'AITA for not helping my mom and leaving her homeless after she always favored my brother?'

"AITA for not stepping up and offering help to my mom after she laid her all her "eggs" in the wrong basket?"

Title seems like I'm bitter, and a part of me is because of the fact that I told her so. I'm now 34F and middle child to a single asian mother. I have an older brother who is a decade older, and for his whole life, my mom has babied him. I was expected to contribute to the household when I graduated college at 21F, but he didn't have to at 31 because he was still in school at community college.

She gave him gas money, let him take her car, sleep in, not cook, have me do his laundry, etc. I moved out over ten years ago, and have always kept her at a distant. Due to issues, I don't want my brother in my life or my family's life. I have made that clear with my mother that I will let her have a relationship with my kid, but she is not allowed near him vice versa.

She would get upset at ME for hanging up when she showed my kid to my brother on my facetime, when I find out that she took my kid to her house to play with my brother and post pictures all over FB. I told her no more, and that I asked nicely a few times and you ruined it by not respecting me. Constant years of this and disregard to me and my boundaries.

Onto the issue, my mom was living with him for a few years now. She still kept cooking for him and everything, and he was working somewhat and paying his portion of the rent. Well now he moved out and she is left room surfing with friends and family.

She came to my house and cried to me that I don't call her to update her on my life or my family, that she now doesn't live with him and is room surfing. I just replied and asked her point blank, what happened to my brother? She got upset and cried and left.

She didn't plan retirement at all. In fact, when I was a teen, I was told that I was to be her retirement and she would be moving in with me. Which I said no, and worked my butt off so I can leave ASAP. See I would've taken care of my mom had she not disrespected me all these years to the point I am LC with her.

I keep in contact here and there for my kid. I feel bad because she is my mom, but at the same time it's not like all this wasn't foreseen. I was stressing for years saying this would happen, and here we are. I refuse to help her financially because her son can, and will not allow her to move in because my mental health comes first.

Soon I will get family members who have been helping her with room and board, reach out to me. I dont feel like an AH for not wanting to help her because this is the result of all those years of mistreatment, but I do feel like an AH because...she's my mom? I need unbiased opinions. Thank you.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

duckysmomma said:

NTA it sounds like you’ve set healthy boundaries and just need some reassurance since she’s your mom, is this ok. And it absolutely is. She’s an adult and needs to figure out her own life. Keep on with what you’re doing, you’re not the AH for maintaining your own life and mental health!

honingbloem1307 said:

NTA she knew what she was doing all those years. She knew she was treating you wrong. She still persisted. It is ok to feel the way you feel. It was not ok for her to treat you like a doormat.

Sidneyreb said:

NTA. There are people who do not pay attention to the shitstorms they create. Those people really don't like it when the day arrives that forces them to acknowledge it.

Your mom decided to coddle your brother well into adulthood. She was clear that you were her retirement plan, not the son she showered with preferential treatment. I think the damage is done. She can sit in her shit and spin; that's my unbiased opinion.

And _Sierrafy said:

NTA - It boggles my mind how parents play favorites in such an obvious way and always seem to expect the non-favorite to take care of them in old age. She showed you for years what you were worth compared to her golden child. You are NOT TA for setting boundaries and refusing to bow down to her now that she turning to you.

Beyond the clear favoritism, she has shown repeatedly that she doesn't respect your wishes for your own child. If she lived with you that would only worsen. Hold firm on your boundaries.

Edit from OP:

Thank you for your replies. I've read all of them and thank you for validating that I am not an AH. I do see some people asking about my younger sibling, she left the family a decade ago due to my mother's treatment of her. I was out of the house and on my own, while she was not.

She chooses not to communicate with any of us and I'm fine with that as I know she has resentment for me due to how my mom always compared her to me (which is not fair). Her mental health is important, and what she needs to do for that is fine. She communicates with other family though, and wants nothing to do with my mom.

We are Chinese and yes, by Chinese tradition, it's the male's job to take care of the mother anyway while the girl goes off with her husband's family. My family knows who he is as he has lied to them about money, worked for them at their businesses but rolls up late and leaves work early, uses their stuff and breaks it without a care, etc.

My mom tries to tell him, but he just tells her that's he a grown man and can do what he wants. All of this isn't a surprise to the family, but it for some reason is to my mom. Oh, and yes she works (still does). She does nails and did not pay into a retirement account.

This is why I'm conflicted and might just offer some money to help (we'll see thinking hard no right now). Think of it as my payment to keep her out of my house, but it could open the door for more stuff because she'll push and this is seen to me as giving in somewhat.