'AITA for not considering my dad’s wife family and setting boundaries for my wedding and future children?'
"AITA for not considering my dad’s wife family and setting boundaries for my wedding and future children?"
When I was in 7th or 8th grade, my parents got divorced. A while after, my dad remarried a woman I’ll call Jennifer. Jennifer is a counselor by profession, and while she’s very soft-spoken, her voice tends to trail off mid-sentence until it’s nearly impossible to hear her. It’s always made conversations uncomfortable and awkward, even as a kid.
My brothers and I have all taken a very different path than her children. We each earned college degrees, played college sports, and worked hard to build stable, independent lives.
Jennifer’s kids, meanwhile, are not in the same place — one is unemployed and hasn’t bothered to find work, another had two children by the age of 22 without any financial stability, and the third hasn’t finished high school yet and is trying to complete it online due to serious social struggles.
Despite the fact that she had little to no role in raising us, Jennifer insists on calling us her “kids.” She expects us to refer to her as our “stepmother” and has made it clear she wants to be included in major life events — weddings, ceremonies, and even future family gatherings. She’s even said she expects our future children to call her grandma.
To be clear, my brothers and I have talked about this, and we all agree: she has no right to expect that. While we respect that she makes our dad happy and we are always polite to her, that’s where the relationship ends. She is not our mother, she is not our “bonus mom,” and she will not be a grandparent figure to our future kids.
When I get married, I’m planning to invite my dad — and only my dad. I have no intention of extending an invitation to Jennifer. My mom and I have discussed it, and we came to a respectful compromise: if Jennifer doesn’t attend, my mom will be able to come and enjoy the day peacefully without tension or awkwardness.
I’m not trying to be cruel. Jennifer seems like she truly believes she’s part of our family, but from my perspective, she never earned that place. She was simply someone who entered our lives when we were almost grown.
I’m happy to be respectful for my dad’s sake, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to roles or titles that aren’t hers. So, AITA for refusing to treat her like a stepmother, refusing to let her be “grandma” to my future children, and not inviting her to my wedding.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I have a "step grandmother" whos has been my grandmother my whole life. Why shut your kids away from extra love and support?
NTA; The best step-parents are the least intrusive ones who allow the relationship to develop naturally- or not at all. She wants the shine time, but hasn't put in the work or read the signals.
The fact that she is insisting on what non-extant children call her is revealing.I pity her clients who are turning to her for life advice without knowing that her biological family is dysfunctional and her married-in family want no part of her.
Unless she was an affair partner, I’m not certain why her presence should make your mother uncomfortable. Why is it not ok for each of your parents to bring a plus 1? Regarding future children, it’s perfectly fine to draw boundaries regarding who is Grandma or Grandad. Is there some background that you haven’t clarified?
YTA. Your own dad doesn’t get a plus 1 for your wedding? That’s cold.
Yeah, you kind of are the asshole for wanting to keep additional people from loving and supporting your future children- while simultaneously intentionally cutting out and hurting someone who has attempted to love and support you- because your brain never developed beyond the petulant child who holds resentment because their parents separated. So yeah, YTA- and a big one.
YTA. Stop being nuts and include this woman who is your family.
INFO: can I ask what Jennifer has done to not even earn a hypothetical invite to your wedding as a guest? It doesn’t even sound like you’re planning a wedding right now, these are just all “in the event this happens” scenarios.
And why are you discussing it with your mom and making sure she’s cool with it, but not your dad? Does your mom have a SO she’d possibly want to invite to your hypothetical wedding? Would that person get a pass? There’s things you’ve left out here, like context.
Info: when you get married do you expect your dad to welcome your partner into the family or do you expect them to “earn” their way in?
Honestly, YTA. You don't seem to be engaged. You don't seem to be pregnant (or have a pregnant partner). Why are you talking about this? Why are you so presumptuous? You may never have those life moments.
How old are you now that your mom still needs to be coddled? Why would you even have that conversation? Loads of divorced couples can sit amicably at their children's wedding. What if your mom remarries? Is her husband excluded?
The biggest difference between "in theory" and "in practice", is that in theory, there is no difference, but in practice, there is. Cross that bridge when you get there. Life will work these things out.