'AITA for not caring that my ex is dying of cancer?' 'What's any of that gotta do with me?'
"AITA for not caring that my ex has cancer?"
I (27F) had my first relationship right after graduating high school and it lasted for 4 years. I was a straight laced shy and super socially awkward kid. I made friends with a guy in my class who was practically the opposite of me. Outgoing, liked to party, take lots of risks, and overall wanted to have a good time and didnt take anything too seriously.
We dated for 4 years. We honestly should have never dated. It was trainwreck of a relationship. One of my deal breakers was smoking. For personal reasons I didn't want to deal with it in regards to a SO. He however told me he didn't smoke only for me to find out he did.
Now you probably are wondering why I never just left. You see that was where the begging, crying and promising to change part came in. Which gullible me would give in and say okay to every time. He just continued to lie throughout the relationship and it wasnt just for smoking, but many other things.
I found out he was telling everyone I was some gold digger despite me paying for 70% of our dates and things while he crashed in my place. He told me he "almost" cheated on me. He was never reliable or on time to anything. Being with him made me into the ugliest version of myself. Anyways eventually after 4 years he dumped me.
Claimed he hated me and was embarrassed to be seen with me. It is what it is. I was heartbroken for a bit. 4 years of a fairly manipulative relationship kinda took its toll on me and I was probably fairly attatched to him. I had entered my young adulthood with no sense of identity either and never took the chance to explore and develop myself.
9 months later he messaged me on my birthday. All he had to say was "I know there's nothing to be happy about rn, but happy birthday." At that point something clicked. I was lowkey flourishing during lockdown...
So he could speak for himself. I messaged him to delete my number and proceeded to block him on everything. Figured that bridge was burned time to move on. I dont want to bring baggage into any new friendships/ relationships.
5years later. I am happy... pretty content when out of nowhere my best friend messages me saying my ex reached out to her. He claimed he wanted her to give me a letter since he assumed I was still mad at him.
He claimed he wanted to thank me for a lot of things, but to also invite me to his funeral if I would go because he was dying from stage 3 cancer. Well my response to my friend was "What's any of that gotta do with me?" She was a little surprised. Said sure he never treated me well, but that what he was going through was awful. Others shared a similar sentiment.
Don't get me wrong. What he is going through is devastating, but it literally does not impact my life. My circle is small, but I am a ride of die for those people in that circle and he removed himself long ago. I gave him my email for the letter. Should I have more empathy or am I a jaded ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
_iamstardust_ said:
NTA. You are protecting your continued peace from someone that had a negative impact on your life for 4 years. Being sympathetic as a human being for another human being is natural, and what he is going through certainly is unfortunate. However, you should not feel obligated to attend the funeral of a person you’ve pretty decisively cut out of your life several years prior.
No-Fox-1528 said:
He's trying to manipulate you for sure. Stage 3 is not stage 4, and while horrible, doesn't necessarily mean that you're planning your funeral at that moment. He's looking for sick sympathy.
Saberune said:
NTA. Like you said, the bridge is burned. You should've left long before it ended, but you didn't. Lucky for you, he did the heavy lifting for you and set you free. In the most a#% way possible, but he did.
Now he's just somebody that you used to know. The correct course is to have general empathy. Say "I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Thoughts and prayers!", then put it right back in you're rear view where it belongs.
Fickle_Obligation986 said:
Most of the responses I've read to this point accept he has cancer but f him anyway. But I don't for one second believe it's true. His claims of cancer are more fake the most fake OP I have ever read on here. Ignore him either way. NTA.
dryadduinath said:
NTA. You don’t have a relationship. You haven’t had a relationship for five, almost six years. There’s nothing there. If you’d kept in touch, sure, but there is simply nothing there. Also, if you’re jaded, it’s probably because he lied to you, lied about you, and said terrible things to you, only to cry and beg you to stay, only to do it all again. Are you jaded, or are you wise to his ways?
Sue_in_Victoria said:
NTA. You owe him nothing. He didn’t care that he was grinding you into a shell of yourself. You don’t have to care that he has cancer. You literally do not. It says nothing about who you are.
HomeworkDry4850 said:
NTA Your ex is an abusive ahole who, even on the verge of dying, wants to abuse you again. You don't owe him anything. Is it bad for you not to see your ex dying? No, because he abused you.
Why would you risk your mental health? If your friends tell you "you're the bad one" they are wrong, they don't know what you suffered and the hell you went through. Don't let social pressure make you see your ex again.