'AITA for not defending my friend when my fiancé was mean to her?' 'She was trying make my fiancé insecure.'
"AITA for not defending my friend when my fiancé was mean to her?"
I 26m have been engaged to my fiancé Zaira 26f for six months now. We were friends in high school and only started dating when we were around 22. We were close in high school (we were in the same friend group) but drifted apart and reconnected in uni so it’s safe to say I do know her really well.
She’s a kind person most of the time. However she can have a bit of a ‘mean’ streak. I’ve witnessed it at times and she can make people cry. So my friend group mostly consists of gamers. I don’t hangout with them in person that much because I’m not very social and prefer spending time with my fiancé.
Even during calls I’m mostly muted or don’t talk but I do enjoy their company, I guess I’m just shy. My friends know I have a fiancé and they invited her out with us last night. There are girls in our friend group like two of them and this other girl in our group who can be a bit of a pick me girl. I’ll call her emma. She gets along well with the rest of us but sometimes she can be a bit annoying.
So last night we all went out to dinner and the other two girls and my girl were getting along really well. They really hit it off until Emma joined us later in the evening. She started of making passive aggressive backhanded comments to Zaira who intially just rolled her eyes and laughed but I told Emma to stop because I didn’t want the night to end with someone crying.
She took this as a joke, but stopped messing with Zaira for a while and then she started up again. I think she was trying make my fiancé insecure or jealous or something but Emma kept saying how close we are because we game. Zaira knows I’m not close with her because every time I play with them she is either in my lap or right next to me watching me play.
Emma told Zaira not to worry about her because she wasn’t going to take me away from her. Zaira smiled at her and I knew the night was over. She looked Emma up and down and said "you, take him from me? Good luck." Emma tried defending herself and brushing it off as a joke but Zaira just kind of let loose I guess.
She called Emma a pathetic excuse of a woman and asked if she needs male validation that desperately or if she’s actually deluded enough to think she (Emma) is more important than her (Zaira) in my life among other things. I’m not going to lie, I do kind of think it’s hot when she gets like this, so I just sat by and watched and Emma started crying and we left after she said thank you to the rest of my friends.
The girls in my group have been messaging me and saying I should’ve stopped Zaira and maybe not have let her be so rude, and Emma has gone radio silent. My other friends think Zaira is justified and I do too but did she take it too far and should I have stopped her? AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
SageAndRage said:
NTA. And neither is your gf. Women do not need to be nice to people who are downright rude and disrespectful to them. Being accurate and calling out someone else's behavior is not an overreaction or mean. I have a 'cutting wit' and am known for popping off in a similar fashion. It's one of my favorite things about myself.
Magic_Builder_21 said:
NTA. She did seem to over-react a little, and was very unsubtle, which makes me kind of feel this may be fake? I've never seen anyone talk like that in real life. That being said, if this is real, no. Emma started it and anyway its not your job to police Zaira's language or control her way of defending herself.
Emma shouldn't dish out if she can't take it, and sounds like a repulsive person in general. Zaira was right to defend herself, and you are correct for not getting involved. You 2 sound like you have a good relationship, but less can be said about your friends. Good luck!
BlackFenrir said:
NTA. You had requested Emma stop the remarks and behavior several times, right? You even warned her the night would end with someone crying if she kept going. She kept going anyway.
I think your GF might have been a bit harsh going fully on the offensive, so you could have tried reining her in a little bit, but otherwise I don't think you in particular are an ahole here. Does Emma have (suspected) feelings for you in particular or would she have acted the same way towards the partner of one of the other guys in the group?
Briiiiiiyonce said:
NTA. Emma had it coming. What does she expect us going to happen? She had been making backhanded comments all night and then felt the need to tell Zaira that in her mind if she wanted to steal you away she could.
Poptoppler said:
Nta. What emma did was wrong. She passively aggressively attacked someone, and is now weaponizing her emotions when your fiance joined her on that ground. She set the stage, and now she's calling on others to defend her from someone else playing on it - with invitation.
Think thru what happened, and abstract it. Be ready to explain it to emma. But, also be prepared to lose a friend. Some people cant take what they dish.
Complete_Special_721 said:
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I hope Emma learned a valuable lesson. Tell the other girls that Emma got as good as she was giving and that Emma was the one who cast the first stone. Let them know that you were proud of Zaira for standing up to Emma's bullying and that you are disappointed in them for not stopping Emma's behavior when it started going south.
Fried_Wontton said:
NTA. They were fine letting Emma have a go ay your fiancé. Difference is your gf had a shiny spine and Emma can dish it but she can't take it. Your friends can either suck it up or go be friends with just Emma.
Decent-Historian-207 said:
NTA. Emma shouldn’t dish it if she can’t take it. She did that to herself.
btfoom15 said:
ESH. All of you sound so immature and childish. WTF can't you just get together w/o all the drama? Emma was an AH. Zaira was an AH. You were an AH. Grow TF up. You aren't in middle school anymore.