'AITA for not complimenting my friend's weight loss?' 'She said I was just jealous.'
"AITA for not complimenting my friend's weight loss?"
I (41F) have been friends with "Kelly" (40 F) since we were in middle school. She has been overweight for most of her life. Her highest was around 350lbs. For context I've been mostly around the 150 to 180 lb range since high school.
Kelly has tried over the years all the diet trends you can think of and nothing really has worked. She will get going pretty well and then stop and gain the weight back. I would always compliment and encourage her while she was losing but she mentioned this makes her feel self conscious and gets discouraged to keep going, since she feels like she is being treated differently.
A little over a year ago, she really went all in. No fads or quick fixes. Just changed her eating habits, committed to a walking plan and strength training, and other stuff. I'm not sure how much she has lost, but it has to be at least a 100lbs. So proud of her.
While at a party thrown at my house, one of the guests who had not seen Kelly in awhile complimented her for working hard and losing weight. Kelly responded: "At least someone is happy for me. My so-called friend has not said anything about it and does not seem to care."
I was taken aback and reminded her what she told me about praise. She said I was just being a jerk and felt jealous about her meeting her goals and should have still gave at least some encouragement. So now I am confused and wondering if I should have found a way to cheer her on. AITA?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
nefarious_planet said:
NTA, jeesh. She explicitly told you she felt uncomfortable with the compliments, so you stopped. You had no way of knowing that had changed, and she’s ridiculous for publicly calling you out at a party instead of coming to you as a friend and saying “hey, this hurt my feelings.”
Is this out of character for her? If so, it couldn’t hurt to give it a couple days and then check in. Losing a large amount of weight like that is a change I have a hard time wrapping my head around as someone who’s never been overweight...
So I can imagine a change like that throwing someone off-kilter and bringing up unexpected emotions as they learn to navigate the world in a new body.
CurbinKrakow said:
NAH. A piece of advice I was given by a teacher in high school: don't compliment on weight loss. Just don't. Compliment them on healthy, how happy they look. I am more concerned about how a friend feels in their body than the number on the scale.
MinervaZee said:
NTA. I’d have a conversation with her privately, though. Explain that you were respecting her wishes since she’d asked you not to compliment her or comment. Then tell her what you said here, that of course you’re proud of her! And ask how you would like her to engage.
Explain that you didn’t appreciate the jab, because you really were trying to follow her lead and give her the respect that she deserves. If her expectations of you had changed, she needed to tell you.
deber38 said:
An old friend of mine came to me once with a very heavy, emotional thing. I sat with them through it and encouraged them to keep working through it, told them I was proud of them for facing the difficult thing, and that they were awesome. They yelled at me, telling me that they never asked for that, that I made them feel worse and that I was such a bad friend.
A while after that, they came out as trans. I told them that was great, but didn’t offer any emotional support. They got mad at me for not being emotional for them. Sometimes humans just suck. NTA. You were doing the thing she asked you to do. Doesn’t make you a bad person. People just don’t always know how to communicate.
Initial_Potato5023 said:
NTA She is one of those...DAMNED if you do DAMNED if you don't. She is a being a ridiculous AH. You did nothing wrong just IGNORE.
Electronic-Smile-457 said:
I've complimented someone and then they gained it all back. Awkward. I complimented someone and she told me she had a stomach problem requiring surgery. Awkward. I had a colleague complain to us that no one was complimenting her on her weight loss. I told her these two stories and said-- no way do I say anything anymore. She got it. NTA.
lollira said:
NTA. You respected her wish not to comment on her weight. She may want validation now, but her past request was clear. A private, supportive chat could help.
finnisqueer said:
NTA. Your friend asked you not to do something, and you, being a good friend, didn't do that thing. She has no right to get mad at you for respecting her boundaries? She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.