'AITA for not helping my husband with his children more?'
"AITA for not helping my husband with his children more?"
When my husband (35m) and I (30F) met he insisted that he was not looking for a mother for his children. He said his kids have two parents, and he’d only want someone who can be a positive role model to his kids, who would treat them well. I never wanted children of my own, but I like children, so I agreed.
We dated, got married, and I let them move into the home I own outright. We have been married for the last two years. My husbands ex wife has had two additional children since we got together, and she hasn’t really been a great mother to their shared children. My husband and his ex wife have three children together.
I work a lot, and in my spare time I like to go to the gym or hang out with my friends. My husband has been complaining lately that I don’t watch his kids for him often enough so he can have some free time too. His ex wife has given him almost full custody because she’s too busy with her new babies.
He also wants me to start cooking for the kids and not just myself, and doing their laundry, driving them to school, etc. This is all kind of coming out of left field for me. I’m not allowed to discipline the kids at all, and he made it clear when we got together that I was not to be a mother figure in anyway.
I already let them live in my house for free, saving my husband roughly 24k a year that he was paying in rent before. So not only does he want me to provide financially but also do the bad parts of parenting, with no reward? We have a strong prenup and I’m honestly considering using that.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
What was your plan? Did you expect to ignore the 3 kids who basically live in your home? Do you honestly not cook for anyone but yourself? … that’s so … weird.
You willingly walked in to this situation. Sit down with your husband & figure it out. Communicate. Make a plan. Create some goals. You’re an adult. You chose to marry a man with 3 kids. Own your own participation & try working together with your husband to solve your relationship & family problems. YTA
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
I workout so I meal prep once a week, and just reheat those meals through the week. The kids are picky and will only eat freshly made meals that are to their liking. I don’t ignore them, I just don’t do any of the regular parenting responsibilities. I’m still friendly with them, and we’ll watch movies together or go to the park here and there.
Well, if he's saving money by living with you, he could hire a babysitter to help him.
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
He probably could if he was better with his finances. He doesn’t make a lot of money, and he’s kind of bad with the money that he does have. It’s not his best quality.
What does he say when you remind him of your prior agreements involving the kids?
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
He said things have changed, and he thought I would become more maternal over time. He didn’t think that our agreement would last for forever.
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And that just dropped your panties? You knew he was bad with money and choices and you still married him?
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
Most people aren’t exactly great with money. We have separate finances and a good prenup. His bad choices with money don’t affect me.
Get a full-time nanny for the kids. Or get them to move elsewhere. Grandparents? Aunts, uncles? Your choices and your husband's commitment to you should be respected. NTA
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
He can’t afford a nanny. Why would I pay for one? They have two living parents with working hands.
So when the ex gave up most of her custody isn’t she now paying more in child support? And if so can’t he hire a nanny? And no he did not think you would become more motherly, he didn’t count on the ex flaking. Without all of the kid stuff what is your marriage like?
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
She’s a SAHM. She has no income. Her and her boyfriend aren’t married. He gets almost no child support. He makes 30k a year, he definitely can’t afford a nanny.
They do if he can't afford a babysitter and expects you to fill that role.
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
It’s pretty easy for me to just tell him no, I don’t have to babysit. But you’re right, he’s kinda not living up to my expectations lately.
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They clearly do. You're paying his expenses.
Sea-Yam8314 OP responded:
I don’t pay their expenses. I own the house outright. It costs me nothing to let them live in it.
Cursd818 said:
NTA. Remind him that he told you he wasn't looking for another mother for his children, and you have no interest in being their maid. He can use some of the 24k he is saving to pay for childcare if he wants some free time, or he can leave.
Those are his only options here. If he keeps making digs and trying to force you to sacrifice your time off so he can have some for free, then remove the first option and just tell him to leave.
SeaworthinessDue8650 said:
Use the pre-nup. His ex has her do over kids and now he wants you to pick up her slack. Let him figure everything out on his own.
tonyrains80 said:
NTA. You need to remind him that they are HIS kids not yours. This is a common theme with men who have children and get remarried. Many of them are LOOKING for a stand-in mom because they don't want to put in the hours it takes to raise their own kids.
Don't fall for this. Tell him that he said he's not looking for a mother for his children. He can go hire a nanny, cook, and a maid with the money he's saving by living in your house to do the work he's asking you to do for HIS kids.
Broutythecat said:
Narrator: he was, in fact, looking for a free nanny for his children.
2_old_for_this_spit said:
NTA. He doesn't want a wife. He wants a bang maid/nanny. Start by going over his finances. He needs to arrange childcare, and you should be getting something toward rent. Remind him that you're not the babysitter and responsibility for the kids is up to their parents, not you.
You are housing a grown man rent-free. He's now demanding that you take full responsibility from the day-to-day needs of his children. You're working long hours to support yourself and provide for your future. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
yourshaddow3 said:
NTA. I bet your husband, and anyone voting YTA, is also the kind of man who demands paternity tests at birth because a man would be traumatized by raising another man's child. But it's always expected of women.
FoggyDaze415 said:
NTA. He wants you to do the parenting work but not actually discipline? Use the prenup and get out. Also usually when a man who says I'm not looking for a mother for my kids what they are saying is "I want a nanny I can sleep with."