'AITA for not making my BF apologize to my mom and sister for 'enabling' me?' UPDATED

"AITA for not making my BF apologize to my mom and sister?"

So I was talking on zoom to my mom & sister Jen (fake name). At one point, my bf came in & handed me some tea as I had killer menstrual cramps and tea helps. When Jen saw this, she said my bf's actions were "offensive to women" and treating me like a fragile princess was enabling me. She said her husband doesn't help her whether she's well or sick and that's how a partnership between equals works.

This made me mad. My bf is a sweetheart and he understands that this time can be painful for me, so he helps out in whatever way he can. I told Jen that when I'm well, I take care of him as well - pack his lunch (his office has reopened, but my college classes are still online), make him breakfast etc.

She got even more angry and congratulated me for becoming a 1950s housewife. This was crazy! I love taking care of my bf, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on my career. It's just that I'm a morning person, so I handle morning chores, he does nighttime chores.

Jen went on about how offended she was until I left the call. Later, mom, unbeknownst to me, texted bf and asked him to stop helping me out whenever I was zoom because it upsets Jen. He didn't take her seriously, at which point she said he - an outsider - was disrupting internal family matters.

(This is the man who has made it abundantly clear that the minute our financials are in order, he's asking me to marry him) He lost it and said he'll take care of whoever he pleases in his own house.

So, this is where it might have gone into a-hole territory. As my mom persisted, bf said he had to look out for me since no one in my family would. This is not very far from the truth. Mom thinks older children always get the short end of the stick and has over-compensated by going the other way.

E.g. I wasn't allowed to cry as a kid because "younger children get it easier, so my problems were nothing in comparison to Jen's", I had to share my birthdays & milestone events with her so that she didn't feel bad. This used to hurt, but I've made my peace with it.

Now my extended family is blowing up my phone, saying we were rude and hurt mom's feelings. I got a text from my mom saying she did her best to be a good parent, but she was only human.

This made me feel terrible tbh. But then she added that she expected bf to apologize to her and Jen on zoom in front of the entire extended family. I lost it! I'm not going to make him apologize for taking care of me just because they feel offended by it. So AITA for not making my BF apologize to my mom & sis?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Fantastic-Focus-7056 said:

What the hell did I just read?! You are NTA and your bf should most definitely NOT apologize to your family... If anyone in this situation should apologize, it's your sister for her crazy rant and your mom for going behind your back to tell your bf he shouldn't do nice things for you...

You and your partner are in a loving relationship in which you take care of each other. If they find that weird, they need to take a long hard look at their own relationship. "She said her husband doesn't help her whether she's well or sick and that's how a partnership between equals works." Because this is absolute bullsh!t.

[deleted] said:

My spidey senses are telling me the sister is super salty that her husband treats her ass like shit. NTA

Fergus74 said:

Seems to me that your sister is jealous AF, probably after years of being at the center of attention she can't stand that your boyfriend is more supportive and nice than her husband. NTA

[deleted] said:

She's just jealous her husband doesn't care about her at all. How can someone be offended by something that doesn't affect them? Let people be happy. NTA.

safetythird3 said:

NTA. You would be TA if you tried to make this your boyfriend’s problem. This is a family problem; the dynamic around Jen as the golden child has been well established. They emotionally abused you as a child and they are continuing to do so now. Your mom’s guilt tripping and employing extended family to pressure you further is not healthy or normal behavior.

For her part, it sounds like Jen is miserable in a loveless relationship and wanted to take that out on you and your bf. Not your circus nor your monkeys. Pay it no attention. This is firmly a “them” problem, not a “bf” or a “you” problem in any way.

And Plant_Girl1992 said:

NTA. Someone tell Jenny that her marriage sucks.

She later shared this update on the situation:

Wow! I did not expect this much support :) After reading your comments and a long talk with the bf, I decided I needed to cut ties with mom & and Jen. In fact, he pointed out that if we had kids, the mistreatment could extend to them as well and that settled it for me. I blocked them both and sure enough, relatives were calling/harassing me left, right & center.

I blocked all of them too except an aunt and two cousins who actually took time to listen to me and apologized. Honestly I've never felt this scared but happy in my life. I am literally shaking as I type this. Thank you guys so much! Had I not gotten such overwhelmingly amazing support on here, I might not have taken this step!