why did your brother sound annoyed at the beginning of the call? Did he already know? Or was he being forced to invite you by your parents? Seems weird.
TheMagnificentPrim
And on the parents asking him to apologize, you can tell they’re not actually supportive because they’re still treating queer identities like a kink that needs to be kept out of the non-consenting public eye, interests that people can have opinions on and not intrinsic parts of who they are.
They’re effectively treating this like OP requested that he show up in fetish gear. Absolutely NTA. We need to lay these ideas about queer identities to bed already.
lemon_charlie
NTA. If he's a homophobe and the family condone his homophobia they're enabling it, and the wedding will have a homophobic attitude. Your parents warned you about Brick, which proved sadly true since the moment he realised he went straight to the slurs.
Even if you did apologise then you know you'll be in for abuse at the wedding if Brick ever accepts it.Angel is right, and the one treating you best. Tell your family you won't be the punching bag for Brick's hate.
Tonya-burner
NTA. Ask them why they want to defend a homophobe so much instead of showing kindness and love to you. I’m sorry your relatives are all being awful to you.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
MiserableWait2784
Y'all have really opened my eyes on a lot of issues in my family. I apologize for only replying to a few comments, there's just so many of you! Big shoutout to all the people who gave compliments to Angel, I showed him this post last night and he thanks you all. I've been showing him lots of love because he really is an angel.
And to the people calling this fake, AI, cliche and whatnot, I hate to break it to you all, but this is just my life. It sounds "cliche" because this is the sort of all too real thing that happens to many people in the community. Just move along if you want to say that stuff, because you're honestly just wasting your time.
One of two things I would also like to address is people questioning me about thinking I could possibly be the AH in this situation, and all I can say, is that when you have a mass of people telling you you're wrong for what you did, it's hard to not maybe believe them just a little bit, no matter how absurd it is.
Second thing, for people wondering how no one in the family knew I was gay, I really was never/am not close with my extended family, as they all live in different provinces, and my immediate family never travelled.
We really just send each other holiday and birthday messages, and have brief conversations whenever those are sent, and I just never had the urge to come out to them.
Anywayef, onto the update. I decided I didn't want to let this sit for any longer. I took a day off work, and I added my parents, Brick, and all the family that messaged/called me into one big group chat, per one advice I saw here.
I laid out everything that went down to them, in case they were told a different story by my parents and brother. I told them that I was going NC with my parents and Brick no matter what, and if they didn't apologize and realize what they did wrong, or I cut them off too. I turned my phone off and continued on without it for the rest of the day.
Once I turned my phone on again, I had lots of messages from them. My parents were outraged, and Brick said nothing. Some of my extended family apologized and told me that my parents just told them I was mean to Brick about some of his wedding plan choices which got me uninvited.
Still trying to wrap my head around how stupid that is. Seriously think my parents might be neanderthals. Anyway, the real story made other's even more angry and more insistent that I apologize, and they were promptly blocked.
I didn't answer any of my parents texts/calls and blocked. I feel like I have a weight off my shoulders. I'm not concerned about my parents showing up at our apartment, as they moved away from my city last year.
Me and Angel are planning a lovely trip (per advice of a lot of people that we thought was great) to France to visit his family during when the wedding will be taking place, which I'm very excited for! I've heard nothing but good things about them. This will most likely be my only update on this post, and I thank you all for your support!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Able_Praline807
Oftentimes, the AITA mods are the biggest ones! They're the only issue I have with the subreddit. They've even engaged in blatant transphobia by removing (at least) one post that I noticed and calling it "political" or some BS like that.
I think their popularity has made them too big for their britches. So thanks for posting your update here! (Now I'm going to go back and reread your post -- it's in an article on George Takei's FB page -- and the update properly, lol.)
estili
Surprising no one, the parents are homophobes too! “Support” without any actual backup, and enabling of the flagrantly homophobic brother.
LowBalance4404
"told Angel, and he comforted me, ordering in my favourite restaurant and watching movies with me'
Awww...and this is how you do relationships. I know it's not the point of your post, but hang on to Angel. That guy is a keeper.
Anyway, NTA. You didn't bring your personal life into Brick's wedding. You mentioned your plus one. I would tell anyone that aren't your parents or Brick that this doesn't concern them and ask why are they involving themselves in this. And please don't apologize for anything to your parents or to Brick. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
electoralvoter8
Queer person: exists
Non queer person: wtf why would u do this to me
A tale as old as time unfortunately. Good riddance to bad news going nc with the neanders.
QuietCelery7850
I’d wager that Brick never wanted to invite OP in the first place, and it was their parents who forced the issue in the first place.