'AITA for not moving my wedding date to accommodate my sister's pregnancy?' UPDATED
"AITA for not moving my wedding date to accommodate my sister's pregnancy?"
I (25F) have a sister, Ella (28F). Ella and I have always been close growing up, despite her being 3 years older. We've always been best friends, I was her MOH and she's mine.
Ella is currently 5 months pregnant. She had a rough first trimester, throwing up 3-4 times a day, always tired. Some days, she couldn't get out of bed, literally. She had also found out early when she was a month into it because her symptoms were so bad.
Her and I live close to each other, and since her husband travels a lot for work, I have stayed with her a lot since I work remotely.
My fiancé and I had originally set the date for July. However, seeing how sick she was, I, along with my entire family, were getting worried, and so after my fiancé and I discussed it, we decided to reschedule the wedding until after she had passed her first trimester (per her doctor, she was supposed to get better.)
I need to add that no one asked this of us, but I felt it was needed. And thank god, she did get better. She's eating normally, going out and back to herself.
Seeing this, my fiancé and I talked about our wedding again. I had always wanted a summer wedding on the beach, but I didn't want to wait a full year, and seeing winter wedding pictures was slowly growing on me. And so, we decided on a December wedding.
The invitations were finalized last week with the date and were all sent a couple of days ago (yes, it's early but my man and I all have big families/big group of friends and colleagues, we need the RSVPS early). Yesterday, I got an angry phone call from my sister asking how can I do something like this to her.
I was honestly confused and told her as much, and she went on to rant about how inconsiderate I was to not wait until my nephew is born, that her being MOH and 8 months pregnant is going to be hard and that she has already been through hell.
I calmly explained to her that while yes, she is MOH, I don't expect her to go above and beyond. My best friend and her had already planned a girls night back when my wedding was in July, so we're just going with that again (everything is already bought and my best friend will set it up)
I told her that my man and I have also re-booked everything ourselves (flowers, venue and catering are going to be done by our friends who have their own shops and companies) and that I'll pay to have her dress resized to accommodate her bump. I'm even taking care of hair and makeup for all my wedding party, a sort of pamper session where we'll all get ready together and take pictures.
All she's required to do is show up. She's having none of it and is demanding we reschedule it again until next summer. I put my foot down and gave her a flat out no.
My parents called me and asked me to reconsider, sayint that I know she's emotional and hormonal, I told them that's not an excuse for her to act like a b&^%h. Any opinions/advice are much appreciated.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Being emotional is not an excuse to bully others. NTA
My soloist sang at my wedding 9 months pregnant and had the baby 4 days later.
Being MOH at 8mos pregnant is going to be HELLA easier than trying to be MOH with a 4 mo infant. NTA
NTA. However, this whole scenario is odd. You have big families, so I’m assuming a large wedding, and you moved a large wedding on very short notice due to your sister’s first trimester sickness? And then, after rescheduling due to the pregnancy, you move it to a date when she is going to be 8 months pregnant? Huh?
The first trimester and the tail-end of pregnancy are notoriously the times when most pregnant women feel the worst (granted, early 8 months is different than late, so who knows when she is actually due)! If the pregnancy is the concern, then the second trimester and early third are obviously the sweet spots. The logic just seems off. Were there other reasons for the initial rescheduling?
FeistyExternal2244 OP replied:
You're right, it is a large wedding. The only reason we were able to reschedule was because it's our friends' shops and venues, and they were able to do this for us (ofc they were compensated per the contracts and all of that.)
The initial rescheduling was because of her sickness since she was literally unable to move some days, and my mother even feared the baby wouldn't make it. I admit that when we fixed a new date, we didn't linger much on her pregnancy since she was in the picture about the time frame (we hadn't set a date yet but knew it would likely be in winter) and she hadn't raised any concerns.
I've never been pregnant before, so I know I'm not in her shoes, but she seems like a new person, no sickness lingering، she's out an about everyday and has even talked about planning a babymoon with BIL around Christmas so that would be after our wedding (8 December.)
Got it. If your sister is planning a baby moon after the wedding, then that sounds like she is more upset about being unable to party and not looking her best at the wedding than health concerns. And that is not your problem.
I would've turned it around and asked her 'how dare you get pregnant in the first place because you knew I had a wedding planned in July' /s. NTA, you should not put your life on hold for her pregnancy. Congrats on the upcoming marital bliss. Maybe she'll come around in a few weeks, or maybe she is not as close to you as you thought.
FeistyExternal2244 OP responded:
I should've done it, I'm petty enough to, but I honestly don't want to have a whole drama around my wedding more than there already is.
OP came back with this edit after reading the comments:
Edit: First of all, thank you for all the comments and advice, I'm definitely seeing her side more than I was before. I do need to clarify some things that I didn't add in the post. When we rescheduled the wedding, her and BIL had my fiancé and I over for dinner (we do weekly dinners every Friday) she thanked me for rescheduling and told me she felt guilty.
I made sure to tell her that I don't blame her, that having her there healthy and happy is what matters, in whatever capacity she can give me. I made sure she knew that she could step down from MOH at any point, even if it was a day before the wedding, and that I would understand.
That dinner, my man and I also floated the idea of a winter wedding around, and both her and her BIL said it would be fun since we haven't had that in our family yet.
We also chose the date around many of our families' schedules along with our friends' availabilities who were also being gracious enough to still do our wedding flowers/catering and renting us the venue despite us rescheduling it once already. We didn't decide anything lightly.
Also, I might update (if I ever figure out how) because my parents called and invited me to their house so my sister and I can talk it out. I have no idea why she's using a third party, even if it's our parents.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
Hey guys, it's me again!
I want to say thank you for all the advice and opinions. Each and every one helped a lot to see where I went wrong and her side of the story.
I realize and agree that I was so, so, so damn wrong to: 1) Move the date to winter and December of all months, not only when she would be heavily pregnant but also with Christmas around the corner. 2)Not discussing the specific date beforehand with her and asking for her opinion.
While I've never been pregnant, I did watch many of my friends and cousins go through it, not to mention my own sister, and should have been more considerate and empathetic.
My fiancé and I should have also kept in mind that doing it around Christmas time was selfish because even though we had decided not to do a wedding registry/accept gifts (on both wedding dates) we should have taken into consideration that dresses, suits, gas are still costly. That was our privilege showing, and we are assholes for it.
People were also questioning me about why my sister was informed about the date through a card. That's because she hasn't been involved in the planning all that much, the way she asked so she doesn't stress out, which was fair enough. And since she didn't have responsibilities, I didn't tell her which, again, I should have done.
As I mentioned in my original post, I was invited to my parents' house, my sister using them as a third party and I was asked to update by a few people and so here it is.
I ended up going yesterday with my fiancé as some of you mentioned in case it was a gang up situation.
They were not expecting my fiancé, that was clear, but they didn't ask him to leave either.
We sat down, and I felt like I needed to start off the conversation, and so I did, and I apologized first and foremost, then talked to them honestly about th3 things that I mentioned above.
I noticed while I was talking that my parents were engaging us, giving us their POVs. My sister, however, was sitting to the side, not all that interested in what I was saying.
I tried to address her, first with the apology, then when we were trying to come up with solutions, all I got was one word answers.
I'm not going to lie, I was getting frustrated, and I wasn't discreet about it after a few failed attempts. She seemed to pick up on it, and that set her off. Not just verbally. I mean throwing pillows. When those ran out, she threw her juice at me and finally, a pen, all while screaming about how unfair it is that my wedding is still overshadowing her pregnancy.
My fiancé, bless him, took the brunt of the juice and pillows. Obviously, I didn't retaliate, not only because she's pregnant and I was in shock but also because I've never been in a physical fight in my life. After that, she started screaming and wailing and stormed off to her old bedroom.
I looked at my parents bewildered, expecting them to say something, anything. When they didn't, I asked my fiancé to leave and stormed off as well.
My fiancé and I are still talking about what to do, we also called his parents and siblings for advice. May update once we figure something out.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
NTA. Do not move your date. If your sister comes great. If not that is okay too. Your sister sounds like she has "it's all about me" syndrome and it is not all about her. The world doesn't stop spinning because she is pregnant.
Did your parents give into her a lot as kids?
FeistyExternal2244 OP responded:
No, that's what's so frustrating! Growing up, whenever we had disagreements, my parents sat us down and made us talk it out. It was never a Golden/Forgotten child situation
Your sister is expecting her baby to take center stage. I would keep the wedding date and just remove her from wedding. If baby is born, make it a child free wedding.
FeistyExternal2244 OP responded:
I honestly don't mind 'sharing' the spotlight because it's literally a baby. God, this is going to sound conceited, but a baby wouldn't be on par with a bride in a wedding no matter how adorable they are.
Besides, my cousin recently had a baby girl, and she's going to be the ring bearer, driven around one of those remote-controlled mini cars.
Omg that's adorable. And true, you've got it right, sharing attention shouldn't be that big of a deal. A 6 week old will be at my wedding in 10 days and it'll be the first time most of our friends meet her (if they make it). I don't mind in the slightest, rather I'm looking forward to it.