'AITA for not inviting my siblings to my wedding?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not inviting my siblings to my wedding?"
My sister (34F) and her husband (36M) just got married 3 months ago. I (30F) was appointed MOH. I was so excited to help her plan her wedding and I took on most of the work since i was unemployed at the time and she's a doctor. I wont get into details but take note she didn't have a wedding planner. It was all me.
The time leading up to the wedding, I was miserable because of how the bride treated me. I felt like her own personal slave that she felt she could kick around because "she's the bride".
Just because youre a bride doesnt mean you get a free pass to be a witch. Many times I wanted to just step out of the wedding party but i kept telling myself to just bite my tongue and keep the peace because she's probably just stressed.
After doing SO MUCH for her, she refused to invite my fiance even if we've been together for 12 years but invited my siblings' partners who have been around for only 2-3yrs. My sister and her guy dated for a year before they got engaged so we don't really know him too well.
She said she didnt want my fiance around because people would be asking about my own wedding since they've all been wanting us to get married for a while. I refused to do any more work for her wedding until she apologised to me and invited my fiance, which she did.
Not exactly sincerely but whatever. I was hurt she wasn't even grateful for anything that I had done for her and her dream wedding because it was EXPECTED OF ME to help.
Cut to the day of the wedding and everything was fine. The ceremony was beautiful and the couple was happy. I was happy for my sister. By the time we got to the reception venue, I noticed that my fiance and I were on a separate table from my family.
They were at the VIP table and I was cast aside to sit at the furthest table right beside the kitchen. I figured there was a mistake and i calmly asked the bride about it since she handled the seating plan. She looked me dead in the eye and said there's no mistake, that's where we belong. At the kids table and far away. (We were seated with 7-14yr olds).
The groom overheard us and agreed with me but kept quiet when my sister gave him this 'don't you dare disagree with me' look. (At the end of the night, the groom apologised to my parents for what happened to me and said he had no clue his bride did that. But he didnt say a word to me as his bride told him not to)
Because of this, I decided to not make an issue and just try to enjoy the remainder of the night with my partner but I wouldn't make a MOH speech. My parents noticed where I was and got upset at the situation as well.
My siblings knew very well I wasn't at their table but didn't bother looking for me or wondering why I wasn't seated there. When they heard I wasn't making a speech, my 2 brothers walked to my table to tell me off saying I had to understand my sister and the stress of being a bride.
They told me to be nice to her because it's her special day and you're only a bride once (yeah right I bet they'll divorce), that I'm a disgrace and a disgusting disappointment for not doing a speech for my sister, that I would make my sister sad and I was being selfish making the night about me (when I was literally quiet in our corner).
Needless to say, I wasn't having the best time. So we got up and left. We ended up in McDonald's for dinner and I posted a story of us getting burgers saying "post wedding meal". I made sure I posted it after the reception ended to not make it look like I ditched but my siblings saw this as an attack to my sister somehow.
Up to this day, the bride says she did nothing wrong and her reasoning for putting me there was (1) I didn't plan her wedding exactly like she envisioned during the process so I deserved to sit there (when i was doing everything she told me she wanted), (2) she didn't like that I looked pretty in my gown and (3) I needed to be punished for insisting on bringing my fiance...
I didn't plan for my own wedding yet as I wanted to be 100% focused on hers (plus she banned me from getting married before her since she's older...again because i didnt want the drama, i agreed.)
But now I just don't want anyone there except my parents and a few close friends. My parents agree with me but my siblings are upset calling me childish but to be completely honest, I just don't feel like paying for terrible people.
Mine is a destination wedding and my fiance and i are paying for everything. These are our savings and I don't feel like splurging on these people. They along with my grandparents and cousins are all saying i'm wrong. But hey if I was excluded from being a sibling at my sister's wedding and no one cared, then why would you be upset if I excluded you in return?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's inital post:
Junglerumble19
NTA. You can't choose your family but you can choose who you spend time with. The fact that an educated doctor can state that you 'need to be punished' and not realise how middle school she's being really shows her garbage person character. She also outsourced the entire wedding planning to you - for free - and then thought it was OK to use you as a punching bag.
Good for you for standing up to her about your fiance, what an absolutely ridiculous reason to exclude him. Again how anyone with any basic self awareness can say these things is just beyond. I personally would be going NC with all but your parents and then build your own family from friends who actually appreciate you and treat you with respect.
someperson717
NTA. Your sister was a megabitch to you, and your siblings supported her acting horribly to you. You have the right to invite only people who you want to be at your wedding and that are supportive of you and your partner. Your siblings clearly don't meet this criteria.
misstiff1971
Your sister is nasty and your siblings are no better. Cutting ties with all of them is well worth it. Make sure your parents see how you actually treat people. Don't waste your time or money on horrid people. I would have left as soon as I saw where I was seated and made sure the parents and groom knew why.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi again. So I'll answer a few questions and leave a quick update. I (30F) come from a family of 5 kids. I failed to mention this because I didnt think it was all that relevant but I actually have 2 sisters (34 and 32) and 2 brothers (26 and 22).
A little more on my sisters... they're the best of friends. They're the picture perfect model of sisterly love. While I'm the middle child with 2 younger brothers. So why did I agreee to be MOH? Well because I thought it would bring us closer.
In my mind, I believed that this was her trying to be more of a sister to me. You always hear stories of that sisterly bond around weddings and I tried to nurture that because that's what they had. And that sibling bond is what my brothers had with each other as well. Any chance I'd get to connect with my sisters, I'd jump at the opportunity.
Its more me just feeling left out than being a doormat. I was a very sickly child and that is why I was mostly with just my parents growing up while my siblings would be going out, meeting friends, etc. Which is what my siblings envied apparently. They aren't close to my parents.
Bride had both of us as MOH because she "couldnt choose just 1". I later found out that i was always the second option and i was just appointed MOH so I'd do all the work while other MOH got all the praise. Which in hindsight, I should've seen coming.
While my brothers were busy harassing me about giving my MOH speech, sister 2 was giving her own MOH speech about how she absolutely loves the bride and will do anything for her, all that cr*p.
She then conveniently calls all the siblings to the stage to toast the bride and groom when I was crying and rushing out/walking away from my brothers. So to the other relatives in attendance, I was "making a scene" and "making it about me".
No, it's not the first time she hurt me, (fat shamed me as a child calling me a potato, saying things like I was a burden to the family because of my epilepsy, throwing all my make up in the sink and wetting it because i moved her bath towel in the bathroom.
She would call me the stupid low IQ sister even if I'm a licensed Architect with a masters degree when her guy friends wanted to ask for my number, taking my dream church from me which is why fiance said we could do a destination wedding at my dream country instead) it's just the worst she's done to spite me in front of my entire family.
And no, we still haven't spoken since then and she still maintains that I was the one who "ruined everything" by getting upset about the seating.
Now for the update: We will elope.
Just us 2 and a handful of close friends that were there for us since the beginning of our relationship.
We'll have a small church wedding and a little celebration on the beach with the people we love -our chosen family, followed by island hopping with our entire party around the Philippines!
All paid by us. Because I WILL spend on memories and experiences for people that love and appreciate us. The budget we set aside for a wedding in Italy will be put to an intimate 5 day wedding celebration on an island in the Philippines.
We will have our "reception" with the family when we get back home.
The plan is to invite both our big families to a luncheon the weekend after. Collectively, this would mean about 80 guests max. Both our parents wanted to help pay for the engagement party and rehearsal dinner.
They agreed to pay for this luncheon/reception instead meaning they could invite whomever they please. They handle the guest list so if my siblings are invited, I couldnt care less because I'll be too busy with my husband of 1-2 weeks by then.
Here we can still have the father daughter dance and a few other things like cake slicing, etc. We'll have piñatas, a brick oven pizza cart, coffee and pretzels, and an amazing italian buffet with a pasta bar, lots of fresh fruit and CHEESE (because who doesn't like cheese??)
As for seating plan, ever watched mama mia 1? Yeahp. Think that. A long winding table where my siblings can be as far away from me as possible, and as close to the service area as possible without it being obvious because theyll all be together at their own 'siblings table'.
We'll be in the center with my fiance, his 2 brothers and our parents will be next to us, while my wonderful sibs are by the end of the table, by the restrooms, where they belong. I don't care at all if they're invited to this lunch because I really have nothing left for them.
Not even anger. I'm just so done with them that I'd feel more for a stranger on the street than I would for these people. It's indifference. They've hurt me so many times that I'm numb to their existence.
No bridezilla allowed.
My sister expects to be my MOH in return. Definitely not going to happen since my siblings won't be present in the ceremony. I do not need her around, I do not want her around.
Yes, she will be invited out of courtesy to the reception most likely but i will make sure she's set aside like i was. How so? We recently found out she's pregnant so I'm planning my wedding around her due date. (OH WELL)
Luckily, she's due around June which really was the month we wanted. So if she does decide to attend with a newborn and her huz, well then, she's going to be at the kiddie table and told to step out when baby starts to cry.
In the end, our wedding day is for us. And eloping is the only way I feel like we could just sit and enjoy our special day together away from all my siblings and family issues. Then we get back, have a get together lunch with soome good food and good fun. Which is really all it is to me - a lunch. Luckily, fiancé's fam isn't as insane as mine is.
So there you have it! Thank you all for your messages and comments and insights. I really was going a bit loco back then thinking I was overreacting but thank you so much for the clarity. Cheers to the end of this emotionally draining year! xx
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
Leotardleotard
Invite sister. Seat her next to the toilet. Her husband doesn’t even deserve a seat. Let him lay on the floor like the waste of space doormat he is.
GenX-IA
Good for you, your sisters are AH, and according to your other post, I'm guessing it all stems from the fact that you are prettier than they are and they are jealous. Your brothers don't understand and or are afraid of your oldest sister so they are on her side to avoid the hell she will unleash on them.
LoveAnimals735
That sounds perfect!! I love it. Small weddings are so much fun instead of the headache of a big wedding. No drama no stress easy and fun and loving like it should be!! Congratulations and I want an update on how your wedding trip went!! Definitely do an update!!
Nine months later, the OP returned with this "final" update.
I know a number of you have been waiting and I swear this is the soonest I could post im sorry! I promise I'll explain!
THE WEDDING I absolutely enjoyed wedding planning with my husband (YEY!) If you ever decide to get married, do a small wedding. You’ll live longer, I swear.
We told our friends (and families) that we were pushing back the wedding and wanted to do a destination bachelor/bachelorette trip first. They had NO IDEA we were actually getting married on this trip.
We got to Boracay 3 days before everyone for some us time. When friends arrived, we did all the fun island activities. The night before our wedding, we asked everyone to be up at 7 for breakfast and to dress up in tropical beach outfits for cute pics (we told them to pack this beforehand).
Once everyone was there, husband told them we were to be married at 4pm and this was actually an elopement. The excitement from all our friends will forever be a core memory. It’s the best feeling to actually have people genuinely happy for you.
Us girls did each others hair and make up, cried and hugged a lot, while the boys had a good time drinking and playing futbol. We had our phones and an old digital camera that we’d pass around and that was it for our event photos.
Surprises were our thing since we began dating, and it was just so sweet that we both thought to do the same for our wedding. I love flowers but I didn’t want to bother finding a supplier there.
We did have someone help us with all the requirements but that was it. I’d just get flowers for the luncheon instead. Well my husband decided to speak to the hotel to surprise me.
He knew my favorite flowers and made the prettiest bouquet ever. He also had the church filled and I ruined my make up ugly crying when I walked in. For my husband, he is extremely close with his brothers so I made sure to fly them out to surprise him too.
He needed his best men there and I was happy to have them. We said our I do’s, and headed to the hotel for dinner by the beach for a “budol fight”. (Google that NOW. It’s so good.) Nothing fancy, but we were happy.
For the luncheon before the elopement, I sent my seating plan to our family GC because I didn’t want them to make a scene on the day. Everyone thought these were the seating plans for our reception. WELL heres where my pettiness shows.
My head table consisted of us, our parents, and my husband’s brothers. All my siblings were at both ends of the LONG table. My favorite slap in the face tho was a table for 1 wayyy in the back tagged breast-feeding area with sister’s name on the chair. She was LIVID. I simply said I was looking out for her. I expected she’d want some privacy. No hard feelings, just thinking ahead.
My siblings refused to come because they saw my elopement as an act of disrespect especially since my brothers in law were there. They called our relatives to tell them to not come.
Some were upset I could do that to family and they “did not agree with our union”. I'm happy to report that out of 127 guests, only 58 were coming. So I cut my budget by over half! Sounds like a win to me!
The venue was my husband’s small family farm which was so beautiful that I didn’t need to spend much on décor at all. Music was just a spotify playlist we made, photos (prenup, beach and lunch) were all by my friends, cake was baked by me and mom 2 nights before, flowers I bought myself from the morning market and arranged with my girls, my dress was just one I had in my closet.
For food, we asked people to bring over pot luck meals instead of gifts if they wanted to (we still had our pizza oven, pretzel cart and coffee bar that we paid for instead of a caterer). E-invites were designed by us and sent via email.
Since my siblings all didn’t want to attend, only bridezilla’s hubby got an invite (with no option for a plus 1). Her c-section was scheduled a week before my wedding. Did she notice I planned for her to miss the luncheon? Yes. Yes, she did. It was magical.
Us being so unaffected upset them even more. But I’ve come to realize that the louder you try to force people to side with your opinions and your narrative, then the more toxic, unhinged, narcissistic you are. No, I didn’t need to go NC with them because they all decided to be NC with me. I didn’t even need to try! Blessings left and right!
For those blaming my parents, none of my siblings were neglected. If anything, they gave my siblings SO MUCH MORE time and freedom to compensate for all the attention I needed.
Remember these “kids” are grown adults. My parents are seniors; theyre tired. They told my siblings off for being gigantic gaping A-holes but what else can they do really? Put them in time out?
Since both our parents wanted to pitch in, they helped us with a downpayment on a house instead. In return, we surprised them with a 1 week vacation each to Amanpulo.
We saved so much from our wedding and luncheon that we just wanted to show how much we appreciate their support and love. Lastly, any extra food and flowers were either taken home by guests or donated. That just made everything more special.
Weddings are about love. Our favorite people were around to celebrate us and we made sure to also celebrate the love we have for them, our family, best friends, dogs (who were the stars of the show really).
I fully embrace this life of peace, contentment and indifference for my siblings (no idea what they're up to, sorry) They kicked me out of the gc and I only know my sister gave birth because my brother in law messaged she did. Last thing I heard is they were still trying to bad mouth my husband but we really couldnt care less. We've moved on. Sucks for them they havent.
Thank you all for following along. It was empowering to know I wasn’t alone and enlightening to hear that this type of sibling abuse isn’t actually normal. This is your Kiddie Table MOH finally signing off!
PPS- A BIG reason I didn’t get to update you is really bad morning sickness x2 👶👶
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response after the OP's final post:
peter095837
Man, weddings really do bring out the worst from people.
YellowKingSte
Why people think it's okay to justify a bride's bad behavior? OP's sister was such a c**t to OP and her husband, but people say "she's just stressed", "it's her day" etc.
Zen_Wanderer
Wonder why weddings are on the decline. No one wants to experience bridezillas, groomonsters and burning social circles over terrible cakes, horrible music and egotrips.
tylernazario
Am I the only one who thinks the OP is as annoying as the rest of her family?
teashirtsau
OP's siblings got PLAYED. They were invited to the 'reception' in such a way that they uninvited themselves and made it a better event for OP. Imagine saving so much money you can send your parents on vacation.