'AITA for not changing therapists despite my wife thinking I'm having an affair with mine?'

"AITA for not changing therapists despite my wife thinking I'm having an affair with mine?"

I (32) have been involved in a violent incident a few years back as one of the survivors. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it has obviously left a mark. At first I thought I was doing okay, but as the weeks passed I was becoming more irritable & less present. I couldn't sleep, I lashed out & I was struggling at work.

I kept having thoughts about how I could have acted differently, or how I could have avoided the situation altogether, or how I could save people. And sometimes those thoughts would come at the worst moments and ruin a full night's sleep, or a great day with our daughter. It was really hard.

The worst part was that I was being really impatient with our daughter (6) and I started to really hate the parent I was becoming & even avoiding her. My wife (27) was very patient at first, but eventually she had enough as well, and we realized this wasn't going to work long term, and I needed help.

So I started therapy & medication. And this came with two major issues - first, medication took a long time to start working & I was dealing with side effects before I ever felt the actual effect. The other issue is that I had a hard time finding a therapist I could actually connect with.

I don't say they did anything wrong, but there was always a lot of silence & what I felt was judgement involved. I felt guilty for not doing well, for not getting better etc. but things eventually did get better.

Part of it I think was the meds, but another part was my therapist. She very quickly realized that silence made me uncomfortable, and tried what she herself says some of her colleagues frown upon - she sometimes just shoots the breeze with me.

So she tells me about her own experiences sometimes or even talks about unrelated stuff, and it really helped put me at ease & open up, and sessions have been going really well for months now. I feel I've been doing better & better able to process things.

I haven't been sleeping as well as I hoped I would - but I've been doing better. I've been a better husband & better father, and I owe at least some of it to my therapist. A few weeks ago my car was in the shop, and I had my wife drop me off at therapy.

Then she saw my therapist and they exchanged pleasantries before my wife took our daughter to a nearby playground to wait to pick me up. When she picked me up she clearly had something on her mind, but she wouldn't tell me what the issue was.

After a few days of her being distant I confronted her again and she eventually confessed that she thought I had a crush on my therapist. She said the therapist has arm tattoos, which she knows I like, and she says she saw the therapist touching her hair which indicates she's into me as well, and she now thinks that the reason I've been doing better is that I'm feeling guilty about the affair I'm having.

I told my wife that I wasn't having an affair. She's not my mistress, she's not even my friend, she's a professional I pay to help me deal with my issue, and me doing well speaks for itself, and besides she could probably lose her license for dating a patient.

So even if there was something there nothing would ever happen, to which my wife said that I shouldn't have an issue changing therapists then and finding someone less attractive (I don't find my therapist particularly attractive, though I don't think it's relevant anyway).

I refused. I've been trying to explain that changing a therapist I actually get along with and is helping me is a bad idea. And besides, I don't want to reward what I think is unreasonable behavior. If my wife can't trust me, then I think our issues are bigger than me changing or not changing my therapy.

But how do I bring this up delicately? And this is an issue I don't know if I'm comfortable bringing up with my therapist because I worry it will make it more difficult for her to keep treating me, but also hiding things from my therapist clearly isn't going improve my treatment any. Still - AITA if I don't think the answer is to just change therapists because my wife got jealous?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Dlraetz1 said:

Bring your wife into a therapy session and bring her fear of the two of you being attracted to the table. It might help.

FicklePangolin4961 said:

NTA- but something is making your wife insecure and I would recommend getting to the bottom of it before it escalates. Maybe include her in a session or two so she feels more comfortable with the therapist? Do some small just special things for just your wife and acknowledge her feelings without validating them.

“I’m sorry you feel this way towards my therapist. Nothing is happening. Besides that one meeting, is there anything else happening to make you feel that way? Something I think has been a positive change is that I’m being a better husband and father thanks to her help.

Do you think that’s true?” I think your wife may be a little jealous that another woman (especially one described as “your type”) was able to pull you out of a funk that she couldn’t. Some spouses take their role as the emotional support person more seriously than others and when that’s challenged it feels like cheating (it’s not).

Muted-Condition-4299 said:

NTA. However, no matter how ridiculous your wife's feelings may be to you, she needs to feel like she has some ability to control the situation and that you're willing to make a change in some manner. Try this:

"I am scared to find a new therapist due to how difficult it was to find someone who works for me. I love you and I love our child. No part of me has any desire to put that in jeopardy. What can we do to help you feel more comfortable that does not involve me finding a new therapist? Maybe we can plan weekly date nights or go to couples counseling together?"

mattmann72 said:

NTA. Sounds like your wife needs therapy for insecurity.

diomiamiu said:

I’ll be honest - as someone with a health psych background, it does sound like the style of your therapist’s practice is crossing a line and that she may have some misplaced feelings. Your wife seems to be picking up on something too. Accusing you of cheating is a bit much, but I can see what she’s picking up on. It sounds like you’re not picking up on that vibe, so NTA.

taketotheskyGQ said:

NTA. You should be sleeping better by now so hopefully the therapist is doing trauma therapy, not just talk therapy. Sounds like you need couples therapy as ptsd takes a toll on the couple.